march on til spring

This winter is just so long and horrible. I haven't been any where warm for a while (first world problems, right?) and I've been working and going to school. It's actually refreshing, after a whole semester of only going to school without employment. I enjoy the busy-ness.

I'm teaching German to little children, and it is AMAZING. I always go there after a long day though, unfortunately, so that's kind of a bummer. And rather than taking a German class I'm filling that hole by teaching and working at the Essen Haus. Love the dirndl.

I feel like I want to blog this crazy time in my life after I've made this insane decision to flee the country. I hear people around me talking about their life prospects and how much money they'll make right out of school and I'm choosing the European bohemian life over all things material (including paying off my college debt). It's such a me decision, I feel like I'm making the right one. I have so many ideas and open roads to follow, so when I think long and hard about it I am 100% sure I'm making the absolute right choice. It's just when I hear everyone else talk about their life plans when doubts crawl into my mind. It's like jumping off a cliff when no one else is. About not following people on the straight and narrow.

March is my least favorite month. It drags on forever. It's cold. There's snow. Spring still seems distant. The only holidays suck (St. Patrick's day? That's pretty weak, let's be honest). And to boot I feel like I'm coming down with a cold.

I wish I had some deep and profound observation about the world around me, but today I guess I don't. How many of those can one person have anyway? Can everyone's conversations be riddled with depth and ponderences about the complexity of life? Sometimes things are just mundane and we need to accept that. 

back to school

and so my hectic real life begins. luckily I only have class two days this week (by some miracle) but still I can feel the pressure. I've been weirdly upset all the time. Little things get to me, I feel like I'm missing a huge part of my life that has been Germany. And trying not to talk about it all the time is a huge challenge.

I've been at a weird position in my social life since I've gotten home. Been hanging out a lot with the two new guys from Freiburg here in Madison...they're nice. It's so interesting to show them around to all of the Madison things, to be a 'Bonn-Buddy' in reverse. It's such a great opportunity to learn (and re-learn) things about Madison and Southern Wisconsin that I've just taken for granted since I was a kid. They're also really helpful with my German and me not forgetting it completely.

There's just so much going on and so many errands that I have to run right now that it's hard for me to concentrate on writing (or really any one thing at the moment) so I'm going to have to make this post short and sweet (or quick and dirty, depending on how you view the situation). I'd just like to take this last bit to make a shameless self promotional plug for my radio shows:

Ponyhof, my new music program, will be broadcast on 91.7FM Madison as well as streamed live online here every Monday (Starting the 10th of September) from 2:00pm-3:00pm CST.

Who Shot the Serif? making a return for it's 4th (?) season will be airing every Wednesday evening from 9:00pm until 10:00pm on the same channel. You can also listen to our old episodes and get 'insider info' by liking our page on facebook.

Ciao!

zuhause

There are so many emotions and whatnot that I'd like to write here, but since I've been pretty lazy on updating my blog since being home, I'll stick to the basics.

Leaving Germany was pretty horrific. It was heartbreaking. I don't think I've cried that hard in a while. I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to my German friends (all four of them! <3 airport.="airport." all="all" at="at" being="being" br="br" for="for" guys="guys" i="i" immensely="immensely" miss="miss" of="of" sad="sad" so="so" the="the" you="you"> Being home was/is weird only in the way that it isn't. And here's the kicker: I feel like my life is now divided. I have friends on two continents, people that I really care for, and this week has been a struggle just juggling the two. For instance today I did something that I feel really guilty about to my dad (kicked him out of my apartment like an ungrateful brat) and I feel pretty bad about that. It's weird juggling friends in timezones as close friends. It's hard. I try to text my German/Finnish friends as often as possible but sometimes the time thing is really, really a challenge. And then I have to worry about being that girl who's always on the phone, always in another world. But that's just the thing, I feel like my heart still is in another world. But I'm still guilty for letting reality slip through my fingers. I'll find a way to balance it soon enough, hopefully.

Nursing school is getting me excited. And I've been applying for jobs so that's hopefully good!

My and Connie's apartment is shaping up nicely. Today we got internet (Thank-you, Dad!!!) and an intense TV set-up (Complete with watchable German television networks!) and finally hung most of our decorations up.

Today was the first day that I skyped extensively in my new apartment, and to my surprise and delight the internet is working wonderfully and quickly.

Alright, it is with great sadness that this travel/study abroad blog ends and my normal life blog resumes...all good things I guess really must come to an end.

madison

I got back on Thursday, spent Friday downtown on campus. It was a weird sensation to be downtown with no homework, no studying, no real sense of purpose while all those other students bustled around me busily. I feel like I'm kind of in academic limbo, which scares me because what's to come when I'm in Germany? Will there be payback? It was enjoyable to sit and stare at the surroundings (even in the frigid weather) because I felt like I was home, a feeling I have been missing and estimate I will be missing even more in the weeks and months to come.

Anyway, yesterday Connie and I also found a new apartment. I felt kind of bad because I didn't want to rush her into getting this place but a) it was beautiful b) it was in the best neighborhood c) we needed to sign the lease before I leave on Thursday and that doesn't really leave much wiggle room. I think we made the right decision though! It's in a really quaint house near Trader Joe's, relatively far from campus but located by a really eclectic mix of shops and whatnot. And the busses run every half hour so that's something. The apartment itself is huge, the kitchen and bathrooms aren't so large but overall it's pretty roomy. (Furniture, anyone?) We have a fireplace and a parking spot, hard wood floors and actual counter space. The best part, you ask? Definitely the lack of nightclub. I think it might even be far enough from Camp Randall so things aren't crazy on game day. Sweet.

After going to work, I came back to campus and hung out with Janet. I'm trying to really spend quality time with people while I'm back here for the week, which is really tiring actually. I've created an impossible schedule for myself, with working as a home care aide for a few hours ever other day...I decided not to go to Woodman's today in favor of visiting my family in Milwaukee which I felt took precedence. I have two sides of my family to visit, many friends and I have to devote a considerable amount of time to my parents and immediate family because I won't see them. Especially my mother who I really, truly am worried about. I want to just brush it off and say she'll be okay, but I'm not so sure that's the case. Not to sound like a spoiled 8 year old, but it's not fair for her to hold me back by being vindictive and passive agressive. I have big opportunities to explore the world, something that I absolutely live for. I should be able to grow away from her without feeling a mounting gloom and guilt in the pit of my stomach; I worry she won't be able to handle this time so well.

This morning I'm trying to just get stuff around the house done. I filed my taxes in record time, now all that's really left is financial aid for next year. (Not that anyone wanted to hear about those irrelevant details of my life).

I've been listening to a lot of German music and trying really hard to sing along because I fear I've forgotten all my German and I'm leaving in five days. I have no idea how to speak German. I can say a total of maybe, 20 phrases that will help me. I'm looking forward to the field test though...

how many cities in how many weeks?

The last of my Madison weeks are rapidly approaching. I can't believe it! I'm very excited; excited for New York (!) excited for Denver (!) (this is pointless adding exclamation points after each of my destinations, suffice to say each should be followed by a !) Seattle, Rome, Cologne, Krakow, Accra, Moscow...Athens, EUROPE.

I just get so excited thinking about it. And now that I have a Kindle, I can read on all my transportation without carrying a ton of weighty books! Any book recommendations, blog readers? So far I've downloaded pretty much all of the classics (free on Amazon Prime) and The Hunger Games. Let me know!

Nothing new happens here, really, other than Woodman's, although last night I did go out with Janet and Rushi and there were Martinis and Mojitos. And fun times. I'm going to miss my Madison...

doubt and bad luck

that sounds depressing.


have been full of self doubt of late and also have had incredibly bad luck with just about everything. maybe it's like a special way of the world welcoming me back to madison. finally. back in madison.

i am excited to work on my life for the rest of the summer.

Kenya: Entering Week Three

Many people here thought the world would end on Saturday at 6 pm. We are still here (no one saw that one coming). PRAISE JESUS. Continuing.

What I had first mistaken as novelty and noting difference, I now believe is a form of hard and fast racism. Now that I am alone, traveling as one Mzungu and not two or three, I am scared. I am really fucking scared. And I have never felt more alone in my life.

People shout on the streets, 'Mzungu, mzungu!' I didn't let it get to me, I didn't. But now it's just like their shouting, "go home! you don't belong here. get out!" Kenyans are of this mindset: white skin=money. And, yes, I guess it is true. I have a lot more fucking money than almost every other person I see on the streets, but put me here in Kenya, convert the actual ratio of money I live on to Kenyan schillings and see how rich I am. See how many schillings I have to spend on just rent for one month in my 'shitty' apartment back home. I don't have money to throw around here, but yes, yes I DO have the ability to pull out 10,000 shillings at a time. So WHAT?! It means NOTHING. I don't like being accosted, ripped off and touched. My fine hair is not a signal that it's okay to touch it. My tanned skin is not a signal that it's okay to take my arm. My leather wallet is not a sign I have money.

I was ripped off buying fabric. I paid 300 KSh, which I thought was a reasonable price and a trustworthy shop. Turns out that should only have cost me 150 KSh. And then someone had the nerve to attempt to sell me the same size and quality of fabric at a market yesterday for 600 KSh.

It's not just the shopping. Yesterday I went into Nairobi and I saw reverse ghettos. White people seclude themselves in these huge, hulking, luxurious apartment complexes. White people being ex-Pats, the people who are descendants of the British who colonized here who do almost always have more money than all the others. The racial divide here is so stark it's hard to not notice. Honestly, I can't blame them. People cut in front of me in line, assume that I'll take them back to where ever I'm from, harass me...I guess I'd separate myself too if I could.

And the religion. I think I am literally the only person within 200 km who doesn't accept Jehovah as my Lord and Savior and understands that sinners may not burn in hell. It's intolerable. I will NOT start going to church when I get home, okay?!

The worst I suppose is the huge language divide. I know their talking about me because I catch the word "mzungu" in with swahili jibberish and I catch sneers in my general direction. Of course I can't communicate in Swahili, okay? I TRY though. I really do. I'm TRYING not to stick out so sorely, but I can't live in blackface for three more weeks. I just don't know what to do; I feel lost. I'm so alone here, especially in this village because no tourists live here and no ex-Pats live here either.

My phone, I have discovered is incredibly expensive to use. I can't talk to my friends or my family on the phone, and I can only get to this stupid internet room deemed 'cafe' for a couple hours in the afternoon before the sun sets and I am in true and present danger. This only adds to my sinking deepening feeling of loneliness.


In other news, I taught the kids to say "What's up?" today. It went over quite well even if they only half knew what it meant. I really like those kids but sometimes they gather around me like I have all the answers and know what to do and everything in the world. I don't. I really don't. I've started preparing lessons in the evenings, and it went pretty well today. The teacher, who I finally found out was 21 years old, was super cooperative and the lesson went well. I taught them a simple conversation a la:

Hey, what's your name?
My name is Milkah, what's yours? ['yours' is always pronounced wrong, without fail]
I am Rebecca. How old are you?
I'm 9 years old. And you?
I'm 20 years old.
Where are you from?
I'm from Kenya. And you?
I'm from The United States.
How many siblings do you have?
I have 2 sisters and 1 brother.

Some of the older kids can get it, but the ones who only know Maa (Masai native tongue) can barely form the words. And even the older kids need a script. I am now absolutely positive that they absorbed not even 30% of what the Canadians taught them. Maybe two of the kids could explain in Swahili some of what we went over last week. I'm trying, I'm doing my best. But my best is just not good enough.

And still I wake up thinking, HOLY FUCK I'm in KENYA. (!!) Probably the best experience I'll ever have.

you gotta wait a minute wait a minute oh yeah

waiting.

it's such a commonplace activity that i do so often...back to square one i am, i am. always waiting for the next thing, next chapter, new news, new people. i've been doing really well lately, time has been flying, but i'm still looking off into the horizon at the sunset, wishing and waiting for tomorrow. i can't believe it's already mid-way through april!

i got my passport today while checking the mail (once of four times today), newly endowed with a Kenyan entrance visa. There are lions on it. Sweet.

I can't handle mystery. I'm expecting a letter and it's driving me nuts. Absolutely insane...what could possibly be in this letter? I feel like i'm on an episode of This American Life:

"[Begin Ira Glass voice] Today on our show, a story in only one act. About a girl. A girl who's waiting for a letter from someone she'd waited literally months to hear from. But why is she thinking about this when her adventure of her youth is impending, only weeks away? Why does this one letter receive so much attention? What could it possibly contain? After the break, we examine life from her perspective this episode on This American Life. [end Ira Glass voice]"

kenya seems impossibly close. it seems like it's just some wish that i made up and now it's coming to fruition and i just can't think about it. i get overwhelmed by the thought of it, so much thinking involved. i find that so many people ask me why i'm going...and it's made me really examine myself and think about it because that is such a great question. why? honestly, i want to help people. i want to be motherly, caring, and helpful, and ultimately offer my support from my privileged background to those who are less fortunate than i am. why i can't do that here in the states? i guess it's just too small of a leap for me.

one thought that crosses my mind every night nowadays is how lovely my bed is. I love my comforter and the sheets and all the pillows i surround myself with...I know I'll miss it and yearn for it while I'm sleeping on some cot with a net around me listening to who knows what crawling around me.

It scares me, you know. I'm not fearless, but I put myself in these situations in which I force myself to push my limits, to test my boundaries, to discover my fears. It's not even a test of those around me and their attention or competition...it's for myself. I don't surprise myself anymore and I am not pushed or challenged by my life. I want to feel that challenge, feel the thrill of doing something that serves as a complete curveball to those around me before I get older and settle down. I always wanted to experience the world when I was growing up, I've always loved learning about places other than here...other than Madison. In second grade, I remember I'd always be so excited and enthusiastic when we'd have these passport days where we'd get to explore different 'countries' in other classrooms around the hallway. I loved those days. I think all this wanderlust might just stem from there.

A wise man once told me that I was the smart girl in the film "Taken." I don't know if I believe that. I believe that I am probably just the dumb girl who thinks about things, but might just get herself into an unfortunate situation and fall into some horrible nightmare that I can't escape from. But hey, these are just risks I [feel like I] have to take. And it will be worth it in the end.

[sparing some unfortunate contraction of aids, rabies or any other of a plethora of diseases unique to Africa. Also sparing my sale into a slavery ring or underground prostitution ring, rape or murder. some restrictions may apply.]

wisconsin up in flames

what is up with this place lately? i'm considering moving to a different city for nursing now more seriously than pursuing Madison because people here can't see the err of their ways...everyone is right and no one sees the other side of it. ignorance never lead to less bliss.

Senators AWOL? Self righteous liberals and right-wingers? UW-Madison becoming privately funded? Seems all very political, but it trickles down socially too. People's beliefs are so...strong here, and a lot of them are founded in nothing but rumor and fitting in with one of two masses. it just bothers me. so much bothers me lately...


deep breaths. deep breaths.

everything looks perfect from far away

Like watching Manhattan [highly recommend, by the way]. New York looks shiny and beautiful, and I've been thinking about moving seriously now for a while. But I will never move to New York. New York is not the shiny wide-screened beautiful place it lays claim to be in romantic movies, rather it's a city like any other, but more expensive and with more crime. And all that romantic, big city, 'these lights will inspire you' notion I have will just get crushed if I move there. But Boston looks nice...

It's crazy because I have so little time left here, and time is moving so fast. I have ten months left, broken up as follows: after I get back from Kenya (hopefully, if all works out with CNA), I'll have six months to enjoy the city I love before either leaving, or committing to be here for life, practically. And I have to make that decision before I leave for Germany! So I basically have one year to figure out my life. I wonder if time will continue to pass this incredibly fast in the future.

This week has been great. I've been so busy and I'm loving it...but I still feel a very distinct emptiness where homework should reside. I constantly feel like I'm forgetting something but I think it's just the absence of an extra four credits and one extremely ridiculous Biology class. Thank goodness that's over with.

There are other things in my life that need to be done too. I've been looking so positively at the world lately, I've been doing so well. I've gotten comments from certain parents concerning their lack of faith in me, or how I'm a horrible person but I've just brushed them off. And despite these criticisms, I continue to call said parent bi-daily and be friendly. I'm doing well for myself and I've found something that I really want to do with my life. Perhaps I've outgrown frustration.

In other news, I made a great pun today. We were discussing temperature in my Physiology Lab and we were in a bit of an argument, so I called over the TA and said, "we're having a heated debate about this..."


It was awesome. And I'm crediting Myriah with this one, "Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? All that was left was da Brie."

could my house be any colder?

A frigid 64 degrees inside my dad's house. Why he keeps it this cold, I will never know. I cannot feel my fingers.

Wisconsin, hello. I missed you, but I don't think it has hit me that I'm not getting out of here until spring. I mean, hopefully I'll go somewhere over spring break. Hopefully.

Miss Florida. Sad thought that I won't be going there so much in 2011.

Favorite thing about Winter that I always forget about: the pocket space! I can carry so much in my pockets. I kind of miss that when I'm away. Also, hot beverages taste so much better up here.

Those Five Questions

1. What's going well for you?
I like school and am excelling in it, which I feel is pretty much number one. I'm not super enthused about the relationships in my life, so I guess in that arena I feel as though I am reevaluating my social situation and getting things straightened out. I feel like I can assess myself fairly, and assess others around me. I enjoy my solitude and find myself having a lot of it on purpose. I'm getting more comfortable with learning about my own tastes and preferences without relying on others to sway my opinion. I like myself, and it's weird to say that because I went so long feeling so opposite that. It's a relief.
2. What are you trying to ignore?
My problems, probably. I mean, I feel like I like to address things head on, but some things about my true feelings regarding many topics I try to gloss over. For instance, I don't really have an opinion on abortion so I try to ignore the fact that there's a whole debate raging over it so I don't have to chose sides. Is that wrong? This goes for more personal issues as well, but I guess that's as in depth as I'd like to share publicly.
3. What's boring you?
Drama. I hate drama between people, I think it's just dumb. Especially people our age. I have my issues with people and such, but I don't make a huge deal about it. I don't like gossip, not because it makes me uncomfortable, just because I don't really care one way or the other.
Summer. I want school to start.
Madison. I love it, but I need to get out.
Self pity. It's always the same old story with me. Same ole, same ole, and let's be honest, everyone else is bored with my self pity, too.
4. How do you want to be remembered?
When I move out, move on, lose touch with people for whatever reason, I would like to be remembered as a caring, responsible person who would go out of the way for people she cares about. I want to be remembered as a person of depth. As someone who could be confided in and comprehend problems and be able to help or at least offer a shoulder to cry on. I want to be remembered as a real person, not a reflection of everyone else around her, as someone who was independent. Strong willed. Lovable. Cuddly. Nice.
5. Who do you love?
We'll start with the basics. I love my mother and father, my cousins, my best friends. Regardless. No matter how I feel at a certain time, I'll always love those people. I feel like love is just wanting to be there for people, wanting to be a part of their lives, wanting them to enjoy you and love you back, seriously caring about what happens to them, wanting the best for them. I always want to be there for all of them. I love them like nothing else, even if they don't/can't always act in my best interest, or love me unconditionally as I do them.
A little less obvious, I love everyone I have loved in the past. I feel like that's a feeling that never really fades, no matter how faint of contact I have with them or how badly things may have ended. That's a strong emotion, and although I no longer may feel the need to go out of my way and bend over backwards for them, I still care about their well being and want the best for them, and in that way, I love them. (When I say them, it makes me feel like I've had so many lovers over the years, but that is just not the case. It's only a couple, don't fret.)
I feel like I love easily because that's just my nature to be caring like that.
My more distant relatives, the ones I don't interact with on a daily basis, I feel like I love because we are related, but know little of them. I feel like my 'love' emotion for them is not as strong as even my emotions related to my good friends of like as I barely know them, but there's something about mishpacha. Gotta love 'em.
I love myself. I do. I need to realize that one more a lot of the time, so this is serving as, if nothing else, a reminder to myself. No matter how bad things get, I know that there's at least one person who loves me back.

http://www.fivebigquestions.com/

madison in the winter

is never the most pleasant of thoughts to think about when on vacation. but inevitably, when i get home, i'm so thankful that i'm here. i feel like 25 degrees is balmy and i like being home.
in other news, it's 2010, but i still feel like it's the 00's. how strange. also, i feel like i'm on a boat and am currently pumped up on meclazine because i am motion sick from sitting still. i don't think this is normal.
i have evolved into the one thing i hate and fear the most: a dinosaur. i sound like a fucking triceratops every time i cough.
anyway, the trip i just returned from was the absolute best. there are so many highlights and i'm so dizzy i think i'm just going to sum it up by saying it was one of the best times of my life.
other things:
i'm soo proud of a certain someone for going back to school. that made my week. i've been very happy about this, and i hope it works out. i'm praying, which is weird because i'm not a religious person.
i'm exhausted and think i have insomnia. i sound really unhealthy, but really this is just a build up. thank god school doesn't start for another week.
i got my sex book today. it looks incredibly interesting. maybe i should revert to wanting to be a sex therapist.
i need to buy a rug. not sure why i thought of that.
i was in a really good mood for a whole 24 hour cycle and then i just had like a burnout or something. now i'm in a bit of an existential crisis and wondering if people actually care about me at all. i think i should probably sleep.

discouragement

As the semester comes to a close, I feel as if I learned a lot about myself since the beginning. I realized I'm not the smartest date in the fruit bowl, I have will power, I need friends, and I love Madison. I really love Madison. And I love those friends I do have.
Today I became highly discouraged with my progress in school so far. I got a mediocre grade on my paper, worth a fair amount of my grade (25%) and on the last test my grade was only fair. I have hope, I guess, 50% more to make up but I foresee it being pretty challenging. My econ mid-term grade comes back tomorrow, which should make me feel better (I hope, the advisory curve is set as an 84% overall is an A). I know no one wants to hear about this, but I figure blogging about it is more effective instead of bitching at everyone I know. Not effective at all.
Another part of me that I think has matured is my attitude toward dependence on boys. I don't really feel like I need one, (for the ABSOLUTE first time in a LONGGG time). It's great. Really. I don't truly feel the need to impress anyone but myself, and I dress up because I like it, not to attract somebody that probably won't look anyway. The only thing I want is to be a mom, and there are so many possibilities out there that I've begun not to worry about it so much. I just want a daughter, so much. The husband, meh. If worst comes to worst I can handle it myself.

I'm going on cruise on the first of the year with my dear cousin, Shaina. I'm quite excited, I think it'll be a blast. I'm also excited for the warmth, because today it snowed. It was pretty and kind of mystical, but the rest of the year is yet to come. I know by February I'll be singing a different tune. But I did get the chance to use my fluffy white mittens and white scarf, I thought I looked classy.

I guess the biggest new development in my life is my decision to go to Germany. The application is in, I'm going. I'm going. I can't believe it. And it's made me realize how much I love it here. I really do, there's no place I would want to grow old more. I want to travel and live my life, yes, perhaps spend some significant time away, but this is my home, and it will always be. I'm such a badger. :)

Time for me to go I guess, the hustle of Rheta's isn't exactly the most picturesque place to be writing reflective blogs...but it'll do.