Seeing him today was cool. I mean, I didn't actually see him. But the bustle around my neighborhood as his motorcade passed by my apartment was crazy, all for one person. On another tangent, I feel like the excitement in the air when the president comes to your town, I feel like that is the excitement you should feel for the one you love. It was nice to feel that way for a little while today.
I can't imagine having that responsibility; I can't imagine holding a public office where so many people draw so much inspiration from you. I mean, to scale the issue back to my own life, I'm so exhausted these days, I take breathing for granted, which is something I hate doing. I love feeling air in my lungs and remembering the small things. It's so hard though, to get caught up in the gazillion other responsibilities I've laid out for myself, I don't have time to enjoy, well, anything. I mean, eating is a hassle, a lunch I cram in my backpack and wolf down on my way to my lecture. I walk and listen to old lectures. Keeping in touch with my friends feels like one of the hardest tasks because it's something I can procrastinate on indefinitely. My diary is all but being ignored...my entries are short and I've abandoned complete sentences.
The moments in which I do allow myself to think about things, like this one, scare me. I'm scared. I'm so scared about everything right now. I feel like this semester is like Mount Everest and I'm climbing it with no Sherpas.
I guess I was unsuspecting of how difficult this would be. I mean, I knew it would take incredible discipline and great solidarity, but this has surpassed my wildest dreams. It is hard to hear my roommates saying I have the best work ethic, or hear praise from my professors or reflected in my test scores, because I know all those things are just reflections of other things being left unattended. I definitely do not have the best work ethic...if I didn't work this hard with all the obligations I've taken on, I couldn't do it. And honestly, I don't know why I did this to myself. I feel like this is the opposite of last semester, I took so many credits and took part in so many extracurriculars...it's overwhelming. I'm letting it get to me, too. But honestly, it's hard not to.
One of the biggest things I've learned about myself this month is that I need human interaction. At least a little. I mean, I can handle 7 days straight of myself, but sometimes, I need someone. I need someone to hug. I'm a huge hug person. Also, I've learned so much useless information that I love from SYSK. I'm addicted to that. I've learned that I'm a neat freak and I like cooking my own food whenever possible. I've learned that I don't hate cilantro that much. I've learned that somethings, yes, somethings are just impossible. I can't be superwoman, no matter how hard I try. I'm not perfect. I can't make my work be perfect, my personality and I can't always be happy with what I have. I've learned that procrastinating on procrastinating is easier when you procrastinate doing other things that will eventually be due. I've learned that no matter what I do, Aarushi will probably still talk to me and make me feel a little better. And she probably won't eat/remember what groceries she buys. I've learned that Connie forgets a lot and can be very motivational to get me to go for runs. I've learned that I can totally be single, and not worry about boys (except for maybe, maybe once a day, obviously still a priority, in true becca fashion).
And now that I've calmed down and procrastinated for real I should get back to work writing this proposal. I hope that I never have to deal with writing a proposal again for another research topic...scientific writing is difficult.
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