march on til spring

This winter is just so long and horrible. I haven't been any where warm for a while (first world problems, right?) and I've been working and going to school. It's actually refreshing, after a whole semester of only going to school without employment. I enjoy the busy-ness.

I'm teaching German to little children, and it is AMAZING. I always go there after a long day though, unfortunately, so that's kind of a bummer. And rather than taking a German class I'm filling that hole by teaching and working at the Essen Haus. Love the dirndl.

I feel like I want to blog this crazy time in my life after I've made this insane decision to flee the country. I hear people around me talking about their life prospects and how much money they'll make right out of school and I'm choosing the European bohemian life over all things material (including paying off my college debt). It's such a me decision, I feel like I'm making the right one. I have so many ideas and open roads to follow, so when I think long and hard about it I am 100% sure I'm making the absolute right choice. It's just when I hear everyone else talk about their life plans when doubts crawl into my mind. It's like jumping off a cliff when no one else is. About not following people on the straight and narrow.

March is my least favorite month. It drags on forever. It's cold. There's snow. Spring still seems distant. The only holidays suck (St. Patrick's day? That's pretty weak, let's be honest). And to boot I feel like I'm coming down with a cold.

I wish I had some deep and profound observation about the world around me, but today I guess I don't. How many of those can one person have anyway? Can everyone's conversations be riddled with depth and ponderences about the complexity of life? Sometimes things are just mundane and we need to accept that. 

scott pilgrim, asparagus, and physiology

Last night I went to Jason's apartment and we watched Scott Pilgrim which I think made us both feel less mopey. That was nice, and I love that movie. My goodness I love that movie.

I woke up this morning at the crack of dawn to my next door neighbors skyping with someone in China. And I swear they were yelling at the top of their lungs.

Directly following I made asparagus frittata, which was tasty but didn't turn out as well as last time. Cheesy, eggy and asparagussy...can't really go wrong there.

After that I took my physiology pre-lab quiz. I have a 100% in physiology at this time, which is nice but kind of depressing seeing as we have only had 2.5 points in the gradebook. Better than nothing.

Today I'm hoping to be somewhat social. After a nap and some reading.

Things that I really enjoy consuming (in no particular order and consumed already today):

Asparagus, figs, cheese, cornbread, hot cocoa...

idle hands are the devil's playthings

Words of wisdom from Chaucer.

Tomorrow, we have no school. Last semester, I would've killed for that but this semester I feel like I'll just waste away the day with not much to do. On the bright side, I will get to sleep in, I think I'll probably end up going to the lab and also probably to volunteer at St. Mary's anyway. If they'll have me.

What I mean by the title quote is that I feel so empty lately, as if I don't have anything to occupy my positive spirits and time, so I end up feeling pretty down in the dumps. Like, today, as I was making dinner for myself (chili and cornbread) and listening to Death Cab for Cutie (renew my love for them on a regular basis) I just got to feeling really...down. I kept thinking all of these negative thoughts that I shouldn't really have been, which is a dangerous road to go down. I've seen one too many people head down it and get lost.

I could go over and hang out with Sasha, Hannah, Janet and Alex, but it's so cold outside and blizzardy. I would like to hang out with them though, kinda wish (for once and only) that I lived in Adams still. I'll probably just end up working on my CNA stuff (which started tonight) and watching TV/movies. (Exit Through the Gift Shop is streaming on hulu?)

I think I am thin skinned. I really take things personally, and I end up getting hurt a lot. For instance, I feel like a lot of people enjoy my company because I am that person that is there when others aren't. Like, everyone has friends outside of me, but when there's nothing else to do, I'm the one to call because everyone knows I'll be there. That's what I get, I guess, for always being there. I just I would be the first person someone calls more often...

der erste Schnee und der erste Dezember

It was pretty, I'll give it that. The cold was biting, but when the wind subsided the sight was worth the glance upward. The snow falling is nice, for now. Next week, I'm sure, my insights will change. Alas.

A rough patch this week. Was expecting more productivity tonight but because of serious circumstances beyond my control have gotten little to no homework done.

Less than three weeks until I can resume breathing. Less than three weeks until I can deal with my non-scholastic life. Less than three weeks until I can relax.

and damn death cab, i missed you.

midnight:
i walked out with my ipod in my hand, frantically searching for a song to fit my mood...and i returned to my old flame, death cab for cutie. oh, how i forgot that feeling.
anyway, as i looked up from my ipod and it's shuffle decision, i saw the most incredible sight yet this year. it was beginning to snow. and it was so beautiful, i really can't do it justice with just words. the sky was lit up with the light pollution that those of us who spend a lot of time downtown have come to love so much; the white specks dancing down to meet my hair. absolutely incredible. the experience itself was enhanced by the instrumental at the beginning of brothers on a hotel bed--it gives me goosebumps and calms me down all at the same time.

in the moment, i didn't think about anything remarkable, but i realized that everyone in the world can experience this...you don't have to educated, smart, funny, witty, hot, cute, friendly, annoying, social, pleasant, cultured, or anything that i've been struggling to be or not to be. you just have to pay attention. and i realized that i haven't been paying attention to anything except what goes on in my little snowglobe.

and i was stunned into mental silence.

discouragement

As the semester comes to a close, I feel as if I learned a lot about myself since the beginning. I realized I'm not the smartest date in the fruit bowl, I have will power, I need friends, and I love Madison. I really love Madison. And I love those friends I do have.
Today I became highly discouraged with my progress in school so far. I got a mediocre grade on my paper, worth a fair amount of my grade (25%) and on the last test my grade was only fair. I have hope, I guess, 50% more to make up but I foresee it being pretty challenging. My econ mid-term grade comes back tomorrow, which should make me feel better (I hope, the advisory curve is set as an 84% overall is an A). I know no one wants to hear about this, but I figure blogging about it is more effective instead of bitching at everyone I know. Not effective at all.
Another part of me that I think has matured is my attitude toward dependence on boys. I don't really feel like I need one, (for the ABSOLUTE first time in a LONGGG time). It's great. Really. I don't truly feel the need to impress anyone but myself, and I dress up because I like it, not to attract somebody that probably won't look anyway. The only thing I want is to be a mom, and there are so many possibilities out there that I've begun not to worry about it so much. I just want a daughter, so much. The husband, meh. If worst comes to worst I can handle it myself.

I'm going on cruise on the first of the year with my dear cousin, Shaina. I'm quite excited, I think it'll be a blast. I'm also excited for the warmth, because today it snowed. It was pretty and kind of mystical, but the rest of the year is yet to come. I know by February I'll be singing a different tune. But I did get the chance to use my fluffy white mittens and white scarf, I thought I looked classy.

I guess the biggest new development in my life is my decision to go to Germany. The application is in, I'm going. I'm going. I can't believe it. And it's made me realize how much I love it here. I really do, there's no place I would want to grow old more. I want to travel and live my life, yes, perhaps spend some significant time away, but this is my home, and it will always be. I'm such a badger. :)

Time for me to go I guess, the hustle of Rheta's isn't exactly the most picturesque place to be writing reflective blogs...but it'll do.