Well, after a two year hiatus, I'm back and blogging! Ok, back to my college ways.
I guess I'll just rationalise it by saying that I wasn't actually IN school for a year and a half and blogging just doesn't work as well when you're not procrastinating on something you should be doing.
A rather fast recap of what's going on with my life:
I'm living in Germany now. I successfully uprooted and replanted in September 2014, worked as an Au Pair for a hellish year in which my mother died, my dad got married, I went to Greece, and I was randomly accepted to medical school in Bonn (on a whim). It was a big year. And a hard year.
So now I'm back in full student mode, in a new country, studying something more intense than I've never studied before. I'm older now, 25, and it's not as easy as the first time around. Or maybe it's a language thing. Whatever it is, learning stuff about medicine is hard.
The university system in Germany is quite different from ours back in the States. All grades are based on one exam at the end of the semester (sometimes also at the beginning of the next). You can take a test for a class you never attended. You basically are your own....is what I'm figuring out. They use this "sink or swim" tactic, and if you don't teach yourself the material on your own time, you fail. Unique to medicine though, (thankfully) is that we don't get grades. Everything is purely pass/fail, which is helpful. I thought, yeah, 60%, easy smeazy. Nooooo. It's not. Try remembering every sulcus and tuberculum and ligament and what they do and how they can get hurt. A whole semester worth of only BONES and I can barely manage to get 60%. Next up on the challenge list is organic chemistry (which I stupidly never took in the US). That exam is on Friday and I'm pretty behind because it's just SO MUCH. And it's super tailored toward medicine so it's like an overview of the important things and then they dropped right into biochemistry with amino acids and DNA. It's just a lot. On the bright side, I learned so much by myself and it really gives me something to be proud of, where as in the US it's more like I feel like I had been "taught" so much and the sense of accomplishment wasn't as high I think.
So that's what's going on. What's coming up?
After the embryology and chemistry exams this week, I'm flying to Madrid to meet up with my dad on Saturday. I'm really looking forward to seeing him...and maybe working on my Spanish? I would love to learn Spanish! Marco and I started on Narcos last night on Netflix and it just made me want to be able to speak Spanish SO BAD.
Anyway, after that, at the beginning of March, I'm embarking on my next adventure to Vietnam. I'm heading over there with Marco, Maja and Nick. I'm pretty excited but a bit nervous about the budget. As a non-working full-time medical student living abroad the finance situation is a bit tight. I booked those tickets nervously and thought, yeah, until then I can find a job...but unfortunately learning all this stuff takes a bit more time up than I would've expected which doesn't leave a lot of time for employment. Ah, c'est la vie. You're only young once.
And then it all starts up again in April: this time with developmental neurobiology, physics lab, biochemistry, and histology. (And maybe more? Stay tuned to find out!)
Alright, I think it's time to get back to peptide bonding and kinetics. But this was therapeutic. Maybe I'll try to get back into the groove...
Showing posts with label mom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mom. Show all posts
Monday, February 15, 2016
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
assessment versus exam
It's been a while. Germany was amazing but somewhere along the line I just didn't want to write anymore.
On to the next thing:
So I'm sitting in a mental health class, and each week I become more and more frustrated by my professor. To hear her stereotype people with mental illness with statements such as, "people with mental illness can't hold a job for 40 hours a week" or "people don't like the terms 'normal' and 'not normal' but I'm going to use them anyway" frustrate me. As someone who has dealt extensively with mental illness on a personal basis, I take great offense to the way she treats us. I find her behavior unprofessional and a lot of the time very unhelpful when it comes to learning anything at all about mental health nursing. Many times when I walk into that class I feel as though I am sitting down in front of someone who has 'seen it all' and is calloused by her experiences. I feel like she looks down on her students as though we don't have the potential to learn and intrinsically accepts the fact that we will never be as skilled at mental health nursing as she is.
I go to that class every morning and am constantly reminded of my inability as a nurse. My presence there is rewarded with 5 points for attendance, however there are no lecture slides, no readings and no other supports set up to guide her tirades at us. She presents personal stories about what a great practitioner she is: "he spent $200 and did what no one suffering from mental illness should do, got a debit and credit card. but, I have to give myself a pat on the back, he no longer has them, he gave them to a friend."
This is an example of a poorly controlled mental illness, and in my opinion, a poor mental health practitioner. I, as a nursing student, do not need to know these embarrassing intricacies from her "practice" and I can't help but wonder what would happen if my mother was one of the people this woman was counseling. would she be put up on a metaphorical cross, too? Used as an example for...what? What was the point of her story today, about this schizophrenic man with an addiction problem who went on a rampage with his debit card? We were supposed to be learning about the mental health exam and assessment (mind you, you are measured against "normal" and "not normal" in her eyes when she gives you an exam!) I don't see the connection here. As one student so astutely pointed out, "it seems like your assessment is using a lot of "I" language and is very subjective."
This semester of nursing school has been one frustration after another as far as I'm concerned. The class I was least looking forward to, Geriatrics, is actually the most completely structured and interesting class I'm taking. Mental health nursing, as described above, is a disaster, and community health nursing isn't all that bad except for it's a lot of common sense. Nice for the studying, a good time to get caught up on watching all 6 episodes of Star Wars back to back in German.
Hope all are well, keep in mind (haha) that mental illness can affect anyone and they are people, too.
On to the next thing:
So I'm sitting in a mental health class, and each week I become more and more frustrated by my professor. To hear her stereotype people with mental illness with statements such as, "people with mental illness can't hold a job for 40 hours a week" or "people don't like the terms 'normal' and 'not normal' but I'm going to use them anyway" frustrate me. As someone who has dealt extensively with mental illness on a personal basis, I take great offense to the way she treats us. I find her behavior unprofessional and a lot of the time very unhelpful when it comes to learning anything at all about mental health nursing. Many times when I walk into that class I feel as though I am sitting down in front of someone who has 'seen it all' and is calloused by her experiences. I feel like she looks down on her students as though we don't have the potential to learn and intrinsically accepts the fact that we will never be as skilled at mental health nursing as she is.
I go to that class every morning and am constantly reminded of my inability as a nurse. My presence there is rewarded with 5 points for attendance, however there are no lecture slides, no readings and no other supports set up to guide her tirades at us. She presents personal stories about what a great practitioner she is: "he spent $200 and did what no one suffering from mental illness should do, got a debit and credit card. but, I have to give myself a pat on the back, he no longer has them, he gave them to a friend."
This is an example of a poorly controlled mental illness, and in my opinion, a poor mental health practitioner. I, as a nursing student, do not need to know these embarrassing intricacies from her "practice" and I can't help but wonder what would happen if my mother was one of the people this woman was counseling. would she be put up on a metaphorical cross, too? Used as an example for...what? What was the point of her story today, about this schizophrenic man with an addiction problem who went on a rampage with his debit card? We were supposed to be learning about the mental health exam and assessment (mind you, you are measured against "normal" and "not normal" in her eyes when she gives you an exam!) I don't see the connection here. As one student so astutely pointed out, "it seems like your assessment is using a lot of "I" language and is very subjective."
This semester of nursing school has been one frustration after another as far as I'm concerned. The class I was least looking forward to, Geriatrics, is actually the most completely structured and interesting class I'm taking. Mental health nursing, as described above, is a disaster, and community health nursing isn't all that bad except for it's a lot of common sense. Nice for the studying, a good time to get caught up on watching all 6 episodes of Star Wars back to back in German.
Hope all are well, keep in mind (haha) that mental illness can affect anyone and they are people, too.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
noitanitsar corp
I'm joining that. As in: I should really be watching lectures but I'm feeling unmotivated. Maybe I should get out of the house.
This semester really flew by...just like the rest of life. And again I'm having all these thoughts that I so desperately want to catch and bottle and summon each time I want to write a blog post, but due to some weird law of physics (the one where when you examine a particle, it necessarily changes? what is that? quantum theory?) the thoughts morph and I can no longer conjure a coherent thought for the life of me as soon as I type "blogger.com".
Today was Mother's Day--my mom, my grandma, and my uncle who is in from Seattle all went to brunch. It was nice quality time for us all, but the Avenue Bar was extremely slow and after sipping on a bloody mary and some coffee and watching the minutes tick by into an hour, it got to be a bit much. My uncle ended up complaining; the food came, [side note: it was awesome! crab cake benedict, no one ever did have a better idea I daresay] and then we got our brunch completely free. I feel bad. I have to say, I am not one to do that. I was a waitress for a long time and I understand that the whole situation is difficult. People yelling at you, tugging at you one way or another, this person wants this, this person needs coffee, this other person needs more napkins because they are the messiest eater on earth. And people are rude--they can wear you down. I remember so distinctly working at Denny's as the customers would make me feel inadequate, as if my doing this menial job just wasn't cutting it. I am good in so many ways. And I was a good, cute waitress too. I hate that feeling that I am scolding someone; insinuating that they aren't good enough--you never know what their life circumstances are. In my eyes, it behooves you to take it easy on people and try to understand where they're coming from. I don't think I could ever fire someone for the same reasons...just like I don't think I'll ever break up with someone. I have to be really, really, really dissatisfied and angry to complain about things. It made me sad...my uncle also mentioned not giving a tip to the poor girl and I immediately laid my plans to come back later in the afternoon and correct the situation. Luckily, he did tip her, but something just feels wrong about getting all that food for free. Pity, really.
I'm 90% moved into my dad's basement. Mixed emotions...definitely not happy about having to live here for 9 months in the fall, but I'm thinking it'll be okay for these next four nights that I'm spending here. Four more nights in the USA before taking this journey of epic and scary proportions. I feel I owe everyone (all two of you reading) an explanation about that last blog post. I am scared of the loneliness and my inexplicable loss of German speaking skills, but I am so, so, so incredibly excited. My heart literally leaps and skips a beat when I think about going back. I'm not so scared of not being with my favorite Amis from last semester, simply because I've done quite a bit of traveling alone and with different people even in Germany...but I think, to me at least, what is more sinister is how you can feel like even more of an outsider when you've known a group of people that has evolved and grown and changed over almost a year, but you've evolved and grown and changed separately from them. Then you come back to a whole different situation...like how coming home here was. It was weird. Meeting new people is in many ways much easier than maintaining fractured friendships--you need building materials instead of maintenance calls. Consider: you don't even know you have a leaky faucet until you have water standing in the bathroom and leaking through the floorboards.
What ever happens, will happen. I don't have much control over the situation at this point...I'm leaving, this will happen, things will be new and different, the same and so incredibly strange. I'm excited and a little nervous for what these next few months have in store...
This semester really flew by...just like the rest of life. And again I'm having all these thoughts that I so desperately want to catch and bottle and summon each time I want to write a blog post, but due to some weird law of physics (the one where when you examine a particle, it necessarily changes? what is that? quantum theory?) the thoughts morph and I can no longer conjure a coherent thought for the life of me as soon as I type "blogger.com".
Today was Mother's Day--my mom, my grandma, and my uncle who is in from Seattle all went to brunch. It was nice quality time for us all, but the Avenue Bar was extremely slow and after sipping on a bloody mary and some coffee and watching the minutes tick by into an hour, it got to be a bit much. My uncle ended up complaining; the food came, [side note: it was awesome! crab cake benedict, no one ever did have a better idea I daresay] and then we got our brunch completely free. I feel bad. I have to say, I am not one to do that. I was a waitress for a long time and I understand that the whole situation is difficult. People yelling at you, tugging at you one way or another, this person wants this, this person needs coffee, this other person needs more napkins because they are the messiest eater on earth. And people are rude--they can wear you down. I remember so distinctly working at Denny's as the customers would make me feel inadequate, as if my doing this menial job just wasn't cutting it. I am good in so many ways. And I was a good, cute waitress too. I hate that feeling that I am scolding someone; insinuating that they aren't good enough--you never know what their life circumstances are. In my eyes, it behooves you to take it easy on people and try to understand where they're coming from. I don't think I could ever fire someone for the same reasons...just like I don't think I'll ever break up with someone. I have to be really, really, really dissatisfied and angry to complain about things. It made me sad...my uncle also mentioned not giving a tip to the poor girl and I immediately laid my plans to come back later in the afternoon and correct the situation. Luckily, he did tip her, but something just feels wrong about getting all that food for free. Pity, really.
I'm 90% moved into my dad's basement. Mixed emotions...definitely not happy about having to live here for 9 months in the fall, but I'm thinking it'll be okay for these next four nights that I'm spending here. Four more nights in the USA before taking this journey of epic and scary proportions. I feel I owe everyone (all two of you reading) an explanation about that last blog post. I am scared of the loneliness and my inexplicable loss of German speaking skills, but I am so, so, so incredibly excited. My heart literally leaps and skips a beat when I think about going back. I'm not so scared of not being with my favorite Amis from last semester, simply because I've done quite a bit of traveling alone and with different people even in Germany...but I think, to me at least, what is more sinister is how you can feel like even more of an outsider when you've known a group of people that has evolved and grown and changed over almost a year, but you've evolved and grown and changed separately from them. Then you come back to a whole different situation...like how coming home here was. It was weird. Meeting new people is in many ways much easier than maintaining fractured friendships--you need building materials instead of maintenance calls. Consider: you don't even know you have a leaky faucet until you have water standing in the bathroom and leaking through the floorboards.
What ever happens, will happen. I don't have much control over the situation at this point...I'm leaving, this will happen, things will be new and different, the same and so incredibly strange. I'm excited and a little nervous for what these next few months have in store...
Monday, April 29, 2013
dwindle dwindle dwindle
That is the sound time would make if you could hear it passing. It would be this like...squeaky, subtle noise that you could only hear if you listened really, really close. Like a Pokémon making the sound of what it is. Dwindling time.
It is crazy that it is already the second to last day in April. I remember driving around near my Grandma's house a while back and thinking, "Man, I wish it were just Thanksgiving already!" where does this time go? I think what they say is definitely true, each second is shorter relative to your life span so time just speeds up and takes no prisoners. And if this semester, this impossible, terrible, stressful semester is almost over, what does that mean for the upcoming summer? How fast will that pass? I remember last year around this time. I remember two years ago around this time. And three years ago. After that I think each year around this time becomes less distinctive and it just turns into this conglomeration of memories set in my head as this idea of what late April/early May is. Warm and rainy. Warm and sunny. The time when the air smells like dew and the wind finally feels warm on your skin instead of chilling you to the bone. It's a nice time of year.
On Friday my mom was readmitted to the ICU for a myriad of things: low blood pressure, this infection, that infection, this and that. I feel so cold now--so calloused by all this I think the nurses must think I'm a terrible daughter. But sitting in the emergency room until midnight doesn't make me want to stay for her to get settled on the new ward, even if it is an ICU. I know this routine, I've been here before. She was asleep anyway.
Me leaving in 17 days concerns me. In a good way, for the most part. In the normal, "who the hell is going to sublet my apartment!" kind of way. In the, "oh god, I can't speak German! I need to do some serious studying of birth words!" kind of way. But at times, when I see her in her hospital, it reminds me of how fragile her life really is. How it could all go so tragically wrong with such little notice...and it scares me. I guess we all have to learn to live with these fears...and I'll get along and have a good time, and come back with so many life changing experiences and she'll be around to see me come home from the airport. And they all lived happily ever after. The end.
It is crazy that it is already the second to last day in April. I remember driving around near my Grandma's house a while back and thinking, "Man, I wish it were just Thanksgiving already!" where does this time go? I think what they say is definitely true, each second is shorter relative to your life span so time just speeds up and takes no prisoners. And if this semester, this impossible, terrible, stressful semester is almost over, what does that mean for the upcoming summer? How fast will that pass? I remember last year around this time. I remember two years ago around this time. And three years ago. After that I think each year around this time becomes less distinctive and it just turns into this conglomeration of memories set in my head as this idea of what late April/early May is. Warm and rainy. Warm and sunny. The time when the air smells like dew and the wind finally feels warm on your skin instead of chilling you to the bone. It's a nice time of year.
On Friday my mom was readmitted to the ICU for a myriad of things: low blood pressure, this infection, that infection, this and that. I feel so cold now--so calloused by all this I think the nurses must think I'm a terrible daughter. But sitting in the emergency room until midnight doesn't make me want to stay for her to get settled on the new ward, even if it is an ICU. I know this routine, I've been here before. She was asleep anyway.
Me leaving in 17 days concerns me. In a good way, for the most part. In the normal, "who the hell is going to sublet my apartment!" kind of way. In the, "oh god, I can't speak German! I need to do some serious studying of birth words!" kind of way. But at times, when I see her in her hospital, it reminds me of how fragile her life really is. How it could all go so tragically wrong with such little notice...and it scares me. I guess we all have to learn to live with these fears...and I'll get along and have a good time, and come back with so many life changing experiences and she'll be around to see me come home from the airport. And they all lived happily ever after. The end.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
don't go brecht-ing my heart
I just finished an essay for my German class about Brecht and sent it off to Marco for a quick edit. It's due tomorrow after a week extension...I have another paper due on Sunday, too. This whole "spring break" is just a more accurate way to give me an excuse to skip all my classes. Three more weeks of early mornings, and then I am a free-ish woman. I'll be going to Germany soon...which scares me. I also have this 10k coming up unbelievably fast and I am out of shape again...
It's weird how one little shift can change my outlook on things. I was really looking forward to Germany for so many reasons, but one reason in particular took a really big change recently. I think it scares me now because I have been looking forward to things being a particular way when I got there, but it is all different now. My whole head is messed up about it. My whole outlook really changed and I have 40 some days to come to terms with it and accept my summer there without...that. I've loved Germany for so long and the fact that this is really messing me up scares me even more than the change itself. Life just gets so complicated.
Running has been severely affected by smoking. It's not quite a 'habit' yet, but I can feel it becoming a problem. I should stop, at least until the run, but sometimes it's just so difficult, especially driving in my car. Tomorrow I'll try running again, but I also have to check on all my cats so that will take up a chunk of my day. I'm watching Karissa's two cats, Helix and Nemo, while she is in Texas for Spring Break, and I'm also checking up on Cobbler, who I love, but she's so skinny lately it kind of worries me. I also have my doubts as to whether Baruch will let my mom have her back again, but I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Tomorrow begins my three week stretch of working with no days off. I find that kind of unbelievable...but I guess that's actually how it's going to go. I'm thankful I found someone to sublet my apartment (and she's going to use my bed, so that's one less hassle I have to go through before flying back to my Lieblingsort...)
Tomorrow: running, paper, cats, working, cats, watching disney movies auf deutsch/reading, sleeping.
Friday: running, biking (?!), working, disney movies/reading
Saturday: working, running, working on my paper, working
Sunday: church with Grandma, brunch with Grandma and Mom, working
Monday: class, running, office hours, German class, movies, sleep
Tuesday: clinicals, working, sleep.
Wednesday: classes, running, watching movies for school (!?)
Thursday: clinicals, working, sleep
Friday: clinicals, sleep (running?)
Saturday: working, school work, working sleep
Sunday: working, school work, working, movies sleep
Monday: class, office hours, German class, movies, sleep
Tuesday: clinicals, working, sleep
Wednesday: classes, school movies/quizzes
Thursday: clinicals, working, sleep
Friday: sleep, school work, working
Saturday: working, school work, bar crawl
Sunday: Running 10k, working
And in between all those times I need to find time to: take care of the cats (only until this weekend), visit my mother, pay the bills, respond to e-mails, take quizzes, eat and run. Also, proben for the theatre stück am 6. Mai are starting next week...I'm not sure how much of a time suck that will be but I need to figure in time for that, too. My goodness my life is crazy, but this helped me get organized at least!
okay, time to sleep (and sleep in tomorrow!) until I need to edit my paper one final time, print it out, and turn it in before checking on those darn cats. gute nacht alle :)
It's weird how one little shift can change my outlook on things. I was really looking forward to Germany for so many reasons, but one reason in particular took a really big change recently. I think it scares me now because I have been looking forward to things being a particular way when I got there, but it is all different now. My whole head is messed up about it. My whole outlook really changed and I have 40 some days to come to terms with it and accept my summer there without...that. I've loved Germany for so long and the fact that this is really messing me up scares me even more than the change itself. Life just gets so complicated.
Running has been severely affected by smoking. It's not quite a 'habit' yet, but I can feel it becoming a problem. I should stop, at least until the run, but sometimes it's just so difficult, especially driving in my car. Tomorrow I'll try running again, but I also have to check on all my cats so that will take up a chunk of my day. I'm watching Karissa's two cats, Helix and Nemo, while she is in Texas for Spring Break, and I'm also checking up on Cobbler, who I love, but she's so skinny lately it kind of worries me. I also have my doubts as to whether Baruch will let my mom have her back again, but I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Tomorrow begins my three week stretch of working with no days off. I find that kind of unbelievable...but I guess that's actually how it's going to go. I'm thankful I found someone to sublet my apartment (and she's going to use my bed, so that's one less hassle I have to go through before flying back to my Lieblingsort...)
Tomorrow: running, paper, cats, working, cats, watching disney movies auf deutsch/reading, sleeping.
Friday: running, biking (?!), working, disney movies/reading
Saturday: working, running, working on my paper, working
Sunday: church with Grandma, brunch with Grandma and Mom, working
Monday: class, running, office hours, German class, movies, sleep
Tuesday: clinicals, working, sleep.
Wednesday: classes, running, watching movies for school (!?)
Thursday: clinicals, working, sleep
Friday: clinicals, sleep (running?)
Saturday: working, school work, working sleep
Sunday: working, school work, working, movies sleep
Monday: class, office hours, German class, movies, sleep
Tuesday: clinicals, working, sleep
Wednesday: classes, school movies/quizzes
Thursday: clinicals, working, sleep
Friday: sleep, school work, working
Saturday: working, school work, bar crawl
Sunday: Running 10k, working
And in between all those times I need to find time to: take care of the cats (only until this weekend), visit my mother, pay the bills, respond to e-mails, take quizzes, eat and run. Also, proben for the theatre stück am 6. Mai are starting next week...I'm not sure how much of a time suck that will be but I need to figure in time for that, too. My goodness my life is crazy, but this helped me get organized at least!
okay, time to sleep (and sleep in tomorrow!) until I need to edit my paper one final time, print it out, and turn it in before checking on those darn cats. gute nacht alle :)
Monday, March 18, 2013
whiny but not quite as self-loathing post
I don't even know where to begin. I just feel so many things and think so many things and experience the same things over and over again and feel like I'm drowning.
Last week Maja was here--it was a blast. It was great to see her and spend time not doing so much stuff for school. I managed to get an A on a test while she was here so that was pretty awesome too. It was a nice change to being so lonely all the time. I know this sounds whiny and depressing but honestly I feel so alone lately. I think that if I had a better support system where I didn't feel like I was burdening everyone I talked to, I would probably handle this situation a lot better (this situation being the mom thing among other various challenges that are compounded by that). I don't like burdening people, I like taking care of them and helping them with their problems; I think I come out of my comfort zone when that role reverses itself.
So here's the lowdown on being alone:
I feel like for some reason, everyone I know has gotten into a relationship or has someone to turn to. In some ways, I feel this horrible sense of abandonment at a really difficult time in my life. It extends to leaving Germany, it extends to my best friends having significant others, it extends to my dad finding a girlfriend, it extends to my mom being sick, it extends to just everyone who has left me here, feeling sad, and alone, and me not wanting to ask for help because I am genuinely happy for their happiness. I don't want to bring them down! And seriously, this whole situation is so fucked up and sad and I wouldn't know how to process this information if someone I wasn't best friends with tried to confide some of this stuff to me. I also feel like there's so much pressure on me to not let myself and others down, but who is there to not let me down? You know? I feel like almost everyone has let me down in some way or another, of no fault of their own. I don't even expect things out of people, but I get hopeful that someone will contact me and ask me how I am, or that someone will just show an ounce of interest in me. It's just a hope, it's not an expectation, I'm not angry, I'm just sad that I feel forgotten somehow. Down in the cracks of everyone else's life, them knowing that I'm strong enough to deal with this. Which I am, but it would be nice to have steady support. Sarah is always there for me, but even she leaves and she has a boyfriend and I don't want to burden her more. I feel like I'm letting down people who know me as this happy party going person. I feel like I'm letting down people who think I'm a good student (I'm not getting good grades). I feel like I'm letting down people who think I'm a great daughter by fleeing to Germany this summer. I feel like I'm letting down myself for wanting to retreat to a time where things weren't so difficult and by knowing that it will never be the same no matter if I go back to Bonn or not. That time of my life is gone, and it's so hard sometimes to accept that. It's just so, so so hard.
Today I went to visit my mom in between classes and more classes and office hours. She was sick. My mom was sick. It's amazing how quickly things can get bad for her. I'm worried--she can't have chemo when she's sick like this, or when her blood counts are low (which they've been for a few weeks now) and if she doesn't have chemo, she'll die. She'll die. That is what her doctor told us, that "not getting chemo is the greatest threat to her life." What if she dies unexpectedly while I'm in Germany? And this whole apartment thing...so many levels of a bad idea. I can see my summer going in an even worse and more lonely direction than my life here. I hate that my last carefree and happy memories involve something so impossible. And at the same time it would be so convenient and an opportunity for so much good.
Anyway, I'm just so worried about my mom. I'm worried about her mentally, about her physically, emotionally. I'm so drained from seeing her sick like this. When it's not one thing, it's another thing, it's another hurdle to overcome, it's another thing to juggle, it's another time I have to reassure her that it's okay, it's another time I have to see her so sick and helpless and scared. I hate lying---I want to believe every word I tell her and others about how she's going to be okay, I want to believe these things that come out of my mouth, I want to be strong and stop weeping all the time. I want to stop having to run to the bathroom to stop crying, I want to stop having to think about her every time I hear about cancer (which happens EVERY DAY when you're a nursing student). I want to get through this!
I had my doula class this weekend--I am so sure that this is the profession for me. I'm so willing and happy when I see people who need help. I'm so full of love and hope for these families, and so happy. Just so, so so happy. At the same time, I'm scared that I will never share this experience. I'm scared that my life is so scary and untouchable for people that I will be alone. I feel like I've gotten to a point of desperation when my dad sends me text messages about how I should get set up with someone from the hospital. When even he is concerned about how alone I've been for so long. Guess that's just one more red flag in the line of "becca's going to die alone" warning signs.
I realize this whole post is just really messed up, scary, alienating, and getting published publicly online, but somehow I take comfort that I can just write this, not know who reads it, and use it as kind of just a call for help. Not in the way that I need so many more people asking me superficially how my mom is, but just being a little understanding that I am going through a LOT right now. Just...a lot. In fact--I discourage this; I don't like giving half problem stories to people. There is so much going on, the "how are you?" question becomes so loaded. I don't need more time commitments, coffee dates...I barely have time to breathe anyway...I don't know what kind of help I need, but this is a good first step toward getting that for myself, I feel. Attention? I don't know. Also, I've taken to watching TV shows where people are there for each other--How I Met Your Mother and Friends being good examples. It gives me hope in people in a way that is really hard to explain. I've really gotten myself into a conundrum. I wouldn't know where to begin with myself if I were reading this, and for that I apologize.
This time last year I was having the time of my life with the greatest people on earth. It's so amazing how quickly life comes at you...
Last week Maja was here--it was a blast. It was great to see her and spend time not doing so much stuff for school. I managed to get an A on a test while she was here so that was pretty awesome too. It was a nice change to being so lonely all the time. I know this sounds whiny and depressing but honestly I feel so alone lately. I think that if I had a better support system where I didn't feel like I was burdening everyone I talked to, I would probably handle this situation a lot better (this situation being the mom thing among other various challenges that are compounded by that). I don't like burdening people, I like taking care of them and helping them with their problems; I think I come out of my comfort zone when that role reverses itself.
So here's the lowdown on being alone:
I feel like for some reason, everyone I know has gotten into a relationship or has someone to turn to. In some ways, I feel this horrible sense of abandonment at a really difficult time in my life. It extends to leaving Germany, it extends to my best friends having significant others, it extends to my dad finding a girlfriend, it extends to my mom being sick, it extends to just everyone who has left me here, feeling sad, and alone, and me not wanting to ask for help because I am genuinely happy for their happiness. I don't want to bring them down! And seriously, this whole situation is so fucked up and sad and I wouldn't know how to process this information if someone I wasn't best friends with tried to confide some of this stuff to me. I also feel like there's so much pressure on me to not let myself and others down, but who is there to not let me down? You know? I feel like almost everyone has let me down in some way or another, of no fault of their own. I don't even expect things out of people, but I get hopeful that someone will contact me and ask me how I am, or that someone will just show an ounce of interest in me. It's just a hope, it's not an expectation, I'm not angry, I'm just sad that I feel forgotten somehow. Down in the cracks of everyone else's life, them knowing that I'm strong enough to deal with this. Which I am, but it would be nice to have steady support. Sarah is always there for me, but even she leaves and she has a boyfriend and I don't want to burden her more. I feel like I'm letting down people who know me as this happy party going person. I feel like I'm letting down people who think I'm a good student (I'm not getting good grades). I feel like I'm letting down people who think I'm a great daughter by fleeing to Germany this summer. I feel like I'm letting down myself for wanting to retreat to a time where things weren't so difficult and by knowing that it will never be the same no matter if I go back to Bonn or not. That time of my life is gone, and it's so hard sometimes to accept that. It's just so, so so hard.
Today I went to visit my mom in between classes and more classes and office hours. She was sick. My mom was sick. It's amazing how quickly things can get bad for her. I'm worried--she can't have chemo when she's sick like this, or when her blood counts are low (which they've been for a few weeks now) and if she doesn't have chemo, she'll die. She'll die. That is what her doctor told us, that "not getting chemo is the greatest threat to her life." What if she dies unexpectedly while I'm in Germany? And this whole apartment thing...so many levels of a bad idea. I can see my summer going in an even worse and more lonely direction than my life here. I hate that my last carefree and happy memories involve something so impossible. And at the same time it would be so convenient and an opportunity for so much good.
Anyway, I'm just so worried about my mom. I'm worried about her mentally, about her physically, emotionally. I'm so drained from seeing her sick like this. When it's not one thing, it's another thing, it's another hurdle to overcome, it's another thing to juggle, it's another time I have to reassure her that it's okay, it's another time I have to see her so sick and helpless and scared. I hate lying---I want to believe every word I tell her and others about how she's going to be okay, I want to believe these things that come out of my mouth, I want to be strong and stop weeping all the time. I want to stop having to run to the bathroom to stop crying, I want to stop having to think about her every time I hear about cancer (which happens EVERY DAY when you're a nursing student). I want to get through this!
I had my doula class this weekend--I am so sure that this is the profession for me. I'm so willing and happy when I see people who need help. I'm so full of love and hope for these families, and so happy. Just so, so so happy. At the same time, I'm scared that I will never share this experience. I'm scared that my life is so scary and untouchable for people that I will be alone. I feel like I've gotten to a point of desperation when my dad sends me text messages about how I should get set up with someone from the hospital. When even he is concerned about how alone I've been for so long. Guess that's just one more red flag in the line of "becca's going to die alone" warning signs.
I realize this whole post is just really messed up, scary, alienating, and getting published publicly online, but somehow I take comfort that I can just write this, not know who reads it, and use it as kind of just a call for help. Not in the way that I need so many more people asking me superficially how my mom is, but just being a little understanding that I am going through a LOT right now. Just...a lot. In fact--I discourage this; I don't like giving half problem stories to people. There is so much going on, the "how are you?" question becomes so loaded. I don't need more time commitments, coffee dates...I barely have time to breathe anyway...I don't know what kind of help I need, but this is a good first step toward getting that for myself, I feel. Attention? I don't know. Also, I've taken to watching TV shows where people are there for each other--How I Met Your Mother and Friends being good examples. It gives me hope in people in a way that is really hard to explain. I've really gotten myself into a conundrum. I wouldn't know where to begin with myself if I were reading this, and for that I apologize.
This time last year I was having the time of my life with the greatest people on earth. It's so amazing how quickly life comes at you...
Monday, February 18, 2013
freeeeeeeeeeeezing
stressed out as usual. feel like this is an important part in my life to document but just have no energy for much other than the fundamental things that need to be done. which, occasionally, includes going out with my friends. i'm so tired but just don't want to sleep. i value this alone time at night so much i don't like it to end.
i'm slowly trying to work toward my goals, this includes ending my sloth like tendencies and replacing them with 'fleißig' like tendencies, like always volunteering to get things for people and get out of my chair as much as possible. and drinking coffee. i'm officially addicted to caffeine now, so that's cool.
i'm looking forward to maja coming in just 10.5 short days. sometimes i think about it and just smile because it's so geil that she'll be here! even though i won't really be able to entertain her too much. sadly.
i guess a recurrent thought in my head lately has been this preoccupation with how when girls are aloof, boys are so attracted. as soon as they become used to the attention and begin having feelings for this pursuer, he backs off. why is this? i feel like this almost universally true...i understand the idea of the chase but fuuuuuuck me it's hard for me to follow these policies. not getting attached to someone who is adorable to you and then kind of leaves you high and dry is hard. not that there are any love interests in my life right now...
that's another weird part of my life. usually i at least have someone to gush about and have a crush on. now i have nooooo one! it's liberating in a really lonely way. it's especially hard with this mom shit, but it's been great to get out of the box and hang out with new people and people that i probably wouldn't make such an effort for if i had a boyfriend. it's really nice to realize that there are many people out there that care about me and my family, even if i don't have that one that i can always count on. it's like a safety net rather than a safety ladder. gotta stay positive.
nursing is amazing. i love taking care of people and getting to know them and what helps and hinders them. i love feeling like i'm actually making a difference in one person's life...just like i always thought about in high school. you can't change the world, but you can change one person's world. it's a lot of responsibility, and it's so fulfilling. it's like...selfish somehow because maybe i just do it to make me happy...but is that a thing? that's like how i love giving people things because i like seeing them happy. does that qualify as selfish? sometimes i want them to remember me and i get disappointed in people when they don't reciprocate such things, but i guess that just comes with the territory. i think this is what is qualified as 'a pushover.'
alright, time to try to fall asleep in my freezing cold bed. i can't feel my toes and i'm constantly stiff from freezing. i hate this part of the winter, when i just want it to end. may can't come fast enough, but somehow now i feel like i'm dreading it because my family is secretly judging me and i have things about my way of life in germany that i'd like to change...seems unlikely that it will change but i'll be damned if i ruin a summer abroad over some dumb emotions.
ich danke euch für ihre Geduld, ich sage so viele Sachen so selten und ich fühle mich, als ob die Sachen eine Zusammenhang fehlen.
ich hab nie mal das Gefühl, dass ich nicht mehr kann aber ich bin manchmal überfordert mit meiner Situation hier...ich weiß manchmal nicht was nach A, B, C kommen sollte. ich weiß nicht wie ich meine Gedanken äußern soll also am Ende bin ich hier gelandet. keine ahnung.
bis dann, leute.
i'm slowly trying to work toward my goals, this includes ending my sloth like tendencies and replacing them with 'fleißig' like tendencies, like always volunteering to get things for people and get out of my chair as much as possible. and drinking coffee. i'm officially addicted to caffeine now, so that's cool.
i'm looking forward to maja coming in just 10.5 short days. sometimes i think about it and just smile because it's so geil that she'll be here! even though i won't really be able to entertain her too much. sadly.
i guess a recurrent thought in my head lately has been this preoccupation with how when girls are aloof, boys are so attracted. as soon as they become used to the attention and begin having feelings for this pursuer, he backs off. why is this? i feel like this almost universally true...i understand the idea of the chase but fuuuuuuck me it's hard for me to follow these policies. not getting attached to someone who is adorable to you and then kind of leaves you high and dry is hard. not that there are any love interests in my life right now...
that's another weird part of my life. usually i at least have someone to gush about and have a crush on. now i have nooooo one! it's liberating in a really lonely way. it's especially hard with this mom shit, but it's been great to get out of the box and hang out with new people and people that i probably wouldn't make such an effort for if i had a boyfriend. it's really nice to realize that there are many people out there that care about me and my family, even if i don't have that one that i can always count on. it's like a safety net rather than a safety ladder. gotta stay positive.
nursing is amazing. i love taking care of people and getting to know them and what helps and hinders them. i love feeling like i'm actually making a difference in one person's life...just like i always thought about in high school. you can't change the world, but you can change one person's world. it's a lot of responsibility, and it's so fulfilling. it's like...selfish somehow because maybe i just do it to make me happy...but is that a thing? that's like how i love giving people things because i like seeing them happy. does that qualify as selfish? sometimes i want them to remember me and i get disappointed in people when they don't reciprocate such things, but i guess that just comes with the territory. i think this is what is qualified as 'a pushover.'
alright, time to try to fall asleep in my freezing cold bed. i can't feel my toes and i'm constantly stiff from freezing. i hate this part of the winter, when i just want it to end. may can't come fast enough, but somehow now i feel like i'm dreading it because my family is secretly judging me and i have things about my way of life in germany that i'd like to change...seems unlikely that it will change but i'll be damned if i ruin a summer abroad over some dumb emotions.
ich danke euch für ihre Geduld, ich sage so viele Sachen so selten und ich fühle mich, als ob die Sachen eine Zusammenhang fehlen.
ich hab nie mal das Gefühl, dass ich nicht mehr kann aber ich bin manchmal überfordert mit meiner Situation hier...ich weiß manchmal nicht was nach A, B, C kommen sollte. ich weiß nicht wie ich meine Gedanken äußern soll also am Ende bin ich hier gelandet. keine ahnung.
bis dann, leute.
Friday, January 4, 2013
2012: listomania
I know I'm slacking because it's already 2013, but give me a break, alright!?!
best:
songs:
1. Call Me Maybe-Carly Rae Jepsen
2. Whistle-Flo Rida
3. Tage Wie Diese-Die Toten Hosen
4. My Heart Will Go On-Celine Dion
5. Easy-CRo
6. Wie Es Geht-Die Ärzte
7. Levels-Avicii
8. Hey Ho-The Lumineers
9. One Day/Reckoning Song- Asaf Avidan & The Mojos
10. Back In Time-Pitbull
(11. Ai se tu pego)
life changers:
1. Studying abroad.
2. Mom having cancer.
3. Auschwitz.
4. Working at Oakwood.
5. Going BACK to Germany.
6. New Friends (and the old ones, too).
7. Nursing School.
8. QUITTING WOODMAN'S!
9. Deciding to get an internship in Cologne next summer.
goals:
1. Stay on top of things.
2. Cut down on the smoking.
3. Lose weight. As always.
4. Stop feeling sorry for myself.
5. Find a man. Honestly.
6. Stop focusing on what I don't have. (see 5)
7. Get better at my job (not the compassion side, but the speed/skills end of the equation).
8. Travel.
9. Read more.
10. Spend less time on Facebook.
on a typical day, you'd find becca...
1. in bonn. or bummed as hell that she wasn't there.
2. on facebook.
3. grazing on cheese and crackers.
4. working her ass off at school/work/work.
5. visiting the hospital.
6. playing on her phone.
7. on skype.
8. complaining.
9. doing the dishes.
10. well, if it was a weekend, hungover.
read:
1. wenn gefährliche hunde lachen
2. der prozess
3. feuchtgebiete
4. the hunger games trilogy
5. mindy kaling's book
6. 50 shades
7. nursing stuff.
8. bbc app
9. letters from europeans/australian
10. seltsame sterne starren zur erde
lived:
1. langdon st
2. jasmine drive
3. numerous hostels
4. sternenburg straße
5. goetheallee
6. jasmine drive
7. monroe st
gastronomie:
1. brotchen
2. eis
3. mensa essen
4. cheese and crackers
5. salad bar at UW hospital
6. apples and peanut butter
7. chocolate
8. italian food in italy, french food in france, spanish food in spain, greek food in greece (!)
9. culver's
10. alcohol! (kölsch, bitburger, jack daniels, moscato, 1.99 Euro edeka wein, sangria, cosmos)
movies:
1. les miserables
2. ted
3. the avengers (best night of the year)
4. the dark knight rises
5. skyfall
6. titanic 3D
7. the hunger games
8. american pie 30493/project x (equally awful)
9. the hobbit (based on experience alone)
10. kein ohr hasen/vincent will meer
shows:
1. HIMYM
2. Mad Men
3. Fraiser
4. Glee
5. The Daily Show
best:
1. Crete! (incretable!)
2. LIVING IN BONN
3. Weekend in Münster
4. Summer house in Finland (Saunas!)
5. going to the top of the Eiffel Tower (finally!)
6. blind booking to Romania (castles!)
7. hanging out with Sarah in Barcelona
8. walking across the bridge to Beuel at sunrise
9. seeing the Sistine Chapel/pretty much all of rome
10. feeling like i made a difference in someone's life at the hospital this semester
(And so many others, this year was incredible)
worst:
1. Mom. Terrible. Takes up the whole list.
worst:
1. Mom. Terrible. Takes up the whole list.
lessons learned:
1. Live in the moment. (even though it can be pretty hard at times)
2. Remember how lucky you are.
3. Don't take for granted your friends, health, or family.
4. There will be worse days.
5. Nothing gold can stay. (I feel like I've learned this one before but a little refresher was nice).
6. Take the opportunities that are presented to you, don't pass things up!
7. "Alle zum Bahnhof," "Nicht im Offen," und "Ich bin nicht gut in Kirschen essen" are not actually German phrases.
8. There are more important things than school! Really!
9. Some people will always be there for you, others won't, and you can't pick and choose. Accept the love you receive.
10. Nostalgia only takes you so so far.
songs:
1. Call Me Maybe-Carly Rae Jepsen
2. Whistle-Flo Rida
3. Tage Wie Diese-Die Toten Hosen
4. My Heart Will Go On-Celine Dion
5. Easy-CRo
6. Wie Es Geht-Die Ärzte
7. Levels-Avicii
8. Hey Ho-The Lumineers
9. One Day/Reckoning Song- Asaf Avidan & The Mojos
10. Back In Time-Pitbull
(11. Ai se tu pego)
life changers:
1. Studying abroad.
2. Mom having cancer.
3. Auschwitz.
4. Working at Oakwood.
5. Going BACK to Germany.
6. New Friends (and the old ones, too).
7. Nursing School.
8. QUITTING WOODMAN'S!
9. Deciding to get an internship in Cologne next summer.
goals:
1. Stay on top of things.
2. Cut down on the smoking.
3. Lose weight. As always.
4. Stop feeling sorry for myself.
5. Find a man. Honestly.
6. Stop focusing on what I don't have. (see 5)
7. Get better at my job (not the compassion side, but the speed/skills end of the equation).
8. Travel.
9. Read more.
10. Spend less time on Facebook.
on a typical day, you'd find becca...
1. in bonn. or bummed as hell that she wasn't there.
2. on facebook.
3. grazing on cheese and crackers.
4. working her ass off at school/work/work.
5. visiting the hospital.
6. playing on her phone.
7. on skype.
8. complaining.
9. doing the dishes.
10. well, if it was a weekend, hungover.
read:
1. wenn gefährliche hunde lachen
2. der prozess
3. feuchtgebiete
4. the hunger games trilogy
5. mindy kaling's book
6. 50 shades
7. nursing stuff.
8. bbc app
9. letters from europeans/australian
10. seltsame sterne starren zur erde
lived:
1. langdon st
2. jasmine drive
3. numerous hostels
4. sternenburg straße
5. goetheallee
6. jasmine drive
7. monroe st
gastronomie:
1. brotchen
2. eis
3. mensa essen
4. cheese and crackers
5. salad bar at UW hospital
6. apples and peanut butter
7. chocolate
8. italian food in italy, french food in france, spanish food in spain, greek food in greece (!)
9. culver's
10. alcohol! (kölsch, bitburger, jack daniels, moscato, 1.99 Euro edeka wein, sangria, cosmos)
movies:
1. les miserables
2. ted
3. the avengers (best night of the year)
4. the dark knight rises
5. skyfall
6. titanic 3D
7. the hunger games
8. american pie 30493/project x (equally awful)
9. the hobbit (based on experience alone)
10. kein ohr hasen/vincent will meer
shows:
1. HIMYM
2. Mad Men
3. Fraiser
4. Glee
5. The Daily Show
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
baggage
Everyone has problems, everyone deals with stuff. Everyone goes to work/school/hang outs with baggage...
I don't like this hierarchy of baggage business. I don't like that people triage their baggage when talking to other people...as if anyone's problems really outweigh someone elses. I feel like on those days where everything runs smoothly for me, I'll always have 'fallback' problems to complain about/worry about: my weight, my lack of boyfriend, my hectic life and my other various insecurities. Everyone, no matter if they were raised in a perfect household or have to deal with an abundance of life's obstacles, everyone has this problem threshold. When the threshold is exceded we end up stressed out, overwhelmed, and crazy. Under that personal threshold and it's all manageable.
I guess in some ways (in many ways) I've been blessed with one of the weirdest childhoods in human history; with having adult responsibilities at a young age. I don't take stuff for granted. I work. I take care of my parents more than they take care of me. But I try my hardest not to complain or make people feel bad about their problems! I know that finding a job is difficult or that that test you bombed might seem like the end of the world (hell, we've all been there, too!) those things are a big deal. Your boyfriend dumping you is still a big deal to me even though my mom is sick. The fact that you're shivering because your heat doesn't work in your apartment also sucks! You finally had to get a job after being cut off from your parents? Lame. Haven't gotten laid in years? Cat just died? That stuff all sucks. That's why I've been trying (unsuccessfully?) just to keep cancer stuff in. No one needs to feel like their big problems are irrelevant or trumped or anything...I just happen to have been dealt a crappy hand of poker. No one needs an extra human to worry about; we've all got shit, we've all got baggage. We might not win this round, but who says we lost the game?
I guess that's the kicker then: the way others deal with it. Nothing is impossible, no challenge too great. Take what life throws at you and throw it right back with as much grace and dignity as was whipped at you. Look on the positive side sometimes, people! You can still play with a bad hand, no need to quit the game just yet.
Monday, November 12, 2012
crumbling
Sometimes I wonder how normal girls in nursing school live. I wonder about those people that wake up in the mornings and shower, put foundation on, and blow dry their hair. I wonder what they think about as they pull on all their winter gear and head out the door to bike to class. I wonder what they think about as they sit there and pay attention without letting their mind wander across an ocean. I wonder what happens at lunch when they chat with all their friends about their school work, their boyfriends, they're super diets to save up the calories for Thanksgiving. I wonder what they do after school, do they go to the library to actually read the assigned chapters? Do they read extra, above and beyond what's required for the quizzes? After studying, do they go home to their friends and boyfriends and do fun things? Do they work sometimes? Do they call their parents? Do they go to the gym?
I feel so alienated from normalcy lately. I feel like I've (surprise surprise) been thrust into that corner of grown-up responsibility compounded by many too many previous responsibilities that just seem to grow like insatiable raccoons hiding in the garbage cans outside my window. Yep, I think they're out there, I hear rustling sometimes. Raccoons, if you're reading, kindly leave our backyard.
When I read back on what I think normal people do, I guess it's not so far from what I do usually, except for the constantly thinking about escaping this place and worrying that I'm going to die or my family is going to die. I feel like my hypochondria is waning lately...replaced with constant worry about my mom. I guess I've never really been confronted by someone dying before. Or possibly dying. I tried to keep that thought at the very, very back of my mind. Tried to keep my chin up. I convinced myself that my mom will survive this, obviously, there's very little risk here. When I hear the risks, I just kind of assume that she'll be in the upward swing of that statistic, that death won't find her after she's run so feistily after all these years. But I guess the truth of the matter is that there is a very real and scary chance that I could lose my mother really soon. That she won't respond very well to the chemo and it will kill her faster than the cancer would have. I don't know how to think of that. I guess it's like trying to imagine a googolplex things...unfathomable basically. I'm not sure how I would take it. I guess the chances of my outliving my mom are pretty reasonable, so I'm not sure how I will take it. I have this grand plan that if that happens, I'm just going to uproot and forget my life here. Just start over. Take it as a sign of being free to do what I want.
I'm so confused and trying to stay strong to show everyone else that it will be okay too. I was doing a great job, and I hope to still be, but is it at the cost of reality? At the cost of accepting my mothers mortality?
I feel so alienated from normalcy lately. I feel like I've (surprise surprise) been thrust into that corner of grown-up responsibility compounded by many too many previous responsibilities that just seem to grow like insatiable raccoons hiding in the garbage cans outside my window. Yep, I think they're out there, I hear rustling sometimes. Raccoons, if you're reading, kindly leave our backyard.
When I read back on what I think normal people do, I guess it's not so far from what I do usually, except for the constantly thinking about escaping this place and worrying that I'm going to die or my family is going to die. I feel like my hypochondria is waning lately...replaced with constant worry about my mom. I guess I've never really been confronted by someone dying before. Or possibly dying. I tried to keep that thought at the very, very back of my mind. Tried to keep my chin up. I convinced myself that my mom will survive this, obviously, there's very little risk here. When I hear the risks, I just kind of assume that she'll be in the upward swing of that statistic, that death won't find her after she's run so feistily after all these years. But I guess the truth of the matter is that there is a very real and scary chance that I could lose my mother really soon. That she won't respond very well to the chemo and it will kill her faster than the cancer would have. I don't know how to think of that. I guess it's like trying to imagine a googolplex things...unfathomable basically. I'm not sure how I would take it. I guess the chances of my outliving my mom are pretty reasonable, so I'm not sure how I will take it. I have this grand plan that if that happens, I'm just going to uproot and forget my life here. Just start over. Take it as a sign of being free to do what I want.
I'm so confused and trying to stay strong to show everyone else that it will be okay too. I was doing a great job, and I hope to still be, but is it at the cost of reality? At the cost of accepting my mothers mortality?
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
procrastination station
It's the last day of November today, but you knew that already. The weather here has been tolerable, considering. It's gotten to that point where the leaves are all dead and too crunchy to jump in, I can't wear anything on my feet without thick socks or fur, and I should be looking forward to a warm, pleasant winter break. Not so this year. I feel a little empty heading into December not having any winter break plans, save for going to colder/drearier places to visit friends before I go to Europe. The caribbean seems so nice. Island music, relaxing on the beach...massages on the beach...!
That's such an overprivileged, disgusting comment.
I've done something really crappy. I've gone AWOL at my lab job. I haven't gone there in weeks, but I just can't bring myself to go or to quit. I feel like I'm in limbo. I never quit jobs. I always let circumstances determine when I have to leave, which is what I was planning on doing when the time came for me to study abroad, but I just can't handle it anymore. The time I used to be in lab I use so much better when I'm not in lab. It's the only social time of my day, I see friends, get coffee. Today I even finished a stats project that's not due for two weeks. So what to do? E-mail and say thanks but no thanks? Just never show my face again? Go there with my tail between my legs and talk to my boss? Procrastinate?
I got an iPad today at the library, checked out for three days. One could say we've gotten close, his name is Fez. I'm buying one for my mom for Christmas, she deserves something nice (and yet...somehow the gifts I give her usually backfire) as well as internet access so she can skype me while I'm away. I figure a tablet will give her less of an opportunity to screw it up (as she has with two other computers) and the limited capabilities won't be so confusing. Hopefully we'll get started on lessons a few weeks before departure so she learns the ins and outs of the beast.
This last bit is for my own personal use...but friends are invited (indeed encouraged) to come with me to any of them!!
General Travel Goals as of 12/1/2011 when I return from Europe (ordered)
1. Nepal/India
2. Peru
3. Japan
4. Thailand
5. China
6. North Africa (Egypt and Morocco. Maybe Tunisia)
7. Pacific Islands
8. Australia
9. Iceland/Northern Europe
10. Bolivia/Chile/Ecuador/Guatemala (after I learn Spanish)
And then, once I get to them all, go back and rediscover in more depth. And find new places.
That is all.
That's such an overprivileged, disgusting comment.
I've done something really crappy. I've gone AWOL at my lab job. I haven't gone there in weeks, but I just can't bring myself to go or to quit. I feel like I'm in limbo. I never quit jobs. I always let circumstances determine when I have to leave, which is what I was planning on doing when the time came for me to study abroad, but I just can't handle it anymore. The time I used to be in lab I use so much better when I'm not in lab. It's the only social time of my day, I see friends, get coffee. Today I even finished a stats project that's not due for two weeks. So what to do? E-mail and say thanks but no thanks? Just never show my face again? Go there with my tail between my legs and talk to my boss? Procrastinate?
I got an iPad today at the library, checked out for three days. One could say we've gotten close, his name is Fez. I'm buying one for my mom for Christmas, she deserves something nice (and yet...somehow the gifts I give her usually backfire) as well as internet access so she can skype me while I'm away. I figure a tablet will give her less of an opportunity to screw it up (as she has with two other computers) and the limited capabilities won't be so confusing. Hopefully we'll get started on lessons a few weeks before departure so she learns the ins and outs of the beast.
This last bit is for my own personal use...but friends are invited (indeed encouraged) to come with me to any of them!!
General Travel Goals as of 12/1/2011 when I return from Europe (ordered)
1. Nepal/India
2. Peru
3. Japan
4. Thailand
5. China
6. North Africa (Egypt and Morocco. Maybe Tunisia)
7. Pacific Islands
8. Australia
9. Iceland/Northern Europe
10. Bolivia/Chile/Ecuador/Guatemala (after I learn Spanish)
And then, once I get to them all, go back and rediscover in more depth. And find new places.
That is all.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Franz, Pineapple Upsidedown Cake, and Maxwell Street Days
After a scary weekend and a hectic week, I'm looking forward to this weekend. Well, at least Friday night after Woodman's through Sunday afternoon. Working on Friday nights at Woodman's is always a little depressing, but hopefully it won't be too awful because I think I'm scheduled to stock, so that won't be too bad.
Tomorrow is Maxwell Street Days, I'm pretty excited because I feel like I need new clothes, or at least to change out the clothes I have now. I just feel like I'm ready for a change, a big change. It's weird to me because I feel like I've really started looking on the positive ends of things and thinking more positively about myself and my world, which is huge for me. I think I've really always been one of those Debbie Downers, and what's helped me is just this newly found knowing-what-kinds-of-things-inspire-negativity-in-me acumen. I like avoiding them. It's healthier for me in the long run and the distance is doing me good.
Although...I must admit I do miss humans. It's gotten kind of lonely these past couple days, hopefully the weekend will clear that up. My mom and I have gotten pretty close though, so that's interesting. I actually answer like 4 of her texts a day now. We baked a couple pineapple upside down cakes yesterday, well, she baked them really, let's be honest. And then she sent an ENTIRE cake home with me to my apartment. It magically disappeared within like 18 hours. (jason?)
And, summer class started. It's nice because I feel like my life has this weird, easy purpose from 1-3:30 Mondays through Thursdays. It's nice although the lecture is exceedingly boring and I really don't need that class to fulfill any requirements. Whatever. Something to do.
For the fall, I've already started reading the books for my German lit class, (Kafka). I'm about 1/4 of the way through The Trial and it's so bizarre. It's like...1984 mixed with The Metamorphosis. Kafka is strange, for instead of thinking that I want to kill myself because life is pointless, all I can think is, why the hell was this guy thinking this? what is the point of this thought pattern about futility? I think that reasoning may get me in trouble come fall but I guess we'll see.
The weather here has been absolutely amazing. (Just to throw a completely random curve ball out there to y'all). The sky, always cut off by silhouettes of buildings, has had some really amazing clouds and colors, especially at sunset. Hopefully if I go to Devil's Lake this weekend I'll be able to see the stars!! I'm scared for the weekend though, supposed to be a heat wave (heat wave, heat wave). Actually it'll probably be more like a humidity wave. Wait a tick...that'd just be a regular wave, right?
Tomorrow is Maxwell Street Days, I'm pretty excited because I feel like I need new clothes, or at least to change out the clothes I have now. I just feel like I'm ready for a change, a big change. It's weird to me because I feel like I've really started looking on the positive ends of things and thinking more positively about myself and my world, which is huge for me. I think I've really always been one of those Debbie Downers, and what's helped me is just this newly found knowing-what-kinds-of-things-inspire-negativity-in-me acumen. I like avoiding them. It's healthier for me in the long run and the distance is doing me good.
Although...I must admit I do miss humans. It's gotten kind of lonely these past couple days, hopefully the weekend will clear that up. My mom and I have gotten pretty close though, so that's interesting. I actually answer like 4 of her texts a day now. We baked a couple pineapple upside down cakes yesterday, well, she baked them really, let's be honest. And then she sent an ENTIRE cake home with me to my apartment. It magically disappeared within like 18 hours. (jason?)
And, summer class started. It's nice because I feel like my life has this weird, easy purpose from 1-3:30 Mondays through Thursdays. It's nice although the lecture is exceedingly boring and I really don't need that class to fulfill any requirements. Whatever. Something to do.
For the fall, I've already started reading the books for my German lit class, (Kafka). I'm about 1/4 of the way through The Trial and it's so bizarre. It's like...1984 mixed with The Metamorphosis. Kafka is strange, for instead of thinking that I want to kill myself because life is pointless, all I can think is, why the hell was this guy thinking this? what is the point of this thought pattern about futility? I think that reasoning may get me in trouble come fall but I guess we'll see.
The weather here has been absolutely amazing. (Just to throw a completely random curve ball out there to y'all). The sky, always cut off by silhouettes of buildings, has had some really amazing clouds and colors, especially at sunset. Hopefully if I go to Devil's Lake this weekend I'll be able to see the stars!! I'm scared for the weekend though, supposed to be a heat wave (heat wave, heat wave). Actually it'll probably be more like a humidity wave. Wait a tick...that'd just be a regular wave, right?
Friday, July 8, 2011
strength
when i can't be strong and responsible anymore, who will be? who will tell my parents and my family that things will be okay? who will tell me that things will be okay? how will i keep myself occupied and feeling like i'm worth something to someone (even if that someone is me)? who will clean up little messes silently?
i feel like i've been through so many of these bad-news type situations, i just brace myself for bad news every time i talk to someone. i think it's some sort of defense mechanism that started when i was very young when my mother would regularly have to go into the hospital. i remember always thinking, 'please let it not be her, please let it not be her.' and for the past few years, i've been blessed with having to worry about her very little, she's been stable and save for the occasional slip-up pretty with-it. i still have that though, every time the phone rings and it's a family member or a random number all i think is, 'please let it not be her.' and lately i've extended the 'her' to every other person out there that i love because it seems like everywhere i look something is going wrong with my family and loved ones.
there have been few times in my life where the bad news was really, really bad. like, the person i love might not survive bad. but that news is the hardest, the kind of news where you have to prevent yourself from falling down by locking your knees with every muscle in your body. the kind of news where tears just start streaming and you can't do anything about it. the sinking feeling you get when someone says, "Now Rebecca, don't freak out but..."
i feel like i've been through so many of these bad-news type situations, i just brace myself for bad news every time i talk to someone. i think it's some sort of defense mechanism that started when i was very young when my mother would regularly have to go into the hospital. i remember always thinking, 'please let it not be her, please let it not be her.' and for the past few years, i've been blessed with having to worry about her very little, she's been stable and save for the occasional slip-up pretty with-it. i still have that though, every time the phone rings and it's a family member or a random number all i think is, 'please let it not be her.' and lately i've extended the 'her' to every other person out there that i love because it seems like everywhere i look something is going wrong with my family and loved ones.
there have been few times in my life where the bad news was really, really bad. like, the person i love might not survive bad. but that news is the hardest, the kind of news where you have to prevent yourself from falling down by locking your knees with every muscle in your body. the kind of news where tears just start streaming and you can't do anything about it. the sinking feeling you get when someone says, "Now Rebecca, don't freak out but..."
Sunday, February 20, 2011
i think a change would do you good
oh the sleep!
It's incredible being able to sleep. Something I will never take for granted again! And I can do 6 or 7 hours of intense sleep and be good to go for like 14 hours! It's nuts. Never thought I'd sleep without waking up in the middle of the night again, but it has happened.
Anyway. I've had the most unproductive weekend of my life, but I don't feel like there is that much to do so it is manageable. Today I'm going to work at the lab in the morning, laundry in the afternoon, and homework in the evening.
Everything in my life is changing right now. I feel like I'm in this weird transitory phase before something happens. Or I'm ready for something to be permanently life changingly different.
Yesterday Connie and I rearranged the living room, which looks fantastic now. I bought a "Keep Calm and Carry On" poster, because I always feel like I need a reminder to do so and I am also incredibly fascinated with the history behind it. The protest up at the capitol also is shaking because should this bill pass or not, something big in Wisconsin history is happening, and it will directly affect (effect?) people that I know and talk to on a regular basis. In other news, my mom got a job as an alterationist, which will hopefully be good for her.
Point being, as Aarushi so poignantly said on the radio on Friday, "change is constant," which is incredibly true when you think about it.
So, onto another day.
It's incredible being able to sleep. Something I will never take for granted again! And I can do 6 or 7 hours of intense sleep and be good to go for like 14 hours! It's nuts. Never thought I'd sleep without waking up in the middle of the night again, but it has happened.
Anyway. I've had the most unproductive weekend of my life, but I don't feel like there is that much to do so it is manageable. Today I'm going to work at the lab in the morning, laundry in the afternoon, and homework in the evening.
Everything in my life is changing right now. I feel like I'm in this weird transitory phase before something happens. Or I'm ready for something to be permanently life changingly different.
Yesterday Connie and I rearranged the living room, which looks fantastic now. I bought a "Keep Calm and Carry On" poster, because I always feel like I need a reminder to do so and I am also incredibly fascinated with the history behind it. The protest up at the capitol also is shaking because should this bill pass or not, something big in Wisconsin history is happening, and it will directly affect (effect?) people that I know and talk to on a regular basis. In other news, my mom got a job as an alterationist, which will hopefully be good for her.
Point being, as Aarushi so poignantly said on the radio on Friday, "change is constant," which is incredibly true when you think about it.
So, onto another day.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
everything looks perfect from far away
Like watching Manhattan [highly recommend, by the way]. New York looks shiny and beautiful, and I've been thinking about moving seriously now for a while. But I will never move to New York. New York is not the shiny wide-screened beautiful place it lays claim to be in romantic movies, rather it's a city like any other, but more expensive and with more crime. And all that romantic, big city, 'these lights will inspire you' notion I have will just get crushed if I move there. But Boston looks nice...
It's crazy because I have so little time left here, and time is moving so fast. I have ten months left, broken up as follows: after I get back from Kenya (hopefully, if all works out with CNA), I'll have six months to enjoy the city I love before either leaving, or committing to be here for life, practically. And I have to make that decision before I leave for Germany! So I basically have one year to figure out my life. I wonder if time will continue to pass this incredibly fast in the future.
This week has been great. I've been so busy and I'm loving it...but I still feel a very distinct emptiness where homework should reside. I constantly feel like I'm forgetting something but I think it's just the absence of an extra four credits and one extremely ridiculous Biology class. Thank goodness that's over with.
There are other things in my life that need to be done too. I've been looking so positively at the world lately, I've been doing so well. I've gotten comments from certain parents concerning their lack of faith in me, or how I'm a horrible person but I've just brushed them off. And despite these criticisms, I continue to call said parent bi-daily and be friendly. I'm doing well for myself and I've found something that I really want to do with my life. Perhaps I've outgrown frustration.
In other news, I made a great pun today. We were discussing temperature in my Physiology Lab and we were in a bit of an argument, so I called over the TA and said, "we're having a heated debate about this..."
It was awesome. And I'm crediting Myriah with this one, "Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? All that was left was da Brie."
It's crazy because I have so little time left here, and time is moving so fast. I have ten months left, broken up as follows: after I get back from Kenya (hopefully, if all works out with CNA), I'll have six months to enjoy the city I love before either leaving, or committing to be here for life, practically. And I have to make that decision before I leave for Germany! So I basically have one year to figure out my life. I wonder if time will continue to pass this incredibly fast in the future.
This week has been great. I've been so busy and I'm loving it...but I still feel a very distinct emptiness where homework should reside. I constantly feel like I'm forgetting something but I think it's just the absence of an extra four credits and one extremely ridiculous Biology class. Thank goodness that's over with.
There are other things in my life that need to be done too. I've been looking so positively at the world lately, I've been doing so well. I've gotten comments from certain parents concerning their lack of faith in me, or how I'm a horrible person but I've just brushed them off. And despite these criticisms, I continue to call said parent bi-daily and be friendly. I'm doing well for myself and I've found something that I really want to do with my life. Perhaps I've outgrown frustration.
In other news, I made a great pun today. We were discussing temperature in my Physiology Lab and we were in a bit of an argument, so I called over the TA and said, "we're having a heated debate about this..."
It was awesome. And I'm crediting Myriah with this one, "Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? All that was left was da Brie."
Thursday, December 2, 2010
der erste Schnee und der erste Dezember
It was pretty, I'll give it that. The cold was biting, but when the wind subsided the sight was worth the glance upward. The snow falling is nice, for now. Next week, I'm sure, my insights will change. Alas.
A rough patch this week. Was expecting more productivity tonight but because of serious circumstances beyond my control have gotten little to no homework done.
Less than three weeks until I can resume breathing. Less than three weeks until I can deal with my non-scholastic life. Less than three weeks until I can relax.
A rough patch this week. Was expecting more productivity tonight but because of serious circumstances beyond my control have gotten little to no homework done.
Less than three weeks until I can resume breathing. Less than three weeks until I can deal with my non-scholastic life. Less than three weeks until I can relax.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
ex-ceptional
I've decided I don't like the term "ex." I don't like the term "ex-wife" or "ex-husband" because it sounds so harsh! Today I was referred to as "my ex-girlfriend" and my heart sank a little. It sounds so horrible...I don't want to be an ex-anything. It sounds even like a punishment, for something that frankly, I did not do.
Also, it's my parents 22nd wedding anniversary. Their 19th divorce anniversary should be approaching quickly, too.
I feel like they are the epitome of exes. I mean, they both are equally strange and have no one else to spend time with, so they tend to have these terse (I guess sometimes they probably become lengthy) weird conversations where my mom listens to my dad and my dad just likes having someone to talk to.
I see myself in they way my mother loves. She falls hard. I fall hard. And she drags her relationships on, and on, and on, and on, and on, because I feel like she's so hopeful for the future. She just wants everything to work out and have her little life that she wanted when she was my age come to fruition. And it's so sad because the exact opposite happens and will continue to happen to her, and I fear the worst as well for me. She is so alone, all the time, and so in love with my dad still after so many years (which seems weird to me that she'd be in love with that, because he's way off plum). But I guess the real kicker is that she's so many things I don't want to be, I don't want to so easily see my reflection in something so personal as the way she loves. I don't want to be like this, but I can't help it and it's frightening.
I guess all I can do is pray that I don't end up in a sad situation such as that and that I posses qualities that she does not that will make me successful in my romantic endeavors rather than succumb to the fate that she has sealed for herself.
I feel like I'm watching the Titanic sail toward an iceberg and there's nothing I can do about it but stare. As cliche as that one sounds, just as I couldn't change the course of the liner, I can't change my feelings and how I interact with people, no matter where they may lead (I do hope my life isn't leading toward me sinking into the metaphorical ocean of life, but I guess we'll see, won't we?). Those emotions are raw, real and true. I don't want to lose that reality for the sake of safety...
I don't think.
Also, it's my parents 22nd wedding anniversary. Their 19th divorce anniversary should be approaching quickly, too.
I feel like they are the epitome of exes. I mean, they both are equally strange and have no one else to spend time with, so they tend to have these terse (I guess sometimes they probably become lengthy) weird conversations where my mom listens to my dad and my dad just likes having someone to talk to.
I see myself in they way my mother loves. She falls hard. I fall hard. And she drags her relationships on, and on, and on, and on, and on, because I feel like she's so hopeful for the future. She just wants everything to work out and have her little life that she wanted when she was my age come to fruition. And it's so sad because the exact opposite happens and will continue to happen to her, and I fear the worst as well for me. She is so alone, all the time, and so in love with my dad still after so many years (which seems weird to me that she'd be in love with that, because he's way off plum). But I guess the real kicker is that she's so many things I don't want to be, I don't want to so easily see my reflection in something so personal as the way she loves. I don't want to be like this, but I can't help it and it's frightening.
I guess all I can do is pray that I don't end up in a sad situation such as that and that I posses qualities that she does not that will make me successful in my romantic endeavors rather than succumb to the fate that she has sealed for herself.
I feel like I'm watching the Titanic sail toward an iceberg and there's nothing I can do about it but stare. As cliche as that one sounds, just as I couldn't change the course of the liner, I can't change my feelings and how I interact with people, no matter where they may lead (I do hope my life isn't leading toward me sinking into the metaphorical ocean of life, but I guess we'll see, won't we?). Those emotions are raw, real and true. I don't want to lose that reality for the sake of safety...
I don't think.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
origins of my love of solitude
So when I was younger, I used to switch houses on Thursdays. Either I'd switch from my Mom's to my Dad's house or my Dad's to my Mom's house. I don't think I really thought it had as big of an impact on me as it actually did. For starters, my favorite day of the week is, and as far back as I can remember, has been Thursday. At the time, the switch took some adjustment. If I was going to my dad's, I'd prepare myself for a couple days of being alone, and if I was going to my mom's, I'd prepare for her to dote and smoke and me to have a lot more toys to play with.
What reminded me of this today was that I was all alone at my dad's house, with my dad in his room, just like ten years ago. Nothing has changed, but I have grown to find comfort in my lonliness. I no longer cry quietly in my room while my dad sleeps away the last rough 80 hour work week and miss my mother. I no longer read high-school level books while I pretend I'm somewhere else. I just sit here, and have learned to love being alone.
Talking with Rushi lately, I've decided a lot of things about myself. First, I've been taking a more serious look at my definitions of love and my relationships with those around me. Second, I've decided that this is the root of my loving my solitude.
Every Thursday at my dad's, I'd walk home from school and come home to a large, empty, squeaky house. It was scary, but it was comforting to know that I only had a few hours to bear until school the next day. I'd wait around, read books, do my homework, maybe watch TV...(I recall watching Who Wants to be a Millionaire a few times when it just came out)...but I was always alone. I'd talk to my mom for the allotted 15 minutes, but after that, I was on my own. It wasn't so bad. My dad went to bed around 7, so I'd try my best to fall asleep close to that time. Anyway, Friday mornings I was always alone too, as my dad went to davening every morning, so I'd have to pack my lunch and get myself to school on time, (which I was really good at!) and be alone the whole time. I don't remember how I felt about it at the time, I think I was just focusing at the task at hand, aka, me getting myself to school and getting a lunch out of whatever was in the bachelor's fridge that day.
Now Fridays...those were the absolute worst. Fridays were the nights when I realized how alone I was. After school, (some days I'd even go home early from school, because of Shabbos) I'd come home and get ready, all by myself. I'd shower, do all that good stuff, fix all the lights up for the next day and light candles. I think we used to make chicken or other easily made type foods, then we'd set the TV timer for a couple hours (upon my request, so I could watch TGIF and see if Cory ended up with Topanga) and that was it. I was on my own. My dad fell asleep easily within 10 minutes of sitting down on his chair, and I was alone. Bone chillingly alone. I don't know if you've ever felt the sensation of watching TV with someone while they fall asleep, and you want nothing more than company, but it's probably one of the loneliest feelings that one can feel. Especially knowing that you can't call anyone on the phone, can't write in a diary, can't do homework, can't listen to music, can't play Math Blaster...all you have is yourself. All I had was myself.
As I remember this experience in my head, it seems worse than it was. I mean, I feel bad for 6-13 year old Rebecca, alone and scared. But at the time I just missed my mom. I missed my big bed, I missed my cats. I missed the company. I guess I got over that at some point. I mean, a lot should be credited to my mom's constant need for my attention, which I wanted, even needed, at a certain age, but quickly outgrew it and saw the problems which it drew in when I needed my space. At my mom's, the constant attention oftentimes grew to be too much and eventually I'd just want to be scared and alone, at my dad's. With them (meaning my parents) it was always too much or too little. It still is.
Which brings me back to the fact that very little has changed in my life in the way of my parents. I'm still spending a Saturday night alone at home at my dad's house (which was more common as I got older and my relationship with my mother grew more and more unstable) but this time, as older Rebecca, I love this. I've grown to love this time alone. I need it, just as much as I needed my mother's attention 10 years ago. I think that I experienced the absolute worst of being alone, and I feel like most of the time, the only person who can make sense of my thoughts is me, anyway. So why not enjoy myself as company? I've spent more time with me than any body else by far, I know me. I know everything about me, I've been through so much by myself. At times, there's no better company than that.
So it's weird for me to be in the same situation just at a completely different time in my life and see what has changed, both in my head and around me.
What reminded me of this today was that I was all alone at my dad's house, with my dad in his room, just like ten years ago. Nothing has changed, but I have grown to find comfort in my lonliness. I no longer cry quietly in my room while my dad sleeps away the last rough 80 hour work week and miss my mother. I no longer read high-school level books while I pretend I'm somewhere else. I just sit here, and have learned to love being alone.
Talking with Rushi lately, I've decided a lot of things about myself. First, I've been taking a more serious look at my definitions of love and my relationships with those around me. Second, I've decided that this is the root of my loving my solitude.
Every Thursday at my dad's, I'd walk home from school and come home to a large, empty, squeaky house. It was scary, but it was comforting to know that I only had a few hours to bear until school the next day. I'd wait around, read books, do my homework, maybe watch TV...(I recall watching Who Wants to be a Millionaire a few times when it just came out)...but I was always alone. I'd talk to my mom for the allotted 15 minutes, but after that, I was on my own. It wasn't so bad. My dad went to bed around 7, so I'd try my best to fall asleep close to that time. Anyway, Friday mornings I was always alone too, as my dad went to davening every morning, so I'd have to pack my lunch and get myself to school on time, (which I was really good at!) and be alone the whole time. I don't remember how I felt about it at the time, I think I was just focusing at the task at hand, aka, me getting myself to school and getting a lunch out of whatever was in the bachelor's fridge that day.
Now Fridays...those were the absolute worst. Fridays were the nights when I realized how alone I was. After school, (some days I'd even go home early from school, because of Shabbos) I'd come home and get ready, all by myself. I'd shower, do all that good stuff, fix all the lights up for the next day and light candles. I think we used to make chicken or other easily made type foods, then we'd set the TV timer for a couple hours (upon my request, so I could watch TGIF and see if Cory ended up with Topanga) and that was it. I was on my own. My dad fell asleep easily within 10 minutes of sitting down on his chair, and I was alone. Bone chillingly alone. I don't know if you've ever felt the sensation of watching TV with someone while they fall asleep, and you want nothing more than company, but it's probably one of the loneliest feelings that one can feel. Especially knowing that you can't call anyone on the phone, can't write in a diary, can't do homework, can't listen to music, can't play Math Blaster...all you have is yourself. All I had was myself.
As I remember this experience in my head, it seems worse than it was. I mean, I feel bad for 6-13 year old Rebecca, alone and scared. But at the time I just missed my mom. I missed my big bed, I missed my cats. I missed the company. I guess I got over that at some point. I mean, a lot should be credited to my mom's constant need for my attention, which I wanted, even needed, at a certain age, but quickly outgrew it and saw the problems which it drew in when I needed my space. At my mom's, the constant attention oftentimes grew to be too much and eventually I'd just want to be scared and alone, at my dad's. With them (meaning my parents) it was always too much or too little. It still is.
Which brings me back to the fact that very little has changed in my life in the way of my parents. I'm still spending a Saturday night alone at home at my dad's house (which was more common as I got older and my relationship with my mother grew more and more unstable) but this time, as older Rebecca, I love this. I've grown to love this time alone. I need it, just as much as I needed my mother's attention 10 years ago. I think that I experienced the absolute worst of being alone, and I feel like most of the time, the only person who can make sense of my thoughts is me, anyway. So why not enjoy myself as company? I've spent more time with me than any body else by far, I know me. I know everything about me, I've been through so much by myself. At times, there's no better company than that.
So it's weird for me to be in the same situation just at a completely different time in my life and see what has changed, both in my head and around me.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
operating life's syphon
I've been working a lot at the lab. Cherish (the other undergrad) is gone this week, so I'm all by myself. I've listened to a good chunk of my music library there, which is nice. It's nice to have solitude around others, instead of just plain old solitude. I title this entry as such because at the lab I need to work this syphon to wash pipettes, but I can never get the water pressure out of the distilled water tap to get to a speed reasonable enough to not either drain the thing completely or keep cycling through rinsing. The head of the lab (Tom) has explained to me how to work it several times, but poorly, and I just feel frustrated. My goal for tonight is to do some serious research on how a syphon works so as to prepare myself for tomorrow's struggle. I guess I referred to my life as operating a syphon because I feel like people have explained to me so many times how to live my life, what to do, what to say, how to feel about events, people and places, but I feel like I still don't get it either. It should be easy, my life. It's nothing special. I don't lead a hard existence. I have control over everything in my life...for the most part. I just feel empty or something. Like an empty pipette cleaning container.
Anyway, today was the most beautiful day I think I've ever experienced. It was a chilly (I laugh, a mere 75 degrees) and sunny and crisp. Not humid. I loved it. My dad and I were supposed to go to Devil's Lake, but he bailed on account of me getting home from the lab too late (damn the cursed autoclave). So we ended up having a day in Madison together...we shopped for spice racks and argued a lot. Typical. I've been sleeping at my mom's house ever since the incident Sunday night in which I was charged 450 dollars for having some friends in my backyard after 9 o'clock. (Mind you, the first actual social interaction I really engaged in all summer, needless to say, negative points to being a socialite).
I bought another book today on a whim. I feel like I've been overstimulated by constantly watching netflix so my goal is to read more. I love reading. I love reading outside. It's nice because you don't need a cord to read.
On the music front, I guess it would be nice to mention some music that I've really enjoyed listening to at the lab. It's nice background music and some of it I really have gotten into. First and foremost, I've come to the conclusion that LCD Soundsystem might be overrated. I love "Someone Great" but for the most part the rest of the CD is on the good side of mediocre. The band jj is great at the lab, and I've listened to my complete collection of Modest Mouse a couple times because some of it makes me think deeply and some of it makes me want to dance. When Ke$ha's "Your Love is my Drug" comes on, I kinda move my butt funny, which is uplifting. The (500) Days of Summer Soundtrack has become commonly listened to, as well as my ever growing collection of Weezer. I feel like when I look back on this summer, I will remember it as a Weezer summer, which is cool, because I feel like before I liked Weezer, I knew the lyrics, but now I feel like I love them. And I feel the difference between Ratitude and Pinkerton, like, really feel it. I mean, as I'm bopping my head along to Ratitude (don't get me wrong, I still like the CD), I feel sad because he (and by he I refer to Rivers Cuomo) is so clearly not putting himself into those tracks. It feels almost contrived, and I hope that, for his sake, he writes in privacy and gets his feelings out properly. I'd love to hear that music that comes from his actual emotion again, if it still is in existence and being produced. So that's a brief digression into music for you.
Anyway, today was the most beautiful day I think I've ever experienced. It was a chilly (I laugh, a mere 75 degrees) and sunny and crisp. Not humid. I loved it. My dad and I were supposed to go to Devil's Lake, but he bailed on account of me getting home from the lab too late (damn the cursed autoclave). So we ended up having a day in Madison together...we shopped for spice racks and argued a lot. Typical. I've been sleeping at my mom's house ever since the incident Sunday night in which I was charged 450 dollars for having some friends in my backyard after 9 o'clock. (Mind you, the first actual social interaction I really engaged in all summer, needless to say, negative points to being a socialite).
I bought another book today on a whim. I feel like I've been overstimulated by constantly watching netflix so my goal is to read more. I love reading. I love reading outside. It's nice because you don't need a cord to read.
On the music front, I guess it would be nice to mention some music that I've really enjoyed listening to at the lab. It's nice background music and some of it I really have gotten into. First and foremost, I've come to the conclusion that LCD Soundsystem might be overrated. I love "Someone Great" but for the most part the rest of the CD is on the good side of mediocre. The band jj is great at the lab, and I've listened to my complete collection of Modest Mouse a couple times because some of it makes me think deeply and some of it makes me want to dance. When Ke$ha's "Your Love is my Drug" comes on, I kinda move my butt funny, which is uplifting. The (500) Days of Summer Soundtrack has become commonly listened to, as well as my ever growing collection of Weezer. I feel like when I look back on this summer, I will remember it as a Weezer summer, which is cool, because I feel like before I liked Weezer, I knew the lyrics, but now I feel like I love them. And I feel the difference between Ratitude and Pinkerton, like, really feel it. I mean, as I'm bopping my head along to Ratitude (don't get me wrong, I still like the CD), I feel sad because he (and by he I refer to Rivers Cuomo) is so clearly not putting himself into those tracks. It feels almost contrived, and I hope that, for his sake, he writes in privacy and gets his feelings out properly. I'd love to hear that music that comes from his actual emotion again, if it still is in existence and being produced. So that's a brief digression into music for you.
Monday, April 26, 2010
fatal flaws
to premise, i flew today.
fatal flaws of becca are as follows, in no order.
i am a bad daughter at many times in my life. i say a 'bad' because i am not a 'daughter' but i treat my parents as my equals, which i realize now more than ever is probably not the best idea. i feel as if they raised me well enough...but then again i feel like i'm a success against my own expectations, i really don't know what my mom wants from me. bad parenting or bad daughtering? with my dad, the situation differs only slightly. i believe he wants me to be his friend, which is good for me sometimes, but again, oftentimes not. a textbook definition dad would've been nice. but i guess not everyone can win, but i don't feel like i lost completely, either.
i want to love and be loved. i am needy in the way that i want only to give. i need to give. i need to feel loved by and be close to those i find important.
i want to understand people, and (although it may sound conceited) feel like i can a lot of the time, which only does so much good because i have serious articulation issues of late. i'm awful.
i live in my head. it's nice in here, and i'm comfortable because all the residents know exactly what i'm thinking and what i mean. this makes life easy.
i project the person i want to be. i want myself to be a certain way or like certain things, but perhaps this is just a projection of what i wish i was, not what i am currently. i want to work to be what i portray.
i lay all my cards out on the table. i very much wear my heart on my sleeve. not an asset in most situations.
i judge people based on fairly short interactions with them. and i oftentimes am too bigheaded to see that i may be wrong about them, so i go with that first impression for entirely too long.
and there you have them. not to say there aren't more, but those are the ones i identified today.
fatal flaws of becca are as follows, in no order.
i am a bad daughter at many times in my life. i say a 'bad' because i am not a 'daughter' but i treat my parents as my equals, which i realize now more than ever is probably not the best idea. i feel as if they raised me well enough...but then again i feel like i'm a success against my own expectations, i really don't know what my mom wants from me. bad parenting or bad daughtering? with my dad, the situation differs only slightly. i believe he wants me to be his friend, which is good for me sometimes, but again, oftentimes not. a textbook definition dad would've been nice. but i guess not everyone can win, but i don't feel like i lost completely, either.
i want to love and be loved. i am needy in the way that i want only to give. i need to give. i need to feel loved by and be close to those i find important.
i want to understand people, and (although it may sound conceited) feel like i can a lot of the time, which only does so much good because i have serious articulation issues of late. i'm awful.
i live in my head. it's nice in here, and i'm comfortable because all the residents know exactly what i'm thinking and what i mean. this makes life easy.
i project the person i want to be. i want myself to be a certain way or like certain things, but perhaps this is just a projection of what i wish i was, not what i am currently. i want to work to be what i portray.
i lay all my cards out on the table. i very much wear my heart on my sleeve. not an asset in most situations.
i judge people based on fairly short interactions with them. and i oftentimes am too bigheaded to see that i may be wrong about them, so i go with that first impression for entirely too long.
and there you have them. not to say there aren't more, but those are the ones i identified today.
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