florida

it's sunny.
and warm.
and i went for a run today (can you tell how proud I am?)
also, publix is the best grocery store chain in the country.
the flight down wasn't bad.
we're staying at zach's house.
it's cool: somewhere between an apartment and a house.
i've taken to eating croutons. so delicious.
i miss pretty pretty princess.
time traveler's wife=best book ever.
cruise in two days.

ps:
my apologies to sarah, the love of my life, for not mentioning her before in my dear old blog. i don't update my blog frequently enough.
i says what i feels.
don't be mad.

It's not often

that a movie seriously moves me. I find it rather cliche that the one to do it should be Avatar. I went in not expecting much, that is, another sci-fi mumbo jumbo my dad recommended, but I came out feeling hopeful and wanting to change the world. Is this normal?!
But really, the movie is stunning. The visual effects are so crystal clear that the stage for the story and Cameron's message is set perfectly. There were so many take home points in that movie, I'm stupefied. Typically speaking, I don't like high-action militaristic films, but this one was absolutely captivating. I recommend it highly. Not only that, but my dad and I saw it together and were equally awed, an occurrence limited only to a select few films.
So more about changing the world...
The planet in Avatar was so beautiful, although I understand it is little more than a figment of the imagination of one person. It got me thinking that if our planet was more beautiful, maybe people would respect it more, which led me to the next logical thought of, 'but our planet is beautiful.' I think we should take some serious consideration as a race and save our home. This sounds lame in print, but I must say, I feel pretty strongly about it. They refer to earth as a 'dead planet' and that's what I feel it truly is becoming. I feel like environmentalists have almost given up hope, and the only solution people see is to mitigate what we've done, to try to reconstruct what we've lost. Valiant efforts are lost in bureaucratic bullshit and politics. Solutions we are coming up with involve minimal effort; we have the ability to accomplish so much more. I want to learn about our home so we don't have to look to other worlds (yay sci-fi movie goer term...should've waited a few hours to write this...) to destroy. I want to save us. Maybe it's possible to reconcile the planet we've all but killed...

daily thoughts I have to you

Just because others don't see the world through the same eyes, you assume there is something wrong--I'm tired of your attitude. I'm so sad that I don't see the world the way you and the rest of my relatives do, I wish I could...but I can't. I just don't see it. Please, stop trying to push me into something I just don't believe. I don't know what I believe yet, but as I am an adult, please respect my choice to find my own path. I don't need suggestions anymore. Love me regardless. Respect what I do. Don't glaze over the good things and amplify the bad. I'm not a selfish person. I am giving and careful, I do love those around me. Don't assume differently. Become independent of me. I can't always be there for you. I'm too young to be responsible for anyone but myself. Once I get a handle on that task, I can move on to being more responsible for you. Contact me to see how I am--not to check up on me, not to ask for something, and not to complain. You're actions lately have been cold and unkind, immature and completely unjustified. Act with dignity.

I'm angry at you. I've tried to work with you and around you, but you have more than tried my patience. I think your behavior has been inexcusable.

void

like a check!
no, but really, I feel like there should be some giant gaping void in my life because school is done with, but no. I feel just as busy, if not busier. I have my next week planned out time by time. how sad.
school ended on an ok note, still haven't gotten the grades back. i haven't been worrying about it so much. (very unlike me, kind of...) I'm making 'holiday cheer' presents for the friends. I'm pretty proud of them :)
tomorrow i'm moving the rest of my shit up to the third floor single...woooooooooooo (note the enthusiasm) i met a couple guys up on the floor and they seemed nice enough.
also, i may or may not be having lunch with raina, making brownies for the help, baking cookies after 10:15 with sophie and the gang and dropping off the car/taking my cousin west.
wednesday the fun continues with a fulll day of work (1-10) and a planning session with the cousin.
christmas eve is sure to impress with another day at work and the arrival of izzy.
christmas...we'll play by ear. hopefully the purchasing/selling of textbooks will occur.
saturday after christmas...another glamourous day at woodmans!
sunday....yet ANOTHER day at woodmans.
monday will be spent packing and figuring shit out.
tuesday i fly out. (also, i need a ride to milwaukee airport...anyone available?!!?)

and so it goes.
damn.
that's really depressing actually.

now that all that stuff is off my mind...(I should some sort of day planner for when i'm NOT in school...)
life has been mediocre. after a brief life-direction crisis, becca is back online and fully functional. the outlook she has taken is that of, "we'll see."
[reverting back to first person now] which i think is better than planning at the moment. i'll just work on the damn degree.

some questions i want ironed out:
who wears short shorts?
why did anyone ever settle in this climate?
if i were an animal, what would i be?
do people complicate their own lives, or is life dealt to people complicatedly?
is time spent on sporcle really a waste?

things i do/do not enjoy

in no particular order

do
love
late nights with giggling
thinking about things outside of myself
new vocabulary i can actually commit to memory
woodman's, when i'm not at work
the sky
my parents
my blankie (wow, that's embarrassing)
my friends
how at least some people in the world aren't selfish
engaging conversations with people I don't usually have them with
reading for fun
the right temperature
enjoying what i'm doing at a given moment in time
chai lattes
deep breaths
japanese culture
reading into other people
caring for others around me
sleeping
eating


do not
the color of the bathroom stalls in my dorm
having an exam within the next 24 hours
getting sick from noodles (i can't say i wasn't warned)
caffeinated water
useless interaction
being displeased with the world and not doing anything to change it
laziness within myself
how badly i procrastinate and then bitch about it (still have yet to read ONE lecture)
when i don't talk to someone i don't see often enough for a while
not sleeping with a cat
my lack of trustworthiness in regard to some people
hunger, disease and warfare in africa
hair in the shower
waking up before i wake myself up
boring movies i wish would end
not happy endings
how i feel right now

the return of the whiny self loathing post

Disclaimer: if you are unprepared for a whiny self-loathing post, please, do not continue, because that is precisely what you are about to get.


Tonight, a conversation turned me introspective and regretful. I am regretful of so many things--big things. Not petty ones. And it's really depressing. I wish I weren't so impulsive about some things, and more impulsive about others. For instance: I hate what I have made my love life into, and I haven't even gotten completely through one semester of college. And it's not the real relationships I regret, because those were legitimate and secure. It was the others...those I don't often mention, that I really, really, really wish would just strike from my record. Tonight I felt like such a slut. Seriously. And it was NOT a good feeling, especially because I'm struggling to be single. I mean, I'm enjoying being away from that which has possessed my attention for so long, but the feeling of being single still boasts a dull ache. A dull ache which has been lasting years already...and nothing is really covering the void now. It's kind of depressing.
Also, on the flip-side of that note, I wish I were more impulsive about other things. Like flirting. And socializing. I'm sooo shy and just uncomfortable with myself, I really need to grow up. I feel like my time is so limited and guys are soooo evanescent, I'll never find the right one. And I want him. I want him so baaad it's driving me mad.

Tonight was just one of those nights I came home feeling less about myself than when the day began. I know this feeling; it's been around before; I don't want it to continue. I know what this turns into. Tomorrow is a new day, and hopefully I can brush off my shoulders and start new. I feel like Bandura's Bobo Doll...we'll not get started on that analogy, as it could get overly complicated and I'm extremely tired right now.

Also, I've become so conflicted about Germany...I want to go SO bad and every time I hear the language, I want to leave more. I want to find myself somewhere else, because I feel like Madison is such a part of me. I feel like I'll never really escape if I don't leave! For sure I'll go, just maybe not next year, I'll go as a junior. It's just such a long, long time away. I want to go. I want to get out. I want to find something, I just don't know what yet.

Finals are this week. I've been putting minimal effort in. Not a good plan. I wish I had more sticktoitiveness. I wish so many things for myself. I wish on pennies, I wish on stars, I wish on 11:11s. I want happiness so badly for myself, and I regret not giving it to myself earlier. I regret all those nights I cried myself to sleep, so emotional, for those things that at the time seemed valid. I also regret only being somewhat superficially happy, as I am just in a kind of unknowing stupor. I feel like I've been pretty happy because I've neglected my thought processes that make my life have depth...I wish I could have depth and be happy. What a strange concept.

Bottom line here, I suppose, is I'm not happy now. I'm not optimistic, I'm not looking forward to tomorrow, winter break, or next semester. Another thing I came to realize tonight is I really enjoy being depended on, it gives my life purpose. I just wish people would be more polite about it sometimes. This, I believe, is why I want children so badly, I need people to depend on me...but I feel like what has been fundamentally missing in my life thus far is having someone to depend on.

breakthrough. whoa.

i can't depend on my parents...i seldom depended on the boy...i can't depend on normalcy, i can't depend on anything. i want someone to depend on equally as much as they depend on me. that's all I want. find me that person.

bullet point reflections

• when you need something done, it's always hardest to do it when you have a lot of time.
• school is only going on for one more day.
• i really wish someone would give me a little turquoise box from tiffany's. i understand the materialism of this statement and subsequently do not care.
  
• i'm enjoying my life, but am finding it hard to work on anything, ever.
• i am so confused about what i should do next year. i have this weird feeling about something.
• aarushi's owes mary some notes, and mary is texting me quite frequently trying to get me to get aarushi to send the notes. this is causing me stress, as aarushi will not pick up her phone.
• i get into these weird ruts of thought at woodman's. it's almost like a dream in that i can never remember what i was thinking about after i leave woodman's.
  
• this is a procrastination technique. they should make a procrastination class. no everyone would keep showing up "tomorrow".

this year in lists

10 things i regretted this semester
1. doing poorly on my econ exam.
2. eating nachos from carson's on a regular basis.
3. getting swine flu.
4. not getting a single room.
5. not applying to live on the german floor.
6. not going out enough.
7. being anti-social/introverted.
8. wasting my time...
9. getting my hopes up.
10. not changing my sheets more.

10 best things about 2009
1. college!
2. germany!
3. the best friends i have ever had
4. german
5. unseasonably warm fall
6. graduating high school
7. setting goals and sticking to them
8. being happier than i've been in a LONG time
9. being good at adapting.
10. disney world, twice. :)

10 songs of 2009 that caught my attention
1. Horchata-Vampire Weekend
2. The Beatles Anthology that I bought...(i vote this counts)
3. Buick City Complex- Old 97's
4. Missed the Boat-Modest Mouse
5. Lass Redn-Die Aerzte
6. Bright Young Thing-Albert Hammond Jr.
7. Oh, You Are the Roots that Sleep Beneath My Feet- Bright Eyes
8. Halo-Beyonce
9. Replay-some guy on the radio.
10. 99 Luftballons-Nena

10 goals for 2010
1. activity. diet. health. be better. no car.
2. actively work on school work without worrying about exams.
3. talk less, say more.
4. stay happy.
5. learn german.
6. appreciate small things.
7. fall in love.
8. write creatively.
9. follow through, on everything.
10. be kinder; think kinder.

10 momentous moments this year
1. the moment in which i realized i was no longer in love.
2. the moment in which i realized that i was not the smartest cookie in the jar.
3. the moment in which i realized i don't know what i want to be, but know i'll be able to get there.
4. the moment in which i promised myself that i'd have a positive outlook on my life.
5. the moment in which my plane touched down in germany.
6. the moment in which i received my high school diploma.
7. the moment in which i confessed to my dad for throwing a huge party at home while he was on vacation. (that took some serious courage)
8. the moment in which i was accepted to UW Madison, and the moment in which i attended my first class.
9. the moment in which i fell asleep for the first time at my 'own' place, which was actually strikingly sad.
10. every second i spend in which i feel happy.

10 foods that ruled in 2009
1. Viettaine Restaurant's Curry Tofu
2. Everything at Maharaja's Lunch Buffet
3. Carson's Nachos
4. Rheta's entire lunch menu
5. Apples!
6. The Thanksgiving Turkey that lasted not one night, but four.
7. Spaghetti Eis!
8. Taco flavored Easy Mac (haha)
9. Memorial's Cafeteria Food (spring 2009 semester)
10. The Med Cafe's menu, which I am currently working on exploring

Continuations possible.

and damn death cab, i missed you.

midnight:
i walked out with my ipod in my hand, frantically searching for a song to fit my mood...and i returned to my old flame, death cab for cutie. oh, how i forgot that feeling.
anyway, as i looked up from my ipod and it's shuffle decision, i saw the most incredible sight yet this year. it was beginning to snow. and it was so beautiful, i really can't do it justice with just words. the sky was lit up with the light pollution that those of us who spend a lot of time downtown have come to love so much; the white specks dancing down to meet my hair. absolutely incredible. the experience itself was enhanced by the instrumental at the beginning of brothers on a hotel bed--it gives me goosebumps and calms me down all at the same time.

in the moment, i didn't think about anything remarkable, but i realized that everyone in the world can experience this...you don't have to educated, smart, funny, witty, hot, cute, friendly, annoying, social, pleasant, cultured, or anything that i've been struggling to be or not to be. you just have to pay attention. and i realized that i haven't been paying attention to anything except what goes on in my little snowglobe.

and i was stunned into mental silence.

discouragement

As the semester comes to a close, I feel as if I learned a lot about myself since the beginning. I realized I'm not the smartest date in the fruit bowl, I have will power, I need friends, and I love Madison. I really love Madison. And I love those friends I do have.
Today I became highly discouraged with my progress in school so far. I got a mediocre grade on my paper, worth a fair amount of my grade (25%) and on the last test my grade was only fair. I have hope, I guess, 50% more to make up but I foresee it being pretty challenging. My econ mid-term grade comes back tomorrow, which should make me feel better (I hope, the advisory curve is set as an 84% overall is an A). I know no one wants to hear about this, but I figure blogging about it is more effective instead of bitching at everyone I know. Not effective at all.
Another part of me that I think has matured is my attitude toward dependence on boys. I don't really feel like I need one, (for the ABSOLUTE first time in a LONGGG time). It's great. Really. I don't truly feel the need to impress anyone but myself, and I dress up because I like it, not to attract somebody that probably won't look anyway. The only thing I want is to be a mom, and there are so many possibilities out there that I've begun not to worry about it so much. I just want a daughter, so much. The husband, meh. If worst comes to worst I can handle it myself.

I'm going on cruise on the first of the year with my dear cousin, Shaina. I'm quite excited, I think it'll be a blast. I'm also excited for the warmth, because today it snowed. It was pretty and kind of mystical, but the rest of the year is yet to come. I know by February I'll be singing a different tune. But I did get the chance to use my fluffy white mittens and white scarf, I thought I looked classy.

I guess the biggest new development in my life is my decision to go to Germany. The application is in, I'm going. I'm going. I can't believe it. And it's made me realize how much I love it here. I really do, there's no place I would want to grow old more. I want to travel and live my life, yes, perhaps spend some significant time away, but this is my home, and it will always be. I'm such a badger. :)

Time for me to go I guess, the hustle of Rheta's isn't exactly the most picturesque place to be writing reflective blogs...but it'll do.

consumed

Wow, that's a pun if I ever made one.

Let me explain: I'm soo consumed by econ (which deals with 'consumers') haha.

Anyway. Six hours today studying and I feel just as screwed as I did before. I don't know what to do. I'm stressed out, but not really and I'm so distracted. College, perhaps is the root of all evils. It causes me to feel stupid in comparison with my peers...I feel qualified, but just barely, and the days just kind of fade from one to the next with a neverending list of things to do contained in each. I have long term goals that I feel like I need to put on hold, for instance, my health. I feel like I'm slowly becoming unhealthy as I become increasingly engulfed with school. Now I can see the light at the end of the tunnel (one month left) but there is so much work to be done up until then it is of little consequence.

What else is new, you muse? Nothing really, I'm pretty enthusiastic about going to Germany next year. A little fearful, but mostly hopeful. Today I was accepted into Stockwerk Deutsch, which means I'll be moving up a floor in the next building and getting a single. Also, the floor speaks German all the time which I feel will be an asset to my fluency. I really need to work on that German, all my classes will be in German next year! (YIPES!)

Seeing how I am using this as a procrastination tool, I will close now with a piece of advice:

Heed my warning, friends. Avoid, under any and all circumstances, microeconomics.

the best day ever

I literally had the best day ever. I was so happy all day, I felt loved, and just happy. It's a feeling I hope to repeat many times in the future. It was so nice. So many people wished me happy birthday, and I felt like they really cared! It was awesome. Even my mediocre mid-term grade couldn't damper my mood. Oh man. I guess I just wanted to say thank you to everyone in my life. You guys are great! My day: My mom sent me an orchid, which was beautiful, my dad bought me the ENTIRE animated disney collection (!), Baruch bought me some beautiful pearl earrings (because I 'deserved' them (aww)), Aarushi gave me the most thoughtful calendar with flattering pictures of both of us on it and a CD (which I have yet to listen to), Holly and I had the most pleasant lunch date I've had in years, Raina gave me a really pretty bracelet and CD (which I also have yet to listen to), and everyone else just said happy birthday (which was plenty!) and was so pleasant it was AWESOME. I loved all the phone calls and text messages, and I really want to stress how much it all means to me. I feel so loved! I had great fun at the Nitty Gritty tonight! I am so glad to know that I have such great friends and family that mean so much to me and vice versa.

Seriously, best day ever!

Zadie

I miss Zadie. I think looking at the pictures just makes matters worse though.

I'm procrastinating HARDCORE.

god help me.

is

it better now?

hope you have a good night :)

bad day

My first 'bad' day in college was today. It was pretty awful. I was just in a bad frame of mind which made things difficult enough already; the day was tainted by my attitude. To begin with, I wrote not a SINGLE word correctly on the board in Hebrew, with the whole class watching me. Seriously, it was humiliating because I totally know the difference between a gimmel and a zayin and a backwards dalet and a forwards dalet. Anyway. After that I had International Studies, which was fine. I feel enlightened. I need to get a book for that. Whoops. Aarushi, Jason, Baruch and I went to A8 China for a free lunch (yes, there is such a thing!) which went well. After that, I went to Baruch's house, and then came back to the dorm room to an equal, if not greater, unproductivity. At least I showered.
I ended up leaving my phone at Baruch's house. So I had to retrieve it after a somewhat grievious session with the chancellor at the ILC Roundtable dinner. It was awful. Everyone here thinks I'm super conservative or something, but that's not how I meant it. I feel like I'm so inwardly harsh that I appologize for my actions way to much. I need to act with decisiveness, and stop feeling so self-conscious. Hopefully this is part of the proverbial "finding yourself" in college.
I have econ homework that is like the elephant in the room.

Last night, I went to dinner with the cousins, and we had a really nice night. We went to Cafe Costa Rica and the food was quite amazing! I love my cousins.

And Zadie! Oh Zadie. The cutest little kitten that anyone ever did see. Baruch, Shaina and I went to go get Kittens from my uncle Brian's farm on Saturday. They're soo cute, but they have horrid earmites. And I'm worried about Zadie because she IS so tiny. She's half the weight of the others. I'm hoping that Baruch keeps the place airy and keeps her fed well so she doesn't develop any serious lasting health problems. I love her though. She's absolutely adorable, and reminds me of Muffy at a young age, purry, furry, and playful. She's more cuddly than playful though. Good enough for me. She cheers me right on up! Shaina's kittens are cute too though, not as fuzzy, but cute :) I doubt a kitten could ever NOT be cute. hah.
I guess my life isn't so bad. Today was just a rough day. we all have them, right?

the first week

I love that song. It's great. Anyway, the more literal meaning of the title is that it's the first week of class for me as a University student. Yesterday, I successfully navigated my way through classes, which was a bonus, but have yet to do any real homework. yesssss. Today I have only one class, as my International Studies professor is out of town or something. no class in that until tuesday. i really liked both of my classes, the professors were each pretty nice and seemed like they would be good teachers. Except econ. She seemed supremely boring, in a supernatural kind of way...like her words could magically put someone to sleep.
anyway. my hebrew professor looks like a nice old israeli gypsy. and my german professor seemed nice and very knowledgable about german.
I'm reading the book for the campus, "In Defense of Food" by Micheal Pollan. It's so interesting, and it evokes guilt in me because of the way I eat. But still, quality reading.
I've met some friends here, but I've also been hanging out with Aarushi, Jason, and Sasha. I see them alot. I like all the new people I'm meeting, even my roommate! She's actually quite nice and we have cooperative schedules, so it's not really awkward to be in the room together at the same time. I have yet to hang one poster. I guess that was random. It's that time, time for class.

bis spaeter.

the hypothetical countdown

So, I move in on Thursday. I know this has been a long time coming, but I just don't feel like I feel like I should. It's weird. I'm not that excited. I'm more excited for school than for moving or anything, I have this feeling I'm going to be really lonely!! I've started reading one of the books for International Studies called "The Post-American World" and it's quite interesting. I hope I become as insightful as the author. He's so knowledgeable. I bet he's hot.

I worked today at Woodman's after coming home from a short stint in Chicago, which was quite fun. I saw Chaya (back from Israel and Poland) and Mendel and the rest of the Moskovits family. I love them. :) I gave away my guitar after years to Daniel Handelman, who is moving to New York on Sunday. Crazy. It's so weird that all my friends are in college now too. Anyway, Woodman's was crazy busy and I had to check the whole time. I'm hoping tomorrow is slower and I get to do distress. After work I'm hoping to come home and get some packing done for the dorms.

One thing I'm totally hyped up for is the fall! I love fall weather, it's my favorite season. I love the crisp air, until it becomes bitingly cold, and the smell of the leaves in the wind. Oh, fall. When I was a kid I used to jump in all the leaf piles, and I feel like that enthusiasm never really left me, but instead of jumping into the leaves, I'm metaphorically jumping into school, and friends, and pumpkins and harvests and everything the fall usually brings.

A weekend

So I have an unprecedented two days off from working anywhere (wtf, right?!) but it's been surprisingly unrelaxing. It's been just as hectic and painful as actually being at work.

Izzy came in to Madison this weekend, Baruch and I drove to Milwaukee to go get him, which was tiring. It's really nice to see him and I'm so happy he's liking Madison!! Yesterday I just worked from eight to five at Woodman's, which sucked, but afterword we all went down to the the Terrace and had some Strongbow. It was delicious, and there was crazy Latin dancing. It was truly enjoyable! Supposedly there was some weird drama going on with Dhanze and Izzy...they hate each other. Hahaha. Not surprising. Today was highly uneventful, we hung around Baruch's new apartment until about one, then we came home and just vegged. There was some "mackie wac" casserole action and viewing of Curb Your Enthusiasm. I just dropped off the mo bros for some alone time, which I feel like I desperately need. Aarushi and Jason are supposed to come over soon to watch Secret Life, I'm happy to finally be seeing Aarushi, I've been the antithesis of social since I have to work all the time.

So that was a recap on my life. I feel overwhelmed, school is starting soon...I'm beginning to worry about what I want to be. I was so sure that I wanted to be a diplomat. But now I feel like it's not good enough and maybe people are right that science is the only route to success. I feel dumb. I wish I was more mentally stimulated on a regular basis. I've started working out of my German workbook, and ultimately I feel like it's productive.

Enough about my boring life.
I'm happy, although I whine alot. I hate whining. And I do it alot. New goal has definately been set to a lower whine level.

I'm out.

The Final Weeks of Summer

It's incredible how time flies when you're young. I've spent all summer working and anticipating school that I forgot about the little moments that have made up the interim. I feel like the individual moments of my life are getting sucked into a faster, greater chain of events and becoming inconsequential. I really wish I could create a reduce speed button like on TiVO. heh

Things around here have been going fine, I'm looking forward to moving downtown in a few weeks. Jerry and Mel are living in the basement for a couple weeks, until Jerry can move into his new apartment and Mel goes to Spain! Jerry, Shaina and I all want to go to Spain this winter break. I'm hoping such things happen.

Baruch and I have been whatever it is that we are. It's ok. I have doubts sometimes.

Aarushi and I got back from DC last week. I've worked steadily since.

I just got a new bike for UW. It's like four inches bigger than my last bike, so it's nicer. Easier to go up hills with. The whole process was a point of contention for my dad and I, I ended up whining more than was necessary and ended up feeling like a fool at the end. Sometimes I don't understand my emotions, or why I can't keep a lid on it.

Keiona is over right now. She's surfing the internet. And listening to some ghetto music, which I do not like at all. :( I don't know what my Friday night has in store for me. Hopefully it will involve a shower and some good music.

We went to the library today and they were out of the Time Traveler's Wife, The Princess Diaries and Bridget Jones. Sucks. I'm hoping to get one book in by the time school starts. I read the Magic Tree House Penguin book yesterday at the Grimmer household while they played Sims. It sucked...those things used to be so entertaining!! I'm hoping to build up enough patience to read Pride and Prejudice at some point....

enough for now. time to take the child home.

new

So Xanga, I've heard, is highly outdated. For earlier posts of little importance, visit:
http://www.xXx_self_cleaning_oven_xXx.xanga.com

Otherwise, this will be the next step in my blogging career. I guess it's pretty self-explanatory. Little introduction necessary.