never

is so long to wait. it's so long.
i'm so sad.
i wish this didn't happen to me, i feel so idiotic and dumb and sad and lonely and embarrassed and just all around horrible. this should not be this horrible. this should be easy.
but i care so much. i care so much about this. i want this. i want it so bad it hurts.
i'm a fool for this. i'm absolutely ridiculous. is it because i don't allow people to treat me decently? is it because i feel like i deserve more from people than i should? what standards do i set? who loves me? who cares about me enough to hear my thoughts? i know people say they do, but the truth is they can only listen so much. i can only expect so much.
meanwhile, although i try ever so hard, i know my mind will wander.
i'll dream about this.
i'll lose myself in meaningless thought. hopeless, wasted thought.
i am not satisfied with an ending like this.
i'll never learn. silly girl.