dwindle dwindle dwindle

That is the sound time would make if you could hear it passing. It would be this like...squeaky, subtle noise that you could only hear if you listened really, really close. Like a Pokémon making the sound of what it is. Dwindling time.

It is crazy that it is already the second to last day in April. I remember driving around near my Grandma's house a while back and thinking, "Man, I wish it were just Thanksgiving already!" where does this time go? I think what they say is definitely true, each second is shorter relative to your life span so time just speeds up and takes no prisoners. And if this semester, this impossible, terrible, stressful semester is almost over, what does that mean for the upcoming summer? How fast will that pass? I remember last year around this time. I remember two years ago around this time. And three years ago. After that I think each year around this time becomes less distinctive and it just turns into this conglomeration of memories set in my head as this idea of what late April/early May is. Warm and rainy. Warm and sunny. The time when the air smells like dew and the wind finally feels warm on your skin instead of chilling you to the bone. It's a nice time of year.

On Friday my mom was readmitted to the ICU for a myriad of things: low blood pressure, this infection, that infection, this and that. I feel so cold now--so calloused by all this I think the nurses must think I'm a terrible daughter. But sitting in the emergency room until midnight doesn't make me want to stay for her to get settled on the new ward, even if it is an ICU. I know this routine, I've been here before. She was asleep anyway.

Me leaving in 17 days concerns me. In a good way, for the most part. In the normal, "who the hell is going to sublet my apartment!" kind of way. In the, "oh god, I can't speak German! I need to do some serious studying of birth words!" kind of way. But at times, when I see her in her hospital, it reminds me of how fragile her life really is. How it could all go so tragically wrong with such little notice...and it scares me. I guess we all have to learn to live with these fears...and I'll get along and have a good time, and come back with so many life changing experiences and she'll be around to see me come home from the airport. And they all lived happily ever after. The end. 

aimless on sunday

I am refusing to leave my bed today.
I've pretty much checked out for the semester---I had like a month of really intense and stressful work and am now rewarding myself with less stressful (albeit still stressful) leisure time. I still have two exams (a pathology one and a nursing one) and I am going to make an effort to go to class in the future just to learn something...but--I've quit my job and I'm excited to continue on to Germany in 3 weeks! (ok, 25 days but who's counting?)

I've been trying to simultaneously sublet an apartment in Madison and find one to sublet in Bonn...no easy feat let me tell you! It's hard to do both of those things...
I ran my mom's run last Saturday, it was FREEZING COLD (and snowing) but we persevered, and I ran the 5k with Sarah and Karissa (my ITB whatever thing hurts still...) and everyone else managed the 10k. I wish I could've done the 10k! I also wish I could run now. I signed up to run the Disney Half Marathon in January (!!!!!!) but I need to get better first before I can start even thinking about that one. I'm so excited to cross a life goal off of my list!
The ladies from study abroad and I went to Ripon on Friday and visited Amy---it was fun! I love hanging out with those girls and it was really just a great time. Yesterday was also a fun night, I went out with a couple of nursing student friends and Karissa and we had a small adventure. I like living like this...22 years old and actually doing stuff! It's nice to sprinkle normalcy into a really strange life situation. I've been realizing lately though how cool my life is: I have so much freedom, anonymity, spontaneousness and want for adventure that my life is actually pretty awesome. And I've like...climbed the mountain of stress and bad luck so I feel like I have the ability to just be like FFFFF this and do what I want. And make the most out of my life.

Things that are happening [in attenuated list form]:

-i am moving to germany for three months for an internship as a midwife. combining loves right there.
-i am running a half marathon in disney world. [life goal: accomplishment in my favorite place on earth]
-tattoo this summer in germany...
-my mother is getting chemo and will be for the summer. i will have to deal with that while i am in germany.
-i am going to nursing school and get to choose my rotation next week.
-i want to do something crazy after i graduate, but will probably just end up working.

WHAT MY LIFE WILL LOOK LIKE TWO YEARS FROM TODAY [a prediction]:

I bet I will be working somewhere in Madison as an RN, trying to gain enough experience to join the peace corps. Or doctors without borders. Or just get a better job. I will be saving up money to travel. I will maybe be considering midwifery programs, or going to Germany to do that. I will still be very single, and occasionally still be very lonely, but I will continue to bury such feelings with doing distracting things like globetrotting and working. I will still be stoic and refuse to join a dating website. I will probably be preparing to be some bridesmaid in some wedding or another. Maybe I will still be arranging stuff for my mom--maybe she'll need help in her apartment. I'll have my own apartment: I will have gone through that awkward transitional phase of living at home for the 9 months before I get a job as a nurse...maybe my dad will be married? Jerry and Melody will be married. I will have run a half marathon in Disney World. I will be a member of a gym? Or just an avid worker-outer. I will see movies at my leisure and drink wine in the evenings. I will read more--no school, need to entertain myself somehow! I'll have bought a new MacBook (or an iPad?), I might be donning an iPhone 6. I'll start actually buying music from iTunes. I will have traveled to somewhere I've never been before by then--ideally somewhere rather exotic. I'll have a new tattoo. And a new wardrobe. (That's one of my first goals once I get a job!)