baggage

Everyone has problems, everyone deals with stuff. Everyone goes to work/school/hang outs with baggage...

I don't like this hierarchy of baggage business. I don't like that people triage their baggage when talking to other people...as if anyone's problems really outweigh someone elses. I feel like on those days where everything runs smoothly for me, I'll always have 'fallback' problems to complain about/worry about: my weight, my lack of boyfriend, my hectic life and my other various insecurities. Everyone, no matter if they were raised in a perfect household or have to deal with an abundance of life's obstacles, everyone has this problem threshold. When the threshold is exceded we end up stressed out, overwhelmed, and crazy. Under that personal threshold and it's all manageable. 

I guess in some ways (in many ways) I've been blessed with one of the weirdest childhoods in human history; with having adult responsibilities at a young age. I don't take stuff for granted. I work. I take care of my parents more than they take care of me. But I try my hardest not to complain or make people feel bad about their problems! I know that finding a job is difficult or that that test you bombed might seem like the end of the world (hell, we've all been there, too!) those things are a big deal. Your boyfriend dumping you is still a big deal to me even though my mom is sick. The fact that you're shivering because your heat doesn't work in your apartment also sucks! You finally had to get a job after being cut off from your parents? Lame. Haven't gotten laid in years? Cat just died? That stuff all sucks. That's why I've been trying (unsuccessfully?) just to keep cancer stuff in. No one needs to feel like their big problems are irrelevant or trumped or anything...I just happen to have been dealt a crappy hand of poker. No one needs an extra human to worry about; we've all got shit, we've all got baggage. We might not win this round, but who says we lost the game?

I guess that's the kicker then: the way others deal with it. Nothing is impossible, no challenge too great. Take what life throws at you and throw it right back with as much grace and dignity as was whipped at you. Look on the positive side sometimes, people! You can still play with a bad hand, no need to quit the game just yet.

crumbling

Sometimes I wonder how normal girls in nursing school live. I wonder about those people that wake up in the mornings and shower, put foundation on, and blow dry their hair. I wonder what they think about as they pull on all their winter gear and head out the door to bike to class. I wonder what they think about as they sit there and pay attention without letting their mind wander across an ocean. I wonder what happens at lunch when they chat with all their friends about their school work, their boyfriends, they're super diets to save up the calories for Thanksgiving. I wonder what they do after school, do they go to the library to actually read the assigned chapters? Do they read extra, above and beyond what's required for the quizzes? After studying, do they go home to their friends and boyfriends and do fun things? Do they work sometimes? Do they call their parents? Do they go to the gym?

I feel so alienated from normalcy lately. I feel like I've (surprise surprise) been thrust into that corner of grown-up responsibility compounded by many too many previous responsibilities that just seem to grow like insatiable raccoons hiding in the garbage cans outside my window. Yep, I think they're out there, I hear rustling sometimes. Raccoons, if you're reading, kindly leave our backyard.

When I read back on what I think normal people do, I guess it's not so far from what I do usually, except for the constantly thinking about escaping this place and worrying that I'm going to die or my family is going to die. I feel like my hypochondria is waning lately...replaced with constant worry about my mom. I guess I've never really been confronted by someone dying before. Or possibly dying. I tried to keep that thought at the very, very back of my mind. Tried to keep my chin up. I convinced myself that my mom will survive this, obviously, there's very little risk here. When I hear the risks, I just kind of assume that she'll be in the upward swing of that statistic, that death won't find her after she's run so feistily after all these years. But I guess the truth of the matter is that there is a very real and scary chance that I could lose my mother really soon. That she won't respond very well to the chemo and it will kill her faster than the cancer would have. I don't know how to think of that. I guess it's like trying to imagine a googolplex things...unfathomable basically. I'm not sure how I would take it. I guess the chances of my outliving my mom are pretty reasonable, so I'm not sure how I will take it. I have this grand plan that if that happens, I'm just going to uproot and forget my life here. Just start over. Take it as a sign of being free to do what I want.

I'm so confused and trying to stay strong to show everyone else that it will be okay too. I was doing a great job, and I hope to still be, but is it at the cost of reality? At the cost of accepting my mothers mortality?

adjustments continue

It's been a long two weeks, but also I guess a short two weeks. (Totally going for that Charles Dickens vibe right now). I've started my new (incredibly time consuming) job at Oakwood, which I love and gives me the experiences I want and reminds me why I want to be a nurse every day. I worked a lot this week: 35+ hours, plus school, plus working with the guy I work with in home. I didn't get much homework done, but I did try to get things turned in on time. One big regret from last weekend was letting social time get in the way of a good grade (may have ruined my chances at getting an A in that class at all, but hey, maybe this is just a sign from god for me to just not give so much of my soul to school anymore...)

I'm 22 now, and feel like I'm getting older. It's harder to concentrate. It's harder to retain information. It's harder to learn things. It's harder to have patience for slowly but surely becoming a cat lady.

All this work lately with dying/elderly people has me thinking about so many things in such a major way. First of all, I am scared of dying alone, still, after all these years, I'm pretty sure my worst fear is still dying alone. Watching people care for their loved ones while they are in the last hours/days/months/years of their lives is touching and makes me happy for them, sad for them, and oddly jealous all at the same time. Happy because there is so much love out there, so many people full of life and hope that they want to remind people how much they're loved right up until their last breaths. Remind them of their lives worth living. There is so much life and energy and humor in these people (the families...not always the patients. Patients can be rather frightening at times and also to all those who believed that dying was a graceful passage into the great beyond, spoiler alert! it's not.) Sad for them in that these types of events can tear apart families. It ends marriages. The death of a spouse seems like one of the most traumatizing experiences that one could experience...It's nice to see the strength of humanity but terribly depressing all at the same time to know that as humans we have to endure such pain. Jealousy happens only because part of me, somewhere deep down, has a strong sneaking suspicion that I will die alone blah blah blah because of all the aforementioned reasons in this blog (blah blah blah I want it so bad that it'll never happen to me, etc, etc, etc). Not to steal a line from Mr. Gibbard again, but who's going to watch you die?


Anyway, off of that depressing business. Life here has also felt antsy. Lost. In the way that I know that something isn't right but I can't pinpoint it at all. I feel like my experiences recently have ruined me for real life. I feel like this is no longer my life, but rather some bookmarked page in a book that I put down for a year and picked back up and only vaguely remember the plot and main characters mid-way through the story. I wonder if this feeling will ever alleviate itself.

I'm going to Germany in 38 days. I literally count the hours. I look at somewhat torturous tasks as just ways to make it hours closer to my deparature. Anything to get away from here again...so much stress and worrying and not enough (but somehow all at once way too much?) socializing.



My life has taken a turn for the extremely weird and incredibly disorganized.

---

some people want to consider something the 'worst day of their lives' but how many 'worst days of your life' can you have? how many before you just become calloused to the whole idea of having a bad day at all? maybe some [big] things go really, really, really wrong, but maybe that one thing just makes you smile for one second. or maybe you forget about how scared you are about something for a couple seconds and just remember that you're still alive now and will probably be tomorrow. remember that there are things worth looking forward to. that there are things in the past that make your life thus far worth living for.

the perks of being a wilted flower

I guess first off, the perks of being a wilted flower is that no one has to water you and you still have pretty colors. Very low maintenance.

Last night, Connie and I went to go see The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I was totally emotionally traumatized from it, to be honest. I remember reading the book at a really difficult time in my life...before high school, when things were a little rough with my mother. I think I identified really well with the main character. I really want to read the book again, now in college, because I read it in middle school and high school and found different things about it each time that struck me. Having hindsight while reading it will probably be good for me, too.

Last night I went out, but came home early, with some friends I hadn't seen in a long time and then I met up with some Bonners. Seeing Bonners sometimes really upsets me (this week especially) because I want to go back so bad it hurts. It really, really hurts.

Apply principles learned there: live each day in the moment! I am young! I am free! I am going to be a nurse! But sometimes it's just not that easy.


Today I work and then I really need to get some homework done. We'll see how far I get...

shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots

That has been my life this week! Starting with tequila shots in Milwaukee on Saturday evening. It was a good weekend even though I totally missed out on seeing Obama on Saturday. I hope that he'll come to Madison again before his time as President is through, as I haven't really properly gotten to see him. I really hope Obama wins this election, he's so accessible although he has his flaws as do all politicians, I can't help but wonder what terrors this country would be subjected to should Romney actually win. I can't even imagine how far backwards we could fall.

So, getting out of the whole political business, this week is getting real in Nursing School. It's been difficult to keep up with all the information I need to know for all the different classes, but I'm starting to get the hang of it. There are so many little assignments and things that can really easily be missed or overlooked it can get a little overwhelming at times. Not to mention when you wake up so early in the morning, 10 o'clock in the morning feels like lunchtime and I seem to have this insatiable hunger.

Today, after my pharmacology exam (first exam of the semester, didn't study enough, was a little bumpy but too late to sweat it now) there were shots to celebrate! Not the tequila sort, of course, but rather the type given intradermally or muscularly. I think that's the moment that every nurse remembers...maybe? Giving her first shot. I was the first person in the class to do it, and I was pretty frightened. I can't really explain the sensation...at first we had to give them to ourselves in our tummies, which HURT. I think I did it too slow when I did that one and it was rather painful. The second shot I administered was on one of my lab mates...I also went to slow on her and she said that wasn't so pleasant. But on the bright side, I managed to pull of a beautiful intradermal injection without a hitch! We practiced further on a 'fat bag' (yep, just a bag of fat) so I think I'm better at it now. The whole trick is to know that you have to stick someone with confidence and decision. You aren't going to hurt them if you're quick, but you will if you coddle them too much! It's really an opposite type situation. My lab instructor said that a lot of times nurses will hit bone, but luckily that didn't happen to me. The main goal was to act confident and not say 'oops' or other goofy comments to make your patient doubt your abilities. It's hard to keep things to myself sometimes and not give full disclosure about how inexperienced I am.

Other things that happened...I got a second job! All is back to normal now. I hope it's not a problem that I'm going to Germany this summer. (Although I am a little worried, hospital in Bonn hasn't gotten back to me after a week, do I e-mail again?) It will be a huge time suck and I'm probably missing out on a trip to Florida because of it, but ultimately it's worth it and I need the money. And the experience. It's a wonderful place to have a first CNA (as a team) job.

Half an hour nap on this desk before German? Sounds about right to me.

ciao

the first day

So, I'm sitting here at the Health Sciences Learning Center after my first morning working/shadowing up on the Oncology Floor at the University Hospital. It was a really interesting experience, which I will try to sum up here in thoughts and actual events. So. Here's how it went:

I woke up at 5am (heeeyyyy it's still pitch black, are you kidding me?!) shivering and kind of just accepted my fate, hopped in the shower, and got ready in record time to leave the house. The bike ride to the hospital was interesting, cloaked in a stylish UW Nursing School Uniform, I kept worrying that I would fall and eat cement, ruining my bleach white scrub top. Luckily, I made it all the way to the floor relatively problem free. When we arrived, we received our assignments, the first hour we followed around a nursing assistant (which I am technically licensed to do, so it was no new exciting experience, but a nice ease in to the rest of the morning). One challenging part of shadowing the Nurse's Aide was knowing that I am going shortly going to be in a position that is above her even though she was so much older an more experienced than I feel right now. It was weird because when we asked her questions about passing meds or some of the technology around the ward, she really had no idea because that wasn't in her scope of practice. It was nerve wracking knowing that I will have more responsibility than someone and will be responsible for bossing people around at some point in the very, very near future. Especially people who are older than me...it shows I'm going to have to have some authority and really know what I'm talking about in these situations. I should probably start studying more.

Anyway, after following around the NA for the first part, we switched to shadowing an RN, my potential future career. She was passing medicines, which was really interesting to watch. She was so knowledgeable about all of the meds she was giving and knew so much about her patient's dispositions...she knew how they would react to taking the medicines, who was a nice patient, who was grumpy...and she had all these tricks to help her patients feel special and unique even though her world was so complicated and she had so many patients to take care of. I want to be that type of person, the warm, caring person that makes each patient feel loved and taken care of, safe and trusting. It's really inspiring, especially when we would go into rooms that she would preface with: "this one isn't looking so good...the cancer has basically spread to his whole body" or "this family is going through a lot right now" or "he really wants to go home today, but we don't know if it'd be such a good idea." She had the perfect balance of not being too invested in these people's lives that she was going to get hurt, but still careful and warm to the patients and their families. I can't say enough about that.
So after some debriefing and charting practice (it's surprising how much of nursing is just knowing what and how to write things on charts for patients for other people to read and understand without having too much information or too little...) I'm sitting here waiting for my afternoon clinic, which I'll be visiting the Infusion Clinic. I'm not quite sure what that's about yet, but I will keep you all updated should anyone want to know.

I'm loving this job. Sometimes I get scared that I'm not doing enough to keep up. I feel like I've become a more average student since returning from Germany...I tend to put off doing work and just don't do extra work at all...which needs to change. I want to excel and be passionate and knowledgeable just like the other nurses. I have aspirations! I need to get my head in the game. One thing I've been working on more is focus. Do you have have those days where you just feel like you are somewhere else mentally? I need to actually have my head where I am, which I think will be helped out a lot once I get this whole internship stuff figured out for next summer. Things are looking good, the e-mail stuff and actual work in German should be greatly decreased for now. I'm literally still counting days though. I just want to go back...it's been weird since I've been home, this whole month. I feel like I had some weird switch go off in my brain and now I just try to fill my life with as much German stuff as I can so I can keep it all from slipping right through my fingers. I don't want to be the German obsessed girl here, but I am. It'll fix itself soon...things will balance out, but for now, the small things like blasting Peter Fox and CRo in my car make me happy, the big things like keeping in contact with my friends from Europe make me really happy, and connecting with other people in Madison also affiliated with Germany are nice additions to this school year. Being on a different continent also affected the way I deal with my family, which is an interesting side effect I didn't expect. I think it's improved many things about my outlook on that kind of stuff too.

Wednesday was a terrible day to learn from; among other terrible things, I lost my keys, had a little stress breakdown, and felt so crappy. Some days are like that though, I suppose. It feels good to be on the upswing of that, yesterday I FOUND my keys on my way to test drive cars for fun (buy Volkswagens, people!!) I try to keep positive and am just waiting for the next stress wave to roll over me and make me that much stronger.

I'm still hungry after 2 granola bars, an apple, and a sandwich. Metabolism problems or just legit super hungry? you be the judge.

influence

I've been doing a lot of people thinking lately...my German class today really made me think about interactions with people that can change lives, moments of lives, outcomes of lives...or have so many immeasurable influences on others. We're reading a book called, "Wenn gefährliche Hunde lachen" which is about two Africans trying to flee to Europe...not necessarily seeking asylum, just looking for a better life. I find it so interesting their deep reliance on other people to reach their goal of immigrating to a country which offers better prospects. How deeply trust has to go, and how much money can really buy.

In other aspects of my life, I feel like I meet people often who make me reevaluate myself and mold me into the Becca I am today. I've met people one time that affect me, I've met people several times who I give very little thought to. I think it's interesting that the intensity of a friendship isn't always determined by duration...nor proximity. In our time lines, we have people cross in and through and out and back in again...and their lives our linear, our lives are linear, but somehow for some amount of time we end up together. I've always been fascinated with that...the whole "your reality is very different from someone else's reality" phenomenon.

Anyway, today was my first day up on the ward for nursing school. I have to admit it was really cool to be wearing all professional clothes and be touring around the Oncology Unit...feeling like I was somebody. It's so nice that they try to make people feel like home there, but at the same time, there's something almost pathetic and sad, almost wilted, if you will, about trying to make being in the hospital for cancer any more enticing than it actually is. Which it's not. I couldn't help but take a deep breath when I walked into the first room as I imagined that I was the person entering the room to be taken care of. That I was the person who was probably not going to make it. That I was a part of the family who had to hear that their loved one was dying. It's a totally different experience walking in with a white coat, clipboard, and the power to tell people what to do. It's totally anders. I think my biggest fear at this point skills/learning wise is the inability to insert a Foley Catheter, which was a skill we learned today. The last time I saw it done I almost fainted and even when my professor nurse lady was demonstrating putting one into thin air I felt a little light headed. Something about sticking something backwards into a hold that's supposed to drain forwards scares me waaay more than drawing blood, injections, pushing babies out, or even cutting through skin. Something about it just sits wrong with me.

I must admit it was nice though to be in a hospital without laying there. In that German hospital, first of all, things were soooo much different. Like, the whole time I was there they didn't change my linens (they do it every day at UW) and the nurses couldn't do much...there was so much less going on in the hospital in Germany. AND SO MUCH LESS KLIMAANLAGE (air conditioning). The hospital is absolutely frigid. I had to wear my white coat just to keep from shivering (I was already wearing a sweater and long dress pants, mind you...)

So, life has officially restarted and all. I'm going to the Badger Game against Utah on Saturday (it's a night game, won't interfere with my work schedule!) and working on homework the rest of the weekend. I'm having a little trouble keeping caught up but getting organized was certainly a third of the battle. And I applied to my first Praktikum position today!! In Köln! Next summer! I didn't have time to apply to any of the other ones (seeing as I was in class when I applied to the one anyway) so hopefully I'll start up that whole process over the next week/weekend.

Nice to get things off my chest and keep thoughts organized. Had a good couple radio shows too which are therapeutic and I always enjoy getting callers and hearing that my friends are listening. It reassures me that sometimes people are great and do care a lot about me and the things I do...despite how I feel most of the time. Things are good. 

remember, remember, the middle of september

It's so busy here, but my life is filled with little rewarding moments that sometimes make it all worthwhile.

I must say this juggling act I've been putting up has to end soon (unfortunately). Or maybe I just have to find a better way to balance it. I spend a lot of time preoccupied with things that aren't even happening in my immediate life, things that are happening around the world, with friends, on TV, or even just random things happening on the side of the road that have little to do with me at all. Sometimes I just feel like I'm watching myself live a charade of a life...it's weird.

Nursing is proving to be interesting...not so different from what I expected. After reevaluating the social dynamics of 150 girls being together all the time, I think that it is a) a lot like an all girl's high school b) full of really beautiful, high intensity girls c) sometimes disorienting, because no matter how hard I try (well, I don't try that hard, let's be honest) I sometimes feel like I don't fit in all that well. I feel like I'd be better suited amongst a group of strange doctor types or weird pharmacists. Many of the girls I feel are so normal...wear PINK, or hip-indie clothes, or look glamourous even when they're wearing sweatpants type of girls. Part of me feels really out of place there and scared that everyone is judging me or something, but the other part of me wants to be accepted into that and look like they do and behave like they do. It's a really strange sensation and I'm not sure weather to swim into the waves or retreat back to shore.

Nursing itself is so right for me...in the way that I'm a caring and compassionate person. On the first day of class the Dean of Students for the School of Nursing gave a really inspiring speech about how we are going to be the people to take care of someone on the worst day of their life. It is a big responsibility and it's a challenge to make people feel loved, wanted, safe and calm when they're in a situation so other than normal. It's also called my inner hypochondriac to the surface (yes, I think I have hypertension, diabetes, am dying and at risk for a myriad of other diseases).

Homework is more than I had anticipated. There are many different places I have to check to find my homework...different syllabi, websites, resources, etc. and it can get overwhelming at times. I think that as long as I jump rope long enough and avoid missing anything that's actually due I'll be okay. We'll see how it goes.

Other things? Sarah's home. It's nice because I feel like I have someone who I can be attached at the hip to. I'm trying to get out more, but it's not going as well as I'd hoped...Madison night life is boring and trite and I don't know if I'm going to meet anyone worthwhile at the bars after giving out all that money anyway. Not entirely worth it.

Counting down the days before we go to Hawaii! I'm so excited to see Hanna. And Maja is probably coming to Madison in March! I couldn't stop smiling for a couple days when we hatched that whole plan. It's nice to have something to look forward to...before next summer. Which I'm getting worried about sending these letters/CVs/diplomas out. What if I don't get an internship? I was thinking about it and maybe I'd just go to Germany to work. Why not? I'm young, wild, and free (not so wild but we'll go with it in the spirit of things) and have the summer off. Perfect.

back to school

and so my hectic real life begins. luckily I only have class two days this week (by some miracle) but still I can feel the pressure. I've been weirdly upset all the time. Little things get to me, I feel like I'm missing a huge part of my life that has been Germany. And trying not to talk about it all the time is a huge challenge.

I've been at a weird position in my social life since I've gotten home. Been hanging out a lot with the two new guys from Freiburg here in Madison...they're nice. It's so interesting to show them around to all of the Madison things, to be a 'Bonn-Buddy' in reverse. It's such a great opportunity to learn (and re-learn) things about Madison and Southern Wisconsin that I've just taken for granted since I was a kid. They're also really helpful with my German and me not forgetting it completely.

There's just so much going on and so many errands that I have to run right now that it's hard for me to concentrate on writing (or really any one thing at the moment) so I'm going to have to make this post short and sweet (or quick and dirty, depending on how you view the situation). I'd just like to take this last bit to make a shameless self promotional plug for my radio shows:

Ponyhof, my new music program, will be broadcast on 91.7FM Madison as well as streamed live online here every Monday (Starting the 10th of September) from 2:00pm-3:00pm CST.

Who Shot the Serif? making a return for it's 4th (?) season will be airing every Wednesday evening from 9:00pm until 10:00pm on the same channel. You can also listen to our old episodes and get 'insider info' by liking our page on facebook.

Ciao!

zuhause

There are so many emotions and whatnot that I'd like to write here, but since I've been pretty lazy on updating my blog since being home, I'll stick to the basics.

Leaving Germany was pretty horrific. It was heartbreaking. I don't think I've cried that hard in a while. I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to my German friends (all four of them! <3 airport.="airport." all="all" at="at" being="being" br="br" for="for" guys="guys" i="i" immensely="immensely" miss="miss" of="of" sad="sad" so="so" the="the" you="you"> Being home was/is weird only in the way that it isn't. And here's the kicker: I feel like my life is now divided. I have friends on two continents, people that I really care for, and this week has been a struggle just juggling the two. For instance today I did something that I feel really guilty about to my dad (kicked him out of my apartment like an ungrateful brat) and I feel pretty bad about that. It's weird juggling friends in timezones as close friends. It's hard. I try to text my German/Finnish friends as often as possible but sometimes the time thing is really, really a challenge. And then I have to worry about being that girl who's always on the phone, always in another world. But that's just the thing, I feel like my heart still is in another world. But I'm still guilty for letting reality slip through my fingers. I'll find a way to balance it soon enough, hopefully.

Nursing school is getting me excited. And I've been applying for jobs so that's hopefully good!

My and Connie's apartment is shaping up nicely. Today we got internet (Thank-you, Dad!!!) and an intense TV set-up (Complete with watchable German television networks!) and finally hung most of our decorations up.

Today was the first day that I skyped extensively in my new apartment, and to my surprise and delight the internet is working wonderfully and quickly.

Alright, it is with great sadness that this travel/study abroad blog ends and my normal life blog resumes...all good things I guess really must come to an end.

one day baby we'll be old...

slacking on the blogging, I know. It's been busy. I guess I should really pick up where I left off, in Finland, with my dearest Hanna. We had a really healthy week there...ran every day, enjoyed the saunas and technology of Finland. At her summer house, which her dad built from scratch, we enjoyed relatively unadulterated wilderness and a lake with orange water. I feel that I grew a lot in that week...totally more comfortable with nudity. (Thanks, Finnish people!) 

Coming back to Bonn was totally heartwrenching and amazing at the same time. I felt like I was coming home, I was excited, I felt like I'd missed it so much. On the other hand, it was also really upsetting because I knew it was one of the last times I could be actually 'coming home' to here. We headed directly to the Rhein to say goodbye to two of us (Amy, the other girl from northern Wisconsin that I was in Finland with and Gerda, from Estonia). It was nice to see all the people I missed and to see the Rhein again lit up with the twinkling boats. 

The next day was moving day. It was not as emotional as I would've thought, I think mostly because I haven't exactly spent a TON of time in that room. I was traveling a lot, it was a dorm, I hated my next door neighbor...the orange curtains. It felt good to be done with it and be rid of it. For the last week or so I've been playing house and dying a little inside. The realization that August 16th is coming closer and closer is kind of haunting. I wake up every morning and think, 'SCHIEßE!' and wonder where the time goes. 

Playing house is...what I want to do for the rest of my life. That sounds like I'm jumping to conclusions and what not, but honestly, I'm so happy I decided to go into nursing and find a career where I can do this too. And with kids! I wake up and bake and shop and clean (did you know I actually really love doing dishes, and doing laundry here is like a workout because we're on 5th floor or something ridiculous with no elevator?) and cook and always have something to do. I should shut up now before some woman's empowerment movement shuts me down, but I have just as much right to do what I want to do with my life as some career woman who wants to be a multi-billionaire world changer, right? I mean, I do want to make a difference in people's lives, help them, travel and see the world, but I want a family so bad sometimes it kills me. I feel like my mom when I talk like that, but I guess that's not always the worst thing in the world. I wish there was a way to reconcile the two sides of my goals. Hopefully somewhere down the road there will be. 

Anyway, back to the whole German thing. Being in Germany with only Germans is a little different than being here with a whole bunch of international kids. Sometimes I get in these ruts where I feel like I can't. I just can never be as great of friends with the Germans as other Germans can. I can never understand all the jokes. I can never be as witty as I am in English...but I want so badly to learn. And I love it. It's such an immersion to live with 5 other Germans :) I don't want to come home because I know it's going to all go to seed as soon as I touch down in Chicago. I'm going to forget so much...

Anyway, this weekend we went to Münster. It was absolutely stunning. I think this past weekend was my favorite weekend I've had since I've been in Germany (in Germany itself, I mean...). Marc and I headed up there on Friday morning and stayed at the apartment of an old friend of his. The city itself is awesome, the castle there is way prettier than in Bonn, and the Innenstadt is also really beautiful. They have a big lake in the middle of the city called the Aasee. It was nice because we rented a kayak and paddled around for a little while...we weren't very good but we had a funny time nonetheless. On Friday night we hung out with a whole bunch of the friends of the friend of Marc and I spoke German! The whole night! I can't really explain it but it was such a great night...the next night was also cool because we got to watch the movie "The Untouchables" (that French movie, only this time it was dubbed in German) outside in front of the castle that was lit up in really beautiful colors. Only downside being that it TOTALLY downpoured just as we got there, we had to go home and change, but luckily made it back in time for the movie to begin. The night was beautiful after all that crappy weather went away...we could even see the moon! 

This may be the last post...maybe not. But I'm not looking forward to coming home. I am devestated, in fact, and really want to return to Germany as soon as I can. I love Madison, there are some things I've missed, I'm looking forward to seeing my family and friends, but my heart is going to break when I leave this country. When I leave the good friends I've made here...when I leave the place where just living is teaching me something every second of the day. I'm going to miss the language, the little things, the non processed food, the straßenbahn, the efficiency...the trains. The everything. It really hurts to think about.

Til later.

Helsinki I

Well, I'm sitting here in Hanna's lovely home, enjoying a quiet evening with Amy and Hanna. The morning began early after a sad night at Hanna's going away party. Bonn finally perked up and cooperated weatherwise, so we sat outside for a lovely evening of saying goodbyes. Unfortunately, I may have ended up having a little bit too much to drink...so waking up at 4:30 to catch our flight to Helsinki was a little bit painful. I realize that by going home with Hanna, I'm experiencing saying goodbye to Bonn twice. I was almost as teary as Hanna as we lifted off of German soil because we both knew she would not be back. It caught me off guard to walk through the airport where I, too, will have to leave the place I love, the place I've found a second home, for a long time. It's been an emotional couple of days. It kills me that I'll have to end this trip to Finland with a goodbye to Hanna...it's one of those things that you're not sure how you'll survive, but you just have to trust that tomorrow you'll still be breathing, still be eating up chocolate like it was going out of style...still be living. And not just getting by, but living. I don't want to live my new life in Madison just waiting for the next opportunity...I want to live in the moment. But then, I guess I'm getting ahead of myself and I can't be perfect anyway.
So anyway, in Finland so far we have basically just recovered from last night/six months worth of traveling/not having a home and watched TV on the couch. We met up with Viivi, Hanna's Finnish friend and walked around Helsinki. Helsinki reminds me of a city that's caught in a countryside. There's a beautiful bay here with cattails and lots of greenery. We sat at a small café and drank Finnish tea and ate Finnish pastries and listened to the rustle of the grass. A little windy and chilly, but totally reminicent of being at a cottage...out of a city. It's crazy that there are only 500,000 people in Helsinki, and only 5,000,000 people on Earth speak Finnish. I'm trying to learn a few words but I have been told it's not going so well...

Alright, enough for now, time to enjoy a bedtime snack with my ladies. I will post more later about this experience. 

kuschelstimmung und allergien

tomorrow is back off to barcelona. but before i leave i thought i'd leave y'all a nice late night blog post.

i spent the majority of today just lounging around in my room...more like moping but whatever. watched some tv and took a nap. a few of us, more like 12 but i'm taking liberties, planned on going to dinner, so we had a nice group dinner at a strange german chinese buffet (one trip! what the hell! and it wasn't even that good). we wandered around downtown Bonn for a bit afterwards and we ended up at café blau where i ordered a hot chocolate (served in a bowl). it was such a crappy day outside i figured i deserved it. seriously it's cold and rainy and just downright miserable...which means cuddling weather! i would've preferred to just stay in bed this morning, but making the best of the situation i went over to hanna's after dinner just to cuddle and watch a movie (kuschelstimmung=mood to cuddle). we talked about the sadness of this whole 'having to say goodbye to people' situation. every day someone new from our program leaves for this adventure and that or back home and after a while it wears you down. goodbyes are sad, especially long term cross continental goodbyes for friends that there is a decently large chance that you'll never see again. suffice to say our cuddling session was laced with depressing and sad thoughts; the silver lining being that we had made such good friends that it hurt to say goodbye to them. does that make sense? i'm dreading the airport day. i'm dreading it with every fiber of my being, honestly. sometimes when i think of it i shed true, real tears. ganz im ernst kann ich  mich nicht vorstellen. manchmal lässt sich die überlegung durch meinen Kopf gehen...und ich hab so viel angst vor dem letzten gesichtausdruck von marc, weil wahrscheinlich ich es nie vergessen könnte. kann ich mich nicht vorstellen. kaum nicht.

i think i've really grown from this whole study abroad experience. i am more confident, happy, i can tell i've learned from past mistakes...i feel more grown into my own life. i guess it's crazy how much i can be influenced by my surroundings, and how much i realize i desperately needed a change from madison.

to add to the depressing mood here in bonn, i have terrible allergies (allergien=allergies). i'm not sure why, but i'm constantly sneezing, sniffly and have weird asthma attacks. i've been carrying around my inhaler recently because i never know when the evil asthma attacks will strike.

und...for all those keeping tabs on what i write here, I passed my DSH with flying colors and got a recommendation offer from the professor. hell. yes. HELL YES!

soll es das gewesen sein?

It's been awhile since I last posted, I feel like it's mostly due to the fact that I'm trying to soak up every free instant of time here. I feel like I'm trying to put a drain-stopper in my brain to stop all the memories from leaking out so fast. Trying to hold on to something I know is going to disappear from my life so soon. I am going to miss this place like I can't even believe...it's like a bad breakup with a boyfriend.

Anyway, today is my last day of school. I had the DSH last weekend, I should theoretically get the results back today. I think it went alright; I'll be really disappointed in myself if I don't get at least a 2 out of 3, but at the same time I think it will be okay. All the practice tests my professor gave us were way easier than the actual test so I'm hoping that's worth something. My other exams went pretty well, I'm pleased enough with my grades...they're not bad enough to hinder my acceptance into nursing school and that's really all that matters at this point.

What else? Fourth of July was last week, I made these cakes. It made me kind of miss home...I've been feeling a weird combination of homesick and nauseated at the thought of leaving. My mom sent me a package today with all the finest chemicals...I mean foods...from back home. I'm excited to be making Reese's Pieces cookies this weekend. I freaking love Reese's Pieces! Anyway, I think I kind of feel a little bit of uselessness and it's been getting me down. I don't really have much purpose now that school is over, and I don't have that much money either. I'm looking forward to touring around Nord Rhein Westfallen for the rest of my time here in Germany, but also really want to soak up Bonn time.

The relationships here are going to be rough to break off. First of all, leaving all of my German friends  here when I leave makes me sad. It also kind of saddens me to think they'll get new American Bonn Buddies, and I'll feel replaced, I expect. I can't replace my Germans! On a similar note, I think I may have made a new best friend here that I'm going to have to say goodbye to really soon, and it hurts me. I feel like it's going to be one of the most painful things about this trip to say goodbye to her. It's crazy how you can speak different languages and still feel so connected to a person who is so similar to you in so many ways. I'm looking forward to going to Barcelona with her and home to Finland, but the prospect of not seeing her for over a year makes me extremely depressed. Love you, Hanna :)

I guess the silver lining is that all my badgers will still be there when I get home. And, of course, my family and my city.

error: cannot compute

No, your computer is not having a hard time loading my blog, I just felt that an appropriate way to sum up how I feel about German. I mean, I always felt like my speaking, writing, comprehending and grammar were great for a foreign kid but terrible for someone who has been learning in Germany, but I feel like it has recently come to a head. Maybe it's because now I'm in a setting where I'm only hearing real German all the time that I get really overwhelmed because it's not slow and I can't understand all of it...anyway. I can't believe it, but the DSH is less than a week away, and I feel completely unprepared and totally scared. I guess maybe it's because I want it so badly now, but I just have this terrible feeling of 'there's nothing I can do but fail now, because I won't become fluent in 6 days.' but today I did study some Grammar...I cried, because it was so hard, alas, but at least I worked on it. There's this thing where you have to nominalize verbs...meaning turn verbs into nouns (it actually goes both ways). Moral of the story is that this is really difficult because you need to add a word here and there and subtract words and change prepositions usw. (usw=und so weiter=etc. I believe I've used that relatively many times in this blog, so I owe you all an explanation). It's really, really difficult. I feel like now that I've been hanging out with Germans I've learned a LOT of umgangsprache (still not enough to be fluent but getting better) but now I'm lacking on the actual knowing German side of things. I'm scared. But I think it'll be fine because I can always take it again if I fail, after studying and living here longer (yes, I have come up with a plan!)

Currently, although I should be studying, I am listening to a new playlist on Spotify that only has good, current German music on it. I love it, needless to say. I don't know what it is about Germany that I love so much, but I've been trying to come to the bottom of this question lately. I think it has something to do with how wholesome this place is. That seems to jive with my personality really well...wholesome yet openminded. It's a weird thing to describe more because it's a feeling that I get while I'm here. There's an openness about things here that just isn't at home. Also, everything here has history. People have history. Yes, I do have history too. My family has history, but everything gets so lost in moving and people aren't as connected to their families and friends as they are here. I know I'm looking at it through rose colored glasses, and yes, admittedly there are still divorces and families that aren't as close as others, but...it's still different.

God, I get so sad thinking that my life has to exist without Germany. And without learning so much about how other people live. It honestly kills me inside. Every day I find something new to love about it here, even though I'm so used to it. I find things to relike that I've gotten used to. I find things that I'm going to miss. I find so many things that I'm going to really, really miss. I wonder if it's possible to fall in love with a place so much that it's like a person. I feel like I'm in first love all over again with all that power, infinity and intensity that I forgot I could feel. Only toward a place.

What else is new in the land of the Germans? We lost the European Cup on Thursday. I was interviewed by a Bangledeshi TV station, to whom I said that I would cry if we lost. Well, we lost, but I didn't cry (on the outside). For the first time, I didn't go to a public viewing (where all those people gather around a huge screen) but opted for an outdoor in a bar type experience. It was nice, until Italy won. The championship game is happening now, but I'm not watching it because I feel like either way I'll be pissed because it's not Germany. I guess I'm secretly rooting for Italy because I don't want the Spaniards to shove it in my face when I go there in a couple weeks. (I'm going back to Barcelona with Hanna, Matt and Amy). Also, if Italy wins I have a bunch of tests next week that I lose motivation to study for with every passing hour. Nursing school stuff is in full swing...I'm finding out my schedule and whatnot and signed up for CPR training across an ocean.

I haven't really shared much German media here other than pictures, so here's a song that I find particularly amazing that I heard recently. There are plenty of German songs and movies that I've collected over the months, I guess I can start sharing them with you all...

"Tage wie diesen" by Die Toten Hosen (Days like these--I'll always think of Germany when I hear this one)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j09hpp3AxIE
"Wie es geht" by Die Ärzte (How it goes--a rock song...look up the lyrics they're ultra cute)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aY8jplkaSq4

And I'll leave you all with...

A List of Common Slang (Oft benutzte Umgangsprache) that I find particularly endearing
Quatsch! no way/bullshit!
Achso...  ohhhh, ah haaaa (usually elongated...achsooooo)
Doch! It is too!!
Pass auf! listen up! listen to me! i demand attention!
Stimmt! true.
Wie geil ist das denn!? How cool is that?! (literally how horny is that then?!)
Komm schon c'mon (said often lovingly)
Halt die Klappe! stfu
Halt's Maul! also stfu
Meine Fresse! shit! fuck!
Mega... super (as in, he was SUPER drunk = er war MEGA betrunken. or that is super cool!=das ist mega cool!)
Krass! sick! both in a good and a bad way
Ich raste aus! I'm freaking out!
Na und...? yeah...and?
Sie hat viel Holz vor der Hütte. She has big boobs. (literally she has a lot of wood in front of the hut)
Bist du behindert/doof? Are you retarded/stupid? (don't think it sounds as hard here as it does in english)
Eigentlich nicht... not really...

the hardest weekend

Everyone is supposed to go through some sort of adjustment struggle when they study abroad, right? There's the predicted drop in morale after a certain amount of time...the realization that it's no longer fun and games, the moment when you realize life as an expat isn't all you cracked it up to be. Well, I guess that moment passed me by, but what came instead was in my opinion worse. This weekend, from Thursday through today, has been rough. I've been faced with this (what seemed/seems like a world shaking life changing) decision about what to do with my life from now out. I've fallen so deeply and madly in love with Germany, environmentally, socially, politcally...developed good friendships, close friends, that live here, and now I'm being faced with the reality having to give it all up, go home, and return to my life. The life that I love and have laid out for myself, but nonetheless, giving up the place (and the people) I love. So: I came up with options. Defer nursing school to come here and bum around for a year or so.
Graduate with a German degree in December, come back and do a midwifery program that also has a bachelor's degree attached. (starting in 2014 anyway). Then maybe come back and do American nursing school.
Graduate and come back, try to find an internship and a job. Then midwifery thing. Or master's program.
Graduate, do a nursing Ausbildung. Do the midwifery thing...
Variations on a theme.

Well, those options sound nice and free and like I have time to do it while I'm young. Like I'm doing something that takes strength and stick-to-it-tiveness. While I still know people in Bonn. Buuttttt...as idealistic and nice as that all would be, it makes more sense for me to get a nursing degree first so I can have a viable job...and I can still become a midwife in Germany (or in the states) and practice in either place. I assume the demand for English speaking midwives is probably high-ish here or maybe there's at least a niche. So that's my new plan. And, to top it off so I can try to have my cake and eat it too, I'm going to try to come back next summer for a few months to do a Praktikum at a Krießsaal in Köln. Or in Bonn. The way I see it, that's pretty necessary if I don't want to lose my German speaking ability.

Part of me (a large part if not a majority) feels really sad that I don't have the will and spontaneousness to just pack up and leave. To start a new romantic life in a new place without even looking back. I know I'm strong enough to do that, but the rational part of my brain just won't let me. I think that's what has been so hard about this decision: comparing the sane, responsible Becca with the independent, free idealistic vision of myself in my head. I don't want to be ruled by rules and regulations, but rather what makes me happy. I guess where it gets complicated is that sometimes what makes me happy is the success that comes from following the natural, responsible order of things. It means too much to me to just toss it to the wayside.

So anyway, now that I have that all off my chest...this weekend was fun-ish when I wasn't obsessing about my future. On Thursday I went out with a few girls to drink Sangria at a bar and called it an early night, Friday was the earth shattering political Euro Cup game where Germany kicked Greece's ass in football (4:2). It was crazy because a lot of the public transportation was completely shut down because of fans bumrushing the streets. Incredible feeling! Saturday was another of those notorious Ferdi parties...I found the whole experience a little creepy this time because of the creepy men and the drama...Today Amy and I spent the whole day up at Starbucks and I finished working on my Referat for my Geography class. I'm presenting about the German versus the American healthcare system when it comes to reproductive health, pregnancy and birth. Tomorrow is an exciting Monday full of studying.

Hope all's well that ends well...

Nachrichten der Woche

Before the German team won the third game (!)

This week...has been interesting. It's been mostly about football (soccer) and partying, but I did manage to squeeze out a referat in my class this morning. 20 minutes about Nietzsche? Done. I'm really happy that I chose a topic that I knew absolutely nothing about, because although it was extremely difficult to explain perspectivism and nihilism auf deutsch, I actually learned something so that was a plus. My German is definitely improving, I can understand stuff now, I have talked in depth with adults here and they understand me (sometimes I'm like, wow, they can understand me with this thick American accent?? props to me)
Side note: I just gave Marc's roommates some Twizzlers and they all hated them. Oh America. Land of the artificial.

Germany has won all three of the games they set out to play. I'm excited to watch the game against Greece on Friday, along with being just a sporting event I think a lot of people here have turned it into a political game as well. Which makes sense considering the current state of European politics...

Rayna and I at the show

Yep, that's Jay-Z.

Anyway, I thought I'd just give a quick update of what's been up here. Last Saturday I saw Watch the Throne (Jay-Z and Kanye West performing together) which was amazing and worth every penny of the 71 Euro I spent on it. Raina and I maneuvered our way into the front row!! I've been out clubbing a few times this week...been to all my classes, spent a lot of time thinking about the future, figuring out stuff for nursing school (or not...?) and being generally cool. Sometimes I miss home, but only briefly and thinking of Madison already gives me pangs of how much I'll miss it here.



My life. Mein Leben.

gedanken beim spaziergang

Today as I was walking home from class (which I will explain about it in a bit) I thought about how lucky I was to be able to speak English. English is really a beautiful language, I love how I can take words and mix them together to make meaningful thought provoking ideas come to other people's attention. I love that I can understand how other people are thinking and suggest things with such complexity that only certain words can convey. I love how you can take certain words and make them whimsical with additions or subtractions of other words, or twist the exact same words into something more with extra emphasis on certain syllables. I love making situational puns that can't be repeated because they fit so perfectly that it only works once, but it really works. I miss English in that I wish I would stop forgetting my non-everyday English vocabulary. Those words like gossamer, bombastic and capricious that can turn something so ordinary into an extraordinary explanation...I forget them so often when speaking German so much and every time I hear a nice English word I get a warm feeling inside...a feeling of nice recognition. I guess it's weird to get a feeling from just any old random word but hey, I'm going a little crazy thinking in Denglish all the time.

So my class today was just awful. The whole experience was terrible. Four students (ungefähr) gave presentations that they've had a month to prepare. 10 minute presentations about a pretty straightforward topic. Well, they didn't really do the work correctly, in the professor's defense, but in my opinion did nothing to merit the sheer volume of feedback given by not only the other students in the class but also the professor herself. She straight-up told one student that she was going to fail in front of the whole class. I would be absolutely mortified. The whole situation was rude. I can't even imagine getting such rude and terrible feedback from my classmates and teacher...that being said, my presentation is in a few weeks and I hope they go easy on us...

Berlin

After two long weeks of traveling, it's nice to be back in Bonn again. Sitting at Starbucks now, I've gotten really tired of my room because it's so small and lonely. And it kind of smells funky...

Berlin was a really interesting experience. In comparison to Madison-sized-German-city Bonn, being in the New York of Germany was a change of pace. I think what interested me the most about Berlin was the new-ness of the city mixed with the remnants of the old East Germany and destruction still visible from WWII. Basically, after the wall came down in 1989 all hell broke loose and the city was completely rebuilt. It's really an architectural wonder in that the city still has a "wall" going through it, meaning that wherever there once stood the Berlin wall now lies a double line of flat bricks. It was so interesting to see it because you realize that it really cut life in half. People living across the street from each other literally couldn't visit each other for over 10 years in the 50's and 60's, which is insane. My parents were alive at that time! It's not that long ago! It also blows my mind that my family lived in Germany during the weird time of East/West Germany. I wonder how different it was...

While we were in Germany, we did all the classic sight seeing stuff and also did the whole go to a techno club thing. (Berlin is famous for it's top of the line clubs, but I didn't particularly enjoy that experience as I had to pay TWELVE EURO eintritt).
The whole trip was sponsored by the international office here, so all of the Americans were there and a few of the other exchange students. We spent the first day exploring the area around our hostel, which was conveniently located really close to the Brandenburger Tor. We walked around that area, which includes this really amazing Holocaust memorial. It's a rectangle filled with 2711 large grey stones in a grid of all different heights that are meant to resemble tombstones. You can walk through it, and around the edges of the area (probably about one square city block) the stones only come up to your hips, but as you venture deeper into the memorial they stretch to about 3-4 times human height. They're all completely unlabeled and personally I think what makes it so interesting is the absolute abstractness of the memorial...how the architect (who also coincidentally also designed the 9/11 memorial in NYC) envisioned such a vague memorial that was so powerful and could strangely evoke so much emotion without a person even knowing what they were walking into. I didn't actually know what it was when I first walked in, but it was overwhelming in a really strange way that's hard to put into words. Totally interesting though.

We also of course enjoyed the local cuisine (supplimented by stolen sandwiches from the breakfast buffet at the hostel) which was currywurst and Berliners (but in Berlin the tasty jelly donuts are actually called Pfannkuchen). The donut you see me about to devour here was filled with the typical delicious plum filling. And I did enjoy half a liter of Berlin's finest brew...not as tasty as Rheinisch beer but hey, I drank it. :)

Anyway, other sights that we saw: Checkpoint Charlie, East Side Gallery (really amazing artwork painted on the wall in the old Soviet section of the city), we went to an old Stasi prison, which was really amazing because our tour guide was actually held there in the 70's for trying to 'escape' East Germany. He was a really fascinating guy.

Before Germany's Sieg

Friday was an exciting day here in Europe because the first games of European Soccer Cup started. Germany played on Saturday evening, when we had all arrived back in Bonn. Most of my friends here met up at a big stadium to watch a public viewing of the game on a big screen TV. I think after watching a couple football games over the past few days, I finally understand the rules. (mostly). Apparently Germany is in a really hard group (against Denmark, Portugal and the Netherlands, I think?) so it was a big deal that we won this game. What I like most about it is how inspiring the whole thing is, so much more than American Football. People get into the Packers, sure, but for Germany this EM (Europa Meisterschaft=european cup) is really a source of pride and hope for their country. It was really amazing to witness the craziness that ensued when Germany won 1:0 against Portugal, there were huge traffic jams, yelling, screaming, music, chants, flags...it was insane. I loved seeing how crazy people got at the end of the first game of 3 that Germany is guaranteed to play, I can hardly wait to see how the rest of the cup plays out.

Bis später leute :)

Crete

Although I am currently sitting in a hostel in Berlin, I thought I would recap on the week in Crete before getting into all the goings on here.

The past week was probably the best in my life overall so far. I couldn’t have imagined a better group of people or a better setting than what we ended up with.

We started out the week discovering our villa, which had four rooms with two beds each, and two boys slept outside on our patio. The villa was large with our own private swimming pool and you could see the bay of Chania (Crete's largest city) from our windows. Picturesque in every way imaginable. We arrived, went for a swim and figured out the car situation because we found that renting a car was necessary because the island was really much larger than I (and probably the others as well) had expected. We spent the first night without a car, discovered the local restaurant, the Cretian Corner, owned by British-Greeks, and had our first taste of Raki, the local liquor near where we were staying. It was pretty nasty, but when honey was added it was tolerable at least.

The next morning (after some minor injuries from a wild first night in the villa) we took the bus to Chania to discover the beach. We ended up just walking all around the tourist areas of Chania where the cruise ships dock where there are lots of interesting, cheap stores where people can buy junky souvenirs. It was nice but finding the beach was not as easy as we had anticipated either…we finally ended up on a small beach on the other side of the city, where the water was stunning but later it was discovered that swimming was not recommended within the city limits of Chania due to the high sewage levels. No one got too sick though…

By the next morning we had acquired one car, so five of us loaded into the tiny red car to go to the airport to rent a second car for the rest of us. Getting home was a fiasco, somehow there was a bee in our car which sought out my back to sting immediately, we got lost, and decided that making a U-turn on a high way was a viable option for getting home alive. After surviving getting the car, we headed to a long stretch of beach quite close to Chania. Again, stunning views and beach. We had more Greek food in a little restaurant near the beach and spent literally the entire afternoon laying out on the beach and playing in the water. Later in the afternoon, Hanna and I went to a little bar on the beach and chatted about how much we would miss each other at the end of these few months. It was depressing but also gave me a really amazing outlook on this experience because I realized what great friends I've made here and how I want to keep these people in my life for so many years to come. 

The third day we decided to go down to the other side of the island to discover beaches there. It was a long drive and we ended up in a cute little town with a mediocre beach. We decided that we may have better beach options if we drove a little way down the coast, so we all climbed back into the cars and started our ‘short’ journey to the next beach. As luck would have it, we ran into a sign after not too long that said the most beautiful beach on the island of Crete, Elofonsi, was ‘close’ by. I suggested that maybe since we had come so far we would be best suited to head to the beach we knew was a sure thing. Everyone thought that was a pretty decent idea, but unfortunately, the ‘road’ was unpaved, through the mountains, laden with goats. It was stressful; in our car, the fearless driver Matt did a fabulous job navigating through the steep, twisted roads of the Cretian mountains. After two and a half hours of hell, we arrived at the most beautiful beach I have ever seen. Elofonisi is unique in that to get to the prime location, you need to wade across the knee deep water. It was crystal clear and if you looked out into the distance you could almost swear that the ocean had been dyed blue. To top it off, there was a beautiful mountain landscape and strange stones raising out of the water. It was a view from a postcard. Reluctantly we left to get back to the villa and took a really nice road all the way home where you could catch beautiful vistas of the coast from up in the mountains. That evening our group of ten was joined by Kevin, also from Wisconsin, and we all returned to the Cretian Corner for another round of the meat platter.

The next day we went to a small town that one of the owners recommended to us with a nice beach and a beautiful white floating chapel. The chapel wasn’t actually floating, of course, but it looked like it was from far away because you had to take a small rocky footpath across the water. From the peninsula where the chapel was, little tidepools formed where you could watch the patterns of the waves ebbing and flowing. I love the sounds that the water makes and always feel a tinge of regret that there’s no way for me to bottle it up and take it home with me. I took the first of a pair of really wonderful walks down the long shore with Marc. It was a really strange beach though because the tides would alternate between hot and cold water and I would scream and then relax, scream and then relax. Lots of laughing. That day I also discovered that Kevin was the guy I sent a shout out to a couple winters ago because we both had broken transportation…it was a hilarious realization and I must admit my mind is still a little blown.

The next day we took a break from the beach to go hiking through the white mountains. I love hiking on vacations, I feel like some of the best memories are made from the endorphin high you get from the exercise. What was interesting about the mountains was really that even though the island was so hot every day, the mountains were still topped with snow. The path looked like something out of northern Wisconsin, and made me feel like home. At the bottom (it was one of those hike down then hike up situations) there was a babbling brook with clear cool water and boulders to sun yourself on. We sped up on the way home because we were battling the park closing at 5pm, which was a challenge but felt amazing and I wasn’t even sore the next day. On the way home we stopped at a restaurant at which a lot of us ordered rabbit…not I, but I must admit I tried it and found bunny rather tasty.

The last full day we returned with Kevin to Elofonsi. I think one of my fondest memories of the vacation was walking down the coast through the tidepools and rocks on the island you wade to. It was the second marathon walk I went on, the only crappy part was that I left my kindle out in the sun and it completely died, leaving me bookless. I miss Kipling already. 

Our last day we returned to Chania because a few of the girls really wanted to get these fish pedicures. (By a few of the girls I mean Maja and I talked about it pretty constantly until everyone else was persuaded). Fish pedicures was that we stuck our feet in these tanks of water where fish ate the dead skin off of our dirty feet. It was one of the strangest feelings I’ve ever had in my life. I laughed for literally the first 10 minutes my feet were in there. After a final lunch, and one last shot of Raki, we went back to the airport, finally making it back to Bonn around 11:30, exhausted, sad, and filled with fernweh. I must admit I still miss Crete, mostly the people, but also the environment and the experiences that will last a lifetime.

My weekend in Bonn was too short, and this morning we arrived in Berlin for the week. I thought I should post about Crete though first to make way for new memories being made this week with all the Americans who I love. I’m so excited to see another German city, which seems so more metropolitan than I would even have guessed. It’s also crazy to me to see the brick line where the wall once stood, can’t even fathom living in a city where you are confined to an area but can see how life goes on the other side. It absolutely blows my mind.

So anyway, until I get back to Bonn, enjoy the week. Ich vermisse euch alle!

This internet is being uncooperative so I regret to say that I can't share pictures right now. I'll try to make a picture post when I get home with a couple highlights.

dia academicus

well, everyone went to Heidelburg today, which looking back on it I totally regret not going. Hopefully some time in the future I can go back...

But, I must say it was nice in Bonn. Last night there was a huge party held by the Agricultural School. I went with Janina and her friends, all Germans, which was really cool. It was interesting to hang out with all girls...doing what they seemingly normally do. And it was also nice because they spoke German with me, and like...fast, slangy German that I want to learn so it was great. The party was also huge. Apparently, it's supposed to be one of the best "Fachschaftparty"s (big events held by the different schools) and it had lasers and all this craziness...one of the better dancing venues I've been to since being in Europe I'd say. I ended up having to walk about an hour back home though because I missed the last night bus. Wearing new flip flops was probably not the best choice.

The day after tomorrow my adventure to Crete begins. I'll probably not be able to post while I'm there, but I will come back with full details on the drama and the craziness that is Crete. Although I feel like we're hyping it up a lot, I think it will still be fun, enjoyable and possibly a little crazy.

This week has been alright. School as usual, everything really as usual. I've been thinking a lot about what I'll miss from being here when I go home (and thus try to savor every moment of those things) and also what I miss most about Wisconsin. Here's a little list:

Will Miss:
New friends
German
Relaxing/not having much schoolwork
Not having to tip very much
Well-dressed European men
Bonn's beauty
Technological simplicity
Public transportation
Eis/Süßigkeiten
Clubbing/Partying
Kölsch


Do Miss:
Old friends/family
Productivity/meaning in my life
Being able to easily converse with anyone
Target
Mexican Food (esp. Margaritas. And Taco Bell.)
Perkins
Madison's beauty
My bed
New music
Cute little dive bars
Spotted Cow
Wi-fi/3G/Smartphone

christi himmelfahrt

Uni Hauptgebäude

Pronounced 'christi himmel fart' is a Christian holiday celebrating the ascension of Jesus into heaven. It exists in the US, but is celebrated here as a national holiday, meaning that there are no shops open, nothing is happening, etc. as described in my last blog posts. So, I am forced to think about all the things that I should be doing today for school und so weiter, but I probably will just remain unproductive and go walk along the Rhein.

Needless to say, I successfully checked myself out of the hospital last week with few problems. They gave me some antibiotics (which I have now completed) and some sketchy pain medicine that my dad the pharmacist recommended that I not take as it is toxic to humans. So that was full on interesting. Unfortunately, my experiences with the German healthcare system have not yet fully come to a close. Because I was accepted into Nursing School for next fall, I have to have all these crazy blood tests and TB tests done, which are getting to be a little pricy. It's not covered by the "Kasse" (which is like the socialist pool of money that pays for healthcare here) because I'm not actually sick. But I'm pretty sure these things are still cheaper here when compared to the US without health insurance.

Köln Zoo

This week has been good though, otherwise. I had an eventful outing to the Köln Zoo, which was ENORMOUS. It had so many really great exhibits and an aquarium. I love aquariums. :) It's been cold here so I guess that was the one downside of the day...and everyday really. I think it must be barely getting out of the 60's these days.

Post Zoo Chinese Food

I went to all my two days of classes (okay, well, one was cancelled, so I only had 2 classes period) and they've been alright. They were pretty understanding about my absences as I was in the hospital. I am having a really, really hard time caring about my Landeskunde class (Geography) because the teacher (Douzentin) is biased, boring, and verbose. Not a great combination, especially for 3 hours right after lunch. I fell asleep twice in that time period and have no regrets because honestly the time was better spent snoozing. We were "focusing" on the German educational system, which really just meant her tangents and repeated stories all kind of had something to do with education. I think the educational system here is more overtly elitist than ours at home, but that's just my opinion I guess. They split up kids when they're like 10 according to their scholastic aptitude. It's a little young in my American opinion to be deciding whether or not to go to college. In the US, sure, we have elitist school systems (think AP classes, remedial reading, etc) but here it's just so much more pronounced. You can tell which kids go to Gymnasium (the kids who will eventually have the chance to go to a University) and the Realschule or Hauptschule. They are having huge problems with immigration now as well, because apparently all the kids who can't speak German get sent to the Hauptschule and it becomes somewhat of a ghetto environment. I'm not really sure where I stand on it, to be honest, because the school system stems from a extremely long tradition/historical value and it has its advantages. It just seems so pretentious...

Biergarten on the Rhein

If you want more information about it or a better explanation than I could ever give, here's a link.

Anyway, I really enjoy my other class. It's just straight up vocabulary, which is immensely helpful. At the end of every day here, I try to name all the vocabulary words that I've accumulated throughout the day. These days it's been mostly Umgangsprache that I've been learning from my friends, which is like slang, which is the most helpful (lets be honest) in everyday conversation. For instance, instead of saying "Mädchen" like we learned in school, here people call girls "Mädels." Never would've guessed. Yesterday I learned "schüchtern" (shy), "an/abtörnen" (to turn someone on/off) and "mist" (crap!). I definitely learned more but those are the three that will probably be added to my workable vocabulary for the day. (yes, this is how my mind works now...sort through words, decide which to stow away, use them).
I've been hanging out with Germans more recently, which I'm totally loving. I still hang out with my Amis but I ate lunch with all Germans two days in a row, grabbed a beer with Janina and some other friends on the Rhein, and last night I went to Köln with Marco and some of his friends. It's nice because I can practice German and they can practice English and I gain a whole new perspective on things much of the time. Last night I had a really interesting conversation about how people from Berlin are really snotty (think: German equivalent of Paris) which I never really heard about. Makes enough sense, I guess, when you think about it. I'm also really excited because Marc asked me to help rep the US at the equivalent of their Study Abroad Fair next week, so I've been assembling some pretty awesome pictures of Madison for that.

Beer on the Rhein

Well, that's about it for my tales from Germany this week. As usual, hope all's well back home!

bonn: krankenhaus-zeit!

Be careful what you wish for indeed...

I wanted to find out more about European healthcare...but not like this! I came to the Emergency Room on Sunday night here, only to be admitted with some sort of laryngeal edema. Let's start off at the beginning:
Some ERs aren't open on Sunday nights. Is that not one of the craziest things you've ever heard?! How can an Emergency Room be closed?? Well, me, crying from terrible pain and looking like complete shit, and my German friend, Julian, tried three different hospitals before I ended up here. It was a pretty normal experience at that point. The doctors took my blood pressure (which was INSANELY high, thank you crazy pain in my throat) and temperature...but it was ALL IN GERMAN. So, at that point, I realized this was going to be an adventure. I thought, mistakenly apparently, that German health professionals were all good at English, too, and would probably be able to speak with me in English. SO NOT THE CASE. I have spoken mostly German since I've been here, and trying to explain what's ailing me in another language is a whole nother bag of cats, let me tell you. Anyway, I waited in the waiting room for about a half an hour before they called me into see an ENT. Yep, an ENT was randomly on call in the hospital at 2am on a Sunday night. (so that was cool). The ENT told me then after examining my throat that I had severe edema in my throat and that I would have to be admitted for 2-3 days. Two to three days in a foreign hospital? I've never even been admitted at a hospital at home! So, reluctantly, I was escorted up to my new room in the HNO Klinik (Hals, Nase, Ohren = Throat, Nose, Ears) where I was shown to my bed and told to go to sleep. Ha. After a few more IVs of pain meds maybe.

The next morning came eventually, and I slept most of the first day. My friend Amy (the lifesaver) brought me some necessities, including my computer. I had to buy internet for 20 Euro for 10 hours though, so that was kind of a bummer. Anyway. I felt so horrible that whole day that I just kind of curled up into a ball and wished for death. It was made worse only by the fact that everything was in German. Instead of just saying, "OH GOD THIS HURTS, please do something about it!" I had to say "Das tut mir weh! Bitte hilf mir!" which didn't come so automatically at first. Speaking in a different language for me requires some sort of thought for me, which doesn't come automatically when the main concern is that you can't breathe/feel like your neck is going to be severed in two. But, I learned very important vocabulary words like, "my IV needle is pinching me!" (Diese Nadel knarft mich!) "I feel like I'm going to throw up!" (Ich habe übelkeit!) I need pain medicine! (Ich brauche etwas für schmerzen!) And the nurse said I spoke "echtes perfektes deutsch" (really perfect german) so that was nice.

Yesterday wasn't quite as bad, a few more people came to see me, so that was nice to see them all. But most of the day was spent napping and watching the Fox and the Hound. That just made me miss home a lot because it reminds me of Sarah and how far away I am from my family. It's been really hard to be away from home through this, but maybe it's made me a stronger person in general. It's been tough to see the woman I share my room with have her family and friends come and visit, but you know, it's not so bad. I've talked to my parents, kept them in the loop, and hope that they're not too worried about me. It's my mom's birthday today! So HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!

Today has been loads better than the last few. I got my voice back! I ate a bunch for lunch (more than half of what they gave me!! big news!) and I even went for a walk. This hospital is situated on a really scenic hill in Bonn, so you can see the Siebengebirge (7 hills surrounding Bonn) and pretty much the whole city except the Rhein. It was really nice because the trees were super green and it smelled like fresh rain. Also, it was the first outside experience I had in 2.5 whole days so it was refreshing as all get out. Man, I almost wish I had one more day here so I could go on another walk! (Almost). Today was also amazing because so many people came to visit me today! I had a pretty constant stream of visitors from 10:45am until 5pm. I felt really loved and especially great because I could actually talk with them. It was really nice, but I'm SO RELIEVED and happy that I get to go home tomorrow.

Well, wish me luck with getting out of here, trying to explain that I'm well enough to go home in German is going to be yet another hill to climb...

Tschüss!

Mayday Mayday!

I feel like it's been a while since my last post...
My life is still just as amazing as it was before. I found out a couple days ago that I got into the University of Wisconsin School of Nursing, which is FANTASTIC news. It's great, really, but at the same time bittersweet because now I know that I need to be getting back to reality at the beginning of September (and leaving Germany). Guess I don't want to think about that quite yet. Last week was a pretty normal week for school, I have a really large project dealing with the immigration to Wisconsin in the middle 1800's and how it shaped their identities/Wisconsin's identity. It's pretty intimidating to me, but I'm teamed up with another girl who has been here since September so she's able to shed a little light on the situation. This weekend was amazing, as usual. I always have 4 day weekends, but this weekend was a 5 day weekend (!) and I had the whole weekend to genieß Bonn. (Denglish: we use "genieß" here a lot, it's a German verb meaning to enjoy. As in: Hey everyone, let's go genieß the weather!)
Friday was Flunkyball, which I just went to to check it out. It was nothing too great, especially because it started to downpour at the end of the game. We tried to go to a houseparty, but when all 40 of us showed up they decided to charge everyone 10 Euro each so we decided rightfully against it. I went home and just caught up on TV, which was nice. I'm now enjoying the use of my dad's DVR from our house, so I can watch whatever I want to, whenever I want to! Sad only because it's not really helping me learn German.

Hanna from Finland und I in Cologne

Saturday we were aiming to go to Düsseldorf, but it didn't happen because we were trying to figure some plans out for Crete. Oh, wait, did I forget to mention the most exciting part of my weekend? Yes, yes I did. Well, my friends and I all booked tickets to fly to Crete, Greece for Pfingsten (Pentecost) break. We'll be there for SEVEN days, genießing the sun, beaches and greek food. And the best part? The 11 of us will be spending the week in our OWN PRIVATE VILLA with a terrace and a swimming pool. The cherry on top? We'll be spending less than 200 Euro each for the whole week, accommodations and round trip flight. Yep. That's real life! Originally it was just 6 people from UW, Hanna from Finland, but now the group has expanded to include 3 Germans (one of which is my Bonn Buddy, another of which is my sprachtandem partner) and another Badger! words cannot describe...

Marc (sprachtandem partner) und I in Cologne

Saturday night a bunch of us went to Cologne to see the Avengers in English in 3D. It was pretty good, partially because we all played a drinking game in the theatre. (Every time the characters were in costume on screen together? Drink! Every time one superhero punched another? Drink! and so on) It did amount to one awful headache though, (moral of the story: don't drink and watch 3D). After the movie we went out to a really great nightclub in Cologne, complete with much better music than one typically finds here in Bonn.

Nazi Rally

Sunday was pretty chill, recuperated before the May Day festivities. In Germany, May Day is a huge holiday apparently, akin to our Labor Day. Everything is closed and everyone is supposed to "Tanz in den Mai" or "Dance in May." Basically that just amounts to partying a lot and dancing through the night. There are also Maypoles all over and a really cute tradition involving giving a relatively large birch tree to someone you have a crush on in the middle of the night decorated with streamers and hearts. It was really cute waking up this morning to such a festive forest all over the city! I didn't get home too late or anything, but it was a really fun night! I think my expectations weren't that high because other people seemed to think the night was lame. I'm not really sure what they were expecting though, it was a Monday night! I also saw the Nazi rally today (there were more Polizei than Nazis, and waaaay more anti-Nazi protesters than Nazis). The parade came right past my friends balcony so I got some pretty good pictures.

Example of May Trees

A part of me still can't believe those people still exist here. It's Germany for goodness sake! You'd think that someone sometime would've learned a lesson. It was cool to be around Germans for it though and hear them calling them apes and whatnot. I don't think they can believe it either...


Hope everything is well for everyone overseas! I miss you all! And to all my Bonners, I'm looking forward to our own little Mifflin Street Block party this weekend... :)