today was a bummer. started as a bummer only because the prospect of spending nine hours in a dingy grocery store always sounds terrible to me. finished a downer of a book during my breaks which made me appreciate how delicate life was (for the first time in the day). it's called The Girl's Guide to Hunting and Fishing and is fiction, not at all about what the title claims. humanity is frail. vague blanket statement.
my bagger was J--. J-- is, and has always been just a really nice guy. he knows my name even though today was the first time we'd ever been a bagger/checker pair, he always says hi and bye to me and asks me how i am. nice fellow, he even bought me a coffee today. a couple hours before our shift ended, he asked if i was going east. i said 'i could be' because i sensed that he might need a ride and i thought that would be a good samaritan thing to do. i had my misgivings, of course, driving a 40-something-year-old man to a sketchy part of town...but he is a genuine man. so i obliged. during the day, he had mentioned his son, a three-year-old, who he unfortunately didn't get to see on Christmas, but i didn't pry, i just listened. on the car ride home, he told me about how sad he was not to see his son, and the heartbreaking story of why.
the child's mom died in the same bed with her son and J-- of a heart attack in the middle of the night. J-- didn't discover his dead wife until morning, the child was taken away and put into foster care. J-- sees his son regularly and sends money and gifts to him. they talk on the phone. i want to know what part of this story i'm missing--why he can't see his son. and how is life so cruel to this man? is it just a really, really unfortunate series of events that led him into this situation? is it neglect to take care of himself? is it the court system? karma? i don't know. i was just shocked and horrified. life is finite, delicate and senseless.
from dropping off J--, i went to my apartment, my home. i went to go pack up my 1.5 years of growth to take it back to my dad's house. to pack it all away, to dust proof it, to sort it, to store it. seeing my empty room was sobering. it was really hard because that apartment is really the first single 'home' i've had since i was two. i've always had two houses, my mom's and my dad's, as i think i've blogged about before. the apartment was different, it was mine, it was singular, it was home. packing it all up was hard. i imagine i probably had the experience that some kids get on their first day of college, or maybe when they move out of the house they grew up in. they get uprooted. for someone who never really 'rooted' in any single dwelling, it was hard. it was impossibly difficult. i had a nice little last sob in my bare-walled room, after seeing all the remnants of courses i'd taken, soured relationships, and goals that fell by the wayside...
the next dose of this depressing philosophical day came in the form of a letter i sent to myself at 15. if i could go back and tell myself to please write something useful i would. i was such a shit! the more i read or learn about myself at 15-16, the more i just wish i would've stopped whining and realized that my life was fantastic. i was an intolerant, little cavetcher who didn't deserve the friends i had. oh, man was i conniving. my hollow letter consisted of how much i couldn't stand two really important people in my life. it babbled about how my boyfriend was a loser. my poor, poor, boyfriend. you know that song by the postal service that so perfectly describes my life? "The District Sleeps Alone Tonight" forever reminds me why that fits so well. i look back on my mistakes and think, of course! if only i wasn't so blind. "i am finally seeing, that i was the one worth leaving" (for the umpteenth time now)
not only did this letter prove to me that relationships are meant for mature, older people, but it showed me my true colors. it showed me that the rose colored glasses i tend to look at my past in are tainted by this ugly, unimpressive ex-self who has somehow contributed to this present self, who is molding future self. a self that demeaned others and could only see the world through her own eyes. but even moreso than that, it showed me how much i have changed for the better. how much more tolerant i am. how much more understanding and what huge lessons i've learned, strides i've made from talking about how stupid someone is or how ugly their clothes are (don't get me wrong, i still do it, but i'd like to think my attitude is more along the lines of, "i love them, faults and all" rather than "you have faults, fix them, you're gross")
anyway, the final blow was dealt by a crappy movie with Shaina. nothing could be more awful than a depressing plotline in a poorly executed film. One Day had potential, it did. Jim Sturgess and Anne Hathaway (with an abhorrent British accent, but we'll look beyond that) 'acted' out the depressing and predictable lives of two lovers on the same day over a span of 20 years. they pulled out all the stops, SPOILER ALERT getting run over by buses, bastard children, cheating spouses, dramatic music...it was a trainwreck. but some ideas stuck out: being made to think about cancer for the second time in a day, cancer of someone close or of yourself. drug/alcohol addiction. death of a romance. death of a relative. marriage of an ex-romance. they all seem terrible, but i seem to get fixated on that last one. no matter how happy you are with someone, (or without, to be fair) couldn't it be true that a little piece of you shutters at the thought of that? shutters to think of the person you loved with someone else...? maybe i'm just the over-analytical jealous type.
well, tomorrow, despite the dreary wisconsin december, will be better. it can only be better.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
icepartment
so i threw out a core of an apple and a banana peel in my apartment a few days ago (read: a week) before i retreated to my house. it is so frigid in my apartment that there is no hint of a sour smell, not even evidence that the nasty fruit was thrown out days ago, nor hours ago. the banana peel is still yellow. our heating system does not work. feeling my fingers at any given moment is a luxury, my toes a long forgotten memory. our oven, which we suspect may be emitting noxious fumes, helps warm our kitchidinilivingroom, but unsurprisingly not over by the window. or the chair. or the table. the couch serves as an interactive ice sculpture that the roommates and i allow guests to rest their weary bones upon. let this post serve as a memory to me of my lovely first apartment back in my college years. let it serve as a reminder of what cheap rent and 'heat included' means. in years to come, let me look back on december 2011 and think, 'wow, am i glad i live here (wherever here is) now.'
on another note, i am moving back to my house this week for the brief month before i ship off to europe and i know i will sorely miss this sad-ass excuse of an apartment and its freezepop-like inhabitants.
on another note, i am moving back to my house this week for the brief month before i ship off to europe and i know i will sorely miss this sad-ass excuse of an apartment and its freezepop-like inhabitants.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Monday, December 12, 2011
2011: the lists
top ten experiences of 2011:
1. Watching the expansive sky/clouds every day in Kenya.
2. Seeing the Old City of Jerusalem in Israel and its vibrant life and cohabitation.
3. Safari! Listening to the Lion King soundtrack crossing the savannah was epic.
4. NFC Championship Game with the family. Soo much fun!!
5. Swimming in the Mediterranean Sea/Snorkeling in the Red Sea/Swimming in the Indian Ocean
6. Dancing at Izzy's Wedding (Izzy and Jessica's wedding. Force of habit.)
7. Getting accepted to Study Abroad in Germany.
8. Walking in to a class and watching a Beyonce music video (every other moment of that class)
9. Hiking up Masada/in the Golan Heights//Hiking up the Ngong Hills (never huffed/puffed/sweated so much in my LIFE)
10. Sitting in the tree at the end of Picnic Point and watching the waves crash up on the shore. There's a whole bunch of new human-stuff there now so I'll never have that back.
best things about 2011:
1. the experiences.
2. my classes this fall. (especially black music and stats!)
3. actually applying to nursing school!
4. learning a lot about myself through travel.
5. living in my apartment. my home. :)
6. being legally allowed to order a drink.
7. my friends and family. being surrounded with people!
8. harry potter world! hell yes
9. the incredible weather
10. CNA classes with Sasha/becoming a CNA/being a CNA
songs that defined 2011 for me:
1. Someone Like You-Adele
2. Ambling Alp-Yeasayer
3. Run the World (Girls)-Beyonce (and I Was Here)
4. Runaway-Kanye West
5. You're Going to Make Me Lonesome When You Go-Bob Dylan
6. Lucifer-Jay-Z
7. Sitting on the Dock of the Bay-Otis Redding
8. Unpretty-TLC
9. My Mirror Speaks-Death Cab for Cutie
10. Ex Factor-Lauryn Hill
11. How Many Lovers-Jhameel
the worst:
1. sarah moving away (and jason, too!)
2. feeling so awful the weekend of izzy's wedding. being surrounded by my regrets.
3. miami during thanksgiving.
4. dating that asshole...and lord is he ever an asshole!
5. that stomach flu I came down with...in Madison, but also when I was in Kenya after the exotic meat when I was missing home so much.
6. my dad's brush with cancer.
7. quitting a job. that was rough and embarrassing. tied with microbiology, the worst class ever.
8. my 21st birthday (after 2am before 2 it almost made the list for the most amazing things). and more specifically the hangover that only ended two days later.
9. my mom's deterioration...i know it's a little harsh to put it on here...and she does have great days, but still).
10. the awkwardness post-Israel when my two friends came with me on my 'spiritual' adventure. i wish things would've gone differently.
goals for next year:
1. Make Germany Count. Speak German whenever possible, be comfortable. See Europe.
2. be kinder. in thoughts, in actions.
3. improve on the romance. don't date losers. get over old flames. don't let the thoughts fester.
4. get into Nursing School (although I don't have much control over that now)
5. Find a TV show that parallels my interest in Mad Men. (Also, find a way to watch Mad Men in Germany without spending too much money)
6. Learn Spanish!
7. lose weight (as always). be overall healthier. stop smoking cigarettes completely. don't drive everywhere.
8. dress better. I should really, really cut out the sweatpants.
foods of the year:
1. nonfat lattes with sugar free vanilla syrup/med cafe tea
2. caribou coffee with rushi
3. bread pudding
4. bananas
5. homemade bakery from the minds and kitchen of connie and me (I?)
6. the "rabbit diet" of my dad and me
7. hazelnut chocolate bars
8. pumpkin pie! (That's an always food)
9. moscoto
10. pineapple curry from curry in a box
the love/hate relationship we have with the apartment:
1. it's freezing. the oven heats it though. in the summer it was unbearably hot.
2. it's dirty and cramped and cold
3. connie made a song about it
4. rushi's never there
5. the ridiculous skipping of class on all three of our parts
6. group outings/procrastination
7. late night chats in the kitchdiningroom
8. the power going out when the space heaters run
9. the S&M couple (wildebeast?) who live(s) next door
10. parking. good and bad. get exercise even though i drive?
top things i wore this year:
1. my yoga pants (depressing that I lost them in Israel)
2. my gap skinny jeans (warm!)
3. as usual, my Wisconsin State Bird shirt
4. braided bracelet and anklet from kids in Kenya
5. that trio of solid faded v-neck t-shirts from the gap
6. my blue polka dotted tank top
7. my brown moccasins
8. my turquoise coat
9. my green capris
top places i frequented this year:
1. the apartment
2. the house (toward the end)
3. airports
4. woodman's
5. the SAC (German Cubby, usually)
6. My mom's apartment
7. espresso royale
8. microbial sciences building
frequently visited websites:
1. gmail
2. facebook
3. twitter
4. wisc.edu
5. blogger
6. beolingus
7. sporcle
8. amazon
9. nytimes
my materialistikah christmakkah list:
1. digital slr camera
2. ipod
3. ipad
4. amazon gift card
5. contact lenses/glasses
6. this bag: http://tinyurl.com/7tjovq8
7. sperry's/nicer boots
8. Camp/4
9. frequent flier miles
read this year:
1. ender's game
2. a heartbreaking work of staggering genius
3. a good man in africa
4. harry potter 3-7 (finally)
5. many rolling stone magazines
6. nytimes.com/twitter feed
7. somebody scream!/our america
8. the help
9. anatomy/physiology/microbio textbooks
10. a whole bunch of 19th century german literature
1. Watching the expansive sky/clouds every day in Kenya.
2. Seeing the Old City of Jerusalem in Israel and its vibrant life and cohabitation.
3. Safari! Listening to the Lion King soundtrack crossing the savannah was epic.
4. NFC Championship Game with the family. Soo much fun!!
5. Swimming in the Mediterranean Sea/Snorkeling in the Red Sea/Swimming in the Indian Ocean
6. Dancing at Izzy's Wedding (Izzy and Jessica's wedding. Force of habit.)
7. Getting accepted to Study Abroad in Germany.
8. Walking in to a class and watching a Beyonce music video (every other moment of that class)
9. Hiking up Masada/in the Golan Heights//Hiking up the Ngong Hills (never huffed/puffed/sweated so much in my LIFE)
10. Sitting in the tree at the end of Picnic Point and watching the waves crash up on the shore. There's a whole bunch of new human-stuff there now so I'll never have that back.
best things about 2011:
1. the experiences.
2. my classes this fall. (especially black music and stats!)
3. actually applying to nursing school!
4. learning a lot about myself through travel.
5. living in my apartment. my home. :)
6. being legally allowed to order a drink.
7. my friends and family. being surrounded with people!
8. harry potter world! hell yes
9. the incredible weather
10. CNA classes with Sasha/becoming a CNA/being a CNA
songs that defined 2011 for me:
1. Someone Like You-Adele
2. Ambling Alp-Yeasayer
3. Run the World (Girls)-Beyonce (and I Was Here)
4. Runaway-Kanye West
5. You're Going to Make Me Lonesome When You Go-Bob Dylan
6. Lucifer-Jay-Z
7. Sitting on the Dock of the Bay-Otis Redding
8. Unpretty-TLC
9. My Mirror Speaks-Death Cab for Cutie
10. Ex Factor-Lauryn Hill
11. How Many Lovers-Jhameel
the worst:
1. sarah moving away (and jason, too!)
2. feeling so awful the weekend of izzy's wedding. being surrounded by my regrets.
3. miami during thanksgiving.
4. dating that asshole...and lord is he ever an asshole!
5. that stomach flu I came down with...in Madison, but also when I was in Kenya after the exotic meat when I was missing home so much.
6. my dad's brush with cancer.
7. quitting a job. that was rough and embarrassing. tied with microbiology, the worst class ever.
8. my 21st birthday (after 2am before 2 it almost made the list for the most amazing things). and more specifically the hangover that only ended two days later.
9. my mom's deterioration...i know it's a little harsh to put it on here...and she does have great days, but still).
10. the awkwardness post-Israel when my two friends came with me on my 'spiritual' adventure. i wish things would've gone differently.
goals for next year:
1. Make Germany Count. Speak German whenever possible, be comfortable. See Europe.
2. be kinder. in thoughts, in actions.
3. improve on the romance. don't date losers. get over old flames. don't let the thoughts fester.
4. get into Nursing School (although I don't have much control over that now)
5. Find a TV show that parallels my interest in Mad Men. (Also, find a way to watch Mad Men in Germany without spending too much money)
6. Learn Spanish!
7. lose weight (as always). be overall healthier. stop smoking cigarettes completely. don't drive everywhere.
8. dress better. I should really, really cut out the sweatpants.
foods of the year:
1. nonfat lattes with sugar free vanilla syrup/med cafe tea
2. caribou coffee with rushi
3. bread pudding
4. bananas
5. homemade bakery from the minds and kitchen of connie and me (I?)
6. the "rabbit diet" of my dad and me
7. hazelnut chocolate bars
8. pumpkin pie! (That's an always food)
9. moscoto
10. pineapple curry from curry in a box
the love/hate relationship we have with the apartment:
1. it's freezing. the oven heats it though. in the summer it was unbearably hot.
2. it's dirty and cramped and cold
3. connie made a song about it
4. rushi's never there
5. the ridiculous skipping of class on all three of our parts
6. group outings/procrastination
7. late night chats in the kitchdiningroom
8. the power going out when the space heaters run
9. the S&M couple (wildebeast?) who live(s) next door
10. parking. good and bad. get exercise even though i drive?
top things i wore this year:
1. my yoga pants (depressing that I lost them in Israel)
2. my gap skinny jeans (warm!)
3. as usual, my Wisconsin State Bird shirt
4. braided bracelet and anklet from kids in Kenya
5. that trio of solid faded v-neck t-shirts from the gap
6. my blue polka dotted tank top
7. my brown moccasins
8. my turquoise coat
9. my green capris
top places i frequented this year:
1. the apartment
2. the house (toward the end)
3. airports
4. woodman's
5. the SAC (German Cubby, usually)
6. My mom's apartment
7. espresso royale
8. microbial sciences building
frequently visited websites:
1. gmail
2. facebook
3. twitter
4. wisc.edu
5. blogger
6. beolingus
7. sporcle
8. amazon
9. nytimes
my materialistikah christmakkah list:
1. digital slr camera
2. ipod
3. ipad
4. amazon gift card
5. contact lenses/glasses
6. this bag: http://tinyurl.com/7tjovq8
7. sperry's/nicer boots
8. Camp/4
9. frequent flier miles
read this year:
1. ender's game
2. a heartbreaking work of staggering genius
3. a good man in africa
4. harry potter 3-7 (finally)
5. many rolling stone magazines
6. nytimes.com/twitter feed
7. somebody scream!/our america
8. the help
9. anatomy/physiology/microbio textbooks
10. a whole bunch of 19th century german literature
Thursday, December 8, 2011
positively charged
well, positives. let's focus on those.
today i passed my liquor licensing test, which i thought was pretty cool. they asked all these weird math questions, like, how many drinks has this person had? based on their physical characteristics and behavior, are they drunk? what would you do if this person staggered drunkenly to you? would you let them drive? things like that. also, where is alcohol processed and absorbed in your body?
it was boring. the class took about three and a half hours and in that time i calculated i make approximately a quarter a minute. not too shabby. that means every four minutes i make a dollar. etc.
black music has been going really well, stats too. I have a quiz tomorrow but don't need to study for it at all because i already have an automatic A (assuming I turn in my project next tuesday).
i quit my lab job yesterday. (no kidding!) it took a lot of courage on my part (or it felt like it did anyway) but i'm happy i did it and still got invited to the holiday party next week. relief.
i feel like i took on so many responsibilities in the past, this semester have systematically unloaded them and as if my life is empty. i don't have many things that urgently need to be remembered. i spend a lot of time watching tv (not procrastinating). it's relaxing but i also feel like a lot of my emotions now-a-days stem from just having too much time on my hands with which to think while i knit and listen to podcasts.
I was thinking about deleting my facebook. It seems almost to me that having a facebook is just as bad as not letting go of the past. You see all these random faces from bygone periods of your life, people who either meant very little to you or you just had cursory interactions with, or people you were close to but don't keep in contact with anyway. Sometimes, it's better to just let a good thing go and not try to prolong the magic. (Think: cutting a TV show after it jumps the shark). And people have gotten so nosy and just know what everybody else is doing! That feels almost like an invasion of privacy, except that we all put our dirty laundry out there for everyone to see anyway.
An anecdotal example: Jerry has no facebook and seems no less connected than the next guy...in fact he's more social despite his having a long term girlfriend and moving cities. props. i realize that like, 70% of my "friends" I will probably never speak to again and beyond that, i have no interest in the people I do see on my newsfeed. Maybe the solution is just not checking it as much, as I will be really removed next semester and don't want to cut all ties from home.
brace yourselves...the next post shall be the year in lists!
Monday, December 5, 2011
depressing frosting on the cupcake of my life
this looks worse than it is. but the dramatic title really spices things up, don't you think?
a list of things i'm not proud of:
-how i cry
-how i get worked up about trivial things
-how i quit my job
-my need for perfection coupled with my tendency to give up
-my tendency to spend money
-always looking for something meaningful to say when the best thing would just be silence
-my reclusiveness
-how i procrastinate to the point of misery
-the overthinking
-the bad habits and inability to change them
-my tendency to live in the past
-negative thoughts about others
-my body
-the way i think about romance
-a couple of romantic encounters
-feeling worthless for stupid reasons
-being whiny
-not focusing on good things (there are so many!)
-how i look in jeans
-my inability to think abstractly
-how i handle my parents
-my inability to articulate well (writing or speaking)
-my inferiority complex
-being an over-privileged white american with no real problems, but yet still finding a reason to be unhappy sometimes
this should end now. hope it's just the weather
a list of things i'm not proud of:
-how i cry
-how i get worked up about trivial things
-how i quit my job
-my need for perfection coupled with my tendency to give up
-my tendency to spend money
-always looking for something meaningful to say when the best thing would just be silence
-my reclusiveness
-how i procrastinate to the point of misery
-the overthinking
-the bad habits and inability to change them
-my tendency to live in the past
-negative thoughts about others
-my body
-the way i think about romance
-a couple of romantic encounters
-feeling worthless for stupid reasons
-being whiny
-not focusing on good things (there are so many!)
-how i look in jeans
-my inability to think abstractly
-how i handle my parents
-my inability to articulate well (writing or speaking)
-my inferiority complex
-being an over-privileged white american with no real problems, but yet still finding a reason to be unhappy sometimes
this should end now. hope it's just the weather
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
procrastination station
It's the last day of November today, but you knew that already. The weather here has been tolerable, considering. It's gotten to that point where the leaves are all dead and too crunchy to jump in, I can't wear anything on my feet without thick socks or fur, and I should be looking forward to a warm, pleasant winter break. Not so this year. I feel a little empty heading into December not having any winter break plans, save for going to colder/drearier places to visit friends before I go to Europe. The caribbean seems so nice. Island music, relaxing on the beach...massages on the beach...!
That's such an overprivileged, disgusting comment.
I've done something really crappy. I've gone AWOL at my lab job. I haven't gone there in weeks, but I just can't bring myself to go or to quit. I feel like I'm in limbo. I never quit jobs. I always let circumstances determine when I have to leave, which is what I was planning on doing when the time came for me to study abroad, but I just can't handle it anymore. The time I used to be in lab I use so much better when I'm not in lab. It's the only social time of my day, I see friends, get coffee. Today I even finished a stats project that's not due for two weeks. So what to do? E-mail and say thanks but no thanks? Just never show my face again? Go there with my tail between my legs and talk to my boss? Procrastinate?
I got an iPad today at the library, checked out for three days. One could say we've gotten close, his name is Fez. I'm buying one for my mom for Christmas, she deserves something nice (and yet...somehow the gifts I give her usually backfire) as well as internet access so she can skype me while I'm away. I figure a tablet will give her less of an opportunity to screw it up (as she has with two other computers) and the limited capabilities won't be so confusing. Hopefully we'll get started on lessons a few weeks before departure so she learns the ins and outs of the beast.
This last bit is for my own personal use...but friends are invited (indeed encouraged) to come with me to any of them!!
General Travel Goals as of 12/1/2011 when I return from Europe (ordered)
1. Nepal/India
2. Peru
3. Japan
4. Thailand
5. China
6. North Africa (Egypt and Morocco. Maybe Tunisia)
7. Pacific Islands
8. Australia
9. Iceland/Northern Europe
10. Bolivia/Chile/Ecuador/Guatemala (after I learn Spanish)
And then, once I get to them all, go back and rediscover in more depth. And find new places.
That is all.
That's such an overprivileged, disgusting comment.
I've done something really crappy. I've gone AWOL at my lab job. I haven't gone there in weeks, but I just can't bring myself to go or to quit. I feel like I'm in limbo. I never quit jobs. I always let circumstances determine when I have to leave, which is what I was planning on doing when the time came for me to study abroad, but I just can't handle it anymore. The time I used to be in lab I use so much better when I'm not in lab. It's the only social time of my day, I see friends, get coffee. Today I even finished a stats project that's not due for two weeks. So what to do? E-mail and say thanks but no thanks? Just never show my face again? Go there with my tail between my legs and talk to my boss? Procrastinate?
I got an iPad today at the library, checked out for three days. One could say we've gotten close, his name is Fez. I'm buying one for my mom for Christmas, she deserves something nice (and yet...somehow the gifts I give her usually backfire) as well as internet access so she can skype me while I'm away. I figure a tablet will give her less of an opportunity to screw it up (as she has with two other computers) and the limited capabilities won't be so confusing. Hopefully we'll get started on lessons a few weeks before departure so she learns the ins and outs of the beast.
This last bit is for my own personal use...but friends are invited (indeed encouraged) to come with me to any of them!!
General Travel Goals as of 12/1/2011 when I return from Europe (ordered)
1. Nepal/India
2. Peru
3. Japan
4. Thailand
5. China
6. North Africa (Egypt and Morocco. Maybe Tunisia)
7. Pacific Islands
8. Australia
9. Iceland/Northern Europe
10. Bolivia/Chile/Ecuador/Guatemala (after I learn Spanish)
And then, once I get to them all, go back and rediscover in more depth. And find new places.
That is all.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
anecdotes on a saturday
worked in the liquor store today. there are people here who drink a pint of liquor a day, regulars at the liquor store. i felt sad for them. also astounded at how foul their language is at times.
rum-chata looks good, too bad they sell out so quick.
i hope my son grows up to play professional football.
no one has contacted me for 24 hours. that includes parents (a blessing? my mom is 7 texts down from her daily average), co-workers, friends and other miscellaneous family members. no e-mails from junk corporations, no special offers, no facebook wall posts, messages, etc. it occurred to me that perhaps my phone was broken but i thought the better of it. it's fully functional.
spent the day baking pies snd making dinner, wore my hair like a girl from the 40's. felt good.
ate too much, bad habit, good pies.
tomorrow is stress-giving 2011...my mom's thanksgiving feast. i'm bringing the booze.
airplane rides make me ornery.
jurassic park is a horror story (?!!)
seeing movies alone is nice. jason segal is the best.
wish i had a boy to take to the packers game should i win the drawing i entered. can't bring my dad cause he works. feel like it's almost wasting the tickets to bring another girl who knows probably less than me about the damn sport, but i guess that's what's going to happen. shouldn't count my chickens before they hatch anyway.
frasier is the new 30 rock.
i want to end facebook. and twitter. and gchat.
as i was cleaning my room today, i used the phrase 'de-baruching'; it was a pretty accurate portrayal of what was happening.
computer screen looks dirtier in the light. solutions? a) clean it. b) keep it as dark as possible in mycave bedroom.
dusty.
rum-chata looks good, too bad they sell out so quick.
i hope my son grows up to play professional football.
no one has contacted me for 24 hours. that includes parents (a blessing? my mom is 7 texts down from her daily average), co-workers, friends and other miscellaneous family members. no e-mails from junk corporations, no special offers, no facebook wall posts, messages, etc. it occurred to me that perhaps my phone was broken but i thought the better of it. it's fully functional.
spent the day baking pies snd making dinner, wore my hair like a girl from the 40's. felt good.
ate too much, bad habit, good pies.
tomorrow is stress-giving 2011...my mom's thanksgiving feast. i'm bringing the booze.
airplane rides make me ornery.
jurassic park is a horror story (?!!)
seeing movies alone is nice. jason segal is the best.
wish i had a boy to take to the packers game should i win the drawing i entered. can't bring my dad cause he works. feel like it's almost wasting the tickets to bring another girl who knows probably less than me about the damn sport, but i guess that's what's going to happen. shouldn't count my chickens before they hatch anyway.
frasier is the new 30 rock.
i want to end facebook. and twitter. and gchat.
as i was cleaning my room today, i used the phrase 'de-baruching'; it was a pretty accurate portrayal of what was happening.
computer screen looks dirtier in the light. solutions? a) clean it. b) keep it as dark as possible in my
dusty.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
orlandon't ever want to leave
After the emotional shittiness that became Sunday night, I urged my dad on Monday morning to please, please take us to Disney World. Success! Disney World is like a miracle drug...it cures all of my emotional ailments, it gives me hope that there will be better days and that, as cliche, commericial, overused and obnoxious it may seem, dreams do come true. I came out of Tuesday at Disney World feeling less worthless and less down on myself, whether it was because I was distracted for the day or because it genuinely gave me a renewed outlook on things, that's what it was.
I guess the sore spot was the aftermath. At the time, I love seeing all the happy babies and good parents with their kids, smiling and enjoying the day. Because I love people watching so much, nothing makes me happier than people watching in the places that make people the happiest. Some kids...I swear I'll never see a happier kid. And I love that moment when parents ask their kids a stupid question, the kid gives them a cute answer and the joy just radiates out from the parent's face. I love that moment.
Looking back on it though, it's a tinged with a bit of sadness...feeling like those parents will never be me. I always get this panic...that those parents will never be me because I want it so badly. I wonder if any of those parents thought about it at all...or if it just came to them, like it's supposed to. And then I feel bad for being so envious because that's one of those complex perfidious emotions that seems like it's not so bad, but in reality, it's one of the worst feelings you can have towards yourself and towards others. I hate that emotion.
So anyway, today was another great day. I've been waiting since I was 11 to go to Hogwarts, so the 45 minute line this afternoon seemed like it passed in the blink of an eye. They did it so well. There was Zonko's and Honeydukes and Olivanders, The Three Broomsticks, the Hogs Head, Flourish and Blotts...there were shops that I'd forgotten about (and have forgotten again, but at the time I was like, No bloody way!!) and the best part about it all was that the houses weren't parallel or completely level, they were just like they had been described in the books...tilting as if held together by magic. All the doors opened with real doorknobs, none of that automatic crap! And Hogwarts...oy vey I tell you, I swear when I walked into the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom Lupin could've strode up beside me and I would've been like, 'oh hey Remus!'
And the Butterbeer was everything I'd hoped for and more.
So, now, sitting back here in South Florida, I return to my not-so-happy mood. When I get like this it's best just to get my mind off of it...my dad and I made Thanksgiving dinner tonight so we would have time to eat all the leftovers before going home. He's getting more like my grandma all the time...it's almost frightening. I hate seeing my dad's humanity, he's supposed to be a superhero.
I guess the sore spot was the aftermath. At the time, I love seeing all the happy babies and good parents with their kids, smiling and enjoying the day. Because I love people watching so much, nothing makes me happier than people watching in the places that make people the happiest. Some kids...I swear I'll never see a happier kid. And I love that moment when parents ask their kids a stupid question, the kid gives them a cute answer and the joy just radiates out from the parent's face. I love that moment.
Looking back on it though, it's a tinged with a bit of sadness...feeling like those parents will never be me. I always get this panic...that those parents will never be me because I want it so badly. I wonder if any of those parents thought about it at all...or if it just came to them, like it's supposed to. And then I feel bad for being so envious because that's one of those complex perfidious emotions that seems like it's not so bad, but in reality, it's one of the worst feelings you can have towards yourself and towards others. I hate that emotion.
So anyway, today was another great day. I've been waiting since I was 11 to go to Hogwarts, so the 45 minute line this afternoon seemed like it passed in the blink of an eye. They did it so well. There was Zonko's and Honeydukes and Olivanders, The Three Broomsticks, the Hogs Head, Flourish and Blotts...there were shops that I'd forgotten about (and have forgotten again, but at the time I was like, No bloody way!!) and the best part about it all was that the houses weren't parallel or completely level, they were just like they had been described in the books...tilting as if held together by magic. All the doors opened with real doorknobs, none of that automatic crap! And Hogwarts...oy vey I tell you, I swear when I walked into the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom Lupin could've strode up beside me and I would've been like, 'oh hey Remus!'
And the Butterbeer was everything I'd hoped for and more.
So, now, sitting back here in South Florida, I return to my not-so-happy mood. When I get like this it's best just to get my mind off of it...my dad and I made Thanksgiving dinner tonight so we would have time to eat all the leftovers before going home. He's getting more like my grandma all the time...it's almost frightening. I hate seeing my dad's humanity, he's supposed to be a superhero.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
intent or result
Result: I feel really awful right now. I feel frustrated, annoyed, regretful, stupid, used, rude and just downright bad about myself. Every question I ask has an obvious answer, every time I speak I'm babbling, every idea I have is lame. What I want to do isn't good enough. When I just appease I'm annoying and complacent. The things I'm proud of are just alright. Every opinion I have is wrong. Every time I express issue with how I perceive how I'm being treated I feel like beleaguering oversensitive girl.
Intent: Definitely (hopefully) not that.
Who's to blame?
I'm a good person. I'm a caring person. I'm intelligent, I'm helpful, I'm interested. I don't want to put anyone out. But somehow, I seem to induce the same problems I'm trying to avoid. I should know better.
Anyway: on to a few days in Florida. I can relax after I finish this paper, go to the pool, read for pleasure, get a grip. Get some rest.
Intent: Definitely (hopefully) not that.
Who's to blame?
I'm a good person. I'm a caring person. I'm intelligent, I'm helpful, I'm interested. I don't want to put anyone out. But somehow, I seem to induce the same problems I'm trying to avoid. I should know better.
Anyway: on to a few days in Florida. I can relax after I finish this paper, go to the pool, read for pleasure, get a grip. Get some rest.
Monday, November 14, 2011
mid-November
November is one of those depressing months...like March. Ever since my recovery, I have been taking very poor care of my body...(living hedonistically). I don't know if I blogged about this before, but if not, I'm covering my bases. I am a firm believer that my body is really only a vessel for my brain to be carried around in. That's all I really wanted to say about that.
I went back to the apartment for the first time in a week or so today. It was freezing, the hallway smelled like burnt vagina, but the apartment itself felt home-y enough. Found out I'm not moving back to the house officially until January, takes some stress off before finals, I suppose. (are they really only a few weeks away already?) My crystal ball says I'll probably be living mostly from home very shortly, as the food is free, the bed is warm and filled with cats and the internet is faster. And there's no blaring music every single night, gotta love the 'burbs.
Campus takes on this seriousness this time of year. Kids get real right around now...start remembering that school is extant and has serious consequences for your future. My classes are hard and I'm just not ready to work that hard, so I guess I don't feel so much a part of that as I have in the past.
For a long time I whole heartedly believed I was going to Colorado next week for Thanksgiving, but I am not. I am going to Fort Lauderdale (THANK GOD) because it's warm down there. Florida is like my second home anyway, I really should just suck it up and move there for my last two years of college. That was one of my college-age goals (albeit it was working for Disney, but that's just not going to happen). But I could theoretically purchase a Florida resident annual pass which would be just as good (if not better) in my books. Then the magic wouldn't be ruined. Who knows, but I'm seriously considering it, as I hate the winter and the cold and the ice and the snow and the miserable gray skies that only allow the sun to peek out for 20 minutes every day (and it's still in the 50's here...bad sign for the coming months).
Anyway, stress will ensue for the next few days, I wrote one paper today (only 3 pages) have another due on Friday (only 3 pages) and one due next Tuesday which I should finish promptly. I have a stats project and a quiz on Thursday...and then it's off to the homeland.
I went back to the apartment for the first time in a week or so today. It was freezing, the hallway smelled like burnt vagina, but the apartment itself felt home-y enough. Found out I'm not moving back to the house officially until January, takes some stress off before finals, I suppose. (are they really only a few weeks away already?) My crystal ball says I'll probably be living mostly from home very shortly, as the food is free, the bed is warm and filled with cats and the internet is faster. And there's no blaring music every single night, gotta love the 'burbs.
Campus takes on this seriousness this time of year. Kids get real right around now...start remembering that school is extant and has serious consequences for your future. My classes are hard and I'm just not ready to work that hard, so I guess I don't feel so much a part of that as I have in the past.
For a long time I whole heartedly believed I was going to Colorado next week for Thanksgiving, but I am not. I am going to Fort Lauderdale (THANK GOD) because it's warm down there. Florida is like my second home anyway, I really should just suck it up and move there for my last two years of college. That was one of my college-age goals (albeit it was working for Disney, but that's just not going to happen). But I could theoretically purchase a Florida resident annual pass which would be just as good (if not better) in my books. Then the magic wouldn't be ruined. Who knows, but I'm seriously considering it, as I hate the winter and the cold and the ice and the snow and the miserable gray skies that only allow the sun to peek out for 20 minutes every day (and it's still in the 50's here...bad sign for the coming months).
Anyway, stress will ensue for the next few days, I wrote one paper today (only 3 pages) have another due on Friday (only 3 pages) and one due next Tuesday which I should finish promptly. I have a stats project and a quiz on Thursday...and then it's off to the homeland.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
shoo flu, don't bother me
This has been the worst. I have missed two days of class because I am too ill to get out of bed, which just makes me feel fat and lazy, but honestly, I'm honestly just too sick. I've never had an IV before though, so that was interesting. It was weird to feel hydrated-er but not actually be drinking any water, and also it hurts WAY less than getting a shot. Also the first time for me to have blood drawn (which randomly hurt way less than actually donating blood...is that because when you donate blood they use an artery or is that just because whoever pricked me when I donated blood sucked?) Moving on, I'd like to introduce you all to Geraldo, the giant now occupying my thorax that randomly decides to wail in embarrassing situations. I should just stay away from food for a few days.
Otherwise, life has been stressful in the worst ways. Applying for schools is one of those things that shouldn't be stressful but is when you parfait it on top of all the other yogurt-y responsibilities you're given. I'm always second guessing and reorganizing and questioning my priorities, which is something I regularly try to figure out but then the cycle starts all over again and deeper into my morass I fade. I feel like it's one of those situations where I'm going to end up going to UW no matter how many other schools I apply to so I might as well just face the music and stop applying to all the other schools because it doesn't matter anyway.
Speaking of facing the music, I missed the Michael Jackson lecture for my black music class today. shitty. (no pun intended. well, kind of a pun intended). I've been listening to Ra Ra Riot which I enjoy a lot and have discovered Young, Wild and Free by Snoop Dogg and some other random rappers which I enjoy way more than I should. Run DMC is also fairly infectious (like my virus!) as is Beyonce, as always. I've been heavy on the hip-hop lately, a result of this class perhaps? More likely it's escapism, it's nice to forget about those things I think about too much for four minutes of my day.
I've been feeling lonely, too. I've had a bunch of situations where I really urgently wanted to call and talk to someone but felt that no one was really there to listen. I miss that, I do. I just wish I had someone I could talk shit out to without feeling like an idiot.
Otherwise, life has been stressful in the worst ways. Applying for schools is one of those things that shouldn't be stressful but is when you parfait it on top of all the other yogurt-y responsibilities you're given. I'm always second guessing and reorganizing and questioning my priorities, which is something I regularly try to figure out but then the cycle starts all over again and deeper into my morass I fade. I feel like it's one of those situations where I'm going to end up going to UW no matter how many other schools I apply to so I might as well just face the music and stop applying to all the other schools because it doesn't matter anyway.
Speaking of facing the music, I missed the Michael Jackson lecture for my black music class today. shitty. (no pun intended. well, kind of a pun intended). I've been listening to Ra Ra Riot which I enjoy a lot and have discovered Young, Wild and Free by Snoop Dogg and some other random rappers which I enjoy way more than I should. Run DMC is also fairly infectious (like my virus!) as is Beyonce, as always. I've been heavy on the hip-hop lately, a result of this class perhaps? More likely it's escapism, it's nice to forget about those things I think about too much for four minutes of my day.
I've been feeling lonely, too. I've had a bunch of situations where I really urgently wanted to call and talk to someone but felt that no one was really there to listen. I miss that, I do. I just wish I had someone I could talk shit out to without feeling like an idiot.
Friday, November 4, 2011
when good's not good enough
today was one of those days. those days when you feel like nothing, absolutely nothing, i do isn't good enough. i studied FOREVER for my anatomy exam. (well, not forever because that means the time spent studying should be infinite and it wasn't) (also, there should be a function on a keyboard where you highlight a sentence and it puts it in parenthesis. or quotes. i should be rich) anyway, so i studied a lot for this exam, and i learned SO much! i'm so impressed with how much better i know the human body now, and not just superficially-i'll-forget-it-tomorrow kind of stuff, but i actually learned and taught myself and took time. (which I do feel good about, don't get me wrong) but it just wasn't good enough. merely mediocre.
then there was my german exam. i even read all the material and studied and i finished early, which made me feel like i missed the point. i felt like a big crappy pants (yes, a big crappy pants) and like i'm really going to struggle next year in Germany because I can't think of the word for "priest" right off the top of my head. Das Wort ist Pfarrer, wenn sie wollten.
I am mediocre in other ways too. I'm just not good enough. I have little self control. I can't help doing things that I know I shouldn't do at times I shouldn't do them; reading a book that's not for school, munching on Scott's delicious bakery items left out on my table, procrastinating, buying that thing that's high in convenience but expensive, or ordering something at a restaurant that I know I'll finish and regret. I'm bad at getting myself out of mental holes I dig myself, like this one, where I honestly believe that I'll never be good enough for what I want to do. That I'll never be good enough for anybody else.
And then, driving to what turned out to be a really shit-tastic drunken (on her part) time with my mom, I was listening to Jay-Z, and I was thinking: had I come from a situation in which I was not destined to lead a life of mediocrity things would be different. Had I come from Jay-Z's world, I would be lauded for getting Bs in anatomy and German, for even being able to come to UW at all. If I had been born into destitution, I would be fucking stellar. But I wasn't. So I'm luke-warm mediocre at everything I do, at best.
And being mediocre is worse than being horrible, in my opinion, right now. take it with a grain of salt.
self deprecation for the win!
Also, new facts from my favorite class: Kanye West's mother had a Ph.D. Producers pay for the beats in songs, that's how rappers really make money. You can also tell who produced a song based on the style of the song (Kanye West productions tend to sample a lot of older music, Eminem's beats are hard and driven, etc.) Hip-Hop music came from Jamaica. Run DMC was a babe and is now a pastor. Flavor Flav was actually super legit back in his prime. Beyonce may or may not actually write her own songs, but she gets credit for it because she pays for the writers and the studio. Before sampling songs was a big thing, there was no law against it, so lots of artists just got sampled without getting paid.
then there was my german exam. i even read all the material and studied and i finished early, which made me feel like i missed the point. i felt like a big crappy pants (yes, a big crappy pants) and like i'm really going to struggle next year in Germany because I can't think of the word for "priest" right off the top of my head. Das Wort ist Pfarrer, wenn sie wollten.
I am mediocre in other ways too. I'm just not good enough. I have little self control. I can't help doing things that I know I shouldn't do at times I shouldn't do them; reading a book that's not for school, munching on Scott's delicious bakery items left out on my table, procrastinating, buying that thing that's high in convenience but expensive, or ordering something at a restaurant that I know I'll finish and regret. I'm bad at getting myself out of mental holes I dig myself, like this one, where I honestly believe that I'll never be good enough for what I want to do. That I'll never be good enough for anybody else.
And then, driving to what turned out to be a really shit-tastic drunken (on her part) time with my mom, I was listening to Jay-Z, and I was thinking: had I come from a situation in which I was not destined to lead a life of mediocrity things would be different. Had I come from Jay-Z's world, I would be lauded for getting Bs in anatomy and German, for even being able to come to UW at all. If I had been born into destitution, I would be fucking stellar. But I wasn't. So I'm luke-warm mediocre at everything I do, at best.
And being mediocre is worse than being horrible, in my opinion, right now. take it with a grain of salt.
self deprecation for the win!
Also, new facts from my favorite class: Kanye West's mother had a Ph.D. Producers pay for the beats in songs, that's how rappers really make money. You can also tell who produced a song based on the style of the song (Kanye West productions tend to sample a lot of older music, Eminem's beats are hard and driven, etc.) Hip-Hop music came from Jamaica. Run DMC was a babe and is now a pastor. Flavor Flav was actually super legit back in his prime. Beyonce may or may not actually write her own songs, but she gets credit for it because she pays for the writers and the studio. Before sampling songs was a big thing, there was no law against it, so lots of artists just got sampled without getting paid.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
dreaming of carnivals
today in stats lecture i fell asleep in the front row. i jolted up for the last 15 minutes of class and my friend who sits next to me was laughing. i inquired as to why, to which she replied that the professor asked 'who here has ever been to a carnival?' and i, asleep, raised my hand. i was the only one in the whole class.
the horror!
Happy November Everyone!!
the horror!
Happy November Everyone!!
Sunday, October 30, 2011
winning blackjack
i got to 21. i survived the weekend after i turned 21 too, which is really saying something. my birthday was amazing, i had a great time out at the bars with friends, and even in the last couple hours i learned a lot about the people who actually care about me (special love goes out to sarah, shaina, dhanze and my dad, and sarah's mom too while I'm at it). I'm fine, I survived and learned a couple valuable life lessons that I've learned before, but I guess it was nice to get a little refresher.
Friday night I went out with Jerry, which was a great time. We went to the Willy Street bars, they were interesting and it was fun just to spend some one-on-one time with him. I love people watching in bars, I think that's the new gold that comes with this whole, old enough to drink business. Just watching the ridiculousness unfold.
Last night, I had a gathering here until midnight at which time we took Janet out for her inaugural birthday drink at Wando's. I hate Wando's. Honestly, it's like 3 floors of douchebaggery and overpriced drinks. (also, like the badass that I am, I got kicked out of there on Thursday night, so that was cool). It's nice that Janet is 21+ now, so we will have a groovy time learning about all the local bars and finding our favorites. So far, I'm digging the Blue Velvet as my first choice and coming in at a close second is Paul's. (There's a tree in there!)
One thing that really did get to me this weekend, however, was the very inappropriate behavior of one of my friends. I think friends should be loyal, considerate, should watch out for you, be concerned and careful.
what an asshole. (to be said in Woody Allen's tone in Annie Hall)
Basically, what this leads to is: I need to be alone. I need to recluse like my usual self and slip back into the lifestyle I like best. I'm excited to move home because it will be easier for me to make the transition. In addition, Sarah's leaving so that will make things easier too. I miss her so much already and smeared my mime makeup when I cried after I realized she was leaving today. Some people are just people that click and stick. She's one.
Friday night I went out with Jerry, which was a great time. We went to the Willy Street bars, they were interesting and it was fun just to spend some one-on-one time with him. I love people watching in bars, I think that's the new gold that comes with this whole, old enough to drink business. Just watching the ridiculousness unfold.
Last night, I had a gathering here until midnight at which time we took Janet out for her inaugural birthday drink at Wando's. I hate Wando's. Honestly, it's like 3 floors of douchebaggery and overpriced drinks. (also, like the badass that I am, I got kicked out of there on Thursday night, so that was cool). It's nice that Janet is 21+ now, so we will have a groovy time learning about all the local bars and finding our favorites. So far, I'm digging the Blue Velvet as my first choice and coming in at a close second is Paul's. (There's a tree in there!)
One thing that really did get to me this weekend, however, was the very inappropriate behavior of one of my friends. I think friends should be loyal, considerate, should watch out for you, be concerned and careful.
what an asshole. (to be said in Woody Allen's tone in Annie Hall)
Basically, what this leads to is: I need to be alone. I need to recluse like my usual self and slip back into the lifestyle I like best. I'm excited to move home because it will be easier for me to make the transition. In addition, Sarah's leaving so that will make things easier too. I miss her so much already and smeared my mime makeup when I cried after I realized she was leaving today. Some people are just people that click and stick. She's one.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
the time in your life where you learn (?)
so, i realize/think about often that college is this pretentious limbo where students learn things that will 'help them pursue later careers' etc. but really, all's we learn are these really heady conceptual lessons that are applicable in thought only. or at least, that's the lion share of what we learn. like, for instance, tragedy of the commons. interesting to learn about, staple of many classes, completely useless except as a thought exercise. or organic chemistry. or a cursory look at physiology. anyone who's going to actually need to know any of those concepts will be reintroduced (time and time again) to the salient concepts. or statistics: great for interpreting things you'll see later in schooling, useless except for what you actually need to know and will doubtlessly be introduced to again in your post-graduate school career.
there are those useful subjects that will be the only time you'll learn something and will use it over and over again...but i think that's probably isolated and maybe only in one lecture of a whole semester of heady talking.
(okay, i do have to amend this to reflect something i learned in my nursing class that was actually super informative and useful: how to read my insurance policy and know what is and isn't covered...one of the most useful, applicable things i think i've ever learned in school)
seriously, how many people actually do what they learn how to do in undergrad as a career? i mean, nursing, sure, i mean is technically an undergrad degree, but i'll (re)learn everything i actually need to apply later in my schooling when i'm actually in the nursing school.
whatever. maybe college is that time when you're supposed to learn how to write. i certainly haven't learned that yet. or how to juggle social and professional life. on the whole, i'd say college is way more about out of classroom experience than in. but i think the issue with that, going backwards, is that you really have to sculpt and create the lessons outside the classroom; explore the world around you more than just going to class, and that's all in your hands...no one tells you how or why or what you should be doing.
which is why i'm seriously considering being a flight attendant. i'd use my german degree and could put my nursing degree on hold...lufthansa is hiring...
if i don't get into nursing school (totally plausible).
there are those useful subjects that will be the only time you'll learn something and will use it over and over again...but i think that's probably isolated and maybe only in one lecture of a whole semester of heady talking.
(okay, i do have to amend this to reflect something i learned in my nursing class that was actually super informative and useful: how to read my insurance policy and know what is and isn't covered...one of the most useful, applicable things i think i've ever learned in school)
seriously, how many people actually do what they learn how to do in undergrad as a career? i mean, nursing, sure, i mean is technically an undergrad degree, but i'll (re)learn everything i actually need to apply later in my schooling when i'm actually in the nursing school.
whatever. maybe college is that time when you're supposed to learn how to write. i certainly haven't learned that yet. or how to juggle social and professional life. on the whole, i'd say college is way more about out of classroom experience than in. but i think the issue with that, going backwards, is that you really have to sculpt and create the lessons outside the classroom; explore the world around you more than just going to class, and that's all in your hands...no one tells you how or why or what you should be doing.
which is why i'm seriously considering being a flight attendant. i'd use my german degree and could put my nursing degree on hold...lufthansa is hiring...
if i don't get into nursing school (totally plausible).
Saturday, October 15, 2011
portrait of a good mood
Things you probably shouldn't have done when you were young:
excuse the double negatives.
List terminus.
So it's October, and it's fantastic, as always. I feel like my bad mood frequency dips really low through the whole month...I'm not actually this jolly. School work is piling up, but fun is too! (Cliche ftw!) I want to get to a pumpkin patch and a corn maze...hopefully next weekend after I work at Woodman's. Also, for some reason, I'm just pleased without being overly analytical. A first in a long time. Seriously and repeated for the umteenth time, life is so much better when enjoyed without worrying so damn much.
Sarah's home!! I saw her and Indica today on my lunch break. I was so happy it was almost embarrassing. I kept telling my bagger that Sarah was coming and she was almost as excited as I was by the time she got there. It was really nice seeing her, but kind of hard realizing that she had other people to see and places to go than just spending every waking moment with me. We just sat in her car with her puppy. I gotta start carrying my actual camera around again, and not just my phone. But these pictures will do for a start.
Other things that have been happening in the realm of becca...my birthday! I'm not usually this excited (lies) but Jason the Seattlian is coming, too! There will be alcohol! I will be legally able to drink! Enough. Jolliness is just happening right now thinking about it (not the drinking, really, just all the excitement that comes with a birthday). My grandma is taking me out for a lunch drink, so I'm also looking forward to that because we've been talking about it for a good 11 years, it's about time.
Finally finished all the Harry Potter books and watched a couple of the movies. I now remember why I didn't want to watch the movies in the first place; they completely edit your memory of the book and the characters, they alter your perception of how the they conduct themselves and what the setting looks like. I prefer my imagination (but I do enjoy watching Tom Felton and that Rupert Grint guy). I feel like the movies especially ruined the idea of a patronus for me, I have such a clear image of what they're supposed to look like, but it has been getting marred every second since I set my eyes on the director's version of them. I hate that. That's why I never saw the Time Traveler's Wife, and never will.
Alright, time to close this thing up. Hope everyone's weekend is going well, enjoy Sunday (in truth, no one ever does. Sundays are far worse than Mondays because of the whole sense of foreboding thing. Fuck Sundays.)
excuse the double negatives.
- made out through that concert
- not listened to more genres of music
- slept in your contacts
- not "gone for it"
- flirted too lightly
- stayed in and wrote that paper
- stressed out so much
- looked forward to being older
- focused on self-conciousness
- cared what other people thought
- second guessed yourself
- worked so much
- spent all your money on restaurants
- worn your glasses so much
- thought about your ex-s.o.
- wasted the day inside
- told off your parents
List terminus.
So it's October, and it's fantastic, as always. I feel like my bad mood frequency dips really low through the whole month...I'm not actually this jolly. School work is piling up, but fun is too! (Cliche ftw!) I want to get to a pumpkin patch and a corn maze...hopefully next weekend after I work at Woodman's. Also, for some reason, I'm just pleased without being overly analytical. A first in a long time. Seriously and repeated for the umteenth time, life is so much better when enjoyed without worrying so damn much.
Sarah's home!! I saw her and Indica today on my lunch break. I was so happy it was almost embarrassing. I kept telling my bagger that Sarah was coming and she was almost as excited as I was by the time she got there. It was really nice seeing her, but kind of hard realizing that she had other people to see and places to go than just spending every waking moment with me. We just sat in her car with her puppy. I gotta start carrying my actual camera around again, and not just my phone. But these pictures will do for a start.
Finally finished all the Harry Potter books and watched a couple of the movies. I now remember why I didn't want to watch the movies in the first place; they completely edit your memory of the book and the characters, they alter your perception of how the they conduct themselves and what the setting looks like. I prefer my imagination (but I do enjoy watching Tom Felton and that Rupert Grint guy). I feel like the movies especially ruined the idea of a patronus for me, I have such a clear image of what they're supposed to look like, but it has been getting marred every second since I set my eyes on the director's version of them. I hate that. That's why I never saw the Time Traveler's Wife, and never will. Alright, time to close this thing up. Hope everyone's weekend is going well, enjoy Sunday (in truth, no one ever does. Sundays are far worse than Mondays because of the whole sense of foreboding thing. Fuck Sundays.)
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
sub-let me go
Today a potential subletter looked at our apartment...not only did my self-deprecating alter ego rear her ugly head, but I realized how much I'm going to miss this place.
This has been my first solo-home. I mean, from when I was two years old until I moved into this apartment I always had two "homes," but when I moved in here, I honestly just had ONE home. One place where all my stuff was. That's sad. Germany is just temporary so it will be another almost year before I have my own home again.
Anyway, the guy was pretty chill. He was older than us, but really buff and apparently gets up every morning at 5:30 to go to the gym, and goes to work way out by the interstate. I hope he sublets it, I'm beginning to worry that the un-sublet-able-ness of my apartment will prevent me from going to Germany. We can't have that, can we?
The change in the wind has me worried. Today I'm fairly sure the sun didn't even peek out a little, and it's so gloomy outside. Hope it looks up.
This has been my first solo-home. I mean, from when I was two years old until I moved into this apartment I always had two "homes," but when I moved in here, I honestly just had ONE home. One place where all my stuff was. That's sad. Germany is just temporary so it will be another almost year before I have my own home again.
Anyway, the guy was pretty chill. He was older than us, but really buff and apparently gets up every morning at 5:30 to go to the gym, and goes to work way out by the interstate. I hope he sublets it, I'm beginning to worry that the un-sublet-able-ness of my apartment will prevent me from going to Germany. We can't have that, can we?
The change in the wind has me worried. Today I'm fairly sure the sun didn't even peek out a little, and it's so gloomy outside. Hope it looks up.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
rose colored glasses
It's not that we always see something from old times and think that it was positively the best time of our life, but it always seems as though whatever happened in the past, looking back on it now, seemed much more romantic/significant/devastating than it was in the present. In the now, we're all filled with doubt and worry and other emotions that just won't be stifled by the moment. Looking back on them, they always feel different and more severe. Is it that we have a clearer head with which to think through these social exchanges or adventures or other memorable memories (redundancy or pun? you be the judge)? Is it that our heads are filled with other and more/less pertinent information than they were at the moment we're reliving? Are our brains just not that great at remembering and therefore fill in those not so pleasant memory bricks with a mortar of projection?
The strange thing for me is, yes, I've always heard about romanticizing the past, and of course I fall victim to that (okay, let's be honest, that first kiss wasn't so great, but now looking back on it it was incredible) but I also fall victim more often to creating the past in my head a great deal worse than it really was. Like, wow, that person probably thinks I'm ridiculous and ditzy now that I made that one comment, when honestly the other person in question probably didn't even notice what you were babbling on about in the first place. Or maybe that's just me being ridiculous.
And then there's the girl thing. The I'm-going-to-pick-apart-every-action-and-reaction-and-determine-what-it-really-means trap that when you fall into it, it's so hard to pry yourself away from that irrational mindset that it's almost painful. But honestly those little interchanges have such little significance it's inconceivable and by analyzing it like that you're (I'm) doing more harm than good. Actually, I'm doing no good whatsoever, but yet, I do it. And so do 75% of girls. Or at least, that's my ballpark estimation, I guess it's probably fairly inaccurate, but we'll go with it.
Anyway, October is still amazing. There's something heartwarming and warm in general about October. Warmer than September. I just want to bask in the last shreds of warmth and forgo the stress of my life before the sun all but disappears from my life for 8 months and I'm forced to come to terms with reality.
Well that was pretentious as all fuck.
The strange thing for me is, yes, I've always heard about romanticizing the past, and of course I fall victim to that (okay, let's be honest, that first kiss wasn't so great, but now looking back on it it was incredible) but I also fall victim more often to creating the past in my head a great deal worse than it really was. Like, wow, that person probably thinks I'm ridiculous and ditzy now that I made that one comment, when honestly the other person in question probably didn't even notice what you were babbling on about in the first place. Or maybe that's just me being ridiculous.
And then there's the girl thing. The I'm-going-to-pick-apart-every-action-and-reaction-and-determine-what-it-really-means trap that when you fall into it, it's so hard to pry yourself away from that irrational mindset that it's almost painful. But honestly those little interchanges have such little significance it's inconceivable and by analyzing it like that you're (I'm) doing more harm than good. Actually, I'm doing no good whatsoever, but yet, I do it. And so do 75% of girls. Or at least, that's my ballpark estimation, I guess it's probably fairly inaccurate, but we'll go with it.
Anyway, October is still amazing. There's something heartwarming and warm in general about October. Warmer than September. I just want to bask in the last shreds of warmth and forgo the stress of my life before the sun all but disappears from my life for 8 months and I'm forced to come to terms with reality.
Well that was pretentious as all fuck.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
focus pocus
I have no focus. I have so many tests to study for and freak out about I'm going to lose my mind...but, alas, I do not think of these things. Those damn consequences are heavily outweighed by the time I am spending NOT doing my schoolwork.
Also, I totally overestimate my abilities and underestimate the amount of coursework I have, so that helps things.
Lots of drama in my life lately ("lots" being a relative term meaning a little more than none) so that's been entertaining. It's nice to get out and do social stuff, even if it means waking up and going to class with a hangover once (maybe twice, I will be enjoying my first legal drink in less than one month). Experiences that will never be socially acceptable again at any other point in my life: that.
Also, today's the first day of my favorite month! Let the good times (and the pumpkins) roll.
Also, I totally overestimate my abilities and underestimate the amount of coursework I have, so that helps things.
Lots of drama in my life lately ("lots" being a relative term meaning a little more than none) so that's been entertaining. It's nice to get out and do social stuff, even if it means waking up and going to class with a hangover once (maybe twice, I will be enjoying my first legal drink in less than one month). Experiences that will never be socially acceptable again at any other point in my life: that.
Also, today's the first day of my favorite month! Let the good times (and the pumpkins) roll.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Positives and Negatives
Today, as I was walking home down blustery University Avenue, I decidedly changed the way I was thinking. Usually, I look at people walking down the street with a critical eye. "Oh, that dress is heinous! Her haircut sucks. I wish my butt looked like that." Today, I just changed it. Like, flipped the "if you don't have anything nice to think, don't think anything at all" switch and it worked. I honestly feel better about life already.
This has been an ongoing process to eliminate negativity in my life. Minimize the negative vibes I give off, the little jokes that probably hurt someone sometimes. Minimize the negative thoughts I aim at those around me. Minimize the gossip and the envy. I really want to bring good things into my life, positive thoughts, reactions and interactions that will lighten my thought load, and hopefully make others around me feel better too.
As winter encroaches, I want to soak up every last ray of sunshine. Not just the literal yellow orb that is beaming harmful UV rays onto my arms, but the sunshine of people that seems to just fade away when the temperature drops and the snow falls. People get stressed out, meaner, more unwilling to listen. Less open to new experiences. More cold. I just want it to last...oh, please just last.
This has been an ongoing process to eliminate negativity in my life. Minimize the negative vibes I give off, the little jokes that probably hurt someone sometimes. Minimize the negative thoughts I aim at those around me. Minimize the gossip and the envy. I really want to bring good things into my life, positive thoughts, reactions and interactions that will lighten my thought load, and hopefully make others around me feel better too.
As winter encroaches, I want to soak up every last ray of sunshine. Not just the literal yellow orb that is beaming harmful UV rays onto my arms, but the sunshine of people that seems to just fade away when the temperature drops and the snow falls. People get stressed out, meaner, more unwilling to listen. Less open to new experiences. More cold. I just want it to last...oh, please just last.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Today
Today was a great day! I wish all days could be like this one...or, at least on par with this one. And I even got to eat Brie!
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
The Beginning of the Best Season
I didn't post on this the whole time I was in Israel...no internet unless I was using my smart phone, which was not conducive to blogging.
The trip was fantastic, I made some good friends and worked really hard to not isolate myself. What made the trip interesting was that it was a good social experience for me, beyond being a spiritual or exploratory trip. Broadening the social horizons is always something I need to work on. As far as exploring Israel, I saw a little bit of everything, from the northernmost part near Jordan (the Golan, absolutely beautiful) to the very southernmost tip near Egypt in the Red Sea (snorkeling was fantastic!). I hiked Masada, a random mountain in the middle of nowhere, also in the Negev, and in Golan. I felt so active! I stayed the most time in Jerusalem, the holiest of cities. I would have preferred to have a more introspective trip, but the company was nice and now I know what to do the next time I go. Wandering the streets of the old city was probably one of my favorite parts of the whole experience, it feels like a time warp. Seeing all the people who have so much trust in Hashem in one place gives me more hope than having faith in him myself. I stayed in Haifa with Carmel, an Israeli friend who was on our trip. She's in the IDF, but she's on an education mission so she doesn't do any combat or have an AK47 hanging around or anything. It was a good experience and her mom was a great cook! Unfortunately, the last week of my travels I got really sick and didn't enjoy the experience as much as I probably could have...
I'll digress here into my most striking memories and acknowledgments about seeing Israel. First, it is so incredible how interwoven the Israeli life is with warfare, terrorism and security. It is just an every day occurrence when missiles are fired into Israel, when buses are bombed and when people the same age as myself die in combat for their country. In the US, sure, people die for a cause their country is fighting for, but they do NOT die for their country. No one attacks the United States day in and day out. We don't have to quite literally fight to exist. It astounds me how much these soldiers have to fight for. There is no cause that all of my peers are willing to die for. There is no cause that is worth so much to us. I was completely moved walking through the cemetery in Jerusalem and seeing the names and ages of all the soldiers who had died for Israel. They were all my age, not a soul there over 50, most being between 19 and 25.
Fighting to exist is no new concept for Israelis. (Prepare for a marginally organized poorly worded diatribe about Middle East politics). The day after Israel became a state, war was declared on them and it has been going on ever since. Palestinians use terrorist tactics to bomb Israel, and yet Israel is constantly portrayed as a bully in our media. Is it because the Palestinians are the underdogs? Is it because Israel violates human rights codes (do they really though?) Honestly one of the most interesting things I learned was the nature of the IDF, Israel's "army." It's a defense force. They never are on the offense! Sure, they take out terrorists and innocent Palestinian lives are lost, but the Palestinians live under a terrorist regime that uses tactics which force citizens to harbor terrorists that fire missiles into Israel, a nasty tactic that forces Israel to target citizens and look like the bad guys.
I feel for those innocent Palestinians, but at the same time, no matter how many "peace treaties" or land accords are granted, they continue to attack the Jewish state that was awarded after Holocaust to the millions of Jews with nowhere to go. And I understand that the Palestinans lived in many areas of Israel before the British gave the territory away, and I whole heartedly believe they should have a state of their own as well. But not at the heavy cost of Israel. Let's move on.
Returning at 3:00 am on Monday night (Tuesday morning?) and allowing myself an astounding 2 hours of sleep, I began classes yesterday. They're all great, especially African American Music. It is quite possibly the best class I will ever take. I worry though because I am taking a really low credit load and I see myself falling into the 'oh this shit is easy' trap. I have yet to attend an Anatomy lecture; today I felt like death so opted to sleep instead and on Friday I was still in Israel. So there's some catching up to be done. I looked over the lecture though and all it really is is learning the real word for all those body parts I already know the name for (e.g. my pigeon chest is actually my epigastric area and my right and left hypochondriac areas, my leg is actually my crural region, the back of my leg is my sural region and my thumb is a pollex).
I couldn't complete this post without a nod in the direction of my new friend the Neti Pot. Sinus infection, prepare to be dominated! Seriously though, have you not tried a Neti Pot, now is the time. Now is the time.
The trip was fantastic, I made some good friends and worked really hard to not isolate myself. What made the trip interesting was that it was a good social experience for me, beyond being a spiritual or exploratory trip. Broadening the social horizons is always something I need to work on. As far as exploring Israel, I saw a little bit of everything, from the northernmost part near Jordan (the Golan, absolutely beautiful) to the very southernmost tip near Egypt in the Red Sea (snorkeling was fantastic!). I hiked Masada, a random mountain in the middle of nowhere, also in the Negev, and in Golan. I felt so active! I stayed the most time in Jerusalem, the holiest of cities. I would have preferred to have a more introspective trip, but the company was nice and now I know what to do the next time I go. Wandering the streets of the old city was probably one of my favorite parts of the whole experience, it feels like a time warp. Seeing all the people who have so much trust in Hashem in one place gives me more hope than having faith in him myself. I stayed in Haifa with Carmel, an Israeli friend who was on our trip. She's in the IDF, but she's on an education mission so she doesn't do any combat or have an AK47 hanging around or anything. It was a good experience and her mom was a great cook! Unfortunately, the last week of my travels I got really sick and didn't enjoy the experience as much as I probably could have...
I'll digress here into my most striking memories and acknowledgments about seeing Israel. First, it is so incredible how interwoven the Israeli life is with warfare, terrorism and security. It is just an every day occurrence when missiles are fired into Israel, when buses are bombed and when people the same age as myself die in combat for their country. In the US, sure, people die for a cause their country is fighting for, but they do NOT die for their country. No one attacks the United States day in and day out. We don't have to quite literally fight to exist. It astounds me how much these soldiers have to fight for. There is no cause that all of my peers are willing to die for. There is no cause that is worth so much to us. I was completely moved walking through the cemetery in Jerusalem and seeing the names and ages of all the soldiers who had died for Israel. They were all my age, not a soul there over 50, most being between 19 and 25.
Fighting to exist is no new concept for Israelis. (Prepare for a marginally organized poorly worded diatribe about Middle East politics). The day after Israel became a state, war was declared on them and it has been going on ever since. Palestinians use terrorist tactics to bomb Israel, and yet Israel is constantly portrayed as a bully in our media. Is it because the Palestinians are the underdogs? Is it because Israel violates human rights codes (do they really though?) Honestly one of the most interesting things I learned was the nature of the IDF, Israel's "army." It's a defense force. They never are on the offense! Sure, they take out terrorists and innocent Palestinian lives are lost, but the Palestinians live under a terrorist regime that uses tactics which force citizens to harbor terrorists that fire missiles into Israel, a nasty tactic that forces Israel to target citizens and look like the bad guys.
I feel for those innocent Palestinians, but at the same time, no matter how many "peace treaties" or land accords are granted, they continue to attack the Jewish state that was awarded after Holocaust to the millions of Jews with nowhere to go. And I understand that the Palestinans lived in many areas of Israel before the British gave the territory away, and I whole heartedly believe they should have a state of their own as well. But not at the heavy cost of Israel. Let's move on.
Returning at 3:00 am on Monday night (Tuesday morning?) and allowing myself an astounding 2 hours of sleep, I began classes yesterday. They're all great, especially African American Music. It is quite possibly the best class I will ever take. I worry though because I am taking a really low credit load and I see myself falling into the 'oh this shit is easy' trap. I have yet to attend an Anatomy lecture; today I felt like death so opted to sleep instead and on Friday I was still in Israel. So there's some catching up to be done. I looked over the lecture though and all it really is is learning the real word for all those body parts I already know the name for (e.g. my pigeon chest is actually my epigastric area and my right and left hypochondriac areas, my leg is actually my crural region, the back of my leg is my sural region and my thumb is a pollex).
I couldn't complete this post without a nod in the direction of my new friend the Neti Pot. Sinus infection, prepare to be dominated! Seriously though, have you not tried a Neti Pot, now is the time. Now is the time.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Monday, August 1, 2011
the importance of timing
when everyone was reading Harry Potter in high school, I was getting some.
now, when I'm reading Harry Potter, everyone else is.
I think I'd rather have it the other way around.
now, when I'm reading Harry Potter, everyone else is.
I think I'd rather have it the other way around.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
you know you work at woodman's too much when...
I've been wanting to make a list of things I think about while I'm working at Woodman's, so here it goes.
First and foremost, I'd like to introduce the joke I made up today:
How did the generic butter feel as it sat near the brand name butter?
Margarine-alized
So that was big.
I spend a lot of my time (the majority, maybe?) trying to figure out which type of person each customer is: paper, plastic or reusable? Cash, check, food stamps?
I guess second most frequent thought is "oh, that looks good. i gotta get that after work."
I'll continue in list form:
-How long will this hell last? (___hours and ___minutes)
-When is my next break?
-Is that guy single?
note: I spend an unhealthy amount of time staring at wedding rings.
-I will probably never have the luxury of shopping for my own family.
note: thoughts become more deeply depressing the longer I stand there
-What do I have to do tonight?
-Please, please let this soda be diet (only applicable for extremely obese customers)
-How many people is this person shopping for?
-I wonder how many degrees of separation I am from this person?
-What else happened to these people today?
-Please say I can go back to grocery and stock shelves now.
-This pinny is really unflattering. And it's hot in here, too.
The whole time I'm there I basically have an inner monologue a la JD from Scrubs. It's constant, sometimes I digress into song in my head which becomes problematic because I start to forget stuff and become really spacey.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
TOEFL ist der Teufel
That means TOEFL is the devil in German, I thought it was clever.
I registered Amina for the exam this morning ($165 from the US), finally, after a bunch of stressing out about it because the passwords were wrong and I locked myself out of the system and the automated phone operators were so crazily condescending. I feel bad for people who aren't born speaking English, the world is so tilted against them in every way I can think of. If you want any upward mobility in these developing countries, I feel as though you have to be dealt the right hand and go to a school where teaching English was a priority. I suppose that having an 'international language' so to speak is a positive overall, but I can't help but feel awful for those disadvantaged millions (billions?) who just don't have that chance. There are so many bright young people who just never have a chance to express themselves or their worldview, and we never think of it. Just never ever think of it. Well at least I don't really, call me ignorant.
You know, I know I'm not really one of those people who are all "be so gracious that you have running water" and "you live such a privileged life," but sometimes, and especially since I returned from Africa, I've just been happy. Happy that I was dealt this particular hand of cards, born into a first world country, arguably the country to make your future into what you desire, and into not only this country but this state, and to these parents, and ended up having this life.
So, after all that preachy crap I will continue to say that just because we lead privileged lives doesn't mean that problems aren't problems. Our lives (well, I can't really speak for all of you, so my life, then) are so complicated and stressful it's really hard not to get down sometimes and troubled and all that. Depressed and anxious. I feel that way often, especially with all this bad luck business in my family. But lately and I hope for the rest of my life, I really have been making a stronger effort to put all that shit to the side.
There are so many worse fates than being lonely on a Friday night because all your friends have significant others.
And that's that.
I registered Amina for the exam this morning ($165 from the US), finally, after a bunch of stressing out about it because the passwords were wrong and I locked myself out of the system and the automated phone operators were so crazily condescending. I feel bad for people who aren't born speaking English, the world is so tilted against them in every way I can think of. If you want any upward mobility in these developing countries, I feel as though you have to be dealt the right hand and go to a school where teaching English was a priority. I suppose that having an 'international language' so to speak is a positive overall, but I can't help but feel awful for those disadvantaged millions (billions?) who just don't have that chance. There are so many bright young people who just never have a chance to express themselves or their worldview, and we never think of it. Just never ever think of it. Well at least I don't really, call me ignorant.
You know, I know I'm not really one of those people who are all "be so gracious that you have running water" and "you live such a privileged life," but sometimes, and especially since I returned from Africa, I've just been happy. Happy that I was dealt this particular hand of cards, born into a first world country, arguably the country to make your future into what you desire, and into not only this country but this state, and to these parents, and ended up having this life.
So, after all that preachy crap I will continue to say that just because we lead privileged lives doesn't mean that problems aren't problems. Our lives (well, I can't really speak for all of you, so my life, then) are so complicated and stressful it's really hard not to get down sometimes and troubled and all that. Depressed and anxious. I feel that way often, especially with all this bad luck business in my family. But lately and I hope for the rest of my life, I really have been making a stronger effort to put all that shit to the side.
There are so many worse fates than being lonely on a Friday night because all your friends have significant others.
And that's that.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
a walk on the spiritual side
I found out I'm going to Israel on the 17th of August. Yes, that's right, 4 continents in 8 months.
I have always really wanted to go to Israel because I feel like it will clarify so much for me. Spiritually, I mean. I always knew that I wanted to go and that it meant something significant to me, but today when I was reading the itinerary I was literally overcome by tears. Tears of relief and happiness and excitement and graciousness for someone believing in me enough to give me this life changing experience. Literally giving it to me. I'm going to Israel for free.
From people I know who have either lived in Israel or been there on there on birthright, I have heard that birthright people don't have the best reputation there. I think many people just use the trip as a vacation or to let loose or something. I feel like it's so different for me (if that is why a lot of people go); I'm taking this trip primarily for a very spiritual reason, I feel like it's something that I desperately need to do. I'm kind of intimidated by the brainwashy type programming, but at the same time I feel like I need to learn something. I need to be moved.
The group I'm going with is apparently from Boston, so that should be kind of interesting. I'm not exactly sure how I ended up in a group with these people, but maybe I'll have some random east coast connections by the end of all this. That would be a huge bonus to this whole endeavor.
For those of you interested in the Maxwell Street Days saga, it was kind of a bust today. The line at Urban Outfitters was pretty insane, so I didn't even stop by there. The other shops on State St. seem to be overruled by hippies or Indian sub-continent region shopkeepers who overcharge for really ugly clothing. I did end up picking up Season 2 of Mad Men (HELL YES) and The Social Network at the video store, buy one get one free. I was marginally bummed that someone had snatched up the other seasons before I got to the stand, and am still wondering why it was the second season that was left. What was wrong with Season 2??
I have always really wanted to go to Israel because I feel like it will clarify so much for me. Spiritually, I mean. I always knew that I wanted to go and that it meant something significant to me, but today when I was reading the itinerary I was literally overcome by tears. Tears of relief and happiness and excitement and graciousness for someone believing in me enough to give me this life changing experience. Literally giving it to me. I'm going to Israel for free.
From people I know who have either lived in Israel or been there on there on birthright, I have heard that birthright people don't have the best reputation there. I think many people just use the trip as a vacation or to let loose or something. I feel like it's so different for me (if that is why a lot of people go); I'm taking this trip primarily for a very spiritual reason, I feel like it's something that I desperately need to do. I'm kind of intimidated by the brainwashy type programming, but at the same time I feel like I need to learn something. I need to be moved.
The group I'm going with is apparently from Boston, so that should be kind of interesting. I'm not exactly sure how I ended up in a group with these people, but maybe I'll have some random east coast connections by the end of all this. That would be a huge bonus to this whole endeavor.
For those of you interested in the Maxwell Street Days saga, it was kind of a bust today. The line at Urban Outfitters was pretty insane, so I didn't even stop by there. The other shops on State St. seem to be overruled by hippies or Indian sub-continent region shopkeepers who overcharge for really ugly clothing. I did end up picking up Season 2 of Mad Men (HELL YES) and The Social Network at the video store, buy one get one free. I was marginally bummed that someone had snatched up the other seasons before I got to the stand, and am still wondering why it was the second season that was left. What was wrong with Season 2??
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Franz, Pineapple Upsidedown Cake, and Maxwell Street Days
After a scary weekend and a hectic week, I'm looking forward to this weekend. Well, at least Friday night after Woodman's through Sunday afternoon. Working on Friday nights at Woodman's is always a little depressing, but hopefully it won't be too awful because I think I'm scheduled to stock, so that won't be too bad.
Tomorrow is Maxwell Street Days, I'm pretty excited because I feel like I need new clothes, or at least to change out the clothes I have now. I just feel like I'm ready for a change, a big change. It's weird to me because I feel like I've really started looking on the positive ends of things and thinking more positively about myself and my world, which is huge for me. I think I've really always been one of those Debbie Downers, and what's helped me is just this newly found knowing-what-kinds-of-things-inspire-negativity-in-me acumen. I like avoiding them. It's healthier for me in the long run and the distance is doing me good.
Although...I must admit I do miss humans. It's gotten kind of lonely these past couple days, hopefully the weekend will clear that up. My mom and I have gotten pretty close though, so that's interesting. I actually answer like 4 of her texts a day now. We baked a couple pineapple upside down cakes yesterday, well, she baked them really, let's be honest. And then she sent an ENTIRE cake home with me to my apartment. It magically disappeared within like 18 hours. (jason?)
And, summer class started. It's nice because I feel like my life has this weird, easy purpose from 1-3:30 Mondays through Thursdays. It's nice although the lecture is exceedingly boring and I really don't need that class to fulfill any requirements. Whatever. Something to do.
For the fall, I've already started reading the books for my German lit class, (Kafka). I'm about 1/4 of the way through The Trial and it's so bizarre. It's like...1984 mixed with The Metamorphosis. Kafka is strange, for instead of thinking that I want to kill myself because life is pointless, all I can think is, why the hell was this guy thinking this? what is the point of this thought pattern about futility? I think that reasoning may get me in trouble come fall but I guess we'll see.
The weather here has been absolutely amazing. (Just to throw a completely random curve ball out there to y'all). The sky, always cut off by silhouettes of buildings, has had some really amazing clouds and colors, especially at sunset. Hopefully if I go to Devil's Lake this weekend I'll be able to see the stars!! I'm scared for the weekend though, supposed to be a heat wave (heat wave, heat wave). Actually it'll probably be more like a humidity wave. Wait a tick...that'd just be a regular wave, right?
Tomorrow is Maxwell Street Days, I'm pretty excited because I feel like I need new clothes, or at least to change out the clothes I have now. I just feel like I'm ready for a change, a big change. It's weird to me because I feel like I've really started looking on the positive ends of things and thinking more positively about myself and my world, which is huge for me. I think I've really always been one of those Debbie Downers, and what's helped me is just this newly found knowing-what-kinds-of-things-inspire-negativity-in-me acumen. I like avoiding them. It's healthier for me in the long run and the distance is doing me good.
Although...I must admit I do miss humans. It's gotten kind of lonely these past couple days, hopefully the weekend will clear that up. My mom and I have gotten pretty close though, so that's interesting. I actually answer like 4 of her texts a day now. We baked a couple pineapple upside down cakes yesterday, well, she baked them really, let's be honest. And then she sent an ENTIRE cake home with me to my apartment. It magically disappeared within like 18 hours. (jason?)
And, summer class started. It's nice because I feel like my life has this weird, easy purpose from 1-3:30 Mondays through Thursdays. It's nice although the lecture is exceedingly boring and I really don't need that class to fulfill any requirements. Whatever. Something to do.
For the fall, I've already started reading the books for my German lit class, (Kafka). I'm about 1/4 of the way through The Trial and it's so bizarre. It's like...1984 mixed with The Metamorphosis. Kafka is strange, for instead of thinking that I want to kill myself because life is pointless, all I can think is, why the hell was this guy thinking this? what is the point of this thought pattern about futility? I think that reasoning may get me in trouble come fall but I guess we'll see.
The weather here has been absolutely amazing. (Just to throw a completely random curve ball out there to y'all). The sky, always cut off by silhouettes of buildings, has had some really amazing clouds and colors, especially at sunset. Hopefully if I go to Devil's Lake this weekend I'll be able to see the stars!! I'm scared for the weekend though, supposed to be a heat wave (heat wave, heat wave). Actually it'll probably be more like a humidity wave. Wait a tick...that'd just be a regular wave, right?
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Friday, July 8, 2011
strength
when i can't be strong and responsible anymore, who will be? who will tell my parents and my family that things will be okay? who will tell me that things will be okay? how will i keep myself occupied and feeling like i'm worth something to someone (even if that someone is me)? who will clean up little messes silently?
i feel like i've been through so many of these bad-news type situations, i just brace myself for bad news every time i talk to someone. i think it's some sort of defense mechanism that started when i was very young when my mother would regularly have to go into the hospital. i remember always thinking, 'please let it not be her, please let it not be her.' and for the past few years, i've been blessed with having to worry about her very little, she's been stable and save for the occasional slip-up pretty with-it. i still have that though, every time the phone rings and it's a family member or a random number all i think is, 'please let it not be her.' and lately i've extended the 'her' to every other person out there that i love because it seems like everywhere i look something is going wrong with my family and loved ones.
there have been few times in my life where the bad news was really, really bad. like, the person i love might not survive bad. but that news is the hardest, the kind of news where you have to prevent yourself from falling down by locking your knees with every muscle in your body. the kind of news where tears just start streaming and you can't do anything about it. the sinking feeling you get when someone says, "Now Rebecca, don't freak out but..."
i feel like i've been through so many of these bad-news type situations, i just brace myself for bad news every time i talk to someone. i think it's some sort of defense mechanism that started when i was very young when my mother would regularly have to go into the hospital. i remember always thinking, 'please let it not be her, please let it not be her.' and for the past few years, i've been blessed with having to worry about her very little, she's been stable and save for the occasional slip-up pretty with-it. i still have that though, every time the phone rings and it's a family member or a random number all i think is, 'please let it not be her.' and lately i've extended the 'her' to every other person out there that i love because it seems like everywhere i look something is going wrong with my family and loved ones.
there have been few times in my life where the bad news was really, really bad. like, the person i love might not survive bad. but that news is the hardest, the kind of news where you have to prevent yourself from falling down by locking your knees with every muscle in your body. the kind of news where tears just start streaming and you can't do anything about it. the sinking feeling you get when someone says, "Now Rebecca, don't freak out but..."
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Yesterday was the fourth of July...it was a nice day. I made Parmesan chicken on the grill which turned out pretty well. Also I threw a frisbee that landed in almost the right place.
I've had a rough couple days. I had a really bad experience on Sunday with that CNA job that I was just so happy to land. So excited to help someone and actually make a difference other than taking people's money in exchange for their groceries or making quasi-acceptable petri dishes for a laboratory where I understand very little of the science. But, as my life would go, it quickly turned into a nightmare. I felt shamed and humiliated, horrified and guilty. No one should make me feel that way. The worst of it is that I just can't manage to clear my head of the whole experience. I find myself hurrying up with asinine tasks and snapping at myself to go faster, that I'll never be a nurse if I can't go faster. I'm worried that I really fucked that lady up because she made me do things that no one with my qualifications should have been doing, and yelling that I wasn't going fast enough. I know that it's probably not my fault but it's just so hard for me to forget those emotions and let it go, so it's been really rough.
In other news, the preoccupation with my single life continues. Now each of my friends has found someone. Every single one without exception. And I know it really shouldn't be a big deal, but I feel because I've been put into this situation of being literally the only single person I interact with on a daily basis I think about it a lot. I hate going to functions stag because I feel this loneliness, but also this strange pressure to remedy a situation that I really don't want to "fix" right now. I feel this stupid pity from people because I feel like people go out of their way to talk with me and be friendly even though they have their significant other there. It humiliates me. And I feel stupid for thinking that.
It's crazy that I feel sorry for myself at moments like this. It's just childish and stupid and I have a great life. I love so many things about it and I'm ridiculous for making a blog post that suggested otherwise. I'm just whiny in the mornings maybe.
I've had a rough couple days. I had a really bad experience on Sunday with that CNA job that I was just so happy to land. So excited to help someone and actually make a difference other than taking people's money in exchange for their groceries or making quasi-acceptable petri dishes for a laboratory where I understand very little of the science. But, as my life would go, it quickly turned into a nightmare. I felt shamed and humiliated, horrified and guilty. No one should make me feel that way. The worst of it is that I just can't manage to clear my head of the whole experience. I find myself hurrying up with asinine tasks and snapping at myself to go faster, that I'll never be a nurse if I can't go faster. I'm worried that I really fucked that lady up because she made me do things that no one with my qualifications should have been doing, and yelling that I wasn't going fast enough. I know that it's probably not my fault but it's just so hard for me to forget those emotions and let it go, so it's been really rough.
In other news, the preoccupation with my single life continues. Now each of my friends has found someone. Every single one without exception. And I know it really shouldn't be a big deal, but I feel because I've been put into this situation of being literally the only single person I interact with on a daily basis I think about it a lot. I hate going to functions stag because I feel this loneliness, but also this strange pressure to remedy a situation that I really don't want to "fix" right now. I feel this stupid pity from people because I feel like people go out of their way to talk with me and be friendly even though they have their significant other there. It humiliates me. And I feel stupid for thinking that.
It's crazy that I feel sorry for myself at moments like this. It's just childish and stupid and I have a great life. I love so many things about it and I'm ridiculous for making a blog post that suggested otherwise. I'm just whiny in the mornings maybe.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
30 day song challenge in one day
day 01 - your favorite song
I'm Only Sleeping by The Beatles or The District Sleeps Alone Tonight by The Postal Service
day 02 - your least favorite song
One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer by George Thorogood and the Destroyers
day 03 - a song that makes you happy
I Just Can't Wait to be King from The Lion King Soundtrack
day 04 - a song that makes you sad
It Ain't Me Babe by Bob Dylan
day 05 - a song that reminds you of someone
Band of Gold by Freda Payne
day 06 - a song that reminds you of somewhere
Bulletproof by La Roux
day 07 - a song that reminds you of a certain event
Up, Up and Away by Kid Cudi
day 08 - a song that you know all the words to
Ignition by R. Kelly
day 09 - a song that you can dance to
Club Can't Handle Me by Flo Rida
day 10 - a song that makes you fall asleep
Fade Into You by Mazzy Star
day 11 - a song from your favorite band
In My Life by The Beatles
day 12 - a song from a band you hate
Crash by Dave Matthews Band
day 13 - a song that is a guilty pleasure
Say You'll Be There by The Spice Girls
day 14 - a song that no one would expect you to love
Hair by Lady Gaga
day 15 - a song that describes you
The District Sleeps Alone Tonight by The Postal Service
day 16 - a song that you used to love but now hate
Hot 'N Cold by Katy Perry
day 17 - a song that you hear often on the radio
Rolling in the Deep by Adele
day 18 - a song that you wish you heard on the radio
Someone Great by LCD Soundsystem
day 19 - a song from your favorite album
Nowhere Man by The Beatles
day 20 - a song that you listen to when you’re angry
Take Me Away by The Plain White T's
day 21 - a song that you listen to when you’re happy
Last Nite by The Stokes
day 22 - a song that you listen to when you’re sad
First Day of My Life by Bright Eyes
day 23 - a song that you want to play at your wedding
At Last by Etta James
day 24 - a song that you want to play at your funeral
Asleep by The Smiths
day 25 - a song that makes you laugh
Motherlover by The Lonely Island
day 26 - a song that you can play on an instrument
Brain Stew by Green Day
day 27 - a song that you wish you could play
The Boxer by Simon and Garfunkel
day 28 - a song that makes you feel guilty
Sex at Six by the Profits
day 29 - a song from your childhood
Lean on Me by Bill Withers
day 30 - your favorite song at this time last year
El Scorcho by Weezer
I'm Only Sleeping by The Beatles or The District Sleeps Alone Tonight by The Postal Service
day 02 - your least favorite song
One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer by George Thorogood and the Destroyers
day 03 - a song that makes you happy
I Just Can't Wait to be King from The Lion King Soundtrack
day 04 - a song that makes you sad
It Ain't Me Babe by Bob Dylan
day 05 - a song that reminds you of someone
Band of Gold by Freda Payne
day 06 - a song that reminds you of somewhere
Bulletproof by La Roux
day 07 - a song that reminds you of a certain event
Up, Up and Away by Kid Cudi
day 08 - a song that you know all the words to
Ignition by R. Kelly
day 09 - a song that you can dance to
Club Can't Handle Me by Flo Rida
day 10 - a song that makes you fall asleep
Fade Into You by Mazzy Star
day 11 - a song from your favorite band
In My Life by The Beatles
day 12 - a song from a band you hate
Crash by Dave Matthews Band
day 13 - a song that is a guilty pleasure
Say You'll Be There by The Spice Girls
day 14 - a song that no one would expect you to love
Hair by Lady Gaga
day 15 - a song that describes you
The District Sleeps Alone Tonight by The Postal Service
day 16 - a song that you used to love but now hate
Hot 'N Cold by Katy Perry
day 17 - a song that you hear often on the radio
Rolling in the Deep by Adele
day 18 - a song that you wish you heard on the radio
Someone Great by LCD Soundsystem
day 19 - a song from your favorite album
Nowhere Man by The Beatles
day 20 - a song that you listen to when you’re angry
Take Me Away by The Plain White T's
day 21 - a song that you listen to when you’re happy
Last Nite by The Stokes
day 22 - a song that you listen to when you’re sad
First Day of My Life by Bright Eyes
day 23 - a song that you want to play at your wedding
At Last by Etta James
day 24 - a song that you want to play at your funeral
Asleep by The Smiths
day 25 - a song that makes you laugh
Motherlover by The Lonely Island
day 26 - a song that you can play on an instrument
Brain Stew by Green Day
day 27 - a song that you wish you could play
The Boxer by Simon and Garfunkel
day 28 - a song that makes you feel guilty
Sex at Six by the Profits
day 29 - a song from your childhood
Lean on Me by Bill Withers
day 30 - your favorite song at this time last year
El Scorcho by Weezer
Monday, June 27, 2011
a very detailed post about pretty much nothing and being single
Watching Parks and Recreation and cleaning/organizing my apartment in the time I spend at home in between jobs has been great. And getting money, finally, has also been nice. I laugh and disturb Connie whilst she is consumed by her physics homework (sorry) because of the hilarity of it all. I mean, the show, not the cleaning (can it really get better than mid-season 2?!?!).
It feels nice to accomplish things. I wrote a to-do list on my way home from Florida...it was a short-term/long-term type list with goals spanning mere minutes to weeks. I have to save up enough money to buy an external hard drive, but other than that here's what I've done. (I'm not bragging, no, I'm just typing this as a digital record of what the last week of June 2011 was like for me)
-go through recipes, cook (with apron)
-get another milk crate
-develop Kenya pictures
-clean/organize room/apartment (the apartment looks awesome, might I add)
-do laundry
-watch Parks & Rec
-apply to a boatload of CNA jobs
-replace plasticized oven burner
-install shelving
See what I did there? I put watching a show as something on a to-do list. My life...is nice.
I just tried to post this but it deleted half the post which was probably for the best. I'll let the tags set as a nice reminder about how much I lauded being single and appreciate my blessing wrapped in a curse of being the only single one of my friends. Well, I mean, almost. Also I appreciated Jay-Z and the pay at Woodman's. I noted the quagmire I'm facing with Germany and New York. I reported negatively on my really bad dreams which seem to have more staying power than the good ones.
Oy vey I need to sleep
It feels nice to accomplish things. I wrote a to-do list on my way home from Florida...it was a short-term/long-term type list with goals spanning mere minutes to weeks. I have to save up enough money to buy an external hard drive, but other than that here's what I've done. (I'm not bragging, no, I'm just typing this as a digital record of what the last week of June 2011 was like for me)
-go through recipes, cook (with apron)
-get another milk crate
-develop Kenya pictures
-clean/organize room/apartment (the apartment looks awesome, might I add)
-do laundry
-watch Parks & Rec
-apply to a boatload of CNA jobs
-replace plasticized oven burner
-install shelving
See what I did there? I put watching a show as something on a to-do list. My life...is nice.
I just tried to post this but it deleted half the post which was probably for the best. I'll let the tags set as a nice reminder about how much I lauded being single and appreciate my blessing wrapped in a curse of being the only single one of my friends. Well, I mean, almost. Also I appreciated Jay-Z and the pay at Woodman's. I noted the quagmire I'm facing with Germany and New York. I reported negatively on my really bad dreams which seem to have more staying power than the good ones.
Oy vey I need to sleep
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
doubt and bad luck
that sounds depressing.
have been full of self doubt of late and also have had incredibly bad luck with just about everything. maybe it's like a special way of the world welcoming me back to madison. finally. back in madison.
i am excited to work on my life for the rest of the summer.
have been full of self doubt of late and also have had incredibly bad luck with just about everything. maybe it's like a special way of the world welcoming me back to madison. finally. back in madison.
i am excited to work on my life for the rest of the summer.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
doubt
this weekend, i began to question my worth as a human being.
not a good thing.
i've concluded that:
a) those that have caused me to question my worth should probably not be a huge part of my life.
b) i'm probably worth something.
c) sometimes i take things really personally from people who mean a lot to me.
d) i act like an idiot sometimes, but anyone worth anything will think it's endearing instead of annoying or at least put up with it with some sort of amiability.
not a good thing.
i've concluded that:
a) those that have caused me to question my worth should probably not be a huge part of my life.
b) i'm probably worth something.
c) sometimes i take things really personally from people who mean a lot to me.
d) i act like an idiot sometimes, but anyone worth anything will think it's endearing instead of annoying or at least put up with it with some sort of amiability.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Kenya: The Return
It's so great to be back. I feel so clean--there is soap absolutely EVERYWHERE. And my hair, so clean!
I'm excited to sleep in my bed tonight, shall be amazing, but not completely looking forward to cleaning and unpacking the rest of my room.
And thus concludes the experience that has been Kenya.
I'm excited to sleep in my bed tonight, shall be amazing, but not completely looking forward to cleaning and unpacking the rest of my room.
And thus concludes the experience that has been Kenya.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Kenya: Safari
Just got back from an amazing safari, the animals I saw included but were not limited to:
Lions
Leopards
Cheetahs
Zebras
Elephants
Giraffes
Buffalo
Flamingos
Hippopotamuses
Crocodiles
Colobus Monkeys
Baboons
Cute Monkeys but I don't know their names
Vultures
Marabu Storks
Hyenas
Jackals
Ostriches
Antelope
Impalas
Waterbucks
Topis
Oh man, it was really intense. Yes, I have pictures and you will all probably have to endure a slideshow or something at some point. A lot of driving though, it got kind of hard at times to stop fidgiting. For the most part though, there weren't too many points when there weren't animals around to keep me entertained. It's nice to be back home, I have plans to visit the giraffes tomorrow and also eat at Carnivore! (Carnivore is the only restaurant in Kenya that is certified to serve game meat...yes, I don't really like meat too much, but I'll probably only be in Kenya once and what's a trip to Africa without trying zebra?)
Lions
Leopards
Cheetahs
Zebras
Elephants
Giraffes
Buffalo
Flamingos
Hippopotamuses
Crocodiles
Colobus Monkeys
Baboons
Cute Monkeys but I don't know their names
Vultures
Marabu Storks
Hyenas
Jackals
Ostriches
Antelope
Impalas
Waterbucks
Topis
Oh man, it was really intense. Yes, I have pictures and you will all probably have to endure a slideshow or something at some point. A lot of driving though, it got kind of hard at times to stop fidgiting. For the most part though, there weren't too many points when there weren't animals around to keep me entertained. It's nice to be back home, I have plans to visit the giraffes tomorrow and also eat at Carnivore! (Carnivore is the only restaurant in Kenya that is certified to serve game meat...yes, I don't really like meat too much, but I'll probably only be in Kenya once and what's a trip to Africa without trying zebra?)
Monday, June 6, 2011
Kenya: T minus 6 days
So, this weekend I spent very busy. We went to Nyeri, which was beautiful...the landscape looked like a movie, and we spent the day on a farm. So nice. It was also nice to spend q-t with the wazungus, I have grown to not hate them so much and they have gotten me into dubstep. Go figure. Nancy is just really intense. She needs to be in control and I guess I can't fault her for that.
I guess then, I'd like to revise my official stance on them. They're tolerable and here for a different reason than I am. Also, I'm leaving them tomorrow for safari (!!!) so it won't be so bad.
On the farm we spent most of the time with Millicent's family. There wasn't so much to do, so I almost finished A Good Man in Africa (which after more investigation I think should be entitled A Not So Great Man in Africa). Her family slaughtered a goat for us, and it was good, I mean, a little was good but I am so sick of cabbage and African food I won't be satisfied until I get a salad, an enchilada and a LARGE cheese plate.
Going out in Nairobi was intense: you have not seen dancing until you've been in Africa. I'm telling you, Africans can DANCE. For all you haters, I was told by several people (male and female) that I could dance. I saw other Wazungus and I can definitely dance better than them. Also, it seems as though coming to Africa warrants white people to dress really poorly, really, really poorly.
I'm going to Amyna's house when I get back from safari to try to help her and her family figure out how she can get to America. I smell a fundraiser/bake sale in my near future...maybe my favorite band could put on a benefit concert...ehhemTheRoseLightsehhem...
I guess then, I'd like to revise my official stance on them. They're tolerable and here for a different reason than I am. Also, I'm leaving them tomorrow for safari (!!!) so it won't be so bad.
On the farm we spent most of the time with Millicent's family. There wasn't so much to do, so I almost finished A Good Man in Africa (which after more investigation I think should be entitled A Not So Great Man in Africa). Her family slaughtered a goat for us, and it was good, I mean, a little was good but I am so sick of cabbage and African food I won't be satisfied until I get a salad, an enchilada and a LARGE cheese plate.
Going out in Nairobi was intense: you have not seen dancing until you've been in Africa. I'm telling you, Africans can DANCE. For all you haters, I was told by several people (male and female) that I could dance. I saw other Wazungus and I can definitely dance better than them. Also, it seems as though coming to Africa warrants white people to dress really poorly, really, really poorly.
I'm going to Amyna's house when I get back from safari to try to help her and her family figure out how she can get to America. I smell a fundraiser/bake sale in my near future...maybe my favorite band could put on a benefit concert...ehhemTheRoseLightsehhem...
Friday, June 3, 2011
Kenya: Real Wazungus, Relocation and Pizza
Wazungu being the plural for Mzungu, I will now detail the past two days living with my North American acquaintances.
It amazes me how spoiled people are from the North America. Allow me to explain. At home, there's always this person who has this intolerance (dairy, wheat, sweets...) then that person who really just doesn't like cabbage, and that person over there who simply cannot drink caffeine. There's the person who has to have a toilet seat. There's the person who can't deal with taking a cold shower. There is the person who has to take a whole bunch of medicine to maintain their health. Well, these people come to a place like Ngong and find many of these comforts are just unavailable, so they impose on their host and make sure these lifestyle choices can be followed.
This all strikes me as very demanding. The new people brought not only a shiny Macbook Pro (which I got to touch...! Hestia, how I miss you and your backlit bright shiny keyboard and LCD screen), internet, a toilet seat, soap, ketchup, peanut butter, and their own tea, among other Western type luxuries. I understand they're just trying to be comfortable and honestly kudos to them for being able to fit all that shit in their luggage, but when they came it was a whirlwind of change. They are not here to fit in and learn to live (I mean, they really aren't, that's not their goal) but they just seem like they're gawking at the people here. They're peering in through a thin window, a sheet of plastic between them and the outside world.
So, they are essentially here to make a documentary. They have a whole bunch of camera equipment and have a goal of uploading a video blog every day they are in Kenya. Good luck once again, as this internet is ridiculously slow (think: slower than dial-up, no loading gmail, takes 5 minutes to send a one line e-mail). The ringleader of them all, a swahili-tattooed 30-something from Toronto, has been here before. She is loud, obnoxious, officious, and has the insufferable habit of calling Millicent "mama" and overusing it. "Mama, I love you. Mama, this food is good. Have you seen David, Mama? When will the water be back, Mama?" I'm thinking, 'lady, you're 30 something, you have wrinkles. she's black. clearly she's not your mother, so stfu.' And she has all her cronies saying it, too. The cronies are Dani, a large girl who has too many piercings to be ladylike and two few to be hardcore. She's quiet and a really picky eater. There's PJ (DJ?) who is a heavyset Asian guy, I get along with him the best. He actually gives me the time of day, we did a crossword puzzle together last night briefly while his video was uploading. He's a hipster: on his most visited websites on the Macbook were the following: Gmail, twitter, facebook, Urban Outfitters Online. We talked about headphones though, and I must admit it felt good to talk about consumerism again, for it has been so long. The third one is named uh...Ian or something? it's not Ian, but it's something equally annoying. He's tall and too old to be calling someone he's never met before Mama. He has a hipster beard.
When I asked Nancy what their project was at their orphanage, she replied with a verbose explanation about self-sustainability and so-on. She asked me what I did; when I said, "oh I teach," she simply muttered, "well, that's better than nothing." Needless to say, she's really fucking pretentious.
Alright, alright, I know I should keep a cap on my acerbic criticisms and focus on the fact that they're they're here to help. But some people just rub you the wrong way, you know?
Yesterday, Amyna and I went to David's house (I went there once on Tuesday, but I had to go back, explained below). It was so fucking...crazy. First of all, he lives in a plot of land a ways off from Ngong, we walked, and was no less than like 5 km probably. Each time I visited a gaggle of about 25 children came out to greet me, as if they'd never seen a white person before (they probably hadn't). His house was two rooms, not connected internally. He and his brother shared one room, and I guess all his other siblings squeezed into another room off the main living room. I learned that when you visit a family, it is customary to bring something for them like flour, sugar, eggs, veggies, cooking fat, etc. Well, I missed that memo the first time, making it so I had to return a second time with a whole bag of groceries in tow (not that it was a hassle, his family is extremely nice and lovely). The crazy thing about it all is that they moved there in 2008, during the genocide. Their family, Kikuyu tribe background presumably, was targeted by the opposition party when President Kibaki (also a Kikuyu) "won" the election. David and his family collected their things and were forced to flee, as they saw houses around them being destroyed by the opposition leaders. They got out, and David's dad came back a week or so later only to find their house destroyed...nothing left. I can't believe that. He finished school, his family is so bright and so nice, I can't fucking believe they've been through that. Apparently his dad used to be quite successful, they had a house and a car and everything, but now, they have nothing. They don't even have enough to pay for the lights. I want to help them out...if there's any cause that I've seen so far in Kenya that I feel I can put myself 100% behind, it's helping that family. More than helping the kids in the corrupt orphanage. I want the best for them. They are so nice, each and every one of them, down to their cores.
On a lighter note to finish off the post...
Tonight, I'm going to Nairobi with Amyna and David and a couple other people. We're going out! I'm excited. That's one more thing crossed off the list. We're also buying a Pizza. Oh god I miss pizza. In the wee early morning tomorrow, Millicent, the Wazungus, Carol (Millicent's daughter) and myself are heading to Nyeri, which is Millicent's homeland. It's near Mt. Kenya, so I'm excited to experience the scenery around there and hopefully see the stars!! Taking the trip there will mean that I've explored a large chunk of this country, seen much of what is to be seen in Kenya at least.
Hope the states haven't changed too much while I'm away (short of having a couple more baccalaureates, pharmacists and doctors) and y'all are getting ready to have me back!
It amazes me how spoiled people are from the North America. Allow me to explain. At home, there's always this person who has this intolerance (dairy, wheat, sweets...) then that person who really just doesn't like cabbage, and that person over there who simply cannot drink caffeine. There's the person who has to have a toilet seat. There's the person who can't deal with taking a cold shower. There is the person who has to take a whole bunch of medicine to maintain their health. Well, these people come to a place like Ngong and find many of these comforts are just unavailable, so they impose on their host and make sure these lifestyle choices can be followed.
This all strikes me as very demanding. The new people brought not only a shiny Macbook Pro (which I got to touch...! Hestia, how I miss you and your backlit bright shiny keyboard and LCD screen), internet, a toilet seat, soap, ketchup, peanut butter, and their own tea, among other Western type luxuries. I understand they're just trying to be comfortable and honestly kudos to them for being able to fit all that shit in their luggage, but when they came it was a whirlwind of change. They are not here to fit in and learn to live (I mean, they really aren't, that's not their goal) but they just seem like they're gawking at the people here. They're peering in through a thin window, a sheet of plastic between them and the outside world.
So, they are essentially here to make a documentary. They have a whole bunch of camera equipment and have a goal of uploading a video blog every day they are in Kenya. Good luck once again, as this internet is ridiculously slow (think: slower than dial-up, no loading gmail, takes 5 minutes to send a one line e-mail). The ringleader of them all, a swahili-tattooed 30-something from Toronto, has been here before. She is loud, obnoxious, officious, and has the insufferable habit of calling Millicent "mama" and overusing it. "Mama, I love you. Mama, this food is good. Have you seen David, Mama? When will the water be back, Mama?" I'm thinking, 'lady, you're 30 something, you have wrinkles. she's black. clearly she's not your mother, so stfu.' And she has all her cronies saying it, too. The cronies are Dani, a large girl who has too many piercings to be ladylike and two few to be hardcore. She's quiet and a really picky eater. There's PJ (DJ?) who is a heavyset Asian guy, I get along with him the best. He actually gives me the time of day, we did a crossword puzzle together last night briefly while his video was uploading. He's a hipster: on his most visited websites on the Macbook were the following: Gmail, twitter, facebook, Urban Outfitters Online. We talked about headphones though, and I must admit it felt good to talk about consumerism again, for it has been so long. The third one is named uh...Ian or something? it's not Ian, but it's something equally annoying. He's tall and too old to be calling someone he's never met before Mama. He has a hipster beard.
When I asked Nancy what their project was at their orphanage, she replied with a verbose explanation about self-sustainability and so-on. She asked me what I did; when I said, "oh I teach," she simply muttered, "well, that's better than nothing." Needless to say, she's really fucking pretentious.
Alright, alright, I know I should keep a cap on my acerbic criticisms and focus on the fact that they're they're here to help. But some people just rub you the wrong way, you know?
Yesterday, Amyna and I went to David's house (I went there once on Tuesday, but I had to go back, explained below). It was so fucking...crazy. First of all, he lives in a plot of land a ways off from Ngong, we walked, and was no less than like 5 km probably. Each time I visited a gaggle of about 25 children came out to greet me, as if they'd never seen a white person before (they probably hadn't). His house was two rooms, not connected internally. He and his brother shared one room, and I guess all his other siblings squeezed into another room off the main living room. I learned that when you visit a family, it is customary to bring something for them like flour, sugar, eggs, veggies, cooking fat, etc. Well, I missed that memo the first time, making it so I had to return a second time with a whole bag of groceries in tow (not that it was a hassle, his family is extremely nice and lovely). The crazy thing about it all is that they moved there in 2008, during the genocide. Their family, Kikuyu tribe background presumably, was targeted by the opposition party when President Kibaki (also a Kikuyu) "won" the election. David and his family collected their things and were forced to flee, as they saw houses around them being destroyed by the opposition leaders. They got out, and David's dad came back a week or so later only to find their house destroyed...nothing left. I can't believe that. He finished school, his family is so bright and so nice, I can't fucking believe they've been through that. Apparently his dad used to be quite successful, they had a house and a car and everything, but now, they have nothing. They don't even have enough to pay for the lights. I want to help them out...if there's any cause that I've seen so far in Kenya that I feel I can put myself 100% behind, it's helping that family. More than helping the kids in the corrupt orphanage. I want the best for them. They are so nice, each and every one of them, down to their cores.
On a lighter note to finish off the post...
Tonight, I'm going to Nairobi with Amyna and David and a couple other people. We're going out! I'm excited. That's one more thing crossed off the list. We're also buying a Pizza. Oh god I miss pizza. In the wee early morning tomorrow, Millicent, the Wazungus, Carol (Millicent's daughter) and myself are heading to Nyeri, which is Millicent's homeland. It's near Mt. Kenya, so I'm excited to experience the scenery around there and hopefully see the stars!! Taking the trip there will mean that I've explored a large chunk of this country, seen much of what is to be seen in Kenya at least.
Hope the states haven't changed too much while I'm away (short of having a couple more baccalaureates, pharmacists and doctors) and y'all are getting ready to have me back!
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Kenya: The Visitors
Today's the day. There will be 8 people in a two bedroom place, smaller than my apartment at home. For the rest of the time I'm here. I'm a little exacerbated about it because I have trouble sleeping anyway because it gets really stuffy in the house (no windows because of mosquitoes). Ah well, it will be nice, I guess, because Millicent is really excited about it and I'm glad to see her happy.
This week has been flying by, it struck me that I only have ELEVEN days left here. I honestly feel like I just got here like last week. Time has flown, and with it many of the apprehensions I had before I came. Sometimes I think, "what the hell? I really expected that but not this!?"\
Today in Kenya is a national holiday, so I didn't have to go to Manaseh today, but I did, just to sort out some of the books. I'm planning on making a database of all the stuff that they have so nothing 'walks away.' I have pictures of many of the books and I'm going to spend the rest of tonight making up the list on Millicent's computer that Louise gave here. It's an ancient HP but it looks so shiny and new compared to everything else technology-wise around here.
Yesterday I went to go hang out with friends. That's right people, I've made friends. All by myself, not through the program or through my home-stay family. They were so cool, too! I realize they are probably a lot cooler than I am, but I guess I am automatically a little cooler than usual because I am a) A Mzungu b) American c) dress kinda unique here. I met them through David, the guy who also volunteers at Manaseh with me. After work I met up with him and five of his friends (who taught me how to dance...America, get ready). It was so nice to hang out with GIRLS. It's pretty easy to find guys willing to hang out with you, but it's nice to find girls to chat with. Amyla, one of them, even wants to do my hair with an iron! Love it. She has great hair, it sticks up in a whole bunch of directions, but is perfectly coiffed. And I made plans to go to a fashion show with them!
Today I'm hoping to meet up with them again, because we had so much fun! We played football, and by we played, I mean, a bunch of guys played football as I watched in awe. They're so good! They can like get the ball above their head and shit...professional style. I kicked it a couple times and I'm sure I made a fool of myself. Of course. Oh, I mean soccer. They played soccer. (Other words that I now use casually: lorry, gum boots, torch, elastics, slippers, trainers [side note within side note: I listened to This American Life last night and someone interviewed had a Kansas accent, and I was so confused and taken aback by it because all I hear is African accents! It was so weird. Also, the girl said flip-flops and I laughed because I hadn't heard that word for ages, and even if I do, people look at me like I'm nuts. I was happy someone else on Earth still knew what they are, I was getting worried]).
And I was out after dark again, so I got to see the stars, which I can never get enough of. The sky here is THE BEST. I love seeing all the constellations because I can't recognize them at all. It looks completely different down here! It's just so hard for me to make excuses to be out at night, or find people to be out with. I wish I could see them every night.
To finish off the post, a few random observations about Kenya for you all to enjoy:
1. People here love Celine Dion, randomly 30 Seconds to Mars, and this random Irish band called Westlife. I've watched videos from all of them since I've been here. Google Westlife for a great laugh...I went to a restaurant and there was a huge poster of them on the wall. Oh, Kenya.
2. Ketchup here isn't ketchup, it's like this water tomato sauce. Tasty though.
3. Stray dogs in town form packs. Motley crews full of dogs. Big ones, small ones, furry ones...
4. CDs here always have movies on them. Weird movies, usually involving many fat women singing and wearing prom dresses, clipped together with gimmicky transitions and fades. I kid you not.
This week has been flying by, it struck me that I only have ELEVEN days left here. I honestly feel like I just got here like last week. Time has flown, and with it many of the apprehensions I had before I came. Sometimes I think, "what the hell? I really expected that but not this!?"\
Today in Kenya is a national holiday, so I didn't have to go to Manaseh today, but I did, just to sort out some of the books. I'm planning on making a database of all the stuff that they have so nothing 'walks away.' I have pictures of many of the books and I'm going to spend the rest of tonight making up the list on Millicent's computer that Louise gave here. It's an ancient HP but it looks so shiny and new compared to everything else technology-wise around here.
Yesterday I went to go hang out with friends. That's right people, I've made friends. All by myself, not through the program or through my home-stay family. They were so cool, too! I realize they are probably a lot cooler than I am, but I guess I am automatically a little cooler than usual because I am a) A Mzungu b) American c) dress kinda unique here. I met them through David, the guy who also volunteers at Manaseh with me. After work I met up with him and five of his friends (who taught me how to dance...America, get ready). It was so nice to hang out with GIRLS. It's pretty easy to find guys willing to hang out with you, but it's nice to find girls to chat with. Amyla, one of them, even wants to do my hair with an iron! Love it. She has great hair, it sticks up in a whole bunch of directions, but is perfectly coiffed. And I made plans to go to a fashion show with them!
Today I'm hoping to meet up with them again, because we had so much fun! We played football, and by we played, I mean, a bunch of guys played football as I watched in awe. They're so good! They can like get the ball above their head and shit...professional style. I kicked it a couple times and I'm sure I made a fool of myself. Of course. Oh, I mean soccer. They played soccer. (Other words that I now use casually: lorry, gum boots, torch, elastics, slippers, trainers [side note within side note: I listened to This American Life last night and someone interviewed had a Kansas accent, and I was so confused and taken aback by it because all I hear is African accents! It was so weird. Also, the girl said flip-flops and I laughed because I hadn't heard that word for ages, and even if I do, people look at me like I'm nuts. I was happy someone else on Earth still knew what they are, I was getting worried]).
And I was out after dark again, so I got to see the stars, which I can never get enough of. The sky here is THE BEST. I love seeing all the constellations because I can't recognize them at all. It looks completely different down here! It's just so hard for me to make excuses to be out at night, or find people to be out with. I wish I could see them every night.
To finish off the post, a few random observations about Kenya for you all to enjoy:
1. People here love Celine Dion, randomly 30 Seconds to Mars, and this random Irish band called Westlife. I've watched videos from all of them since I've been here. Google Westlife for a great laugh...I went to a restaurant and there was a huge poster of them on the wall. Oh, Kenya.
2. Ketchup here isn't ketchup, it's like this water tomato sauce. Tasty though.
3. Stray dogs in town form packs. Motley crews full of dogs. Big ones, small ones, furry ones...
4. CDs here always have movies on them. Weird movies, usually involving many fat women singing and wearing prom dresses, clipped together with gimmicky transitions and fades. I kid you not.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Kenya: Mombasa Raha
Got back this morning at 6:15 am to Ngong from my weekend on the coast. Went to Manaseh afterwords. LONG weekend. Officially been to the Southern Hemisphere now though!
Highlights
First bus ride: 7 hours, overnight. Bumpy, COLD, unbearable. Three to a two seat. Children grabbing hair. NO SLEEP. HELL ON WHEELS.
Enjoying Mombasa. Beautiful city/beach. Walked down to the beach (a long hike) saw MONKEYS just chillin', also chameleons and lotsa crabs. Fucking fantastic.
Matatu into town. (Gideon's friend lived in a suburb outside near the beach). Slept a little.
Fort Jesus. I deemed it the Tower of London of Africa. It was this old, odd Portuguese place, please satisfy your curiosity on google until you get a look at my pictures. It was wild.
Delicious fruit salad. Mm...
Dinner at a fish place, I ate a WHOLE FISH. I mean, it was served with the head on and all, and let me tell you, it was one of the most delicious meals I've ever had. It was served with a side of curry, too, which was also extremely delicious. I am hungry, could you tell?
Going out to a bar on the beach to watch the Man U vs. Barcelona game. Awesome music, good game even though I don't like soccer. Gideon & his friends were entertaining.
It should be noted that prostitution here is legal as long as the two parties are both consenting adults above the age of 18. I guess the oddest thing I've seen here is the "Beach Boy" phenomenon, which are basically these really attractive men who pray on sex tourists or lonely women. I guess sometimes they don't even get laid, but just get dinner and a night out on the town. Strange to hear about, stranger to see, especially because I expected older women, ugly women, but many of the girls were young, probably about my age and they were hiring these beach boys! My philosophy about it: why pay when you could probably get it for free? Also, they all have STDs and many have HIV and it's a huge public health disaster. Of course, I also bore witness to the classic prostitute, beautiful, young, probably very diseased. Dance like nothing I've ever seen (remind me again, why doesn't my butt shake so wonderfully like that?) I saw this very old, corpulent, smelly Mzungu all over this girl who appeared around my age. I kept looking at them and feeling bad that that was her client, and he could do (and did) whatever he wanted with her. He must've felt ontop of the world. I wonder if she is there by choice (which I guess many of them are, as they make bank here, which I am coming to find increasingly is rare and hard to do) or if she was forced into it because of unfortunate circumstances, perhaps a child or a family or debts or something. That guy was really nasty though, poor girl.
Sweatiest sleep ever. The heat on the coast is crazy, it envelopes you and then seals you in until you sweat half your body weight off. It was uncomfortable.
SWIMMING IN THE INDIAN OCEAN! I just laughed for like ten minutes as I dove into and out of the waves. The water was warm and was a welcomed relief from the unbearable heat of the morning. Beautiful beach too, no whities, just locals. Even though I went swimming alone (African people, from what I've seen, in general, can't swim) I had a great time!
Raw coconut, cracked on the beach for just me! It was delish.
Bus ride home: more bearable, made less so by lack of ipod (died) and the incredible cold that infiltrated the bus as we neared Nairobi, which is at a considerably higher altitude over the coast. Also, my ears popped. Didn't realize I was up so high.
Today at Manaseh was great too. Good day. Drew the Solar System. I have the drawings to show everyone when I get home, I might even upload them on this blog because I love them so much.
Lowlights
Before we left Nairobi, I saw two men, thieves presumably covered in human feces and bloody. Beaten by cops. Handcuffed. May have been more disturbing, scary experiences of my life. Never see that in the States.
Mosquito bites, I think I've counted up over 50 by this point. Watch as I contract Malaria, regardless of the pills I've been taking.
Almost lost my debit card. Didn't though!
Sweat. Inescapable sweat.
_____
That all being said, I'm happy the weekend went off so well. I was pretty apprehensive about going with only one person (male) and meeting only a couple friends there. He was vouched for by Millicent and her daughter, Carol, though, and he knew them from church, leading me to believe that he probably was a decent guy, but one can never be too sure. I think I liked that situation in the end better though, as it was less overwhelming, less of a struggle to socialize because I've learned the hard way that in large groups people tend to just slip into swahili, and I end up getting lost. I was also very lucky, I know, that Gideon was not a creep and the whole situation remained platonic. It was great, but definitely risky. I regret nothing!
(Ok, maybe I regret not putting enough sunscreen on, this sunburn hurts. Only where I missed though! only on one shoulder!)
Highlights
First bus ride: 7 hours, overnight. Bumpy, COLD, unbearable. Three to a two seat. Children grabbing hair. NO SLEEP. HELL ON WHEELS.
Enjoying Mombasa. Beautiful city/beach. Walked down to the beach (a long hike) saw MONKEYS just chillin', also chameleons and lotsa crabs. Fucking fantastic.
Matatu into town. (Gideon's friend lived in a suburb outside near the beach). Slept a little.
Fort Jesus. I deemed it the Tower of London of Africa. It was this old, odd Portuguese place, please satisfy your curiosity on google until you get a look at my pictures. It was wild.
Delicious fruit salad. Mm...
Dinner at a fish place, I ate a WHOLE FISH. I mean, it was served with the head on and all, and let me tell you, it was one of the most delicious meals I've ever had. It was served with a side of curry, too, which was also extremely delicious. I am hungry, could you tell?
Going out to a bar on the beach to watch the Man U vs. Barcelona game. Awesome music, good game even though I don't like soccer. Gideon & his friends were entertaining.
It should be noted that prostitution here is legal as long as the two parties are both consenting adults above the age of 18. I guess the oddest thing I've seen here is the "Beach Boy" phenomenon, which are basically these really attractive men who pray on sex tourists or lonely women. I guess sometimes they don't even get laid, but just get dinner and a night out on the town. Strange to hear about, stranger to see, especially because I expected older women, ugly women, but many of the girls were young, probably about my age and they were hiring these beach boys! My philosophy about it: why pay when you could probably get it for free? Also, they all have STDs and many have HIV and it's a huge public health disaster. Of course, I also bore witness to the classic prostitute, beautiful, young, probably very diseased. Dance like nothing I've ever seen (remind me again, why doesn't my butt shake so wonderfully like that?) I saw this very old, corpulent, smelly Mzungu all over this girl who appeared around my age. I kept looking at them and feeling bad that that was her client, and he could do (and did) whatever he wanted with her. He must've felt ontop of the world. I wonder if she is there by choice (which I guess many of them are, as they make bank here, which I am coming to find increasingly is rare and hard to do) or if she was forced into it because of unfortunate circumstances, perhaps a child or a family or debts or something. That guy was really nasty though, poor girl.
Sweatiest sleep ever. The heat on the coast is crazy, it envelopes you and then seals you in until you sweat half your body weight off. It was uncomfortable.
SWIMMING IN THE INDIAN OCEAN! I just laughed for like ten minutes as I dove into and out of the waves. The water was warm and was a welcomed relief from the unbearable heat of the morning. Beautiful beach too, no whities, just locals. Even though I went swimming alone (African people, from what I've seen, in general, can't swim) I had a great time!
Raw coconut, cracked on the beach for just me! It was delish.
Bus ride home: more bearable, made less so by lack of ipod (died) and the incredible cold that infiltrated the bus as we neared Nairobi, which is at a considerably higher altitude over the coast. Also, my ears popped. Didn't realize I was up so high.
Today at Manaseh was great too. Good day. Drew the Solar System. I have the drawings to show everyone when I get home, I might even upload them on this blog because I love them so much.
Lowlights
Before we left Nairobi, I saw two men, thieves presumably covered in human feces and bloody. Beaten by cops. Handcuffed. May have been more disturbing, scary experiences of my life. Never see that in the States.
Mosquito bites, I think I've counted up over 50 by this point. Watch as I contract Malaria, regardless of the pills I've been taking.
Almost lost my debit card. Didn't though!
Sweat. Inescapable sweat.
_____
That all being said, I'm happy the weekend went off so well. I was pretty apprehensive about going with only one person (male) and meeting only a couple friends there. He was vouched for by Millicent and her daughter, Carol, though, and he knew them from church, leading me to believe that he probably was a decent guy, but one can never be too sure. I think I liked that situation in the end better though, as it was less overwhelming, less of a struggle to socialize because I've learned the hard way that in large groups people tend to just slip into swahili, and I end up getting lost. I was also very lucky, I know, that Gideon was not a creep and the whole situation remained platonic. It was great, but definitely risky. I regret nothing!
(Ok, maybe I regret not putting enough sunscreen on, this sunburn hurts. Only where I missed though! only on one shoulder!)
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Kenya: A routine?
It's gotten normal. It's finely happened. When I first got here, I thought, this will soon be normal, I will soon take for granted all the crazy stuff that is Kenya, and it has happened. I now scoff at a whopping KSh 540 for a large dinner for three at nice restaurant (~USD 6.15), swat away moths as if they were just air, walk peacefully among the cattle and can watch the clouds gracefully without having my head glued to the uneven dirt roads.
I've started this routine this past week, I get up, go to Manaseh, come home, read, eat (around fucking NINE o'clock at night, which in the swahili language, is THREE o'clock at night, which is not only very confusing but also very late.) and sleep. Get up, repeat. Notice lack of shower. That is not a typo. That is life here: showerless, flush-less and very sunny. I have found very creative ways to wear my hair of late, out of my face, not looking like yarn from grease. I have also become accustomed to only drinking about .5 Liters of water a day (a VERY minimal amount). I have gotten used to the frequent power outtages (two today so far) and the lack of internet until the afternoon. The lack of phone. The craziness.
I'm feeling better about being a Mzungu. This new volunteer, his name is David and he's from around here, says that people just don't know how or where to start. They want to talk to me, but they don't know how. And I understand that, I do, but when Steve, this creep who has now discovered how I walk to and from Manaseh, (no, I can't vary the route, I don't know the way) tries to tell me that I'm taking him to my country, I have to shudder. It's creepy, okay?!
Tomorrow I'm heading to the coast and also Nairobi to see Georgia again, and I'm psyched. I really, really need the beach because my head hasn't been underwater in two weeks and I'm aching for beach. And, on another upside, hopefully my 'wetsuit' tan will disappear. (I have to dress in pretty long sleeves and I usually wear leggings, which has led to an unsightly shade of white paste surrounding the entire middle of my body).
It's also been nice to have David at Manaseh because it opens up new possibilities of teaching the kids simple science and more about America, as he can easily-ish switch between Swahili and English. Today I taught them about the water cycle, which was so kick ass and enjoyable. They were so captivated by the Magic School Bus. I can hardly wait to tell Georgia and Louise. But, on the other hand, the Hokey Pokey failed miserably as they can't understand any of the words and can't really distinguish that "Hokey Pokey" is a funny made up sound, and not just part of our vernacular.
So, until Sunday or Monday and my return, I leave you.
I've started this routine this past week, I get up, go to Manaseh, come home, read, eat (around fucking NINE o'clock at night, which in the swahili language, is THREE o'clock at night, which is not only very confusing but also very late.) and sleep. Get up, repeat. Notice lack of shower. That is not a typo. That is life here: showerless, flush-less and very sunny. I have found very creative ways to wear my hair of late, out of my face, not looking like yarn from grease. I have also become accustomed to only drinking about .5 Liters of water a day (a VERY minimal amount). I have gotten used to the frequent power outtages (two today so far) and the lack of internet until the afternoon. The lack of phone. The craziness.
I'm feeling better about being a Mzungu. This new volunteer, his name is David and he's from around here, says that people just don't know how or where to start. They want to talk to me, but they don't know how. And I understand that, I do, but when Steve, this creep who has now discovered how I walk to and from Manaseh, (no, I can't vary the route, I don't know the way) tries to tell me that I'm taking him to my country, I have to shudder. It's creepy, okay?!
Tomorrow I'm heading to the coast and also Nairobi to see Georgia again, and I'm psyched. I really, really need the beach because my head hasn't been underwater in two weeks and I'm aching for beach. And, on another upside, hopefully my 'wetsuit' tan will disappear. (I have to dress in pretty long sleeves and I usually wear leggings, which has led to an unsightly shade of white paste surrounding the entire middle of my body).
It's also been nice to have David at Manaseh because it opens up new possibilities of teaching the kids simple science and more about America, as he can easily-ish switch between Swahili and English. Today I taught them about the water cycle, which was so kick ass and enjoyable. They were so captivated by the Magic School Bus. I can hardly wait to tell Georgia and Louise. But, on the other hand, the Hokey Pokey failed miserably as they can't understand any of the words and can't really distinguish that "Hokey Pokey" is a funny made up sound, and not just part of our vernacular.
So, until Sunday or Monday and my return, I leave you.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Kenya: Entering Week Three
Many people here thought the world would end on Saturday at 6 pm. We are still here (no one saw that one coming). PRAISE JESUS. Continuing.
What I had first mistaken as novelty and noting difference, I now believe is a form of hard and fast racism. Now that I am alone, traveling as one Mzungu and not two or three, I am scared. I am really fucking scared. And I have never felt more alone in my life.
People shout on the streets, 'Mzungu, mzungu!' I didn't let it get to me, I didn't. But now it's just like their shouting, "go home! you don't belong here. get out!" Kenyans are of this mindset: white skin=money. And, yes, I guess it is true. I have a lot more fucking money than almost every other person I see on the streets, but put me here in Kenya, convert the actual ratio of money I live on to Kenyan schillings and see how rich I am. See how many schillings I have to spend on just rent for one month in my 'shitty' apartment back home. I don't have money to throw around here, but yes, yes I DO have the ability to pull out 10,000 shillings at a time. So WHAT?! It means NOTHING. I don't like being accosted, ripped off and touched. My fine hair is not a signal that it's okay to touch it. My tanned skin is not a signal that it's okay to take my arm. My leather wallet is not a sign I have money.
I was ripped off buying fabric. I paid 300 KSh, which I thought was a reasonable price and a trustworthy shop. Turns out that should only have cost me 150 KSh. And then someone had the nerve to attempt to sell me the same size and quality of fabric at a market yesterday for 600 KSh.
It's not just the shopping. Yesterday I went into Nairobi and I saw reverse ghettos. White people seclude themselves in these huge, hulking, luxurious apartment complexes. White people being ex-Pats, the people who are descendants of the British who colonized here who do almost always have more money than all the others. The racial divide here is so stark it's hard to not notice. Honestly, I can't blame them. People cut in front of me in line, assume that I'll take them back to where ever I'm from, harass me...I guess I'd separate myself too if I could.
And the religion. I think I am literally the only person within 200 km who doesn't accept Jehovah as my Lord and Savior and understands that sinners may not burn in hell. It's intolerable. I will NOT start going to church when I get home, okay?!
The worst I suppose is the huge language divide. I know their talking about me because I catch the word "mzungu" in with swahili jibberish and I catch sneers in my general direction. Of course I can't communicate in Swahili, okay? I TRY though. I really do. I'm TRYING not to stick out so sorely, but I can't live in blackface for three more weeks. I just don't know what to do; I feel lost. I'm so alone here, especially in this village because no tourists live here and no ex-Pats live here either.
My phone, I have discovered is incredibly expensive to use. I can't talk to my friends or my family on the phone, and I can only get to this stupid internet room deemed 'cafe' for a couple hours in the afternoon before the sun sets and I am in true and present danger. This only adds to my sinking deepening feeling of loneliness.
In other news, I taught the kids to say "What's up?" today. It went over quite well even if they only half knew what it meant. I really like those kids but sometimes they gather around me like I have all the answers and know what to do and everything in the world. I don't. I really don't. I've started preparing lessons in the evenings, and it went pretty well today. The teacher, who I finally found out was 21 years old, was super cooperative and the lesson went well. I taught them a simple conversation a la:
Hey, what's your name?
My name is Milkah, what's yours? ['yours' is always pronounced wrong, without fail]
I am Rebecca. How old are you?
I'm 9 years old. And you?
I'm 20 years old.
Where are you from?
I'm from Kenya. And you?
I'm from The United States.
How many siblings do you have?
I have 2 sisters and 1 brother.
Some of the older kids can get it, but the ones who only know Maa (Masai native tongue) can barely form the words. And even the older kids need a script. I am now absolutely positive that they absorbed not even 30% of what the Canadians taught them. Maybe two of the kids could explain in Swahili some of what we went over last week. I'm trying, I'm doing my best. But my best is just not good enough.
And still I wake up thinking, HOLY FUCK I'm in KENYA. (!!) Probably the best experience I'll ever have.
What I had first mistaken as novelty and noting difference, I now believe is a form of hard and fast racism. Now that I am alone, traveling as one Mzungu and not two or three, I am scared. I am really fucking scared. And I have never felt more alone in my life.
People shout on the streets, 'Mzungu, mzungu!' I didn't let it get to me, I didn't. But now it's just like their shouting, "go home! you don't belong here. get out!" Kenyans are of this mindset: white skin=money. And, yes, I guess it is true. I have a lot more fucking money than almost every other person I see on the streets, but put me here in Kenya, convert the actual ratio of money I live on to Kenyan schillings and see how rich I am. See how many schillings I have to spend on just rent for one month in my 'shitty' apartment back home. I don't have money to throw around here, but yes, yes I DO have the ability to pull out 10,000 shillings at a time. So WHAT?! It means NOTHING. I don't like being accosted, ripped off and touched. My fine hair is not a signal that it's okay to touch it. My tanned skin is not a signal that it's okay to take my arm. My leather wallet is not a sign I have money.
I was ripped off buying fabric. I paid 300 KSh, which I thought was a reasonable price and a trustworthy shop. Turns out that should only have cost me 150 KSh. And then someone had the nerve to attempt to sell me the same size and quality of fabric at a market yesterday for 600 KSh.
It's not just the shopping. Yesterday I went into Nairobi and I saw reverse ghettos. White people seclude themselves in these huge, hulking, luxurious apartment complexes. White people being ex-Pats, the people who are descendants of the British who colonized here who do almost always have more money than all the others. The racial divide here is so stark it's hard to not notice. Honestly, I can't blame them. People cut in front of me in line, assume that I'll take them back to where ever I'm from, harass me...I guess I'd separate myself too if I could.
And the religion. I think I am literally the only person within 200 km who doesn't accept Jehovah as my Lord and Savior and understands that sinners may not burn in hell. It's intolerable. I will NOT start going to church when I get home, okay?!
The worst I suppose is the huge language divide. I know their talking about me because I catch the word "mzungu" in with swahili jibberish and I catch sneers in my general direction. Of course I can't communicate in Swahili, okay? I TRY though. I really do. I'm TRYING not to stick out so sorely, but I can't live in blackface for three more weeks. I just don't know what to do; I feel lost. I'm so alone here, especially in this village because no tourists live here and no ex-Pats live here either.
My phone, I have discovered is incredibly expensive to use. I can't talk to my friends or my family on the phone, and I can only get to this stupid internet room deemed 'cafe' for a couple hours in the afternoon before the sun sets and I am in true and present danger. This only adds to my sinking deepening feeling of loneliness.
In other news, I taught the kids to say "What's up?" today. It went over quite well even if they only half knew what it meant. I really like those kids but sometimes they gather around me like I have all the answers and know what to do and everything in the world. I don't. I really don't. I've started preparing lessons in the evenings, and it went pretty well today. The teacher, who I finally found out was 21 years old, was super cooperative and the lesson went well. I taught them a simple conversation a la:
Hey, what's your name?
My name is Milkah, what's yours? ['yours' is always pronounced wrong, without fail]
I am Rebecca. How old are you?
I'm 9 years old. And you?
I'm 20 years old.
Where are you from?
I'm from Kenya. And you?
I'm from The United States.
How many siblings do you have?
I have 2 sisters and 1 brother.
Some of the older kids can get it, but the ones who only know Maa (Masai native tongue) can barely form the words. And even the older kids need a script. I am now absolutely positive that they absorbed not even 30% of what the Canadians taught them. Maybe two of the kids could explain in Swahili some of what we went over last week. I'm trying, I'm doing my best. But my best is just not good enough.
And still I wake up thinking, HOLY FUCK I'm in KENYA. (!!) Probably the best experience I'll ever have.
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