today was a bummer. started as a bummer only because the prospect of spending nine hours in a dingy grocery store always sounds terrible to me. finished a downer of a book during my breaks which made me appreciate how delicate life was (for the first time in the day). it's called The Girl's Guide to Hunting and Fishing and is fiction, not at all about what the title claims. humanity is frail. vague blanket statement.
my bagger was J--. J-- is, and has always been just a really nice guy. he knows my name even though today was the first time we'd ever been a bagger/checker pair, he always says hi and bye to me and asks me how i am. nice fellow, he even bought me a coffee today. a couple hours before our shift ended, he asked if i was going east. i said 'i could be' because i sensed that he might need a ride and i thought that would be a good samaritan thing to do. i had my misgivings, of course, driving a 40-something-year-old man to a sketchy part of town...but he is a genuine man. so i obliged. during the day, he had mentioned his son, a three-year-old, who he unfortunately didn't get to see on Christmas, but i didn't pry, i just listened. on the car ride home, he told me about how sad he was not to see his son, and the heartbreaking story of why.
the child's mom died in the same bed with her son and J-- of a heart attack in the middle of the night. J-- didn't discover his dead wife until morning, the child was taken away and put into foster care. J-- sees his son regularly and sends money and gifts to him. they talk on the phone. i want to know what part of this story i'm missing--why he can't see his son. and how is life so cruel to this man? is it just a really, really unfortunate series of events that led him into this situation? is it neglect to take care of himself? is it the court system? karma? i don't know. i was just shocked and horrified. life is finite, delicate and senseless.
from dropping off J--, i went to my apartment, my home. i went to go pack up my 1.5 years of growth to take it back to my dad's house. to pack it all away, to dust proof it, to sort it, to store it. seeing my empty room was sobering. it was really hard because that apartment is really the first single 'home' i've had since i was two. i've always had two houses, my mom's and my dad's, as i think i've blogged about before. the apartment was different, it was mine, it was singular, it was home. packing it all up was hard. i imagine i probably had the experience that some kids get on their first day of college, or maybe when they move out of the house they grew up in. they get uprooted. for someone who never really 'rooted' in any single dwelling, it was hard. it was impossibly difficult. i had a nice little last sob in my bare-walled room, after seeing all the remnants of courses i'd taken, soured relationships, and goals that fell by the wayside...
the next dose of this depressing philosophical day came in the form of a letter i sent to myself at 15. if i could go back and tell myself to please write something useful i would. i was such a shit! the more i read or learn about myself at 15-16, the more i just wish i would've stopped whining and realized that my life was fantastic. i was an intolerant, little cavetcher who didn't deserve the friends i had. oh, man was i conniving. my hollow letter consisted of how much i couldn't stand two really important people in my life. it babbled about how my boyfriend was a loser. my poor, poor, boyfriend. you know that song by the postal service that so perfectly describes my life? "The District Sleeps Alone Tonight" forever reminds me why that fits so well. i look back on my mistakes and think, of course! if only i wasn't so blind. "i am finally seeing, that i was the one worth leaving" (for the umpteenth time now)
not only did this letter prove to me that relationships are meant for mature, older people, but it showed me my true colors. it showed me that the rose colored glasses i tend to look at my past in are tainted by this ugly, unimpressive ex-self who has somehow contributed to this present self, who is molding future self. a self that demeaned others and could only see the world through her own eyes. but even moreso than that, it showed me how much i have changed for the better. how much more tolerant i am. how much more understanding and what huge lessons i've learned, strides i've made from talking about how stupid someone is or how ugly their clothes are (don't get me wrong, i still do it, but i'd like to think my attitude is more along the lines of, "i love them, faults and all" rather than "you have faults, fix them, you're gross")
anyway, the final blow was dealt by a crappy movie with Shaina. nothing could be more awful than a depressing plotline in a poorly executed film. One Day had potential, it did. Jim Sturgess and Anne Hathaway (with an abhorrent British accent, but we'll look beyond that) 'acted' out the depressing and predictable lives of two lovers on the same day over a span of 20 years. they pulled out all the stops, SPOILER ALERT getting run over by buses, bastard children, cheating spouses, dramatic music...it was a trainwreck. but some ideas stuck out: being made to think about cancer for the second time in a day, cancer of someone close or of yourself. drug/alcohol addiction. death of a romance. death of a relative. marriage of an ex-romance. they all seem terrible, but i seem to get fixated on that last one. no matter how happy you are with someone, (or without, to be fair) couldn't it be true that a little piece of you shutters at the thought of that? shutters to think of the person you loved with someone else...? maybe i'm just the over-analytical jealous type.
well, tomorrow, despite the dreary wisconsin december, will be better. it can only be better.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
icepartment
so i threw out a core of an apple and a banana peel in my apartment a few days ago (read: a week) before i retreated to my house. it is so frigid in my apartment that there is no hint of a sour smell, not even evidence that the nasty fruit was thrown out days ago, nor hours ago. the banana peel is still yellow. our heating system does not work. feeling my fingers at any given moment is a luxury, my toes a long forgotten memory. our oven, which we suspect may be emitting noxious fumes, helps warm our kitchidinilivingroom, but unsurprisingly not over by the window. or the chair. or the table. the couch serves as an interactive ice sculpture that the roommates and i allow guests to rest their weary bones upon. let this post serve as a memory to me of my lovely first apartment back in my college years. let it serve as a reminder of what cheap rent and 'heat included' means. in years to come, let me look back on december 2011 and think, 'wow, am i glad i live here (wherever here is) now.'
on another note, i am moving back to my house this week for the brief month before i ship off to europe and i know i will sorely miss this sad-ass excuse of an apartment and its freezepop-like inhabitants.
on another note, i am moving back to my house this week for the brief month before i ship off to europe and i know i will sorely miss this sad-ass excuse of an apartment and its freezepop-like inhabitants.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Monday, December 12, 2011
2011: the lists
top ten experiences of 2011:
1. Watching the expansive sky/clouds every day in Kenya.
2. Seeing the Old City of Jerusalem in Israel and its vibrant life and cohabitation.
3. Safari! Listening to the Lion King soundtrack crossing the savannah was epic.
4. NFC Championship Game with the family. Soo much fun!!
5. Swimming in the Mediterranean Sea/Snorkeling in the Red Sea/Swimming in the Indian Ocean
6. Dancing at Izzy's Wedding (Izzy and Jessica's wedding. Force of habit.)
7. Getting accepted to Study Abroad in Germany.
8. Walking in to a class and watching a Beyonce music video (every other moment of that class)
9. Hiking up Masada/in the Golan Heights//Hiking up the Ngong Hills (never huffed/puffed/sweated so much in my LIFE)
10. Sitting in the tree at the end of Picnic Point and watching the waves crash up on the shore. There's a whole bunch of new human-stuff there now so I'll never have that back.
best things about 2011:
1. the experiences.
2. my classes this fall. (especially black music and stats!)
3. actually applying to nursing school!
4. learning a lot about myself through travel.
5. living in my apartment. my home. :)
6. being legally allowed to order a drink.
7. my friends and family. being surrounded with people!
8. harry potter world! hell yes
9. the incredible weather
10. CNA classes with Sasha/becoming a CNA/being a CNA
songs that defined 2011 for me:
1. Someone Like You-Adele
2. Ambling Alp-Yeasayer
3. Run the World (Girls)-Beyonce (and I Was Here)
4. Runaway-Kanye West
5. You're Going to Make Me Lonesome When You Go-Bob Dylan
6. Lucifer-Jay-Z
7. Sitting on the Dock of the Bay-Otis Redding
8. Unpretty-TLC
9. My Mirror Speaks-Death Cab for Cutie
10. Ex Factor-Lauryn Hill
11. How Many Lovers-Jhameel
the worst:
1. sarah moving away (and jason, too!)
2. feeling so awful the weekend of izzy's wedding. being surrounded by my regrets.
3. miami during thanksgiving.
4. dating that asshole...and lord is he ever an asshole!
5. that stomach flu I came down with...in Madison, but also when I was in Kenya after the exotic meat when I was missing home so much.
6. my dad's brush with cancer.
7. quitting a job. that was rough and embarrassing. tied with microbiology, the worst class ever.
8. my 21st birthday (after 2am before 2 it almost made the list for the most amazing things). and more specifically the hangover that only ended two days later.
9. my mom's deterioration...i know it's a little harsh to put it on here...and she does have great days, but still).
10. the awkwardness post-Israel when my two friends came with me on my 'spiritual' adventure. i wish things would've gone differently.
goals for next year:
1. Make Germany Count. Speak German whenever possible, be comfortable. See Europe.
2. be kinder. in thoughts, in actions.
3. improve on the romance. don't date losers. get over old flames. don't let the thoughts fester.
4. get into Nursing School (although I don't have much control over that now)
5. Find a TV show that parallels my interest in Mad Men. (Also, find a way to watch Mad Men in Germany without spending too much money)
6. Learn Spanish!
7. lose weight (as always). be overall healthier. stop smoking cigarettes completely. don't drive everywhere.
8. dress better. I should really, really cut out the sweatpants.
foods of the year:
1. nonfat lattes with sugar free vanilla syrup/med cafe tea
2. caribou coffee with rushi
3. bread pudding
4. bananas
5. homemade bakery from the minds and kitchen of connie and me (I?)
6. the "rabbit diet" of my dad and me
7. hazelnut chocolate bars
8. pumpkin pie! (That's an always food)
9. moscoto
10. pineapple curry from curry in a box
the love/hate relationship we have with the apartment:
1. it's freezing. the oven heats it though. in the summer it was unbearably hot.
2. it's dirty and cramped and cold
3. connie made a song about it
4. rushi's never there
5. the ridiculous skipping of class on all three of our parts
6. group outings/procrastination
7. late night chats in the kitchdiningroom
8. the power going out when the space heaters run
9. the S&M couple (wildebeast?) who live(s) next door
10. parking. good and bad. get exercise even though i drive?
top things i wore this year:
1. my yoga pants (depressing that I lost them in Israel)
2. my gap skinny jeans (warm!)
3. as usual, my Wisconsin State Bird shirt
4. braided bracelet and anklet from kids in Kenya
5. that trio of solid faded v-neck t-shirts from the gap
6. my blue polka dotted tank top
7. my brown moccasins
8. my turquoise coat
9. my green capris
top places i frequented this year:
1. the apartment
2. the house (toward the end)
3. airports
4. woodman's
5. the SAC (German Cubby, usually)
6. My mom's apartment
7. espresso royale
8. microbial sciences building
frequently visited websites:
1. gmail
2. facebook
3. twitter
4. wisc.edu
5. blogger
6. beolingus
7. sporcle
8. amazon
9. nytimes
my materialistikah christmakkah list:
1. digital slr camera
2. ipod
3. ipad
4. amazon gift card
5. contact lenses/glasses
6. this bag: http://tinyurl.com/7tjovq8
7. sperry's/nicer boots
8. Camp/4
9. frequent flier miles
read this year:
1. ender's game
2. a heartbreaking work of staggering genius
3. a good man in africa
4. harry potter 3-7 (finally)
5. many rolling stone magazines
6. nytimes.com/twitter feed
7. somebody scream!/our america
8. the help
9. anatomy/physiology/microbio textbooks
10. a whole bunch of 19th century german literature
1. Watching the expansive sky/clouds every day in Kenya.
2. Seeing the Old City of Jerusalem in Israel and its vibrant life and cohabitation.
3. Safari! Listening to the Lion King soundtrack crossing the savannah was epic.
4. NFC Championship Game with the family. Soo much fun!!
5. Swimming in the Mediterranean Sea/Snorkeling in the Red Sea/Swimming in the Indian Ocean
6. Dancing at Izzy's Wedding (Izzy and Jessica's wedding. Force of habit.)
7. Getting accepted to Study Abroad in Germany.
8. Walking in to a class and watching a Beyonce music video (every other moment of that class)
9. Hiking up Masada/in the Golan Heights//Hiking up the Ngong Hills (never huffed/puffed/sweated so much in my LIFE)
10. Sitting in the tree at the end of Picnic Point and watching the waves crash up on the shore. There's a whole bunch of new human-stuff there now so I'll never have that back.
best things about 2011:
1. the experiences.
2. my classes this fall. (especially black music and stats!)
3. actually applying to nursing school!
4. learning a lot about myself through travel.
5. living in my apartment. my home. :)
6. being legally allowed to order a drink.
7. my friends and family. being surrounded with people!
8. harry potter world! hell yes
9. the incredible weather
10. CNA classes with Sasha/becoming a CNA/being a CNA
songs that defined 2011 for me:
1. Someone Like You-Adele
2. Ambling Alp-Yeasayer
3. Run the World (Girls)-Beyonce (and I Was Here)
4. Runaway-Kanye West
5. You're Going to Make Me Lonesome When You Go-Bob Dylan
6. Lucifer-Jay-Z
7. Sitting on the Dock of the Bay-Otis Redding
8. Unpretty-TLC
9. My Mirror Speaks-Death Cab for Cutie
10. Ex Factor-Lauryn Hill
11. How Many Lovers-Jhameel
the worst:
1. sarah moving away (and jason, too!)
2. feeling so awful the weekend of izzy's wedding. being surrounded by my regrets.
3. miami during thanksgiving.
4. dating that asshole...and lord is he ever an asshole!
5. that stomach flu I came down with...in Madison, but also when I was in Kenya after the exotic meat when I was missing home so much.
6. my dad's brush with cancer.
7. quitting a job. that was rough and embarrassing. tied with microbiology, the worst class ever.
8. my 21st birthday (after 2am before 2 it almost made the list for the most amazing things). and more specifically the hangover that only ended two days later.
9. my mom's deterioration...i know it's a little harsh to put it on here...and she does have great days, but still).
10. the awkwardness post-Israel when my two friends came with me on my 'spiritual' adventure. i wish things would've gone differently.
goals for next year:
1. Make Germany Count. Speak German whenever possible, be comfortable. See Europe.
2. be kinder. in thoughts, in actions.
3. improve on the romance. don't date losers. get over old flames. don't let the thoughts fester.
4. get into Nursing School (although I don't have much control over that now)
5. Find a TV show that parallels my interest in Mad Men. (Also, find a way to watch Mad Men in Germany without spending too much money)
6. Learn Spanish!
7. lose weight (as always). be overall healthier. stop smoking cigarettes completely. don't drive everywhere.
8. dress better. I should really, really cut out the sweatpants.
foods of the year:
1. nonfat lattes with sugar free vanilla syrup/med cafe tea
2. caribou coffee with rushi
3. bread pudding
4. bananas
5. homemade bakery from the minds and kitchen of connie and me (I?)
6. the "rabbit diet" of my dad and me
7. hazelnut chocolate bars
8. pumpkin pie! (That's an always food)
9. moscoto
10. pineapple curry from curry in a box
the love/hate relationship we have with the apartment:
1. it's freezing. the oven heats it though. in the summer it was unbearably hot.
2. it's dirty and cramped and cold
3. connie made a song about it
4. rushi's never there
5. the ridiculous skipping of class on all three of our parts
6. group outings/procrastination
7. late night chats in the kitchdiningroom
8. the power going out when the space heaters run
9. the S&M couple (wildebeast?) who live(s) next door
10. parking. good and bad. get exercise even though i drive?
top things i wore this year:
1. my yoga pants (depressing that I lost them in Israel)
2. my gap skinny jeans (warm!)
3. as usual, my Wisconsin State Bird shirt
4. braided bracelet and anklet from kids in Kenya
5. that trio of solid faded v-neck t-shirts from the gap
6. my blue polka dotted tank top
7. my brown moccasins
8. my turquoise coat
9. my green capris
top places i frequented this year:
1. the apartment
2. the house (toward the end)
3. airports
4. woodman's
5. the SAC (German Cubby, usually)
6. My mom's apartment
7. espresso royale
8. microbial sciences building
frequently visited websites:
1. gmail
2. facebook
3. twitter
4. wisc.edu
5. blogger
6. beolingus
7. sporcle
8. amazon
9. nytimes
my materialistikah christmakkah list:
1. digital slr camera
2. ipod
3. ipad
4. amazon gift card
5. contact lenses/glasses
6. this bag: http://tinyurl.com/7tjovq8
7. sperry's/nicer boots
8. Camp/4
9. frequent flier miles
read this year:
1. ender's game
2. a heartbreaking work of staggering genius
3. a good man in africa
4. harry potter 3-7 (finally)
5. many rolling stone magazines
6. nytimes.com/twitter feed
7. somebody scream!/our america
8. the help
9. anatomy/physiology/microbio textbooks
10. a whole bunch of 19th century german literature
Thursday, December 8, 2011
positively charged
well, positives. let's focus on those.
today i passed my liquor licensing test, which i thought was pretty cool. they asked all these weird math questions, like, how many drinks has this person had? based on their physical characteristics and behavior, are they drunk? what would you do if this person staggered drunkenly to you? would you let them drive? things like that. also, where is alcohol processed and absorbed in your body?
it was boring. the class took about three and a half hours and in that time i calculated i make approximately a quarter a minute. not too shabby. that means every four minutes i make a dollar. etc.
black music has been going really well, stats too. I have a quiz tomorrow but don't need to study for it at all because i already have an automatic A (assuming I turn in my project next tuesday).
i quit my lab job yesterday. (no kidding!) it took a lot of courage on my part (or it felt like it did anyway) but i'm happy i did it and still got invited to the holiday party next week. relief.
i feel like i took on so many responsibilities in the past, this semester have systematically unloaded them and as if my life is empty. i don't have many things that urgently need to be remembered. i spend a lot of time watching tv (not procrastinating). it's relaxing but i also feel like a lot of my emotions now-a-days stem from just having too much time on my hands with which to think while i knit and listen to podcasts.
I was thinking about deleting my facebook. It seems almost to me that having a facebook is just as bad as not letting go of the past. You see all these random faces from bygone periods of your life, people who either meant very little to you or you just had cursory interactions with, or people you were close to but don't keep in contact with anyway. Sometimes, it's better to just let a good thing go and not try to prolong the magic. (Think: cutting a TV show after it jumps the shark). And people have gotten so nosy and just know what everybody else is doing! That feels almost like an invasion of privacy, except that we all put our dirty laundry out there for everyone to see anyway.
An anecdotal example: Jerry has no facebook and seems no less connected than the next guy...in fact he's more social despite his having a long term girlfriend and moving cities. props. i realize that like, 70% of my "friends" I will probably never speak to again and beyond that, i have no interest in the people I do see on my newsfeed. Maybe the solution is just not checking it as much, as I will be really removed next semester and don't want to cut all ties from home.
brace yourselves...the next post shall be the year in lists!
Monday, December 5, 2011
depressing frosting on the cupcake of my life
this looks worse than it is. but the dramatic title really spices things up, don't you think?
a list of things i'm not proud of:
-how i cry
-how i get worked up about trivial things
-how i quit my job
-my need for perfection coupled with my tendency to give up
-my tendency to spend money
-always looking for something meaningful to say when the best thing would just be silence
-my reclusiveness
-how i procrastinate to the point of misery
-the overthinking
-the bad habits and inability to change them
-my tendency to live in the past
-negative thoughts about others
-my body
-the way i think about romance
-a couple of romantic encounters
-feeling worthless for stupid reasons
-being whiny
-not focusing on good things (there are so many!)
-how i look in jeans
-my inability to think abstractly
-how i handle my parents
-my inability to articulate well (writing or speaking)
-my inferiority complex
-being an over-privileged white american with no real problems, but yet still finding a reason to be unhappy sometimes
this should end now. hope it's just the weather
a list of things i'm not proud of:
-how i cry
-how i get worked up about trivial things
-how i quit my job
-my need for perfection coupled with my tendency to give up
-my tendency to spend money
-always looking for something meaningful to say when the best thing would just be silence
-my reclusiveness
-how i procrastinate to the point of misery
-the overthinking
-the bad habits and inability to change them
-my tendency to live in the past
-negative thoughts about others
-my body
-the way i think about romance
-a couple of romantic encounters
-feeling worthless for stupid reasons
-being whiny
-not focusing on good things (there are so many!)
-how i look in jeans
-my inability to think abstractly
-how i handle my parents
-my inability to articulate well (writing or speaking)
-my inferiority complex
-being an over-privileged white american with no real problems, but yet still finding a reason to be unhappy sometimes
this should end now. hope it's just the weather
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