i think a change would do you good

oh the sleep!
It's incredible being able to sleep. Something I will never take for granted again! And I can do 6 or 7 hours of intense sleep and be good to go for like 14 hours! It's nuts. Never thought I'd sleep without waking up in the middle of the night again, but it has happened.

Anyway. I've had the most unproductive weekend of my life, but I don't feel like there is that much to do so it is manageable. Today I'm going to work at the lab in the morning, laundry in the afternoon, and homework in the evening.

Everything in my life is changing right now. I feel like I'm in this weird transitory phase before something happens. Or I'm ready for something to be permanently life changingly different.
Yesterday Connie and I rearranged the living room, which looks fantastic now. I bought a "Keep Calm and Carry On" poster, because I always feel like I need a reminder to do so and I am also incredibly fascinated with the history behind it. The protest up at the capitol also is shaking because should this bill pass or not, something big in Wisconsin history is happening, and it will directly affect (effect?) people that I know and talk to on a regular basis. In other news, my mom got a job as an alterationist, which will hopefully be good for her.

Point being, as Aarushi so poignantly said on the radio on Friday, "change is constant," which is incredibly true when you think about it.

So, onto another day.

the dream

i know this is a weird forum to share a dream like this, but here it goes.

it's recurring, and it's been happening for about a week now, ever since i saw that baby in the peds ward last wednesday.
i guess it's pertinent information that i want to be a mother and it's scary the thought that that dream can be taken away for so many reasons. or that i won't be a good one.
it always worries me when babies squirm in my arms because i feel like i'm not good enough to hold them or they don't like me. i'm scared my own children will feel that way too.

so, it starts with me being given someone's baby, who isn't well. he's premature and tiny. i never really see his face. they tell me that they need time away from him, they need time for themselves. they hand him to me and he immediately begins to squirm as if he doesn't like my touch. he calms down, but i fear i'm using too much force on the delicate bundle in my arms. i take the baby away, and the details get foggy at this point. he's so small and i'm scared to take him anywhere too dangerous, but for some reason i think if he's happy, he'll get better and be healthy and things will be better. so, of course, i take him to disney world which seems so insane to me right now, when i'm not dreaming, to take such an ill child to such a busy place. but anyway, i take him, and i guard the little bundle with my heart and soul. now the dream gets frantic. he needs his diaper changed, and in my dream they provide free diapers near the bathrooms, so i go to get one, but somehow i leave him, just abandon him in some sort of excitement. i need to get something from the bathroom and get back to where i left him in a huge rush, and this woman comes up to me with my bundle, where i can see the pink of his little malleable head covered by a thin blanket with a sizable dent in it and she says, 'oh, i'm sorry, was this yours?'

and i just wake up panting and scared and sad.

Another Week in Pictures and Playlists: Day 7

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Fu-Gee-La--The Fugees
Right As Rain--Adele
Chi City--Common
The Chokin' Kind--Joss Stone
Empire State of Mind--Jay-Z featuring Alicia Keys
Trouble Sleeping--Corinne Bailey Rae
Runaway--Kanye West featuring Pusha T
Lost Ones--Lauryn Hill
The Watcher--Dr. Dre
Foundations (Metronomy Remix)--Kate Nash

Another Week in Pictures and Playlists: Day 6

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You Really Got a Hold on Me--She & Him
A Day in the Life--The Beatles
You Won't See Me--Dar Williams
Save the Last Dance for Me--The Drifters
Sophie--Daniel and the Lion
Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?--Carole King
Every Time We Say Goodbye--Ella Fitzgerald
What You're Doing--The Beatles
Land Locked Blues--Bright Eyes
Red Right Ankle--The Decemberists

Another Week in Pictures and Playlists: Day 5

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the only artist I listened to today...a snapshot.

The New Year--Death Cab for Cutie
Different Names for the Same Thing--Death Cab for Cutie
Transatlantism--Death Cab for Cutie
Tiny Vessels--Death Cab for Cutie
A Lack of Color--Death Cab for Cutie
A Movie Script Ending--Death Cab for Cutie
Technicolor Girls--Death Cab for Cutie
Title and Registration--Death Cab for Cutie
Long Division--Death Cab for Cutie
What Sarah Said--Death Cab for Cutie

Another Week in Pictures and Playlists: Day 4

Took pictures with my new phone today. Hope the formatting works out well.














Late morning and early night makes for few pictures.

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Openheimer--The Old 97's
XFire-The Bens
Wasted & Ready--Ben Kweller
Gone for Good--The Shins
Down & Out--The Academy Is...
All Balloons--One Eskimo
Cut Your Hair--Pavement
The Quiet Things that No One Ever Knows--Brand New
Here Comes Your Man--The Pixies
Like Love--Rhett Miller