i lose the days
waiting for something:
bring new life to my existence.
hope that today is better than yesterday
that tomorrow is better than today.
my dreams and goals
will be respected and followed
the chances i take will expand my horizons
and the cautions i use will save me.
things will be better
i will proceed
life will grant me purpose
i'll grow and be freed.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
der Plan dieser Woche
I have so much to say, but I'm just going with the simplistic style of blogging for the moment.
Busy Week.
Busy Friday.
Conversational English Tutoring.
Home.
Busy Saturday at Woodman's.
Dinner at Mom's.
Busy Sunday at Woodman's.
Sunday night WSUM.
Monday classes straight through.
Tuesday sex.
Studying like nobody's business.
Kinsey.
Wednesday class.
Econ midterm.
Deutsch pruefung.
Sex readings.
Celebrate.
Thursday wake up.
Go to sex.
Lunch with Sarah.
Fly Away.
Busy Week.
Busy Friday.
Conversational English Tutoring.
Home.
Busy Saturday at Woodman's.
Dinner at Mom's.
Busy Sunday at Woodman's.
Sunday night WSUM.
Monday classes straight through.
Tuesday sex.
Studying like nobody's business.
Kinsey.
Wednesday class.
Econ midterm.
Deutsch pruefung.
Sex readings.
Celebrate.
Thursday wake up.
Go to sex.
Lunch with Sarah.
Fly Away.
Monday, February 15, 2010
run, becca, run
i really want to run this half marathon!
i'm so excited...
if only i had the will power!!!
and now i'm going to go run. for real.
i'm so excited...
if only i had the will power!!!
and now i'm going to go run. for real.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
valentine's day
this is the second post in my blogging lifetime with this title.
i hope this one is happier than the last few have been.
(i think it will be)
i don't like the days that make me remember love. love was the worst thing to ever happen to me. it made me different, like someone who's not actually me. now i'm so different from that--i was so dependent, like a leech, on my own emotions. i was hinged.
now my thoughts are clearer, i have a sense of reality back. i enjoy it. and it's startling how okay with this i am on valentine's day.
in retrospect, if i had just spent less time trying to take pity and be in love and live up to an ideal, i would've been happier, but let this be a learning experience and a reminder as to how i should never conduct myself in the future. i used to believe in love above all things. maybe there's truth in that, but maybe, just maybe, love is not a wild boundless emotion like i had imagined. maybe love is controllable and able to be molded into something nice and productive, instead of scary and mercurial.
i may seem calloused from the becca of the past, but i'm more grounded now. i understand that love is not always what you see in movies a la the notebook, and my love wasn't like that anyway. it was twisted and distorted, just like my world view.
recently, i've tried to imagine a never-ending deep, emotional-roller-coaster love like i used to believe in, and i just can't see it anymore.
in the past, i would have argued the whole 'with great power comes great responsibility' thing. for instance, just because the bad times are bad the good times are worth it...but when the good times aren't worth it, and the bad times are terrible, there's no excuse to dwell on the situation. it's a great feeling to know you care so deeply for a cause that you're willing to ruin your life for it, very romantic indeed, but it's so heart wrenching and not worth it. i'd rather live in a numbness than feel the pain of that mess for a long, long time.
i guess, i'm in a phase in which i've grown out of love. i mean, not like fell out of love, but literally grown out of the concept of love. i'm not romantic like that anymore. i don't see the balance associated with it. i want reciprocation.
i acknowledge that it is a phase. i know it is. it'll pass, but for now, valentine's day is good because i know that there are people floating around my life who really care about me--in love with me or not. it's not the most important thing. i love my friends, a love stronger and more constant than that for any romance, which is a great feeling to have. maybe that's the kind of love you are supposed to find with your guy: the kind where you know it's constant and you don't fight and you love them for them and because they care for you. where's that guy?
he'll come along, i'm sure.
anyway. happy valentine's day.
i hope this one is happier than the last few have been.
(i think it will be)
i don't like the days that make me remember love. love was the worst thing to ever happen to me. it made me different, like someone who's not actually me. now i'm so different from that--i was so dependent, like a leech, on my own emotions. i was hinged.
now my thoughts are clearer, i have a sense of reality back. i enjoy it. and it's startling how okay with this i am on valentine's day.
in retrospect, if i had just spent less time trying to take pity and be in love and live up to an ideal, i would've been happier, but let this be a learning experience and a reminder as to how i should never conduct myself in the future. i used to believe in love above all things. maybe there's truth in that, but maybe, just maybe, love is not a wild boundless emotion like i had imagined. maybe love is controllable and able to be molded into something nice and productive, instead of scary and mercurial.
i may seem calloused from the becca of the past, but i'm more grounded now. i understand that love is not always what you see in movies a la the notebook, and my love wasn't like that anyway. it was twisted and distorted, just like my world view.
recently, i've tried to imagine a never-ending deep, emotional-roller-coaster love like i used to believe in, and i just can't see it anymore.
in the past, i would have argued the whole 'with great power comes great responsibility' thing. for instance, just because the bad times are bad the good times are worth it...but when the good times aren't worth it, and the bad times are terrible, there's no excuse to dwell on the situation. it's a great feeling to know you care so deeply for a cause that you're willing to ruin your life for it, very romantic indeed, but it's so heart wrenching and not worth it. i'd rather live in a numbness than feel the pain of that mess for a long, long time.
i guess, i'm in a phase in which i've grown out of love. i mean, not like fell out of love, but literally grown out of the concept of love. i'm not romantic like that anymore. i don't see the balance associated with it. i want reciprocation.
i acknowledge that it is a phase. i know it is. it'll pass, but for now, valentine's day is good because i know that there are people floating around my life who really care about me--in love with me or not. it's not the most important thing. i love my friends, a love stronger and more constant than that for any romance, which is a great feeling to have. maybe that's the kind of love you are supposed to find with your guy: the kind where you know it's constant and you don't fight and you love them for them and because they care for you. where's that guy?
he'll come along, i'm sure.
anyway. happy valentine's day.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
un-exciting
yes, I realize it's a weird title, but I'm going with it.
My life is like it says, un-exciting...I'm happy to be busy though. I'm stressing about school already, not a good thing. I have little to no idea what to write for this honors proposal, and I think that may be a better use of my time than writing this blog post. Alas, I write on.
WISPIRG=most disorganized org ever, just an fyi. They're contributing to my lack of material for an honors proposal. Aarushi and I had to jump through some giant, pointless loops today that just frustrated me and made me NOT want to participate in the organization at all. Stupid.
It's bitterly cold. I'm cold all the time. And it's valentine's week, making the week even more bitterly cold and lonely.
I don't understand why they put Valentine's day in the middle of frigid February. And by they, I mean the people who decide these types of things. Who are they? Who's idea was this? And what's up with August not having any holidays? Isn't that a little unfair?
There was an earthquake in the wee hours of the morning this morning. Highly unlikely considering that I live in the middle of Wisconsin in the middle of a tectonic plate with no fault lines around to speak of. It's a little unsettling that this is the second earthquake I have memory of (although I was asleep for the first one). Is this normal/should we be concerned? Maybe it's like Earth is yelling at us or something and has some sort of indigestion.
I'm at home tonight on account of me having an optometry appointment tomorrow. Hope my eyes aren't any worse.
Tomorrow we have sex class. Sex is always a highlight of my day. :) I'm hoping I get to see Sarah too. She's also a highlight of my days.
I guess that about sums it up, other than the usual, "I hope my life turns out ok at this rate" stuff, I'm doing just fine.
My life is like it says, un-exciting...I'm happy to be busy though. I'm stressing about school already, not a good thing. I have little to no idea what to write for this honors proposal, and I think that may be a better use of my time than writing this blog post. Alas, I write on.
WISPIRG=most disorganized org ever, just an fyi. They're contributing to my lack of material for an honors proposal. Aarushi and I had to jump through some giant, pointless loops today that just frustrated me and made me NOT want to participate in the organization at all. Stupid.
It's bitterly cold. I'm cold all the time. And it's valentine's week, making the week even more bitterly cold and lonely.
I don't understand why they put Valentine's day in the middle of frigid February. And by they, I mean the people who decide these types of things. Who are they? Who's idea was this? And what's up with August not having any holidays? Isn't that a little unfair?
There was an earthquake in the wee hours of the morning this morning. Highly unlikely considering that I live in the middle of Wisconsin in the middle of a tectonic plate with no fault lines around to speak of. It's a little unsettling that this is the second earthquake I have memory of (although I was asleep for the first one). Is this normal/should we be concerned? Maybe it's like Earth is yelling at us or something and has some sort of indigestion.
I'm at home tonight on account of me having an optometry appointment tomorrow. Hope my eyes aren't any worse.
Tomorrow we have sex class. Sex is always a highlight of my day. :) I'm hoping I get to see Sarah too. She's also a highlight of my days.
I guess that about sums it up, other than the usual, "I hope my life turns out ok at this rate" stuff, I'm doing just fine.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Sunday, February 7, 2010
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