everything looks perfect from far away

Like watching Manhattan [highly recommend, by the way]. New York looks shiny and beautiful, and I've been thinking about moving seriously now for a while. But I will never move to New York. New York is not the shiny wide-screened beautiful place it lays claim to be in romantic movies, rather it's a city like any other, but more expensive and with more crime. And all that romantic, big city, 'these lights will inspire you' notion I have will just get crushed if I move there. But Boston looks nice...

It's crazy because I have so little time left here, and time is moving so fast. I have ten months left, broken up as follows: after I get back from Kenya (hopefully, if all works out with CNA), I'll have six months to enjoy the city I love before either leaving, or committing to be here for life, practically. And I have to make that decision before I leave for Germany! So I basically have one year to figure out my life. I wonder if time will continue to pass this incredibly fast in the future.

This week has been great. I've been so busy and I'm loving it...but I still feel a very distinct emptiness where homework should reside. I constantly feel like I'm forgetting something but I think it's just the absence of an extra four credits and one extremely ridiculous Biology class. Thank goodness that's over with.

There are other things in my life that need to be done too. I've been looking so positively at the world lately, I've been doing so well. I've gotten comments from certain parents concerning their lack of faith in me, or how I'm a horrible person but I've just brushed them off. And despite these criticisms, I continue to call said parent bi-daily and be friendly. I'm doing well for myself and I've found something that I really want to do with my life. Perhaps I've outgrown frustration.

In other news, I made a great pun today. We were discussing temperature in my Physiology Lab and we were in a bit of an argument, so I called over the TA and said, "we're having a heated debate about this..."


It was awesome. And I'm crediting Myriah with this one, "Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? All that was left was da Brie."

bad luck

oyyyy

missing time

Do you ever miss a time? I feel like I spend a lot of time missing bygone periods of my life. I guess this habit becomes really depressing because I'll never get them back. Do I even realize I'm living them when I am? I think I do, at least in this case. When I was younger, I don't think I thought that I'd miss that specific day, but now, I remind myself that I'm going to miss being 20 years old one day. I'm going to wish I could go back to this date in my history, to this room, to this apartment, to my classes, etc. Depressingly, I think that type of thought about my life a year ago. I figure though, when I get older I don't think I'll care whether it was a year ago or today, I'll just long for youth, which scares me, because I often can't wait to get older. I need to live in today.

Weird moods continue. ?

the saddest day of the year

Yeah, have you heard that? The third week of January is supposed to be roughest week of the year, specifically the Monday of that week. I find that kind of insane because I was feeling really sad today...seasonal downness? They say that sunshine helps, but it snowed all day.
I felt really alone and isolated. I honestly hope this isn't the way the rest of the semester will go down.

Putting that aside, I am really excited for school to start, unfortunately my day tomorrow is extra light so I only will be spending one actual hour in a class that I mostly take for fun (German). But, I'll be filling my day with the Klein Lab and some quality cooking (I made a Banana Cream Pie today...haven't tried it yet).

I watched Big last night at like 3 in the morning. I don't know what's up with my moods lately, no sleep, but being tired...I feel like I'm in some sort of half dream nightmare thing. Exercise is in order, perhaps, but the thing with that is it's just so miserable and cold to get out and get skimpy running clothes on and go to the gym. Rough.

Enough bitching. I'm going to be okay.

dum vivimus vivamus

i didn't feel like doing much today...i guess this could be due to the fact that i stayed up all night, but it was strange because when i tried to sleep this morning, i was just too...thought consumed. my thoughts just raced--do you ever have those nights? nights when you just can't sleep? for no reason?? I mean, I was so comfortable and warm and just wanted more than anything to sleep, but i couldn't...

new year's resolutions:

• stop living in the future, enjoy today.
• what will be will be, so let it be.

comfort

I will always take comfort in knowing that I have someone to confide in in myself. I mean, I can talk to myself and not edit what I write or think. I'll always be there for me. I know this is a weird random thought, but I really love it. I love that thought!

Other things that I will always take comfort in:
my bed
reading
the smell of vanilla
music
seeing the sun out (why has Madison become so overcast lately?)
cheese

could my house be any colder?

A frigid 64 degrees inside my dad's house. Why he keeps it this cold, I will never know. I cannot feel my fingers.

Wisconsin, hello. I missed you, but I don't think it has hit me that I'm not getting out of here until spring. I mean, hopefully I'll go somewhere over spring break. Hopefully.

Miss Florida. Sad thought that I won't be going there so much in 2011.

Favorite thing about Winter that I always forget about: the pocket space! I can carry so much in my pockets. I kind of miss that when I'm away. Also, hot beverages taste so much better up here.

waiting, angles, and dreams

What troubles me most about my youth is not only the ephemeral nature of it, but also the fact that I rarely live in the time I exist in. I'm always waiting for something, nervous about something, looking forward to something, I can never just think about how great today is, or is going to be. Like, now, I'm looking forward to school starting and going home and seeing my friends and Aaron coming back, but yet, I find myself in this beautiful city unable to enjoy the here and now. What is frustrating most about this is I know that 50 year old Becca is going to look back and think, "why couldn't you just enjoy those two days? You'll never be 20 again, you're wasting your youth away." I don't want it to be like that, you know? I want to wake up one day and enjoy the process. Tonight I want to fall asleep not thinking, "I'm one step closer to Tuesday" but rather thinking along the lines of, "I need sleep. This feels great."
Fairly unrelated thoughts:
I always remember angles of places I am. Like this apartment. I've memorized the angles on the walls and doors in the rooms I've been staying in...I don't know why I do this. I do it all the time though, and then when I dream I recreate places really vividly and have a hard time accepting these happenings were in dreams. For instance, when I was younger, I memorized the angles on the ride 'Splash Mountain' and I'd always dream about it. I'd want to go back to Disney World SO badly, and the dreams would intensify every winter when we'd come down to Florida. I'd always imagine the reddish barn at the end of the ride that says, "It's the truth, it's actual! Everything is satisfactual!" and that would tell me that it was real...but it was always still a dream. I'm not sure if this is a positive trait or a negative one.

Speaking of traits, I am feeling especially appreciative of my ambition. I realize that I am a really ambitious person. If I want something, I will do it, I will work hard to achieve my goals. I think this almost can be attributed to the whole Disney thing growing up, because there really is only one way to make your dreams come true...work! Not to channel The Princess and the Frog or anything (which I am indifferent to in a mostly positive way). I really want to believe in dreams coming true.

hello 2011

It's been 11 years since the whole Y2K thing. What the hell was that by the way?

I got back from my cruise this morning. The cruise experience itself was...an experience. I honestly think I am blessed in life, it's an amazing life. But that cruise was not amazing. It just wasn't.

Shaina and I are in Miami for the next few days...until Wednesday. We're staying at Aaron's apartment. I must admit it is strange to be in a place that someone else normally is when they aren't there. It's kind of sad for me, because of all the time that I am not here and he is, I am here and he isn't. If you see that? It's also weird to live in someone else's life. Which is what I feel like I'm doing for the next few days. I do like Miami though, we have a lot to do here. I am grateful.

We lost the Rose Bowl...an omen for the year ahead?