the last trip to florida of the year

Well, we're here, yet again. I feel like I'm one of those snow birds, the real kind. you know, the ones that fly down to warm climates whenever it gets cold...Shaina brought up this really interesting point today about how when people travel annually, they usually go to places where they have family. We always come here...no family...pleasant weather. Shaina and I went for a run today, and then Zach came over and we went swimming. Apparently we're going out later, but I'm drained because I didn't sleep very well last night (a pity, considering I have this whole huge bed to stretch myself out in). We had wine and Caesar salad for lunch. Lots of Merlot, which tastes significantly better after the first glass.
Tomorrow I'm not sure what we're going to do. Lots of boredom will probably ensue. I'm reading the book Connie gave me, I've made a lot of progress on it Mountains Beyond Mountains by Tracy Kidder. I love it so far, and I think it would be a good use of my future nursing skills to go to someplace that is poor, like Paul Farmer does, and just help. Just help those people. Especially in Africa, I know there is such a brain drain in these countries...I also know foreign aid is not always the best solution but I feel like I could help a least a little.
Well, faulty interwebs allowing, I'll post something else tomorrow. I'm just bored. And so hungry! We're trying to save money, but we totally neglected the food aspect of our situation! I'm quite excited for the cruise...

plant anti-haiku

Winged Seed of Asian Climbing
Gourd sits in ground and
contemplates future flower

when becca can't study any more

I am studied out, yet, I haven't even studied that much. I'm scared because it feels like I know very little about the subjects that I have exams in. I feel like I might fail these tests, but every time I look at the material, I'm like, "I more or less know this...meh. Six Feet Under it is!"

I barely studied for a few hours today. And mostly it was chemistry. Tomorrow I have my chem exam in the evening and my biology exam the next day in the morning. I have yet to pack, which is a bad thing because I can't believe it but I'm leaving really, really shortly.

My lack of devotion to studying scares me. I know nothing about plants. And if he tests us on vocabulary, I'm screwed, because I don't know SHIT about vocabulary, or where stuff happens, or schlerenchyma. What the hell kind of word is that? and if you wikipedia it the definition is so vague! it doesn't help that what we have to know is so ill defined. I really wish professors would just lay it out, because it's not like we can know everything about EVERYTHING that they do.


As far as chemistry goes, that's pretty well defined. I just don't think I can think about it anymore. I don't know everything, but I think my knowledge is serviceable and I have an A in that class.

So that's the wrap up on school. Shaina and I are heading down to Fort Lauderdale on Tuesday. We finally figured out our transportation fiasco: my dad is driving us to Milwaukee, and Zach, (thank-you so much, I know he'll never read this but nonetheless) is driving us all the way from the airport to our hotel thing. And to get to the cruise, Zach's very kind brother is being amazing and driving us there (to Miami, from Ft. Lauderdale!) (slightly higher chance he'll read this, thank-you so much!). I guess the two details left to sort out are getting back from the hotel thingy to the airport and getting from Milwaukee back home on the 5th...ah, well. We'll figure it out.

Alright. 20 minutes of biology. Ready? Go!

2010 in lists

that one thing that you want to do but don't

Do you ever want to do something so badly you can imagine yourself doing it, but you can't actually do it? Like, sometimes I want to say things so bad I imagine that I actually said them, but never did. Which is frustrating, and with this particular personality trait, it quickly gets hard to keep track of what I actually said versus what I just thought I might possibly have said.

Today, I heard via Sarah's blog that this kid I went to school with committed suicide. That's scary. It's scary to me because I just saw him this summer. That's so recently. To commit suicide you have to be somewhat brave. I mean, I've known several people who have attempted suicide, but that I often feel is a cry for attention, or help. To actually commit suicide takes determination; it's acting against your own reflexes. It's scary to believe that life is that hard for some people. Maybe the key to keep from falling into the same fate is to keep it all in perspective.
I think one of the most likely reasons that people commit suicide is that they feel they have no one to turn to. My goal, I guess, in life, is to always be there for people to turn to. I really don't want anyone I know to feel like they have no one who cares about them, because I know what that feels like and it's tough. I mean, I don't know if there is a large amount of truth in that I had absolutely nowhere to turn when life gave me lemons, but I have in the past felt and still oftentimes feel very startlingly alone. I think having people to care for you and you being able to let your walls come down around someone is extremely important. I hope I can be one of those people for the people I care about.

Right now, my life is mainly being consumed by two emotions: dread (of school and responsibility in general) and hope. I just hope for everything to be better than it is (not that my life is terrible or anything).

I've been listening to Kanye West heavily recently. I think he works well for me because I am the antithesis of Kanye West. He is self confident, successful, comfortable with himself completely, emotive, exciting, black, he respects his mother more than life, he's creative, talented musically, kind of a douchebag...many things I am not. When I listen to his music, I feel like I'm making up for the things I lack. And it makes me feel good, and also kind of badass.

der erste Schnee und der erste Dezember

It was pretty, I'll give it that. The cold was biting, but when the wind subsided the sight was worth the glance upward. The snow falling is nice, for now. Next week, I'm sure, my insights will change. Alas.

A rough patch this week. Was expecting more productivity tonight but because of serious circumstances beyond my control have gotten little to no homework done.

Less than three weeks until I can resume breathing. Less than three weeks until I can deal with my non-scholastic life. Less than three weeks until I can relax.

give thanks

Tomorrow is the first Thanksgiving that I will not be having a nice sit down family-ish-turkey included-nice dinner. I'm really uspet about it. I mean, I love that time. It's one of my favorite holidays even if I only get to share it with two of my family members and have to cook dinner in a foreign kitchen, it really means a lot to me. I'm upset about it because this dilemma could have been avoided. Well, I guess, what could I do? I have little control over the situation. I guess I just never wanted to be one of those people getting take-out for Thanksgiving.

Enough of that. On to what I'm thankful for, because I feel like I need a reminder sometimes. Although lists are fun, I'm going to go for stream of consciousness paragraphs, I apologize.

First, I think I'll begin with myself. I am thankful that I have the ability to think and can express myself reasonably. I'm thankful that I feel like I can make decisions by myself and live in a place where I am free to do so. I'm thankful that I have a working body, which I might not always show my appreciation for properly, but in general I think we make a pretty good team. I think my body fits my personality (or vice versa? is that a weird thought?) and I'm happy with it for now. I'm happy that I have the ability to be responsible and work for what I have, and I am happy I wasn't just given everything. It makes me appreciate what I have more. I am appreciative for what I have been given, I'm thankful that my parents are supportive at many points in my life and I am thankful for the 18 years they spent supporting me, even if it was tough sometimes. It taught me a lot. I am thankful that I am Florida right now, especially because it's my first free trip this year (thanks, dad!). I am thankful for all the other times I've been here, too. I think I need a break sometimes, although I'm becoming soft for the cold weather of Madison. I am thankful for Madison. I love it, I love all the opportunities I've been given while living there.
I'm thankful for all of the people in my life. I'm thankful for the support my family has given me, I'm thankful for my friends for putting up with my ridiculousness. I'm thankful for the people from my past who have taught me lessons, even if I don't always take my own advice. I do learn from you. I'm thankful for all my memories that teach me and remind me valuable lessons about myself and give me something to smile about.
I'm thankful for all the hope in this world. Even though high hopes might make me disappointed sometimes, I have so much hope for my future and have goals and dreams because to me they often do seem like they can be realized.
I'm thankful for goofy things, like dairy products, Disney World and my yoga pants. I'm happy there are things in my life that I can look to for an escape from all the seriousness. I'm happy for those nights I've spent awake with my best friends, just 'shooting the shit.'
I'm thankful for all the people in the world who care about other people. Although this post is at best incomplete and pretty self centered, this world would be very different if the people who dedicate their lives to less fortunate chose to live differently.

I hope everyone has a nice Thanksgiving tomorrow. I know many people look at the holiday cynically with the white man killing the natives, but I think Thanksgiving has evolved into a day in which we should remind ourselves what we're really grateful for.

gobble gobble!

anticipation

The cold is the type the chills my bones. I don't know how I've survived the last 20 winters. Monday cannot come soon enough.


Things have been going alright otherwise; I've gotten to the point in the semester when I just procrastinate on everything. I guess it's deserved though. I mean, I'm not a spectacular student anymore and I'm ok with that. I have other priorities, and I think it's ok because I've earned the right to decide how to deal with school. I've decided what I want to do, and I can be comfortable in my ability, challenge myself and learn without worrying about getting a 4.0. I feel great about my life choices this week.

Also, I've been looking at life differently this week. I've started to think about how happy I can be, how things aren't finite, determined, sad...I have power over my life. It's great. I'm going to be fine.

Things, however, that could definitely be improved upon include but are not limited to:
-climate of my home. (moving toward equator?)
-fluency in german (only a matter of a year, hoefflich)
-thinking positively about other people (needs to happen more)
-over analyzing things (do any of these things matter in the long run?)
-demanding respect from those around me in my actions (don't give others a reason to lose respect)
-caring about others (seriously, less self absorbtion)
-sweeping flaws under the rug (should happen more)
-keeping my heart off my sleeve (buy long sleeved shirts!)

this is the bad mood that never ends

I don't know why I've been in such a horrible mood lately. Today, I couldn't even work up the motivation to do homework.

I hate being one of those people who takes pity on herself and thinks that everything in her life is horrible. I'm not one of those people, or at least, I am trying my hardest not to be one of those people. My life, at it's core, is great. I have lots going for me.

But there is just this sadness that's beginning to creep in around the edges again lately. It's a real sadness and I can't shake it and it's been making my life pretty miserable. I wish I could just look on the bright side of everything and never complain, but I'm just not that good of a person.

I'm scared. I'm so scared primarily because my goals for my life are so different from everyone that I know...and the really frightening part is that a major part of my life plan/goal is that it hinges on one other person. That is NOT a good position to be in. I mean, I need one other person to build a loving family. When people set out in a career path, they only need to depend on themselves. But, I mean, I can achieve in school and I can get great grades and excel in school but never achieve what I want to with my life. That's a really scary thought, especially when I have such a scroogy attitude about life lately.

Another issue with this family building goal of mine is that I tend to just wait and hope and wish for him to come along. And that's not a way to be. That quickly turns to desperation and leads to a fragile heart. And I have a really bad habit of getting my heart broken because I want it to work out so badly, always. It's an issue.

should expect more from myself?

maybe? or should i just expect what I usually expect from me?

I'm pretty predictable, but I hate letting other people down when they realize that I'm not actually great at all. I'm just a pretty big disappointment, really.

it don't take a whole day to recognize sunshine

just sayin'.

the youth is starting to change

While stumbling through the interwebs, I found this website that allowed me to search through the whole world wide web for myself and others (yes, I probably snooped around for you, too). I was astonished/thought it was hilarious that I found my old myspace profile. I guess youth is just a learning experience, but it's still kind of embarrassing to go back to my myspace profile and see how young I really was. I feel like 20 will at one point seem young, but 15 is infantile.
But, in reality, despite the trashiness of my myspace profile, it was/is less trashy than others that I stalked through whilst I was exploring my cyberfootprints. It was kind of like a time capsule, you know? Weird. I have this really emo looking picture up and I couldn't even be on the website for too long because the whole concept seems obnoxious now. I wish I could find a way to get all my pictures off so I could just delete the cursed thing. But I like some of those pictures!!
I think the whole concept of the top 8 is hilarious. I kind of want to reconstruct a top 8 for my own benefit and compare it to the one that's up there, but think I would just opt for the later-conceived top 4, because I don't think I could fill up a top 8.
Such drama was associated with that. Like, who was first? Are they dating because she/he is in his/her top 8? Why am I not in your top 8 but you're in mine? God, I hate that. I wasn't even involved in it that bad and I hated it.

For all of you who know me, look me/yourselves up on myspace again. It's enlightening.

politics

I don't follow politics. But, I know that Russ Feingold was one of the best senators that the United States has ever seen. He was unafraid to vote against his party and worked with his opponents to make reasonable decisions. He voted in senate like a real person, which is a quality that arguably no other senator has going for him/her. He is a solid person who really did fight for what he and his Wisconsinites wanted. I am extremely disappointed that he lost tonight, and am frankly frightened for what the future holds. It scares me that people are so easily swayed by small frames of time, small trifles, disappointments. It's horrible. I am also appalled at the number of mud slinging ads that I've seen throughout this election. The Feingold ads that I saw were honest ads that told me why I should vote for him and why he had been elected in the past.

Wisconsin lost one of its best today. I'm disappointed in my fellow Wisconsinites (Madisonians, way-up-northers, and Milwaukeeans excluded, I guess) because they failed to see all the great things that Feingold has done for our state by not always following party lines.

Herb Kohl, it's all on you.

realizations of my life from last night/this morning

1. I have a paper due tomorrow, the topic of which the person grading has no idea about. NO IDEA. I could write anything and make it look nice and I'd probably get by. Hopefully...
2. That being said, this paper will still require a lot of work because I need to report data and find more sources, which is a huge pain in the ass.
3. I have some of juxtamedullary nephrons and lots of cortical nephrons. I could go into more depth here but I feel that's sufficient.
   
4. I attract the weirdest people at parties, and not like, in the 'attract' kind of way. I mean in like the anyone talking to me kind of way. Seriously, the weirdest people.
5. Anyone with long hair will never be attractive to me.
6. I procrastinate, but it's manageable.
7. I'm twenty. That's old, in my books. I know I'll look back twenty more years from now and think myself a fool, but I feel fossilized. When does your youth end? Is it when you can no longer buy youth fare cards on the bus? 'Cause I think that's 24. I got a couple years.
8. Going to parties without Rushi is way different than going to parties with her. Mostly because she acts as a catalyst for my socializing with other people.
   
9. Fake spiderwebbing is NOT a good call in public areas.
10. I get my hopes up really easily. I mean, you don't have to say much for me to wish for the best...I think that's the Disney in me. Like, as a relatively shallow example, if my dad suggests that we might be going out to dinner (key word: might) I get all hungry and crave wherever I think is likely we'll go. Or, a slightly more involved example, if someone says that they might stop by my apartment, I'll make every effort to be ready and have time for them, even if they don't even stop by. Or, a really sad example, someone shows me a little kindness, I get really hopeful that we'll be friends. I'm not sure if these things usually work out or not.
11. With number ten being said, I always expect the worst and brace for it. I'm not really sure how those intertwine but they do.
12. I really like She & Him. And I really, really think Phoenix is overrated.
13. There are worse things in the world than bacon, which is weird, because I really hate bacon. And cilantro. Ugh, I cannot even imagine if someone made cilantro/bacon anything. I would NOT eat that.
14. I think that (going back to number 4) these weird people are attracted to me because I too am strange. And I think my strangeness is a function of my family being strange. But I'm not sure to what degree of strange I am next to them, because my parents are pretty weird.
15. German, the language I love, now makes me sad. I have had a few revelations about the evil-ness of what they do. Also, they're obsessed with Hitler. What a shit. Who would put him in a museum? And why would the link to that article be on my syllabus for my class?
    
16. I like my radio show. I accidentally listened to it and I like it. We're funny, and I hope we're funny to people who don't know us, too.
17. Sarah has an amazing place. I love where she lives, it has character. And she's happy.
18. Facebook is creepy. I want to delete it more than ever, but can't because you can't function in a social network (no intention) where a lot of the "action" happens online. It would be like functioning in our society without a cell phone.
19. I fall into habits easily. If I'm messy, I stay that way. If I'm tidy, I stay that way. If I'm in love, I stay that way.
20. I get really proud of my friends and loved ones. Their successes are mine, and I brag about them. Maybe that's weird.
    

october: the disappearing act

I don't want it to go! I love October, but yet, it's going. Time moves so quickly these days.




I'd rate today a 6/10, but really, if it were any other month it realistically would have been a 4.

like so many things you are evanescent

like so many things you are evanescent
the warm summer breeze blows you in and
we breathe you out with sharp winds
my skin eases to your chilly air
and my mind sharpens.
year after year the fall comes
and fades after too little time
like all the thoughts that pass through here:
short memories that last only seconds
followed by long fantasies that parade around
stirring up my disillusioned daze.
as the sunlight grows dimmer after
fewer and fewer hours
it dawns on me, youth is passing.
like so many things you are evanescent.
tomorrow can i trust my idea from today
that i will love you unconditionally
that i am a good person?
will i wake up, remembering the warm breath
of summer only to find frost dancing on my toes?
will the summer spots on my shoulders
fade, covered by thick
sweaters and dry skin?
i await your permanence with bated breath
i love you deeply already
my one, my only.

quoting things that i shouldn't be is a great use of my time

"We ignore the ones who adore us and adore the ones who ignore us."

Truer words were never tweeted.

Like I said, paying attention to things I shouldn't be strongly correlates with suffering in my grades. Oh, Becca.

q=mcΔT

Another chem exam tomorrow. Wish me luck, as this time I am ill prepared. Alas, I blog rather than study.

Yesterday was the first parking ticket of the year.
Tomorrow, the October love continues with a trip to the corn maze. I am excited, I will be social.

Today, I'll admit, was kind of a wash. I didn't really get caught up in the subjects I needed to be caught up in, but hopefully this weekend will be fruitful.

Also, I've noticed that I probably absorb too much information about passersby. I actually think about people who will never be part of my life, nor will I be part of theirs. I try to guess if the girl next to me has a really weird habit, or what the guy on the bike crossing the street's favorite food is. I guess it's weird, weirder still that I'd admit to it and have the nerve to blog about it. These are the clues which lead me to believe that I'm not quite normal, but I'm okay with myself. Am I too young to be self-actualized? I think I have a fair estimation about where on the social, academic, attractiveness, attentiveness, luckiness, etc. food chains I lay. I'm a little fuzzy on the meaning of 'self-actualized' but I think I've got a pretty firm hold on who I am. This is obviously not to say there aren't things that I can't work on, but I know where my weaknesses are, for the most part, I think. That sounded sure of myself, pfah. Also, let's not get ahead of ourselves, just because I know who I am doesn't mean I like or am okay with every aspect about myself...

I hate pilling on shirts and sweaters from backpack straps. I think it looks shitty and I'm not sure how to avoid it short of losing my love handles completely which would make me less lovable and therefore I don't want to do at this point in time. A quick google search returned a handy comb for pillage...(ha, pillage, as in I'd pillage a village, which also coincidentally rhymed) but that costs money that I'm not sure I'm willing to devote to this.


Also, sporcle is an INCREDIBLE use of time. Not incredibly good, but incredible nonetheless.

jews are racist

what kind of a statement is that? who can be so irrationally out of their mind that they can with good concious type or mutter a statement like that? or black people are racist? or white people are racist? these are pardoxical words, morons. you're idiots.
i think it's pathetic that some people still think the Holocaust didn't happen. it's pathetic. it's sickening that i should have to look at some asswipe's post on youtube about how there's more evidence than ever that the Fatherland is innocent. How dare you people? How dare someone try to deny the extermination of so many innocent people by other human beings (if they even deserve to be called that). Where are these people's parents? Although I don't know anyone who was in the Holocaust, I know many, many stories of those who died, I've seen pictures, museums, testimonies, poetry, speeches. How can you say this is all a hoax? It's sickening. What parents, parents whose parents were alive during that time, can tell their children that it never happened? These sorely misinformed youth will not know history, and as we all know, are doomed to repeat it.

For fuck's sake, keep you horrible, racist, ungodly comments to yourselves. Or learn something and take a lesson in sympathy. This is going to be a long WWII unit in German. I can't believe my assignment was to watch Himmler's speech to exterminate the Jews...I feel sick. I just feel sick.

a becca fulfilled

i love october. i get so full of life during this month.

10 good things that happened to me today:

1. took the long way home to breathe.
2. did miserably on an exam, but felt ok about it, because i studied!
3. had a really awkward encounter and laughed.
4. received an anonymous phone call at the radio station from an attractive sounding man who said he was in love with aarushi and me. i wish i knew who he was!
5. two whole episodes of mad men (loving season 3 but bracing myself for the divorce which happens at some point in the future, i don't know if i'll be able to handle it).
6. was so productive in the library.
7. found music to describe two moods: the blues are still blue by belle & sebastian and she & him volume II for just being, and the social network soundtrack is awesome to study with.
8. finished my chem lab, early.
9. bubble tea.
10. took a nap.

i feel like all my problems take a break in october. forget the fact that i'm overextended, lonely, can hear my upstairs neighbors having sex, can sometimes get mean, am overly anti-social and by not being ahead in my work i am virtually behind...

I'm great!

when you're unsuspecting

I think that the most real portrait of someone's true self is how they conduct themselves they perceive that no one is watching. Today it was enlightening to watch as the people in the crowd assumed they were blending in. The looks people give as they walk, as they sit doing their homework...I feel like those are the faces that represent them as who they really are. I don't think any one can have their guard up 100% of the time...I mean, I know I can't. But what is really interesting is seeing the people you look up to or admire, they all have those faces, too. Like Barack Obama. He knows people watch him all the time...but I bet he gets those moments of unguarded-ness.

Seeing him today was cool. I mean, I didn't actually see him. But the bustle around my neighborhood as his motorcade passed by my apartment was crazy, all for one person. On another tangent, I feel like the excitement in the air when the president comes to your town, I feel like that is the excitement you should feel for the one you love. It was nice to feel that way for a little while today.

I can't imagine having that responsibility; I can't imagine holding a public office where so many people draw so much inspiration from you. I mean, to scale the issue back to my own life, I'm so exhausted these days, I take breathing for granted, which is something I hate doing. I love feeling air in my lungs and remembering the small things. It's so hard though, to get caught up in the gazillion other responsibilities I've laid out for myself, I don't have time to enjoy, well, anything. I mean, eating is a hassle, a lunch I cram in my backpack and wolf down on my way to my lecture. I walk and listen to old lectures. Keeping in touch with my friends feels like one of the hardest tasks because it's something I can procrastinate on indefinitely. My diary is all but being ignored...my entries are short and I've abandoned complete sentences.

The moments in which I do allow myself to think about things, like this one, scare me. I'm scared. I'm so scared about everything right now. I feel like this semester is like Mount Everest and I'm climbing it with no Sherpas.

I guess I was unsuspecting of how difficult this would be. I mean, I knew it would take incredible discipline and great solidarity, but this has surpassed my wildest dreams. It is hard to hear my roommates saying I have the best work ethic, or hear praise from my professors or reflected in my test scores, because I know all those things are just reflections of other things being left unattended. I definitely do not have the best work ethic...if I didn't work this hard with all the obligations I've taken on, I couldn't do it. And honestly, I don't know why I did this to myself. I feel like this is the opposite of last semester, I took so many credits and took part in so many extracurriculars...it's overwhelming. I'm letting it get to me, too. But honestly, it's hard not to.

One of the biggest things I've learned about myself this month is that I need human interaction. At least a little. I mean, I can handle 7 days straight of myself, but sometimes, I need someone. I need someone to hug. I'm a huge hug person. Also, I've learned so much useless information that I love from SYSK. I'm addicted to that. I've learned that I'm a neat freak and I like cooking my own food whenever possible. I've learned that I don't hate cilantro that much. I've learned that somethings, yes, somethings are just impossible. I can't be superwoman, no matter how hard I try. I'm not perfect. I can't make my work be perfect, my personality and I can't always be happy with what I have. I've learned that procrastinating on procrastinating is easier when you procrastinate doing other things that will eventually be due. I've learned that no matter what I do, Aarushi will probably still talk to me and make me feel a little better. And she probably won't eat/remember what groceries she buys. I've learned that Connie forgets a lot and can be very motivational to get me to go for runs. I've learned that I can totally be single, and not worry about boys (except for maybe, maybe once a day, obviously still a priority, in true becca fashion).

And now that I've calmed down and procrastinated for real I should get back to work writing this proposal. I hope that I never have to deal with writing a proposal again for another research topic...scientific writing is difficult.

the luxury of love

I find it strange that out of all the unrequited love I've produced into this world, none has been bestowed upon me. What's with that?!
Like, even if there was unrequited love in the vicinity of me, I've never known about it, thus making it a moot point. I mean, if someone told me that they were in love with me, but I wasn't in love with them...jeeze. I'm not sure what I'd do. I mean, I figure I'd be nice to them, but not too nice. But where do you cut that off? If someone like me was in love with me, and bought me groceries and took care of my house or spent literally 1000's of dollars to visit me...I guess I'd have a hard time denying them too. So are these tactics that I use manipulative? Do I do them to keep men interested because I fear that I alone cannot? Or do these unprompted and I imagine oftentimes unwanted 'favors' really come from somewhere deep in my heart like I imagine they do? I have, in the past, done things for boys because I truly like them and I want them to be happy. Maybe I'm overstepping my boundaries.

I guess I'd like to set the record straight: I don't see myself as manipulative, but I can see how others could misinterpret my actions this way. I'm not desperate, but I see how others could see me that way. I'm just sad that no one fancies me in the same way that I seem to fancy people, and I guess I'm a little confused as to why. Only time will tell, I guess.

going mad.

i just feel whiny and self-loathing.
it's unrooted in any rational thought process.
i guess we can boil this down to the paradigm:

if Betty Draper is the person you can relate to most in Mad Men, there's gotta be a problem.

questionable life equilibrium?

I'm doing well for myself. I'm running. I'm cooking (real stuff, in the oven!) I fall asleep easily. I love school. I'm really involved in German Club. I've listened to so many podcasts I don't know if my brain could possibly take on any more possibly useless/interesting knowledge. I finished all of my Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches and won't be able to get any until the weekend. My research at the lab is confusing, but enjoyable. I like reading my assignments. I love my radio show. I'm alone the majority of the time. I get to eat at the Med Cafe. My wife walks me to class on occasion (a nice substitute for a future husband for now). I'm not ecstatic, nor am I depressed. I am well.
It's nuts! I feel like I'm normal.

And deleting facebook from my quick bookmarks makes life so much easier!

uncharted territory

I'm busier than I've ever been in my life, but I don't like having time to think. I wish I could always be on task and forget that I had any life whatsoever outside of school. I don't like thinking about facebook, I don't like thinking about Mad Men (although, let's be honest, I really do love thinking about Mad Men...another escape from reality. but you see my point here.) I don't like thinking about the gaping hole in my life where friends should be. I don't like thinking about love, I don't like thinking about the people upstairs and how they are making up for the sex that I am not having. I like being busy with tasks that are doable and containable and needed. I don't like thinking about the months to come.
Fundamentally, there is something wrong with this. I want to be able to think and rationalize and enjoy my own company, but I've taken such a horrible turn in my thoughts this past week with the time that I do have to myself (which is barely any, mind you. I really am busy 85% of the time, either studying or reading or trying to work Excel). But those few minutes before I go to sleep, in the shower, while I'm walking...my unfocused thoughts still get to me then.
It's not that I'm not happy. That's not it. I'm very happy. I feel like my life is full and many, many, maybe too many people depend on me. I like living by myself, I like working and I love school. But what I don't love is that no one is there for me. I feel guilty about wanting to talk about my life with any one else, because honestly, who cares? Everyone else is really busy, I know, and every one else is stressed out, I know. And no one wants to hear a whiny, (almost) 20 year old rant. The more I think, the more upset I get that no one else will hear my thoughts. No one else will hear my take on things I heard or saw or read, or ideas that I have, or how many bazillion commitments I've made. I do these things for myself, but there is a part of me that really wishes that some one else...just one person...really did care about me and my life.

love as an escape

One of my dearest and wisest friends did a lot of thinking for me. She said that I use love as an escape from my life, and that is true. I am so overwhelmed by everything in my life right now, but in a good way. I'm using my life as an escape from love...probably a healthier way to look at things. This semester is going pretty well so far. I'm exhausted after a really full day...no worries though, I think I still have a little energy left over to do most if not all of my reading/homework and maybe even squeeze in a little immunology reading to boot. It's refreshing to be distracted and learning about all these fantastic things that I am so interested in. For instance, my Global Health History class is so interesting, I even want to do the optional readings (time permitting). I love my bio class, and every day going to my lab to do real research feels like an academic adventure of huge proportions. I love teaching the new lab undergrad stuff about the lab. I'm having a good life. A lonely one, but a good one. I feel wholesome.
This is not to say I've not been doing a lot of thinking, too. I mean, I've thought a lot about my intentions and selfishness combined with my selflessness. It intersects all too often, and I'd like to remedy this. It should be mostly selflessness and less selfishness. But I still need time for myself! In such a delicate balance I live.

Meanwhile, I've discovered Kombucha. It's so good and it helps me relax. Downsides: it's really expensive and I'm pretty sure it's a tiny bit alcoholic. It's good though because I'm still feeling ill (what, it's been like 2 weeks now? what the hell, world?!) and it's good on the throat, even cold.

The Nicest Thing

by Kate Nash.

Switzerland: day ?

London was one of the best times I've had in my life. No joke. I was happy nearly constantly and thought little in the consuming way I typically do. It was truly a vacation, and in my estimations a deserved and needed one.
Switzerland is fun, but expensive. I lost a tennis shoe so walking around has been a problem lately. (Note to self: buy tennis shoes before school starts).
Also, I at some point in my life, would like to do an internship at the WHO.
This apartment is nice, I've come to feel more at home here. The couch isn't too unbearable and I only have to sleep on it until around 7 because that's when Jerry goes to work anyway.

To my best friends:
I cannot reply to you on your own blogs, so I will make a note on my own blog about yours.
Sarah: Andy does suck. Screw that guy. I was grinning a little as I was reading that post, but it's all very true and he is quite a weirdo.
Aarushi: I appreciate you enlightening me on what Red Hot Sauce was. We should get some for our apartment. Also: thank you for mailing the disc back. And you're so busy! Try not to get too overwhelmed. I like the post it note idea.

eh, I should sleep. I have an 11am wake up call set up, hopefully I'll get some exploring done before the Barbeque tomorrow night.

Geneva: impressions/reflections upon arrival

Alright, so after a long 3 flights, I'm in Geneva, CH (what the hell, by the way, why is Switzerland's country abbreviation CH?) and it is gorgeous. The city employs the most professional of international flares; on the bus from the airport we passed the UN, the WHO, the WTO and a few other really important international business buildings. It's incredible. I'm enjoying the French...it's interesting because people will carry on conversations with you in French or ask you questions in French even when it becomes overwhelmingly apparent that you do not speak French/address them in English. I think it's snobbily hilarious.
The apartment Jerry is inhabiting for the summer is in one of the seedier districts of town over a brothel, but Jerry has assured me that the place is really safe overall and the city poses little threat. The guy whose apartment this is is apparently a flaming homosexual with a boyfriend 30 years his senior named "Gerald Chevrolet" (same name as Jerry and yes, related to 'the' Chevrolet). Also, is it just me or are people in Europe much more affectionate in public? I've seen so many couples today. Especially in Amsterdam...
Which always gets me thinking about being 1/2 of a couple because it's strange to see behaviors I recall so vividly from my own life (albeit it mostly in private) played out in public right before my eyes, as if those people are saying, 'yeah, that's right, we haven't fucked this up yet' as if I've done something horribly wrong to not deserve such affection. Sometimes it's unnerving, especially when one or both parties make eye contact with me. Also, these people live across the ocean from me, which always is a strange thought. I love people watching, and not just the couples, either.
Tonight apparently we're going out with one of Jerry's co-workers and her friend from Ireland. I'm a little frightened as I don't really drink much at home and am quite positive that I will either really embarrass myself or over-think, both negatives. Tonight after Jerry gets home we're also going grocery shopping and to get my cell phone situation figured out. (yep, I have an international cell phone...if you want the number let me know and I'll get it to you somehow/call you briefly).
So far I've gotten quiche, tea, and the best milk EVER. Seriously. Swiss milk might just have Wisconsin's milk beat, as hard/sad as that is for me to admit.
Things to look forward to:
London tomorrow
More Swiss Dairy products (including, but not limited to, cheese, milk, fondue)
Seeing the prostitutes try to cajole my cousin
Figuring out how to flush the toilet in here
Sleeping on the couch (about 2 feet shorter than I)
Exploring Geneva (!!)
Paying exorbitant prices for everything (1 L of milk=1.65 CHF)
Jetlag
Time to myself to think
Bern
France


Of note: I am all moved in to my new apartment. I'm really liking my new room. I guess I missed the boat talking about all the excitement associated with that because now I am in Europe and completely enamored with this...

ex-ceptional

I've decided I don't like the term "ex." I don't like the term "ex-wife" or "ex-husband" because it sounds so harsh! Today I was referred to as "my ex-girlfriend" and my heart sank a little. It sounds so horrible...I don't want to be an ex-anything. It sounds even like a punishment, for something that frankly, I did not do.
Also, it's my parents 22nd wedding anniversary. Their 19th divorce anniversary should be approaching quickly, too.
I feel like they are the epitome of exes. I mean, they both are equally strange and have no one else to spend time with, so they tend to have these terse (I guess sometimes they probably become lengthy) weird conversations where my mom listens to my dad and my dad just likes having someone to talk to.
I see myself in they way my mother loves. She falls hard. I fall hard. And she drags her relationships on, and on, and on, and on, and on, because I feel like she's so hopeful for the future. She just wants everything to work out and have her little life that she wanted when she was my age come to fruition. And it's so sad because the exact opposite happens and will continue to happen to her, and I fear the worst as well for me. She is so alone, all the time, and so in love with my dad still after so many years (which seems weird to me that she'd be in love with that, because he's way off plum). But I guess the real kicker is that she's so many things I don't want to be, I don't want to so easily see my reflection in something so personal as the way she loves. I don't want to be like this, but I can't help it and it's frightening.
I guess all I can do is pray that I don't end up in a sad situation such as that and that I posses qualities that she does not that will make me successful in my romantic endeavors rather than succumb to the fate that she has sealed for herself.
I feel like I'm watching the Titanic sail toward an iceberg and there's nothing I can do about it but stare. As cliche as that one sounds, just as I couldn't change the course of the liner, I can't change my feelings and how I interact with people, no matter where they may lead (I do hope my life isn't leading toward me sinking into the metaphorical ocean of life, but I guess we'll see, won't we?). Those emotions are raw, real and true. I don't want to lose that reality for the sake of safety...
I don't think.

Break Ups, TB Tests, ELISA and Ice Cream

I have never been in the room before when someone has broken up with someone else.
That is an experience.
Yikes. I felt horrible. Scratch that, I feel horrible.
I guess I've always been in the room when I've been broken up with, but there's something more saddening and almost pathetic when you're in the room when it happens to someone else.
Also: what's the taboo about talking to other people when you're in the car? I realize I have a problem with that. How deep of a conversation is allowed in the car with someone else? What if you're genuinely concerned? I freak myself out with my overanalyzations.
My TB test came back pogative. Yes. Pogative.
Nothing like ice cream at Culver's.
ELISA is about to consume me tomorrow, wish me luck.

Gusto (August-o)

I'm going to live this month with gusto. (read: i can't believe I'm living in the 10th month of my 20th year...will time ever slow down again?) With enthusiasm that I have lost. I will not subject myself to the whims of my emotions, oh but I will.
Existential Crisis reignites. You all are warned.

eggs over uneasy

I tried to make eggs this morning.
didn't go through with it because i couldn't decide whether i wanted them scrambled with cheese or over easy.
speaking of over easy, I am waay over easy. I got the assignment for the independent research project for my Biology class next semester, and it seems as though I'm going to have to do much more work than I anticipated. That makes me, well, uneasy.
Other things that make me uneasy: relationships with the male gender in general. Of all people I know, I feel like I don't have one relationship with one man or boy that I feel like I'm on solid ground with. I think it's me. It's gotta be! I mean, I feel like I do the girl thing and almost expect them to know what I'm thinking. But I think about it so much, it just seems obvious to me! I realize this flaw. Men don't know what you're thinking unless you say it. But don't over say it? But I think it so much I feel like I should censor what I say...? Oy, more things to make me uneasy.
Work: another thing to make me uneasy. The lab. I always get this weird feeling like the experiments are failing because I pour the plates wrong or something! It seems irrational, but honestly, it's highly possible. I hope that's not the case, don't you think they would've talked to me or something by now?
Moving.
Switzerland.
Finding grammar mistakes in things that I've written that other people have already read. I hate that!

origins of my love of solitude

So when I was younger, I used to switch houses on Thursdays. Either I'd switch from my Mom's to my Dad's house or my Dad's to my Mom's house. I don't think I really thought it had as big of an impact on me as it actually did. For starters, my favorite day of the week is, and as far back as I can remember, has been Thursday. At the time, the switch took some adjustment. If I was going to my dad's, I'd prepare myself for a couple days of being alone, and if I was going to my mom's, I'd prepare for her to dote and smoke and me to have a lot more toys to play with.
What reminded me of this today was that I was all alone at my dad's house, with my dad in his room, just like ten years ago. Nothing has changed, but I have grown to find comfort in my lonliness. I no longer cry quietly in my room while my dad sleeps away the last rough 80 hour work week and miss my mother. I no longer read high-school level books while I pretend I'm somewhere else. I just sit here, and have learned to love being alone.
Talking with Rushi lately, I've decided a lot of things about myself. First, I've been taking a more serious look at my definitions of love and my relationships with those around me. Second, I've decided that this is the root of my loving my solitude.
Every Thursday at my dad's, I'd walk home from school and come home to a large, empty, squeaky house. It was scary, but it was comforting to know that I only had a few hours to bear until school the next day. I'd wait around, read books, do my homework, maybe watch TV...(I recall watching Who Wants to be a Millionaire a few times when it just came out)...but I was always alone. I'd talk to my mom for the allotted 15 minutes, but after that, I was on my own. It wasn't so bad. My dad went to bed around 7, so I'd try my best to fall asleep close to that time. Anyway, Friday mornings I was always alone too, as my dad went to davening every morning, so I'd have to pack my lunch and get myself to school on time, (which I was really good at!) and be alone the whole time. I don't remember how I felt about it at the time, I think I was just focusing at the task at hand, aka, me getting myself to school and getting a lunch out of whatever was in the bachelor's fridge that day.
Now Fridays...those were the absolute worst. Fridays were the nights when I realized how alone I was. After school, (some days I'd even go home early from school, because of Shabbos) I'd come home and get ready, all by myself. I'd shower, do all that good stuff, fix all the lights up for the next day and light candles. I think we used to make chicken or other easily made type foods, then we'd set the TV timer for a couple hours (upon my request, so I could watch TGIF and see if Cory ended up with Topanga) and that was it. I was on my own. My dad fell asleep easily within 10 minutes of sitting down on his chair, and I was alone. Bone chillingly alone. I don't know if you've ever felt the sensation of watching TV with someone while they fall asleep, and you want nothing more than company, but it's probably one of the loneliest feelings that one can feel. Especially knowing that you can't call anyone on the phone, can't write in a diary, can't do homework, can't listen to music, can't play Math Blaster...all you have is yourself. All I had was myself.
As I remember this experience in my head, it seems worse than it was. I mean, I feel bad for 6-13 year old Rebecca, alone and scared. But at the time I just missed my mom. I missed my big bed, I missed my cats. I missed the company. I guess I got over that at some point. I mean, a lot should be credited to my mom's constant need for my attention, which I wanted, even needed, at a certain age, but quickly outgrew it and saw the problems which it drew in when I needed my space. At my mom's, the constant attention oftentimes grew to be too much and eventually I'd just want to be scared and alone, at my dad's. With them (meaning my parents) it was always too much or too little. It still is.
Which brings me back to the fact that very little has changed in my life in the way of my parents. I'm still spending a Saturday night alone at home at my dad's house (which was more common as I got older and my relationship with my mother grew more and more unstable) but this time, as older Rebecca, I love this. I've grown to love this time alone. I need it, just as much as I needed my mother's attention 10 years ago. I think that I experienced the absolute worst of being alone, and I feel like most of the time, the only person who can make sense of my thoughts is me, anyway. So why not enjoy myself as company? I've spent more time with me than any body else by far, I know me. I know everything about me, I've been through so much by myself. At times, there's no better company than that.

So it's weird for me to be in the same situation just at a completely different time in my life and see what has changed, both in my head and around me.

ice cream sandwiches, flat tires, and voodoo

or so today went.
5 hours at woodman's never felt so long.
and a phone conversation never felt so short.

ugh. today was a 3. perhaps a 4.

Those Five Questions

1. What's going well for you?
I like school and am excelling in it, which I feel is pretty much number one. I'm not super enthused about the relationships in my life, so I guess in that arena I feel as though I am reevaluating my social situation and getting things straightened out. I feel like I can assess myself fairly, and assess others around me. I enjoy my solitude and find myself having a lot of it on purpose. I'm getting more comfortable with learning about my own tastes and preferences without relying on others to sway my opinion. I like myself, and it's weird to say that because I went so long feeling so opposite that. It's a relief.
2. What are you trying to ignore?
My problems, probably. I mean, I feel like I like to address things head on, but some things about my true feelings regarding many topics I try to gloss over. For instance, I don't really have an opinion on abortion so I try to ignore the fact that there's a whole debate raging over it so I don't have to chose sides. Is that wrong? This goes for more personal issues as well, but I guess that's as in depth as I'd like to share publicly.
3. What's boring you?
Drama. I hate drama between people, I think it's just dumb. Especially people our age. I have my issues with people and such, but I don't make a huge deal about it. I don't like gossip, not because it makes me uncomfortable, just because I don't really care one way or the other.
Summer. I want school to start.
Madison. I love it, but I need to get out.
Self pity. It's always the same old story with me. Same ole, same ole, and let's be honest, everyone else is bored with my self pity, too.
4. How do you want to be remembered?
When I move out, move on, lose touch with people for whatever reason, I would like to be remembered as a caring, responsible person who would go out of the way for people she cares about. I want to be remembered as a person of depth. As someone who could be confided in and comprehend problems and be able to help or at least offer a shoulder to cry on. I want to be remembered as a real person, not a reflection of everyone else around her, as someone who was independent. Strong willed. Lovable. Cuddly. Nice.
5. Who do you love?
We'll start with the basics. I love my mother and father, my cousins, my best friends. Regardless. No matter how I feel at a certain time, I'll always love those people. I feel like love is just wanting to be there for people, wanting to be a part of their lives, wanting them to enjoy you and love you back, seriously caring about what happens to them, wanting the best for them. I always want to be there for all of them. I love them like nothing else, even if they don't/can't always act in my best interest, or love me unconditionally as I do them.
A little less obvious, I love everyone I have loved in the past. I feel like that's a feeling that never really fades, no matter how faint of contact I have with them or how badly things may have ended. That's a strong emotion, and although I no longer may feel the need to go out of my way and bend over backwards for them, I still care about their well being and want the best for them, and in that way, I love them. (When I say them, it makes me feel like I've had so many lovers over the years, but that is just not the case. It's only a couple, don't fret.)
I feel like I love easily because that's just my nature to be caring like that.
My more distant relatives, the ones I don't interact with on a daily basis, I feel like I love because we are related, but know little of them. I feel like my 'love' emotion for them is not as strong as even my emotions related to my good friends of like as I barely know them, but there's something about mishpacha. Gotta love 'em.
I love myself. I do. I need to realize that one more a lot of the time, so this is serving as, if nothing else, a reminder to myself. No matter how bad things get, I know that there's at least one person who loves me back.

http://www.fivebigquestions.com/

the night of the many vivid dreams

i had like 4 crazy dreams last night that are still fresh in my mind.
So, the one I'm choosing to blog about is the one that I dreamt after I woke up for the first time and before I woke up for the second time. It goes like this:
Sarah and I are on this huge cruise line. We have to tender to shore for the first 'island' we visit, but instead of using a tender boat, we swim. The person who's assisting people get onto the dock looks like Pee Wee Herman. Also, this dream was incredibly technicolor. Like, so bright you couldn't believe. So, anyway, on this dock thing, there's a huge party going on, I thrown by Rivers Cuomo. It was off the hook! They had several rooms with different themes and different activities. Sarah and I start to explore and some how I climb onto this weird trapeze thing where there are four ribbons and they are the only thing keeping me alive as they are hanging 100 feet above the floor. I think what it was was like an arena for death matches or something. Anyway, somehow I get up there but Sarah, being the sane one doesn't. She tries to talk to me to get my mind off of it, but I tell her to shut up. She takes it well. Eventually, I get down and we start to explore again. There's a room where there are two Guitar Hero stations, there's a room where old timey horror movie characters are getting their groove on (Godzilla was living it up in the hottub), a room where collegiates were trying to help younger people in math over really delicious breakfast, a room where there were dancing bones (like, Dinosaur bones, but they weren't scary) a huge empty dance floor...a jousting room, and lots of other random things. but it was so vivid.

post number 82

Alright, Alright, I suppose I owe the world an apology for overdramatic self-indulgent blog posts. (And by the world, I mean all 2 of you reading this...) Truth is, I handle situations in which my heart is in question poorly. Always. I know this of myself, but I have a hard time communicating to those around me, so I blog about it, because I want somebody to know, but I have few words to tell anybody. Which I guess ends up a little embarrassing for me in the long run, but a price I'm willing to pay overall.
Still, I feel foolish and sappy, and enjoy my self-indulgent romantic side at times. Only at times. Yesterday, Sarah and I went to Urban Outfitters (I always go in there, but never buy anything unless it's on super duper clearance because it's so expensive and the clothes honestly look like you could buy them at a thrift store) and I read this [pictured] book, which I eventually ended up buying for half the price on Amazon. Of course, it was the sap in me that enjoys it. And I revel in it. It makes me feel just like everyone else, but in a good way. Like, maybe I say some stupid sappy stuff, but people find a way for it to work for them. People who are in love write from the heart, they write how they feel, they have feelings and jokes that no one else understands and it's so special for them. It doesn't matter how many people feel a certain way or how unique one relationship is, the emotion is still the same across so many people. It's a good thing. For a while now I've been thinking about the 'crowd mentality' and how there are so many people around and we all do the same thing, every day, day in and day out (this whole notion is mostly fueled by an ill thought that occured to me at Summerfest recently) and require the same basic things. Humans all enjoy the same basic things, whether it be a song with three verses, a refrain and a bridge, comfortable clothes, or drinking fluids. This world is designed for humans! I don't know, there was something weird about that for me. I feel petty in a way that I feel like everyone is the same, but feels unique. We're all the same...like snowflakes. I know we've all grown up hearing the whole 'each snowflake is different' but honestly, when you see snow, it covers the ground and no one bothers to pick out one individual snowflake from the rest of them. Once spring rolls around, they all melt back together anyway. Which is how we are. We think the world is here for us to use and mold into something that fits our basic needs and most outrageous desires, but it's just a planet that we've carved to fit us. It's such a human thing to do.
Getting away from that whole rant, back to the love letters, I don't want to feel separated from other humans anymore. I feel like my line of thought has been alienating for me, and I don't know if I can unthink it. But I'm trying. I thnk the love letters thing is helping, because I'm sappy, and I realy believe in love. I want to. I want to see that something that so many people can feel can be enjoyed by each and every one of them in the same way. But different.
I don't know. I'll stop babbling now. You're a saint if you've finished this post. Props to you.

ditto

http://manymusingsofaarushi.blogspot.com/2010/07/there-are-some-things-that-should-not.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+ManyMusingsOfAarushi+%28Many+Musings+of+Aarushi%29

never

is so long to wait. it's so long.
i'm so sad.
i wish this didn't happen to me, i feel so idiotic and dumb and sad and lonely and embarrassed and just all around horrible. this should not be this horrible. this should be easy.
but i care so much. i care so much about this. i want this. i want it so bad it hurts.
i'm a fool for this. i'm absolutely ridiculous. is it because i don't allow people to treat me decently? is it because i feel like i deserve more from people than i should? what standards do i set? who loves me? who cares about me enough to hear my thoughts? i know people say they do, but the truth is they can only listen so much. i can only expect so much.
meanwhile, although i try ever so hard, i know my mind will wander.
i'll dream about this.
i'll lose myself in meaningless thought. hopeless, wasted thought.
i am not satisfied with an ending like this.
i'll never learn. silly girl.

becca's big week(-ish time period)

So, it's been hectic. Very, very hectic. I went to Summerfest this weekend with a large group of people. I had a lot of fun despite Hannah having her car towed and dealing with the big mess of what happened with that, and I apologize for alienating my friends for ranting about certain things/people, I realize I could've handled that better. I hope no friendships are too damaged.
I've been feeling stressed out lately because of how much I've been working and how little I've been sleeping. Lots of Woodman's hours + working at the lab everyday + Traveling = Lonely Exhausto Becca = Kind of Annoying Bossy Ornery Becca = :(
I'm sorry to everyone who has had to deal with me this past week.
Anyway, so I've been to Milwaukee three times in the past three days and am going again on Saturday. It's nice because I've finally figured out where everything is in Milwaukee, how horrible their government functions (especially with respect to illegally parked cars, we saw right through your scams!) what the difference between Mequon and Glendale is, where the "East Side" is and how valuable I-43 North is. I can name the stores in Bayshore and where to park for which restaurants, and I have now experienced California Pizza Kitchen. Success! And I love driving anyway, so the large amount of driving didn't even bother me that much. But seriously, Milwaukee's streets really need repair. I feel like the chassy of my car is really messed up now (also the breaks!).
Another successful radio show, this week about Magic. I had fun, although yesterday was basically a 12 hour day for me, all at work. At the very least I got paid a bunch working at Woodman's.
I've had lots of relevant thoughts to blog about, but I'm so tired right now I can't do much but recount my past week-ish. I just need sleep. I promise more thoughts on humanity or words about people other than myself at a later date. G'night.

operating life's syphon

I've been working a lot at the lab. Cherish (the other undergrad) is gone this week, so I'm all by myself. I've listened to a good chunk of my music library there, which is nice. It's nice to have solitude around others, instead of just plain old solitude. I title this entry as such because at the lab I need to work this syphon to wash pipettes, but I can never get the water pressure out of the distilled water tap to get to a speed reasonable enough to not either drain the thing completely or keep cycling through rinsing. The head of the lab (Tom) has explained to me how to work it several times, but poorly, and I just feel frustrated. My goal for tonight is to do some serious research on how a syphon works so as to prepare myself for tomorrow's struggle. I guess I referred to my life as operating a syphon because I feel like people have explained to me so many times how to live my life, what to do, what to say, how to feel about events, people and places, but I feel like I still don't get it either. It should be easy, my life. It's nothing special. I don't lead a hard existence. I have control over everything in my life...for the most part. I just feel empty or something. Like an empty pipette cleaning container.
Anyway, today was the most beautiful day I think I've ever experienced. It was a chilly (I laugh, a mere 75 degrees) and sunny and crisp. Not humid. I loved it. My dad and I were supposed to go to Devil's Lake, but he bailed on account of me getting home from the lab too late (damn the cursed autoclave). So we ended up having a day in Madison together...we shopped for spice racks and argued a lot. Typical. I've been sleeping at my mom's house ever since the incident Sunday night in which I was charged 450 dollars for having some friends in my backyard after 9 o'clock. (Mind you, the first actual social interaction I really engaged in all summer, needless to say, negative points to being a socialite).
I bought another book today on a whim. I feel like I've been overstimulated by constantly watching netflix so my goal is to read more. I love reading. I love reading outside. It's nice because you don't need a cord to read.
On the music front, I guess it would be nice to mention some music that I've really enjoyed listening to at the lab. It's nice background music and some of it I really have gotten into. First and foremost, I've come to the conclusion that LCD Soundsystem might be overrated. I love "Someone Great" but for the most part the rest of the CD is on the good side of mediocre. The band jj is great at the lab, and I've listened to my complete collection of Modest Mouse a couple times because some of it makes me think deeply and some of it makes me want to dance. When Ke$ha's "Your Love is my Drug" comes on, I kinda move my butt funny, which is uplifting. The (500) Days of Summer Soundtrack has become commonly listened to, as well as my ever growing collection of Weezer. I feel like when I look back on this summer, I will remember it as a Weezer summer, which is cool, because I feel like before I liked Weezer, I knew the lyrics, but now I feel like I love them. And I feel the difference between Ratitude and Pinkerton, like, really feel it. I mean, as I'm bopping my head along to Ratitude (don't get me wrong, I still like the CD), I feel sad because he (and by he I refer to Rivers Cuomo) is so clearly not putting himself into those tracks. It feels almost contrived, and I hope that, for his sake, he writes in privacy and gets his feelings out properly. I'd love to hear that music that comes from his actual emotion again, if it still is in existence and being produced. So that's a brief digression into music for you.

reinventing the wheel...to run myself over

I've been having a lot of tumult-y feelings.
I want to reinvent my life, but somewhere inside I know I just won't let it happen.
Let the records show I'm these bad feelings are a churnin', but I feel like they're of a personal nature and could easily hurt one or more person's feelings in my life, thus I will not blog about them. I don't like that I can't share these with anyone. I feel lonely in a bad way.

TiMER

I just watched the movie Timer. I liked it.
Let the records show, I would not, under any circumstances, like to have a timer. The whole idea behind it is the same thing that stresses me out about expiration dated relationships: no one will ever, mark my words, ever, fall in love with someone they are certain they won't end up with (which is a paradox, really, because a different person may very well be the one, but if one party won't give it a chance, it'll never work). It's that [convoluted-ly] simple. I see the advantages, of course, even if one's timer wasn't going to zero out for forty years or something ridiculous like that, just because one would know what to expect. I mean, meaningless sex would be meaningless sex. But what if you find someone you love or could very well fall in love with? Can't that change who your 'one' is? In the movie, those with timers could only be matched with someone else with a timer. Is there only one person out there for you? If you've seen the movie, couldn't Mikey potentially been meant for her? Or at least couldn't they have been perfectly happy together? It's such a fatalist concept.
My theory for if I got a timer:
My countdown would either be blank or forever, in either case I'd be devastated. But why? I'd rather just bumble around and find the one with my instinct rather than some digital readout telling me who to fall for.
So, I recommend seeing the movie, it was quite good and had an outstanding concept that could potentially provide hours and hours of long intense discussion. And instead of walking away from the movie wondering if I will ever find my one, I walked away not caring as much with the firmer mentality of "if it's meant to be, it'll be."
A maxim I should live by more often.

james franco

Dream:
I was at the fanciest hotel, pretty much ever I'd say, and Sarah was there, and they had really good food and it was all inclusive. I spyed James Franco and I'd say we kind of hit it off, and we flirted for a bit. I went to search out his suite, which was gorgeous, and I snooped around a bit. I went back downstairs and spotted him again, and he was giving me the eye, so I beckoned him with one come hither finger. I pretty much asked for his number, he said he couldn't talk on the phone at all because he had a paper due the next day, but he could correspond via email. I found this to be some bullshit. Anyway, it was a real blow because I was really nervous in my dream to ask James Franco for his number. After that, Sarah and I headed over to this area on the other side of the resort where my dad was on this flying apparatus thing...kind of like a hang glider. Anyway, I flew on that and then I woke up.

alright, alright, enough with the self-loathing

I'm in Florida...it's so humid here it's unbelievable. It was a long week last week, I think a lot of it had to do with stress over this week. So far, I'm alright. Today I'm going to be a Bahama Mama! haha
I'm looking forward to relaxing and will be in touch.

doesn't matter what happens

I'll still be here tomorrow. I'll still be breathing next week. I'll still feel the way I do about certain things. Regardless, I've had a really bad week. It's been awful. I've felt alone in a way more serious than any lonely bout I've ever had before. Now, don't get me wrong, I love to be alone physically, not bothered by people or plans or any of that, but I feel more alone than that. Like no one cares. It sounds so immature and emotional, but hey, I write what I want.
It's almost as if I have no one to talk to, to listen to me, to hear me, and to care. It's scary. I give all of myself to my friends and family, to those around me who I really care about, and I feel as if I get only a fraction of that back. It's scary for me because I feel vulnerable and sad and helpless, because I can't make people care about me. I can't be mad at them for not caring either. It's a sticky situation, and all arrows point to it being better to just not care for people and actually lock myself in my room and cut myself off from emotion...but that's so unlike me. I care about my friends. I really do. I love them and want them to be happy, at any expense to me. It's just that honestly, this past few weeks have been horrible for me, and I need someone to return the favor and be there for me. And there's no one around. I feel so empty.

And there I go wearing my heart on my sleeve again. Have mercy.

silly girl

i'm like a peach; i get hurt easily

oh, I know this of myself

i'm in a mood. of course i'm in a mood. i feel lonely, which says something about my situation. i love my solitude, but i've been alone too long. and even when i'm around people i feel alone, so in my head.
anyway. it's june. time flies.
hope all is well.
i guess that's all.

ready, steady, lists!

List of places I would consider living other than Madison:
1. Boston
2. Chicago
3. Washington DC (actually the surrounding areas, particularly the Maryland side)
4. London
5. Berlin
6. San Fransisco
7. Baltimore
8. Providence
9. Portland
10. Probably others, but I can't vouch for them at the moment. In earlier years, Orlando would have been a viable option, but in light of recent summer Floridan experiences, I don't think I could safely handle the humidity.

List of duties I have at my new lab job:
1. Make media (7H10 slants, HMM solution, BHI plates, Various agar, dye, and dilute solutions.
2. Fill pipette tip boxes.
3. Fill dishwasher and hand wash smaller dishes.
4. Empty and autoclave biohazardous waste.
5. Empty pipette basins, unstuff pipettes, wash and rinse pipettes, dry pipettes, stuff pipettes, bake pipettes.
6. Fill alcohol spray.
7. Fill big distilled water jugs.
8. Take out sharp boxes.
9. Autoclave clean dishware (ie test tubes, beakers, bottles, etc)
10. Refill anti-biotic containers in freezer.
(this is not a comprehensive list, but it's a good picture)

List of things I will do this summer (if all goes according to plan):
1. Read more books.
2. Watch more TV.
3. Work alot.
4. Work out alot. (Maybe start yoga?)
5. Cook and bake more.
6. Not be such a hermit...maybe.
7. Clean my rooms/wash my clothes.
8. Throw away stuff.
9. Watch more movies.
10. Go places.

List of things I really enjoy putting on/in my salads:
1. Sweet Butter mix of lettuce
2. Tomatoes
3. Avocados
4. Blackberries
5. Cubed Granny Smith apples
6. Sunflower seeds
7. Dried cranberries
8. Gorgonzola cheese
9. Roasted Almonds
10. Honey French dressing

List of songs that oftentimes feel like the lyrics were written with regard to me:
1. Brothers on a Hotel Bed-Death Cab for Cutie (of late)
2. I'm Only Sleeping-The Beatles (all the time)
3. Come Around-Rhett Miller
4. Welcome to My Life-Simple Plan (emo, I know, but I relate)
5. Breathe-Michelle Branch
6. Why Bother? - Weezer
7. The District Sleeps Alone Tonight- The Postal Service (the song that I relate best to)
8. Tougher Than It Is-Cake
9. Photobooth-Death Cab for Cutie (since I was 13)
10. Friend Like Me-Genie

more to come.

nothing to do

I guess I could categorize the title of this entry as a pun from the band "Something to Do" but nobody knows that band anyway so I continue.
What has happened to me of late, you ask?

Well, on Monday I returned from the Dells, hung out with Sarah. We tried, unsuccessfully, to watch Love Actually. She fell asleep and the disc started skipping around the middle-end of the movie. This was ok because I have seen the end more times than I've seen the beginning anyway.

Tuesday was a big day--I started at my new lab job (!) which was really cool, but overwhelming. I guess it just kind of hit me that I'll actually need to apply knowledge to do this job rather than the kind of low work I'm used to (checking out groceries). After work, Sarah and I went to the Overture Center to see the Lion King (which was amazing, dragged a little toward the middle of act I, but at least they tried to extend it to be longer, eh) and got Sushi/Tempura. It was delish, except that I fear that eating room-temperature raw fish made me quite ill, as I woke up the next morning with a terrible stomach ache.

Wednesday (a very long day)--I woke up with a terrible stomach ache at 4:54, even though I clearly set my alarm for 4:30. It claimed it had gone off, but there was no notification and I certainly didn't hear it (a function of only 3 hours of sleep?). Anyway, I headed to the airport for an especially early flight to Memphis, and then the next one down to Fort Lauderdale. Upon an early arrival, I rushed down to the Tri-Rail and caught the train, which was on time, but the schedule said I would get there exactly 10 minutes later than I actually did (1:28 as opposed to 1:38). Alas. I waited until 2:15 before Jordan (one of Zach's friends) came to pick me up in Zach's car. It was so muggy outside, it was hard to sweat, but I managed. In the car we made weird conversation (not awkward, just weird) and he dropped me off. I walked in the door and sighed because it was cooler, and I turned around to take my stuff upstairs, and screamed, because standing in the doorway was Aaron. I was expecting to be here alone until like 5. It was sweet, but I handled it poorly. Sometimes I wish I could take back how I handle situations and redo them, especially because I had it all worked out how I would handle my reuniting with him (suave and cute, both of which I was not). Anyway. We spent the afternoon and evening together, we had to take care of Blair, his parents' dog. She slept here. And almost bit off my toe. But I don't mind her especially. She's cute.

Which brings us to today:
Today I have nothing to do. Aaron left really early this morning, and I remained asleep until 10:45. I woke and realized that for the first time in perhaps forever (?) I have no responsibilities. The weirdest feeling, it really is. I plan on napping and perhaps reading, I brought running clothes with the intention of going exercising but it's much, much, much too muggy outside. I've never been in Florida in the summer before, so this is truly an experience. It's not even that hot, just muggy. I miss my Madison, though. Aarushi, we should skype :)

summer: day 2

So, Summer vacation is upon us.
A recap:
Thursday Sarah and I moved all my stuff out of my dorm room (a whole school year, already?!) and then proceeded to go back to my house to make some delicious food and watch a couple movies. She slept over and we made breakfast and then she went to work at Ian's. I proceeded to go home and schlep my relatives back to my house, after which they all left and went to the Dells for the weekend. I went out to a party with Sarah Friday night, at which I saw an old flame who I didn't know would be there. I was deceived. Totally not cool. And he didn't get any more attractive.
After that I went back to my house and fell asleep pretty much upon hitting the pillow. A short night. I was awoken by my eleven o'clock pm alarm, which I promptly shut off and went back to sleep. This morning I was greeted harshly by the ring of my alarm to get up to go to Woodman's, a 9-6 shift. 9 hours of pure hell--it was slow and so amazingly boring. It seems as if as long as I'm doing something, the pains are bearable and I can forget about how menial the job is, but if there's nothing around to do and no way to entertain myself, my mind wanders to my own little self pity party.
After work, I went home to pack to go the Wisconsin Dells, which is where I am now, with Shaina (the graduate!!), Jerry, Grandma, Aunt Debbie and my Dad. It's like a circus. I've extracted myself from the situation for the most part, but the occasional run in with dysfunction is enough to leave anyone sad and wishing for normalcy.

So, that's my summer so far in a nutshell...a wash for the past couple days. I hope things look up and I can manage to give myself an attitude adjustment. I wish I wasn't so difficult all the time, but sometimes I feel as though I can't help it.
Also: any thoughts on expiration dates for relationships? In general or with specifics welcome.
Just a topic that I've been thinking about. No need for further discussion if no interest exists.

wenn ich so sagen darf...

Zukunft
habe ich Angst dafür
ich kann nicht glauben
in etwas so unklar
wo bist du?
wann kommst du hier?
warum bist du nicht mit mir
nie im Herz
nie im Kopf
ich brauche dein Beisein
sei mit mir
wie ich mit dir sein will
du fehlst so oft mir
aber wen vermisse ich?
gib mir dein herz
zeig mir wer du bist
deine Kuerze ist nicht
was ich jetzt will
darf ich in dein Herz hineinkommen
oder bleibe ich in Zukunft hier draußen?

strange brew

what a strange week.
i haven't done shit for school.
oh god.
this is frightening.
i'm tired.
i'm going to sleep now, and pretend i was more productive than i was.
i'll wake up at 10 tomorrow, finish german, go downtown, study econ, go to geog review, and study sex. ohhh god.

some choices are just out of reach

i dressed this morning in a t-shirt that had been underused in my closet for quite some time now. i wore it today not because there weren't better, perhaps more flattering choices, but because this is how i felt.
and now i feel dumb blogging about it because my emo mood incidence has increased and i feel whiny.
but anyway, i feel like the guy on the shirt, and it makes me sad. really sad. i'm in a crappy mood.

enough self loathing.
hope all four of you who read this are well. i think i counted everybody.

(side note, what if some creeper came up to me and just whispered in my ear tomorrow, "i'm number 5"?)

my ideal tomorrow vs. my actual tomorrow

Ideal:
Wake up around 10:30, make some tea and have some yogurt for breakfast. Take my time getting out of bed and lounge. Go for a medium length run, take a shower, primp. A lot of primping. Then, it would probably be around 2, so that would be about the time for my boyfriend to pick me up. He picks me up from my house and we drive downtown. Park in the lake street ramp, probably. Or near the union. We go for a walk by the lake, and maybe lay in the little park area near my dorm, next we get Babcock ice cream, and it is so sweet (I know, I'm clever). We head back up to state street and just meander around for a while, look in all the shops and people watch at random intervals...always wanted to do that. Then we get to the capital and eat dinner at either Harvest or the Blue Marlin, maybe Porta Bella if we don't get all the way up to the capital. After dinner he drives me home and kisses me goodnight. I wouldn't get up for class on Monday.

Actual:
Wake up at like 10:30. Eat cereal. Check all my websites. Wash my face, put on my clothes for work, put my hair up. Spend the day at Woodman's, receive a random text message from boyfriend. Leave Woodman's, retrieve computer and stuff from Dad's house. Go to dorm room. Watch Kebab Connection. Go to sleep way too late. Get up and go to class on Monday.

up much too late

tonight i didn't even attempt sleep. all at once i know why i don't allow myself to slip into such periods of unproductivity. tonight i have watched no less than 1/3 of the episodes of season 2 of Arrested Development (which i have fallen deeply in love with), several Julian Casablancas videos on youtube (including a few by the strokes and that one with the boiled goose which upon a second viewing was funnier), listened to a bunch of music, wikipedia-ed for a good half an hour, and rated like 200 movies on netflix. i feel so pop-cultured.
and, as of today, i will begin taking votes for the following:

which of the following tv shows should i invest my time in (choose one):
community
modern family
30 rock

should i begin to rate my music in itunes the way that i rate my movies on netflix?
yes/no

i want to read five books over the summer, might you be able to recommend one? (open answer)

on a scale of 1-5, how unaware of pop culture am i?
1 2 3 4 5

in your opinion, how much of that is due to my laziness, rejection of anything that everyone else is doing, or trying to focus on other things that i find more important but actually may not be? (1 being 20%, 5 being 100%, please be sure all answers add up to 100%)
laziness 1 2 3 4 5
rejection... 1 2 3 4 5
other focus 1 2 3 4 5

fatal flaws

to premise, i flew today.
fatal flaws of becca are as follows, in no order.
i am a bad daughter at many times in my life. i say a 'bad' because i am not a 'daughter' but i treat my parents as my equals, which i realize now more than ever is probably not the best idea. i feel as if they raised me well enough...but then again i feel like i'm a success against my own expectations, i really don't know what my mom wants from me. bad parenting or bad daughtering? with my dad, the situation differs only slightly. i believe he wants me to be his friend, which is good for me sometimes, but again, oftentimes not. a textbook definition dad would've been nice. but i guess not everyone can win, but i don't feel like i lost completely, either.
i want to love and be loved. i am needy in the way that i want only to give. i need to give. i need to feel loved by and be close to those i find important.
i want to understand people, and (although it may sound conceited) feel like i can a lot of the time, which only does so much good because i have serious articulation issues of late. i'm awful.
i live in my head. it's nice in here, and i'm comfortable because all the residents know exactly what i'm thinking and what i mean. this makes life easy.
i project the person i want to be. i want myself to be a certain way or like certain things, but perhaps this is just a projection of what i wish i was, not what i am currently. i want to work to be what i portray.
i lay all my cards out on the table. i very much wear my heart on my sleeve. not an asset in most situations.
i judge people based on fairly short interactions with them. and i oftentimes am too bigheaded to see that i may be wrong about them, so i go with that first impression for entirely too long.

and there you have them. not to say there aren't more, but those are the ones i identified today.

Under the Influence of A Different Sort of Music

Today, while listening to rap songs, I realized how vulgar they are. Which got me on a thought process...
Is love between ghetto-ish type people different from love between pop-rock people? Because pop-rockstars tend to sing about nice thoughts they think about their ladies (better together, etc.), about deep fights they get into (friends don't let friends dial drunk, etc.), nostalgia (photobooth, etc), whereas rap artists tend to focus on how gifted their ladies are in bed (ignition, or name any of many rap songs), the nice things that their ladies do for them (that one song with the whole 'you da fucking best' line by drake, etc. ) in somewhat seductive words, how great their ladies think they are (ego by kanye and beyonce, etc.), how hot the lady is (apple bottom jeans, etc.). Does this say something about the way these relationships are played out? Behavior wise and emotionally? Who should I relate to? Sometimes I relate to one, and sometimes to the other. Hmm...such thoughts.
Also: rap songs are catchy. I'm sorry, but there's not many people who can listen to a rap song and NOT feel like a badass. seriously. I mean, driving down the street blasting anything with a heavy bass beat and it makes you feel incredibly badass. I can think of no other words to describe that. I'm wondering if having sex to the same music makes one feel like that, or just makes one feel dirty. Is that something that women should strive for? (By that, I mean being able to please their men like the ladies in the rap songs so clearly do. Is that unreasonable? Can anyone be THAT good in bed?)
And on a sex related rant:
what is good in bed? Is a person good in bed if they make you feel good? What if you're lying and telling them they whatever they're doing feels good, but in reality they suck? Does that make them bad lovers or does that make you a liar? Because, I'd assume, a guy would change his behavior if you told him the truth regarding his current skill. I think that makes YOU bad in bed. If you're reading this and I am potentially going to sleep with you, please, please, please, tell me the truth. I'll forever be a horrible lover if everyone sugarcoats everything. I know that's a little vulgar/tmi, but hey, I'm under the influence of rap.

what the hell happened to me?

i'm in pieces, baby fix me

shake me 'til you wake me from this bad dream.

too far?
it's so catchy, though!
up again, unable to sleep after a Tazo Calm and two Melatonin. I don't understand you, God. I really don't. I mean, I've been good lately. Really, I have. I treat others as they'd like to be treated. I obey stop signs, but may or may not have cured any diseases. I mail letters with the address of the sender.

Anyway. I need more sleep. It's affecting my brain lately. And my body. Anyway, with my extra hours at night I've assembled a wishlist on Amazon.com. (Gift Ideas, anyone?!) Yeah. Anyway. I might have to buy myself a "congratulations, this week is over" gift on Monday night.

Two song references and a realization that I-really-had-nothing-to-say-in-the-first-place later, I think it's best I get going.

procrastination

will be the death of me. period. no questions asked.
but in the true spirit of the procrastinator, i'll just say, 'i'll die tomorrow'
and that'll just never end.
maybe this is the secret to eternal life.

devine intervention

Listening to Kevin Devine alot lately. Great stuff.
Tried to be productive and study tonight to not such great results.
Waiting for next week to be done with, and the week after that as well.
Wanting something meaningful to write down in these notebooks.
Poetry? Random thoughts?
I already have a diary and a blog.
hmm.
Salad Challenge in beginning phases and it's seriously getting to me. I'm hungry. All the time.
Need subsistence, and with lack of car it's rough.
I should sleep too, but I still have completable homework.
I'm riding high off of the decisions I made today, but still tired.
Tomorrow shouldn't be awful, and this weekend MUST, I repeat, MUST, be productive.
And apparently I'm working at Woodman's on Saturday from 7-10. Money.

Warning:
this is not a directed post. it may or may not have rhyme or reason. these are thoughts that were thought and i needed to get out.
To begin: I'm watching this movie "Das Leben der Andere" crap. boring crap. not my style. I don't want to watch this, and I'm not.
I just got back from Florida yesterday. The drive back was long, we had to stop and rest. It was nice though, I got a lot of quality time with Sarah and hopefully she's not so full of contempt. There were a couple rough patches while we were in Florida. I love her.
Aarushi has been confiding in me with her problems, of which, I am selfishly of little help. I understand that, but I feel like any more stress on my brain might kill it.
I cried four times today. The first time was before class, because I missed Aaron.
The second time was during Environmental Conservation, because my professor announced the exam a week from today, which, much to my chagrin, lands on the same day as my econ exam. the two classes I'm doing the worst in, midterms on the same day. I can't handle it. I just can't. I feel like I'm drowning. Also, I don't particularly care about either of the classes at the moment, especially econ, which I have absolutely NO interest in. Environmental Conservation I at least care about the subject matter, but don't particularly like the teaching methods. Whatever. Good luck to me.
The third time was while I was talking with Aarushi. I felt like a bad friend, and it was tough. Especially because I wanted to talk about my trip to Florida and unload my problems a little, but felt even more selfish because she sounded like she was having somewhat more confusing worse problems. I'm a bad person.
The fourth time I cried was on the phone with Aaron. That's embarrassing, but I think that was a result of all of the above also the fact that I was whining, an activity I've been working to eliminate from my life. And to Aaron nonetheless.

To continue: My dad has a girlfriend. Kate. Haven't met her, but he sure likes to brag about her. I'm happy that he's happy (I think) and I recognize that it's good for him. I still don't know how I feel about it...I feel almost like he's betraying my mother, which is a fact that's not founded in any fact or rational emotion other than the fact that she's lonely, too. Maybe it's normal. I guess 16 years of being single is enough, and more is too much to ask from someone. Again with the cliché.

I guess that is all for now, I have homework I should be attempting to do...I just want to sleep. I feel depressed.