the golden years

I wonder what was going through my head 54 days after I started college, four and some years ago. Probably that I would be some multi-lingual diplomat making waves in the world in four years. Well, it's crazy how far life takes you throughout college. I think it's important to acknowledge the changes that I've gone through over these past five years...college is just one of those times in your life you'll never get back, no matter how insignificant those moments seem while they're happening.

Well, I started college living in a shared dorm room with a roommate I hated and a head full of possibilities. I wanted to experience things, I wanted to have a life of my own. Throughout my college career, the memories that mean the most to me by far are those in which I went out by myself and discovered the world. I love that. I love learning, and I don't think I learned as much sitting in classes as I did just by living. In these years, I've been to Switzerland, Kenya, Israel, Germany (three times!) all throughout Europe, to Florida quite a few times, to New York, around Wisconsin, to Chicago, to Denver, to San Francisco, to Seattle. I've been to dark corners of my mind, thinking obsessive and sad thoughts. I've been high on mountains, emotionally and physically, I've made friends, I've lost contact with others. I've kept the ones that matter the most. I've connected with people, I've had brief encounters, I've changed people's lives and so many people have changed mine. I've partied all night, but studied all night too. I've worked at restaurants, labs, nursing homes, at grocery stores, in people's homes. I got a tattoo and a couple piercings. I've had a Razr, Android, and an iPhone. I conquered the Disney Half Marathon! I went from living in that shared dorm room to my own (in a German speaking community!) then lived with roommates in a crappy apartment that we hated, but what turned out to be two of the best years of my life. I've lived on a different continent in a dorm room with a sink and orange curtains (two rooms with sinks!) I've lived in a large apartment in one of the nicest neighborhoods in Madison. In my dad's basement, in Shaina's old bedroom. The places I've felt most at home weren't always even the ones I was paying rent for. I shared a radio show with one of my best friends. I've gone through four majors, many difficult decisions, and countless stressful exams that I can bet you money that I couldn't pass again. I've made some poor romantic decisions, but none of which I regret, because had I not made them, I wouldn't have learned from them.

Looking back, I couldn't have asked for more in college. I pursued what I wanted to, I've had experiences that I wouldn't trade for the world. I've made friends I'll have for life and learned so much about myself. I'm so grateful that I've gotten this grace period into adulthood and I'm excited for what the next years bring for me.

So, to myself starting college, I would say: Don't worry. Experience as much as possible. You'll be fine, you'll graduate with two majors and a boyfriend. Let life take you where it will.

In 54 days when I walk across that stage, I will feel no regret, I'll feel accomplished and happy, but more about my own accomplishments than about my academic ones. I feel like I'm almost glad I didn't know it would turn out so well, just so I could try as much as possible to get it to work out just right. The perfect storm. 

don't go brecht-ing my heart

I just finished an essay for my German class about Brecht and sent it off to Marco for a quick edit. It's due tomorrow after a week extension...I have another paper due on Sunday, too. This whole "spring break" is just a more accurate way to give me an excuse to skip all my classes. Three more weeks of early mornings, and then I am a free-ish woman. I'll be going to Germany soon...which scares me. I also have this 10k coming up unbelievably fast and I am out of shape again...

It's weird how one little shift can change my outlook on things. I was really looking forward to Germany for so many reasons, but one reason in particular took a really big change recently. I think it scares me now because I have been looking forward to things being a particular way when I got there, but it is all different now. My whole head is messed up about it. My whole outlook really changed and I have 40 some days to come to terms with it and accept my summer there without...that. I've loved Germany for so long and the fact that this is really messing me up scares me even more than the change itself. Life just gets so complicated.

Running has been severely affected by smoking. It's not quite a 'habit' yet, but I can feel it becoming a problem. I should stop, at least until the run, but sometimes it's just so difficult, especially driving in my car. Tomorrow I'll try running again, but I also have to check on all my cats so that will take up a chunk of my day. I'm watching Karissa's two cats, Helix and Nemo, while she is in Texas for Spring Break, and I'm also checking up on Cobbler, who I love, but she's so skinny lately it kind of worries me. I also have my doubts as to whether Baruch will let my mom have her back again, but I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Tomorrow begins my three week stretch of working with no days off. I find that kind of unbelievable...but I guess that's actually how it's going to go. I'm thankful I found someone to sublet my apartment (and she's going to use my bed, so that's one less hassle I have to go through before flying back to my Lieblingsort...)

Tomorrow: running, paper, cats, working, cats, watching disney movies auf deutsch/reading, sleeping.
Friday: running, biking (?!), working, disney movies/reading
Saturday: working, running, working on my paper, working
Sunday: church with Grandma, brunch with Grandma and Mom, working
Monday: class, running, office hours, German class, movies, sleep
Tuesday: clinicals, working, sleep.
Wednesday: classes, running, watching movies for school (!?)
Thursday: clinicals, working, sleep
Friday: clinicals, sleep (running?)
Saturday: working, school work, working sleep
Sunday: working, school work, working, movies sleep
Monday: class, office hours, German class, movies, sleep
Tuesday: clinicals, working, sleep
Wednesday: classes, school movies/quizzes
Thursday: clinicals, working, sleep
Friday: sleep, school work, working
Saturday: working, school work, bar crawl
Sunday: Running 10k, working

And in between all those times I need to find time to: take care of the cats (only until this weekend), visit my mother, pay the bills, respond to e-mails, take quizzes, eat and run. Also, proben for the theatre stück am 6. Mai are starting next week...I'm not sure how much of a time suck that will be but I need to figure in time for that, too. My goodness my life is crazy, but this helped me get organized at least!


okay, time to sleep (and sleep in tomorrow!) until I need to edit my paper one final time, print it out, and turn it in before checking on those darn cats. gute nacht alle :)

2011: the lists

top ten experiences of 2011:
1. Watching the expansive sky/clouds every day in Kenya.
2. Seeing the Old City of Jerusalem in Israel and its vibrant life and cohabitation.
3. Safari! Listening to the Lion King soundtrack crossing the savannah was epic.
4. NFC Championship Game with the family. Soo much fun!!
5. Swimming in the Mediterranean Sea/Snorkeling in the Red Sea/Swimming in the Indian Ocean
6. Dancing at Izzy's Wedding (Izzy and Jessica's wedding. Force of habit.)
7. Getting accepted to Study Abroad in Germany.
8. Walking in to a class and watching a Beyonce music video (every other moment of that class)
9. Hiking up Masada/in the Golan Heights//Hiking up the Ngong Hills (never huffed/puffed/sweated so much in my LIFE)
10. Sitting in the tree at the end of Picnic Point and watching the waves crash up on the shore. There's a whole bunch of new human-stuff there now so I'll never have that back.

best things about 2011:
1. the experiences.
2. my classes this fall. (especially black music and stats!)
3. actually applying to nursing school!
4. learning a lot about myself through travel.
5. living in my apartment. my home. :)
6. being legally allowed to order a drink.
7. my friends and family. being surrounded with people!
8. harry potter world! hell yes
9. the incredible weather
10. CNA classes with Sasha/becoming a CNA/being a CNA

songs that defined 2011 for me:
1. Someone Like You-Adele
2. Ambling Alp-Yeasayer
3. Run the World (Girls)-Beyonce (and I Was Here)
4. Runaway-Kanye West
5. You're Going to Make Me Lonesome When You Go-Bob Dylan
6. Lucifer-Jay-Z
7. Sitting on the Dock of the Bay-Otis Redding
8. Unpretty-TLC
9. My Mirror Speaks-Death Cab for Cutie
10. Ex Factor-Lauryn Hill
11. How Many Lovers-Jhameel

the worst:
1. sarah moving away (and jason, too!)
2. feeling so awful the weekend of izzy's wedding. being surrounded by my regrets.
3. miami during thanksgiving.
4. dating that asshole...and lord is he ever an asshole! 
5. that stomach flu I came down with...in Madison, but also when I was in Kenya after the exotic meat when I was missing home so much.
6. my dad's brush with cancer.
7. quitting a job. that was rough and embarrassing. tied with microbiology, the worst class ever.
8. my 21st birthday (after 2am before 2 it almost made the list for the most amazing things). and more specifically the hangover that only ended two days later.
9. my mom's deterioration...i know it's a little harsh to put it on here...and she does have great days, but still).
10. the awkwardness post-Israel when my two friends came with me on my 'spiritual' adventure. i wish things would've gone differently.

goals for next year:
1. Make Germany Count. Speak German whenever possible, be comfortable. See Europe.
2. be kinder. in thoughts, in actions.
3. improve on the romance. don't date losers. get over old flames. don't let the thoughts fester.
4. get into Nursing School (although I don't have much control over that now)
5. Find a TV show that parallels my interest in Mad Men. (Also, find a way to watch Mad Men in Germany without spending too much money)
6. Learn Spanish!
7. lose weight (as always). be overall healthier. stop smoking cigarettes completely. don't drive everywhere.
8. dress better. I should really, really cut out the sweatpants.

foods of the year:
1. nonfat lattes with sugar free vanilla syrup/med cafe tea
2. caribou coffee with rushi
3. bread pudding
4. bananas
5. homemade bakery from the minds and kitchen of connie and me (I?)
6. the "rabbit diet" of my dad and me
7. hazelnut chocolate bars
8. pumpkin pie! (That's an always food)
9. moscoto
10. pineapple curry from curry in a box

the love/hate relationship we have with the apartment:
1. it's freezing. the oven heats it though. in the summer it was unbearably hot.
2. it's dirty and cramped and cold
3. connie made a song about it
4. rushi's never there
5. the ridiculous skipping of class on all three of our parts
6. group outings/procrastination
7. late night chats in the kitchdiningroom
8. the power going out when the space heaters run
9. the S&M couple (wildebeast?) who live(s) next door
10. parking. good and bad. get exercise even though i drive?

top things i wore this year:
1. my yoga pants (depressing that I lost them in Israel)
2. my gap skinny jeans (warm!)
3. as usual, my Wisconsin State Bird shirt
4. braided bracelet and anklet from kids in Kenya
5. that trio of solid faded v-neck t-shirts from the gap
6. my blue polka dotted tank top
7. my brown moccasins
8. my turquoise coat
9. my green capris

top places i frequented this year:
1. the apartment
2. the house (toward the end)
3. airports
4. woodman's
5. the SAC (German Cubby, usually)
6. My mom's apartment
7. espresso royale
8. microbial sciences building

frequently visited websites:
1. gmail
2. facebook
3. twitter
4. wisc.edu
5. blogger
6. beolingus
7. sporcle
8. amazon
9. nytimes

my materialistikah christmakkah list:
1. digital slr camera
2. ipod
3. ipad
4. amazon gift card
5. contact lenses/glasses
6. this bag: http://tinyurl.com/7tjovq8
7. sperry's/nicer boots
8. Camp/4
9. frequent flier miles

read this year:
1. ender's game
2. a heartbreaking work of staggering genius
3. a good man in africa
4. harry potter 3-7 (finally)
5. many rolling stone magazines
6. nytimes.com/twitter feed
7. somebody scream!/our america
8. the help
9. anatomy/physiology/microbio textbooks
10. a whole bunch of 19th century german literature

anecdotes on a saturday

worked in the liquor store today. there are people here who drink a pint of liquor a day, regulars at the liquor store. i felt sad for them. also astounded at how foul their language is at times.

rum-chata looks good, too bad they sell out so quick.

i hope my son grows up to play professional football.

no one has contacted me for 24 hours. that includes parents (a blessing? my mom is 7 texts down from her daily average), co-workers, friends and other miscellaneous family members. no e-mails from junk corporations, no special offers, no facebook wall posts, messages, etc. it occurred to me that perhaps my phone was broken but i thought the better of it. it's fully functional.

spent the day baking pies snd making dinner, wore my hair like a girl from the 40's. felt good.

ate too much, bad habit, good pies.

tomorrow is stress-giving 2011...my mom's thanksgiving feast. i'm bringing the booze.

airplane rides make me ornery.

jurassic park is a horror story (?!!)

seeing movies alone is nice. jason segal is the best.

wish i had a boy to take to the packers game should i win the drawing i entered. can't bring my dad cause he works. feel like it's almost wasting the tickets to bring another girl who knows probably less than me about the damn sport, but i guess that's what's going to happen. shouldn't count my chickens before they hatch anyway.

frasier is the new 30 rock.

i want to end facebook. and twitter. and gchat.

as i was cleaning my room today, i used the phrase 'de-baruching'; it was a pretty accurate portrayal of what was happening.

computer screen looks dirtier in the light. solutions? a) clean it. b) keep it as dark as possible in my cave bedroom.

dusty.

intent or result

Result: I feel really awful right now. I feel frustrated, annoyed, regretful, stupid, used, rude and just downright bad about myself. Every question I ask has an obvious answer, every time I speak I'm babbling, every idea I have is lame. What I want to do isn't good enough. When I just appease I'm annoying and complacent. The things I'm proud of are just alright. Every opinion I have is wrong. Every time I express issue with how I perceive how I'm being treated I feel like beleaguering oversensitive girl.

Intent: Definitely (hopefully) not that.

Who's to blame?

I'm a good person. I'm a caring person. I'm intelligent, I'm helpful, I'm interested. I don't want to put anyone out. But somehow, I seem to induce the same problems I'm trying to avoid. I should know better.

Anyway: on to a few days in Florida. I can relax after I finish this paper, go to the pool, read for pleasure, get a grip. Get some rest.

winning blackjack

i got to 21. i survived the weekend after i turned 21 too, which is really saying something. my birthday was amazing, i had a great time out at the bars with friends, and even in the last couple hours i learned a lot about the people who actually care about me (special love goes out to sarah, shaina, dhanze and my dad, and sarah's mom too while I'm at it). I'm fine, I survived and learned a couple valuable life lessons that I've learned before, but I guess it was nice to get a little refresher.
Friday night I went out with Jerry, which was a great time. We went to the Willy Street bars, they were interesting and it was fun just to spend some one-on-one time with him. I love people watching in bars, I think that's the new gold that comes with this whole, old enough to drink business. Just watching the ridiculousness unfold.
Last night, I had a gathering here until midnight at which time we took Janet out for her inaugural birthday drink at Wando's. I hate Wando's. Honestly, it's like 3 floors of douchebaggery and overpriced drinks. (also, like the badass that I am, I got kicked out of there on Thursday night, so that was cool). It's nice that Janet is 21+ now, so we will have a groovy time learning about all the local bars and finding our favorites. So far, I'm digging the Blue Velvet as my first choice and coming in at a close second is Paul's. (There's a tree in there!)

One thing that really did get to me this weekend, however, was the very inappropriate behavior of one of my friends. I think friends should be loyal, considerate, should watch out for you, be concerned and careful.

what an asshole. (to be said in Woody Allen's tone in Annie Hall)

Basically, what this leads to is: I need to be alone. I need to recluse like my usual self and slip back into the lifestyle I like best. I'm excited to move home because it will be easier for me to make the transition. In addition, Sarah's leaving so that will make things easier too. I miss her so much already and smeared my mime makeup when I cried after I realized she was leaving today. Some people are just people that click and stick. She's one.

never let me go

i really loved that book, you know. and the movie is good, too, but they both really shook me up. all i feel lately is this great sense of futility, as if nothing i've done or can do has an impact on much.


in every situation, really. i mean, school, family, romance, friends, bad choices/good choices, drugs, alcohol....

it's the same no matter what, i feel as if i would be the same no matter what.

no matter what.

when you're unsuspecting

I think that the most real portrait of someone's true self is how they conduct themselves they perceive that no one is watching. Today it was enlightening to watch as the people in the crowd assumed they were blending in. The looks people give as they walk, as they sit doing their homework...I feel like those are the faces that represent them as who they really are. I don't think any one can have their guard up 100% of the time...I mean, I know I can't. But what is really interesting is seeing the people you look up to or admire, they all have those faces, too. Like Barack Obama. He knows people watch him all the time...but I bet he gets those moments of unguarded-ness.

Seeing him today was cool. I mean, I didn't actually see him. But the bustle around my neighborhood as his motorcade passed by my apartment was crazy, all for one person. On another tangent, I feel like the excitement in the air when the president comes to your town, I feel like that is the excitement you should feel for the one you love. It was nice to feel that way for a little while today.

I can't imagine having that responsibility; I can't imagine holding a public office where so many people draw so much inspiration from you. I mean, to scale the issue back to my own life, I'm so exhausted these days, I take breathing for granted, which is something I hate doing. I love feeling air in my lungs and remembering the small things. It's so hard though, to get caught up in the gazillion other responsibilities I've laid out for myself, I don't have time to enjoy, well, anything. I mean, eating is a hassle, a lunch I cram in my backpack and wolf down on my way to my lecture. I walk and listen to old lectures. Keeping in touch with my friends feels like one of the hardest tasks because it's something I can procrastinate on indefinitely. My diary is all but being ignored...my entries are short and I've abandoned complete sentences.

The moments in which I do allow myself to think about things, like this one, scare me. I'm scared. I'm so scared about everything right now. I feel like this semester is like Mount Everest and I'm climbing it with no Sherpas.

I guess I was unsuspecting of how difficult this would be. I mean, I knew it would take incredible discipline and great solidarity, but this has surpassed my wildest dreams. It is hard to hear my roommates saying I have the best work ethic, or hear praise from my professors or reflected in my test scores, because I know all those things are just reflections of other things being left unattended. I definitely do not have the best work ethic...if I didn't work this hard with all the obligations I've taken on, I couldn't do it. And honestly, I don't know why I did this to myself. I feel like this is the opposite of last semester, I took so many credits and took part in so many extracurriculars...it's overwhelming. I'm letting it get to me, too. But honestly, it's hard not to.

One of the biggest things I've learned about myself this month is that I need human interaction. At least a little. I mean, I can handle 7 days straight of myself, but sometimes, I need someone. I need someone to hug. I'm a huge hug person. Also, I've learned so much useless information that I love from SYSK. I'm addicted to that. I've learned that I'm a neat freak and I like cooking my own food whenever possible. I've learned that I don't hate cilantro that much. I've learned that somethings, yes, somethings are just impossible. I can't be superwoman, no matter how hard I try. I'm not perfect. I can't make my work be perfect, my personality and I can't always be happy with what I have. I've learned that procrastinating on procrastinating is easier when you procrastinate doing other things that will eventually be due. I've learned that no matter what I do, Aarushi will probably still talk to me and make me feel a little better. And she probably won't eat/remember what groceries she buys. I've learned that Connie forgets a lot and can be very motivational to get me to go for runs. I've learned that I can totally be single, and not worry about boys (except for maybe, maybe once a day, obviously still a priority, in true becca fashion).

And now that I've calmed down and procrastinated for real I should get back to work writing this proposal. I hope that I never have to deal with writing a proposal again for another research topic...scientific writing is difficult.

eggs over uneasy

I tried to make eggs this morning.
didn't go through with it because i couldn't decide whether i wanted them scrambled with cheese or over easy.
speaking of over easy, I am waay over easy. I got the assignment for the independent research project for my Biology class next semester, and it seems as though I'm going to have to do much more work than I anticipated. That makes me, well, uneasy.
Other things that make me uneasy: relationships with the male gender in general. Of all people I know, I feel like I don't have one relationship with one man or boy that I feel like I'm on solid ground with. I think it's me. It's gotta be! I mean, I feel like I do the girl thing and almost expect them to know what I'm thinking. But I think about it so much, it just seems obvious to me! I realize this flaw. Men don't know what you're thinking unless you say it. But don't over say it? But I think it so much I feel like I should censor what I say...? Oy, more things to make me uneasy.
Work: another thing to make me uneasy. The lab. I always get this weird feeling like the experiments are failing because I pour the plates wrong or something! It seems irrational, but honestly, it's highly possible. I hope that's not the case, don't you think they would've talked to me or something by now?
Moving.
Switzerland.
Finding grammar mistakes in things that I've written that other people have already read. I hate that!

morning

you know you've done something serious with your feelings when this happens to you. when you wake up lonely and sad, wanting only one thing. it's sad. i mean, i make myself sad. like some sort of a pity party. and don't get me wrong, this isn't like depression or anything bad like this, it's just missing someone. i mean, really, really missing someone. it's when all those songs you've been avoiding you play purposefully to make yourself feel "better" when really you're just wallowing. you're reveling in their feelings that are somewhat similar to yours. and even if the lyrics are meant to mean something completely different, you twist them to fit perfectly with your situation.
it's when you get dressed in vain, knowing that that one person you desperately want to see you won't. and it's traumatizing. i mean, you start peeking around corners hoping that by some miracle that person is hiding there. not like you're living your life solely for one thing, or obsessive, or crazy, but it's gotten to be a huge part of how you think, so the effects are spreading through your everyday.
you can't concentrate on anything...it's ignorant bliss almost. the memories keep you happy, but you're just kind of treading water at this point until the next time you can focus on them.
you want the person to see how you are--you wonder what they are doing. such mystery is involved! it's a guessing game that you don't want: you need to know but you can't.
and the worst part is the over-analyzation: you recall your conduct and wonder how you were perceived, and although you may not care on any given day how those around you perceive you, you care about this. you care about how this goes. how you are perceived then. now that's an unsettling feeling, let me tell you.
but that is not to say that all of this is bad. it's just a matter of circumstances. some are luckier than others with those they find, and others are not. when you're the one who found the one who can never see you, you're a little unlucky, but at least you found them at all. and all the work you put into it just makes you appreciate it all the more.
now then.
on to another day.
it's going to be a long few weeks.

discouragement

As the semester comes to a close, I feel as if I learned a lot about myself since the beginning. I realized I'm not the smartest date in the fruit bowl, I have will power, I need friends, and I love Madison. I really love Madison. And I love those friends I do have.
Today I became highly discouraged with my progress in school so far. I got a mediocre grade on my paper, worth a fair amount of my grade (25%) and on the last test my grade was only fair. I have hope, I guess, 50% more to make up but I foresee it being pretty challenging. My econ mid-term grade comes back tomorrow, which should make me feel better (I hope, the advisory curve is set as an 84% overall is an A). I know no one wants to hear about this, but I figure blogging about it is more effective instead of bitching at everyone I know. Not effective at all.
Another part of me that I think has matured is my attitude toward dependence on boys. I don't really feel like I need one, (for the ABSOLUTE first time in a LONGGG time). It's great. Really. I don't truly feel the need to impress anyone but myself, and I dress up because I like it, not to attract somebody that probably won't look anyway. The only thing I want is to be a mom, and there are so many possibilities out there that I've begun not to worry about it so much. I just want a daughter, so much. The husband, meh. If worst comes to worst I can handle it myself.

I'm going on cruise on the first of the year with my dear cousin, Shaina. I'm quite excited, I think it'll be a blast. I'm also excited for the warmth, because today it snowed. It was pretty and kind of mystical, but the rest of the year is yet to come. I know by February I'll be singing a different tune. But I did get the chance to use my fluffy white mittens and white scarf, I thought I looked classy.

I guess the biggest new development in my life is my decision to go to Germany. The application is in, I'm going. I'm going. I can't believe it. And it's made me realize how much I love it here. I really do, there's no place I would want to grow old more. I want to travel and live my life, yes, perhaps spend some significant time away, but this is my home, and it will always be. I'm such a badger. :)

Time for me to go I guess, the hustle of Rheta's isn't exactly the most picturesque place to be writing reflective blogs...but it'll do.