It's the last day of November today, but you knew that already. The weather here has been tolerable, considering. It's gotten to that point where the leaves are all dead and too crunchy to jump in, I can't wear anything on my feet without thick socks or fur, and I should be looking forward to a warm, pleasant winter break. Not so this year. I feel a little empty heading into December not having any winter break plans, save for going to colder/drearier places to visit friends before I go to Europe. The caribbean seems so nice. Island music, relaxing on the beach...massages on the beach...!
That's such an overprivileged, disgusting comment.
I've done something really crappy. I've gone AWOL at my lab job. I haven't gone there in weeks, but I just can't bring myself to go or to quit. I feel like I'm in limbo. I never quit jobs. I always let circumstances determine when I have to leave, which is what I was planning on doing when the time came for me to study abroad, but I just can't handle it anymore. The time I used to be in lab I use so much better when I'm not in lab. It's the only social time of my day, I see friends, get coffee. Today I even finished a stats project that's not due for two weeks. So what to do? E-mail and say thanks but no thanks? Just never show my face again? Go there with my tail between my legs and talk to my boss? Procrastinate?
I got an iPad today at the library, checked out for three days. One could say we've gotten close, his name is Fez. I'm buying one for my mom for Christmas, she deserves something nice (and yet...somehow the gifts I give her usually backfire) as well as internet access so she can skype me while I'm away. I figure a tablet will give her less of an opportunity to screw it up (as she has with two other computers) and the limited capabilities won't be so confusing. Hopefully we'll get started on lessons a few weeks before departure so she learns the ins and outs of the beast.
This last bit is for my own personal use...but friends are invited (indeed encouraged) to come with me to any of them!!
General Travel Goals as of 12/1/2011 when I return from Europe (ordered)
1. Nepal/India
2. Peru
3. Japan
4. Thailand
5. China
6. North Africa (Egypt and Morocco. Maybe Tunisia)
7. Pacific Islands
8. Australia
9. Iceland/Northern Europe
10. Bolivia/Chile/Ecuador/Guatemala (after I learn Spanish)
And then, once I get to them all, go back and rediscover in more depth. And find new places.
That is all.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Saturday, November 26, 2011
anecdotes on a saturday
worked in the liquor store today. there are people here who drink a pint of liquor a day, regulars at the liquor store. i felt sad for them. also astounded at how foul their language is at times.
rum-chata looks good, too bad they sell out so quick.
i hope my son grows up to play professional football.
no one has contacted me for 24 hours. that includes parents (a blessing? my mom is 7 texts down from her daily average), co-workers, friends and other miscellaneous family members. no e-mails from junk corporations, no special offers, no facebook wall posts, messages, etc. it occurred to me that perhaps my phone was broken but i thought the better of it. it's fully functional.
spent the day baking pies snd making dinner, wore my hair like a girl from the 40's. felt good.
ate too much, bad habit, good pies.
tomorrow is stress-giving 2011...my mom's thanksgiving feast. i'm bringing the booze.
airplane rides make me ornery.
jurassic park is a horror story (?!!)
seeing movies alone is nice. jason segal is the best.
wish i had a boy to take to the packers game should i win the drawing i entered. can't bring my dad cause he works. feel like it's almost wasting the tickets to bring another girl who knows probably less than me about the damn sport, but i guess that's what's going to happen. shouldn't count my chickens before they hatch anyway.
frasier is the new 30 rock.
i want to end facebook. and twitter. and gchat.
as i was cleaning my room today, i used the phrase 'de-baruching'; it was a pretty accurate portrayal of what was happening.
computer screen looks dirtier in the light. solutions? a) clean it. b) keep it as dark as possible in mycave bedroom.
dusty.
rum-chata looks good, too bad they sell out so quick.
i hope my son grows up to play professional football.
no one has contacted me for 24 hours. that includes parents (a blessing? my mom is 7 texts down from her daily average), co-workers, friends and other miscellaneous family members. no e-mails from junk corporations, no special offers, no facebook wall posts, messages, etc. it occurred to me that perhaps my phone was broken but i thought the better of it. it's fully functional.
spent the day baking pies snd making dinner, wore my hair like a girl from the 40's. felt good.
ate too much, bad habit, good pies.
tomorrow is stress-giving 2011...my mom's thanksgiving feast. i'm bringing the booze.
airplane rides make me ornery.
jurassic park is a horror story (?!!)
seeing movies alone is nice. jason segal is the best.
wish i had a boy to take to the packers game should i win the drawing i entered. can't bring my dad cause he works. feel like it's almost wasting the tickets to bring another girl who knows probably less than me about the damn sport, but i guess that's what's going to happen. shouldn't count my chickens before they hatch anyway.
frasier is the new 30 rock.
i want to end facebook. and twitter. and gchat.
as i was cleaning my room today, i used the phrase 'de-baruching'; it was a pretty accurate portrayal of what was happening.
computer screen looks dirtier in the light. solutions? a) clean it. b) keep it as dark as possible in my
dusty.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
orlandon't ever want to leave
After the emotional shittiness that became Sunday night, I urged my dad on Monday morning to please, please take us to Disney World. Success! Disney World is like a miracle drug...it cures all of my emotional ailments, it gives me hope that there will be better days and that, as cliche, commericial, overused and obnoxious it may seem, dreams do come true. I came out of Tuesday at Disney World feeling less worthless and less down on myself, whether it was because I was distracted for the day or because it genuinely gave me a renewed outlook on things, that's what it was.
I guess the sore spot was the aftermath. At the time, I love seeing all the happy babies and good parents with their kids, smiling and enjoying the day. Because I love people watching so much, nothing makes me happier than people watching in the places that make people the happiest. Some kids...I swear I'll never see a happier kid. And I love that moment when parents ask their kids a stupid question, the kid gives them a cute answer and the joy just radiates out from the parent's face. I love that moment.
Looking back on it though, it's a tinged with a bit of sadness...feeling like those parents will never be me. I always get this panic...that those parents will never be me because I want it so badly. I wonder if any of those parents thought about it at all...or if it just came to them, like it's supposed to. And then I feel bad for being so envious because that's one of those complex perfidious emotions that seems like it's not so bad, but in reality, it's one of the worst feelings you can have towards yourself and towards others. I hate that emotion.
So anyway, today was another great day. I've been waiting since I was 11 to go to Hogwarts, so the 45 minute line this afternoon seemed like it passed in the blink of an eye. They did it so well. There was Zonko's and Honeydukes and Olivanders, The Three Broomsticks, the Hogs Head, Flourish and Blotts...there were shops that I'd forgotten about (and have forgotten again, but at the time I was like, No bloody way!!) and the best part about it all was that the houses weren't parallel or completely level, they were just like they had been described in the books...tilting as if held together by magic. All the doors opened with real doorknobs, none of that automatic crap! And Hogwarts...oy vey I tell you, I swear when I walked into the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom Lupin could've strode up beside me and I would've been like, 'oh hey Remus!'
And the Butterbeer was everything I'd hoped for and more.
So, now, sitting back here in South Florida, I return to my not-so-happy mood. When I get like this it's best just to get my mind off of it...my dad and I made Thanksgiving dinner tonight so we would have time to eat all the leftovers before going home. He's getting more like my grandma all the time...it's almost frightening. I hate seeing my dad's humanity, he's supposed to be a superhero.
I guess the sore spot was the aftermath. At the time, I love seeing all the happy babies and good parents with their kids, smiling and enjoying the day. Because I love people watching so much, nothing makes me happier than people watching in the places that make people the happiest. Some kids...I swear I'll never see a happier kid. And I love that moment when parents ask their kids a stupid question, the kid gives them a cute answer and the joy just radiates out from the parent's face. I love that moment.
Looking back on it though, it's a tinged with a bit of sadness...feeling like those parents will never be me. I always get this panic...that those parents will never be me because I want it so badly. I wonder if any of those parents thought about it at all...or if it just came to them, like it's supposed to. And then I feel bad for being so envious because that's one of those complex perfidious emotions that seems like it's not so bad, but in reality, it's one of the worst feelings you can have towards yourself and towards others. I hate that emotion.
So anyway, today was another great day. I've been waiting since I was 11 to go to Hogwarts, so the 45 minute line this afternoon seemed like it passed in the blink of an eye. They did it so well. There was Zonko's and Honeydukes and Olivanders, The Three Broomsticks, the Hogs Head, Flourish and Blotts...there were shops that I'd forgotten about (and have forgotten again, but at the time I was like, No bloody way!!) and the best part about it all was that the houses weren't parallel or completely level, they were just like they had been described in the books...tilting as if held together by magic. All the doors opened with real doorknobs, none of that automatic crap! And Hogwarts...oy vey I tell you, I swear when I walked into the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom Lupin could've strode up beside me and I would've been like, 'oh hey Remus!'
And the Butterbeer was everything I'd hoped for and more.
So, now, sitting back here in South Florida, I return to my not-so-happy mood. When I get like this it's best just to get my mind off of it...my dad and I made Thanksgiving dinner tonight so we would have time to eat all the leftovers before going home. He's getting more like my grandma all the time...it's almost frightening. I hate seeing my dad's humanity, he's supposed to be a superhero.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
intent or result
Result: I feel really awful right now. I feel frustrated, annoyed, regretful, stupid, used, rude and just downright bad about myself. Every question I ask has an obvious answer, every time I speak I'm babbling, every idea I have is lame. What I want to do isn't good enough. When I just appease I'm annoying and complacent. The things I'm proud of are just alright. Every opinion I have is wrong. Every time I express issue with how I perceive how I'm being treated I feel like beleaguering oversensitive girl.
Intent: Definitely (hopefully) not that.
Who's to blame?
I'm a good person. I'm a caring person. I'm intelligent, I'm helpful, I'm interested. I don't want to put anyone out. But somehow, I seem to induce the same problems I'm trying to avoid. I should know better.
Anyway: on to a few days in Florida. I can relax after I finish this paper, go to the pool, read for pleasure, get a grip. Get some rest.
Intent: Definitely (hopefully) not that.
Who's to blame?
I'm a good person. I'm a caring person. I'm intelligent, I'm helpful, I'm interested. I don't want to put anyone out. But somehow, I seem to induce the same problems I'm trying to avoid. I should know better.
Anyway: on to a few days in Florida. I can relax after I finish this paper, go to the pool, read for pleasure, get a grip. Get some rest.
Monday, November 14, 2011
mid-November
November is one of those depressing months...like March. Ever since my recovery, I have been taking very poor care of my body...(living hedonistically). I don't know if I blogged about this before, but if not, I'm covering my bases. I am a firm believer that my body is really only a vessel for my brain to be carried around in. That's all I really wanted to say about that.
I went back to the apartment for the first time in a week or so today. It was freezing, the hallway smelled like burnt vagina, but the apartment itself felt home-y enough. Found out I'm not moving back to the house officially until January, takes some stress off before finals, I suppose. (are they really only a few weeks away already?) My crystal ball says I'll probably be living mostly from home very shortly, as the food is free, the bed is warm and filled with cats and the internet is faster. And there's no blaring music every single night, gotta love the 'burbs.
Campus takes on this seriousness this time of year. Kids get real right around now...start remembering that school is extant and has serious consequences for your future. My classes are hard and I'm just not ready to work that hard, so I guess I don't feel so much a part of that as I have in the past.
For a long time I whole heartedly believed I was going to Colorado next week for Thanksgiving, but I am not. I am going to Fort Lauderdale (THANK GOD) because it's warm down there. Florida is like my second home anyway, I really should just suck it up and move there for my last two years of college. That was one of my college-age goals (albeit it was working for Disney, but that's just not going to happen). But I could theoretically purchase a Florida resident annual pass which would be just as good (if not better) in my books. Then the magic wouldn't be ruined. Who knows, but I'm seriously considering it, as I hate the winter and the cold and the ice and the snow and the miserable gray skies that only allow the sun to peek out for 20 minutes every day (and it's still in the 50's here...bad sign for the coming months).
Anyway, stress will ensue for the next few days, I wrote one paper today (only 3 pages) have another due on Friday (only 3 pages) and one due next Tuesday which I should finish promptly. I have a stats project and a quiz on Thursday...and then it's off to the homeland.
I went back to the apartment for the first time in a week or so today. It was freezing, the hallway smelled like burnt vagina, but the apartment itself felt home-y enough. Found out I'm not moving back to the house officially until January, takes some stress off before finals, I suppose. (are they really only a few weeks away already?) My crystal ball says I'll probably be living mostly from home very shortly, as the food is free, the bed is warm and filled with cats and the internet is faster. And there's no blaring music every single night, gotta love the 'burbs.
Campus takes on this seriousness this time of year. Kids get real right around now...start remembering that school is extant and has serious consequences for your future. My classes are hard and I'm just not ready to work that hard, so I guess I don't feel so much a part of that as I have in the past.
For a long time I whole heartedly believed I was going to Colorado next week for Thanksgiving, but I am not. I am going to Fort Lauderdale (THANK GOD) because it's warm down there. Florida is like my second home anyway, I really should just suck it up and move there for my last two years of college. That was one of my college-age goals (albeit it was working for Disney, but that's just not going to happen). But I could theoretically purchase a Florida resident annual pass which would be just as good (if not better) in my books. Then the magic wouldn't be ruined. Who knows, but I'm seriously considering it, as I hate the winter and the cold and the ice and the snow and the miserable gray skies that only allow the sun to peek out for 20 minutes every day (and it's still in the 50's here...bad sign for the coming months).
Anyway, stress will ensue for the next few days, I wrote one paper today (only 3 pages) have another due on Friday (only 3 pages) and one due next Tuesday which I should finish promptly. I have a stats project and a quiz on Thursday...and then it's off to the homeland.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
shoo flu, don't bother me
This has been the worst. I have missed two days of class because I am too ill to get out of bed, which just makes me feel fat and lazy, but honestly, I'm honestly just too sick. I've never had an IV before though, so that was interesting. It was weird to feel hydrated-er but not actually be drinking any water, and also it hurts WAY less than getting a shot. Also the first time for me to have blood drawn (which randomly hurt way less than actually donating blood...is that because when you donate blood they use an artery or is that just because whoever pricked me when I donated blood sucked?) Moving on, I'd like to introduce you all to Geraldo, the giant now occupying my thorax that randomly decides to wail in embarrassing situations. I should just stay away from food for a few days.
Otherwise, life has been stressful in the worst ways. Applying for schools is one of those things that shouldn't be stressful but is when you parfait it on top of all the other yogurt-y responsibilities you're given. I'm always second guessing and reorganizing and questioning my priorities, which is something I regularly try to figure out but then the cycle starts all over again and deeper into my morass I fade. I feel like it's one of those situations where I'm going to end up going to UW no matter how many other schools I apply to so I might as well just face the music and stop applying to all the other schools because it doesn't matter anyway.
Speaking of facing the music, I missed the Michael Jackson lecture for my black music class today. shitty. (no pun intended. well, kind of a pun intended). I've been listening to Ra Ra Riot which I enjoy a lot and have discovered Young, Wild and Free by Snoop Dogg and some other random rappers which I enjoy way more than I should. Run DMC is also fairly infectious (like my virus!) as is Beyonce, as always. I've been heavy on the hip-hop lately, a result of this class perhaps? More likely it's escapism, it's nice to forget about those things I think about too much for four minutes of my day.
I've been feeling lonely, too. I've had a bunch of situations where I really urgently wanted to call and talk to someone but felt that no one was really there to listen. I miss that, I do. I just wish I had someone I could talk shit out to without feeling like an idiot.
Otherwise, life has been stressful in the worst ways. Applying for schools is one of those things that shouldn't be stressful but is when you parfait it on top of all the other yogurt-y responsibilities you're given. I'm always second guessing and reorganizing and questioning my priorities, which is something I regularly try to figure out but then the cycle starts all over again and deeper into my morass I fade. I feel like it's one of those situations where I'm going to end up going to UW no matter how many other schools I apply to so I might as well just face the music and stop applying to all the other schools because it doesn't matter anyway.
Speaking of facing the music, I missed the Michael Jackson lecture for my black music class today. shitty. (no pun intended. well, kind of a pun intended). I've been listening to Ra Ra Riot which I enjoy a lot and have discovered Young, Wild and Free by Snoop Dogg and some other random rappers which I enjoy way more than I should. Run DMC is also fairly infectious (like my virus!) as is Beyonce, as always. I've been heavy on the hip-hop lately, a result of this class perhaps? More likely it's escapism, it's nice to forget about those things I think about too much for four minutes of my day.
I've been feeling lonely, too. I've had a bunch of situations where I really urgently wanted to call and talk to someone but felt that no one was really there to listen. I miss that, I do. I just wish I had someone I could talk shit out to without feeling like an idiot.
Friday, November 4, 2011
when good's not good enough
today was one of those days. those days when you feel like nothing, absolutely nothing, i do isn't good enough. i studied FOREVER for my anatomy exam. (well, not forever because that means the time spent studying should be infinite and it wasn't) (also, there should be a function on a keyboard where you highlight a sentence and it puts it in parenthesis. or quotes. i should be rich) anyway, so i studied a lot for this exam, and i learned SO much! i'm so impressed with how much better i know the human body now, and not just superficially-i'll-forget-it-tomorrow kind of stuff, but i actually learned and taught myself and took time. (which I do feel good about, don't get me wrong) but it just wasn't good enough. merely mediocre.
then there was my german exam. i even read all the material and studied and i finished early, which made me feel like i missed the point. i felt like a big crappy pants (yes, a big crappy pants) and like i'm really going to struggle next year in Germany because I can't think of the word for "priest" right off the top of my head. Das Wort ist Pfarrer, wenn sie wollten.
I am mediocre in other ways too. I'm just not good enough. I have little self control. I can't help doing things that I know I shouldn't do at times I shouldn't do them; reading a book that's not for school, munching on Scott's delicious bakery items left out on my table, procrastinating, buying that thing that's high in convenience but expensive, or ordering something at a restaurant that I know I'll finish and regret. I'm bad at getting myself out of mental holes I dig myself, like this one, where I honestly believe that I'll never be good enough for what I want to do. That I'll never be good enough for anybody else.
And then, driving to what turned out to be a really shit-tastic drunken (on her part) time with my mom, I was listening to Jay-Z, and I was thinking: had I come from a situation in which I was not destined to lead a life of mediocrity things would be different. Had I come from Jay-Z's world, I would be lauded for getting Bs in anatomy and German, for even being able to come to UW at all. If I had been born into destitution, I would be fucking stellar. But I wasn't. So I'm luke-warm mediocre at everything I do, at best.
And being mediocre is worse than being horrible, in my opinion, right now. take it with a grain of salt.
self deprecation for the win!
Also, new facts from my favorite class: Kanye West's mother had a Ph.D. Producers pay for the beats in songs, that's how rappers really make money. You can also tell who produced a song based on the style of the song (Kanye West productions tend to sample a lot of older music, Eminem's beats are hard and driven, etc.) Hip-Hop music came from Jamaica. Run DMC was a babe and is now a pastor. Flavor Flav was actually super legit back in his prime. Beyonce may or may not actually write her own songs, but she gets credit for it because she pays for the writers and the studio. Before sampling songs was a big thing, there was no law against it, so lots of artists just got sampled without getting paid.
then there was my german exam. i even read all the material and studied and i finished early, which made me feel like i missed the point. i felt like a big crappy pants (yes, a big crappy pants) and like i'm really going to struggle next year in Germany because I can't think of the word for "priest" right off the top of my head. Das Wort ist Pfarrer, wenn sie wollten.
I am mediocre in other ways too. I'm just not good enough. I have little self control. I can't help doing things that I know I shouldn't do at times I shouldn't do them; reading a book that's not for school, munching on Scott's delicious bakery items left out on my table, procrastinating, buying that thing that's high in convenience but expensive, or ordering something at a restaurant that I know I'll finish and regret. I'm bad at getting myself out of mental holes I dig myself, like this one, where I honestly believe that I'll never be good enough for what I want to do. That I'll never be good enough for anybody else.
And then, driving to what turned out to be a really shit-tastic drunken (on her part) time with my mom, I was listening to Jay-Z, and I was thinking: had I come from a situation in which I was not destined to lead a life of mediocrity things would be different. Had I come from Jay-Z's world, I would be lauded for getting Bs in anatomy and German, for even being able to come to UW at all. If I had been born into destitution, I would be fucking stellar. But I wasn't. So I'm luke-warm mediocre at everything I do, at best.
And being mediocre is worse than being horrible, in my opinion, right now. take it with a grain of salt.
self deprecation for the win!
Also, new facts from my favorite class: Kanye West's mother had a Ph.D. Producers pay for the beats in songs, that's how rappers really make money. You can also tell who produced a song based on the style of the song (Kanye West productions tend to sample a lot of older music, Eminem's beats are hard and driven, etc.) Hip-Hop music came from Jamaica. Run DMC was a babe and is now a pastor. Flavor Flav was actually super legit back in his prime. Beyonce may or may not actually write her own songs, but she gets credit for it because she pays for the writers and the studio. Before sampling songs was a big thing, there was no law against it, so lots of artists just got sampled without getting paid.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
dreaming of carnivals
today in stats lecture i fell asleep in the front row. i jolted up for the last 15 minutes of class and my friend who sits next to me was laughing. i inquired as to why, to which she replied that the professor asked 'who here has ever been to a carnival?' and i, asleep, raised my hand. i was the only one in the whole class.
the horror!
Happy November Everyone!!
the horror!
Happy November Everyone!!
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