florida, revisited.

Yet again I find myself in the Sunshine State. Today was nice, Sarah and I went to the beach, but the surf wasn't as good as it was on Saturday, so we didn't stay as long. (Shout out to Walgreen's for letting us park in their lot without a ticket...)
So after the beach we went out to this fantastic sushi place right by Publix...it was so great! The sushi was cheap and delish. The real story happens on Monday and Tuesday--Disney World! I have yet to not get excited at the mere thought. Sarah and I had a great time...it was warm (except for the hurricane like storm driving from Boca to Orlando on Monday morning) and it was crowded, but we had great luck for the most part. Also, those line length indicators lie! Seriously, we went on Dinosaur, and it said there would be an 80 minute wait, but we were on the ride 10 minutes later. A stroke of great luck.
I miss my Madison, but not as much as usual, as I have a heap of homework waiting for me. If I can just get 50% of the work I'm setting out to do done, I will be in good shape.

The rest of the week looks good--short but good. Tomorrow Sarah is heading up to see Phil in Sebring, Florida, a short three hours from here. It's okay though, I need time to do my homework and it'll be nice to hang out with Aaron. Speaking of, I met his family, which was a good time. Nice people, those Cohens.

loss of depth

at first it was a loss of innocence, now i fear a loss of depth.
i'm struggling with knowing i'm just like everyone else. nothing profound here.
also, sitting home on a saturday night may or not be damaging to the self esteem.
tomorrow i have work all day.
i'm feeling depressed.
whatever.

on your machine i slur a plea for you to come home

It's late, and I'm in a strange mood.

Maybe if I would've made different choices, I wouldn't be lying in this bed right now. In the word bed, I mean physical and metaphorical. Like, I literally made my bed, and now I'm lying in it, also, I figuratively made my bed, and I'm lying in it also.
I digress.

By existing I am changing the world.

what a day

oy.
it's been a long day. I didn't nap, not because I didn't have time to, but because I felt like if I wasn't exercising the way I should've been, I should definitely not have been sleeping. Also, I've been having the worst nights lately and I thought a break from my arduous nap cycle might do the trick.
My room's a mess. I think it contributes to how I feel about myself--I don't feel put together daily at all. Like today, I feel a foo'.
Anyway, what's been going on in my life?
I've been pretty preoccupied with school, I mean, as much as I think about it all the time and it's a giant time burden. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy what I'm doing, but it's just that time again. You know, the time when you're sick of the daily grind? I fear my post-collegiate life will end up like this too, only there's no summer to look forward to there. Just retirement. Ah, well. I feel redundant. My life feels redundant. I need to break my routines.
I feel like I should see my extended family more. Also, take more pictures. Also, see more friends on the daily. Also, devour a Fat Sandwich Company Sandwich after like a good 5 mile run. That sounds satisfying.
Also of note: Fat Sandwich Company, you're a poser. A real poser. Don't pretend to be local and show loyalty to MY team when you clearly started in Oklahoma and have another shop in Illinois. Fuck off.
Anyway. I've been doing stuff at the radio station intermittently, I haven't been there as much as I would like to have been. I'm hoping to get a show going sometime in April, but for sure over the summer there will be Becca streaming online and on radio waves. That's absolutely crazy.
I also have the fluency problem again. I feel limited in German with how I can express myself.
And Now for Something Completely Different:

I HAD THE WORST NIGHTMARE LAST NIGHT. Like, it was a nightmare. I rarely (if ever) have nightmares, but this shit was SCARY. Like, there was a monster coming out of a soccer player that I happened to be hanging out with, and it was scary. It looked like jagged toothed spaghetti squash oozing out of skin, with bloody bones scraping against the skin. So scary. I woke up flustered.

revelations

-it's 37 degrees outside, don't break out the shorts quite yet, people.
-i need to reconnect with my inner romantic.
-passive agressiveness doesn't look good on anyone.
-'love story' is just a vocab word now. this may be a major contributor to the loss of said inner romantic.
-people should make more time for themselves.
-i'd rather think freely than think what is right.
-i should devote more time to being productive in my life.
-i love raider.

walking through molasses

that's what my days feel like. I'm overwhelmed and want to accept defeat. This shit is hard. I mean, I'm doing mediocre in school, but this econ grade felt like a final blow. Like, a "what the hell are you doing" blow. I need to expand my horizons and find something I'm good at, because International Studies is not it. Watch this get really depressing when I start taking other classes and find out I kind of sort of am semi-qualified in everything but good at nothing.
And this is how I feel.
But I'm good at German, which was canceled today due to my professor being ill. Thank god, except for the fact that I woke up extra early to get to a class that just didn't exist.
And now to whine:
I have no interest in economics, I hate this class, I don't really even care how poorly I did on that test or the fact that there is no way to recover my grade at this point. I have no intention of studying harder for the second one or the final because honestly at this point it just makes me miserable. To hell with it. I'll never get econ, it's boring, it's annoying, and even my professor, the most enthusiastic person about economics I know, doesn't seem very excited about it anyway. Also, environmental studies isn't really tickling my fancy either, or at least this environmental conservation class isn't. I feel like it's redundant, and I'm definitely taking big ideas away from the lectures, but the little nit picky exams can go take a hike. (Hahah, I don't know about you, but I thoroughly enjoyed my nature pun.)

Yesterday I went out with Sarah to dinner, which was fun. She forgot her buns. (Sorry, love, they're gone :)) Tonight I'm going back home to do my laundry and be away from school, which I think I need to be. I work all weekend at Woodman's, and I'm not so upset about it, as I desperately need the money. I would also like to get my taxes done, ideally. If that happens, I will almost consider this weekend productive.
Also: Bursar's Office is completely useless to help me with my taxes. Fuck.
Now, I'm sitting in Rheta's, waiting to go to WSUM. I should see a counselor about my life. Aarushi and I are shadowing Maureen's movie music show, which I'm pretty psyched about.
Anyway.
I think I'm going to read some and get some ice cream to calm my nerves. It might also help to get some of this reading done...

morning

you know you've done something serious with your feelings when this happens to you. when you wake up lonely and sad, wanting only one thing. it's sad. i mean, i make myself sad. like some sort of a pity party. and don't get me wrong, this isn't like depression or anything bad like this, it's just missing someone. i mean, really, really missing someone. it's when all those songs you've been avoiding you play purposefully to make yourself feel "better" when really you're just wallowing. you're reveling in their feelings that are somewhat similar to yours. and even if the lyrics are meant to mean something completely different, you twist them to fit perfectly with your situation.
it's when you get dressed in vain, knowing that that one person you desperately want to see you won't. and it's traumatizing. i mean, you start peeking around corners hoping that by some miracle that person is hiding there. not like you're living your life solely for one thing, or obsessive, or crazy, but it's gotten to be a huge part of how you think, so the effects are spreading through your everyday.
you can't concentrate on anything...it's ignorant bliss almost. the memories keep you happy, but you're just kind of treading water at this point until the next time you can focus on them.
you want the person to see how you are--you wonder what they are doing. such mystery is involved! it's a guessing game that you don't want: you need to know but you can't.
and the worst part is the over-analyzation: you recall your conduct and wonder how you were perceived, and although you may not care on any given day how those around you perceive you, you care about this. you care about how this goes. how you are perceived then. now that's an unsettling feeling, let me tell you.
but that is not to say that all of this is bad. it's just a matter of circumstances. some are luckier than others with those they find, and others are not. when you're the one who found the one who can never see you, you're a little unlucky, but at least you found them at all. and all the work you put into it just makes you appreciate it all the more.
now then.
on to another day.
it's going to be a long few weeks.

home again home again jiggity jig

I'm home again (for now...)
hopefully these next three weeks will go pretty quickly.
and that is all.
i need sleep.
i need to do work
i need water
and now i'll stop whining and do my work.