kenya believe it?!

So, I'm going to Kenya, officially. Scary thought, as I'm going alone. By far the scariest, longest, adventure I will ever have embarked upon, but I am excited. I am excited to be in a place so far from here, so distant from anything that I have ever known, and doing something there. Not just enjoying the sights, but (hopefully) making a difference.

When I say I'll be "making a difference" it sounds so overly hopeful and optimistic. It sounds naive. I realize it, and I know that it's not as simple as just donating my overly privileged time to some African nation where I probably won't make a dent, and may even hinder that nation by being officious and not working to help them stand on their own two feet. I understand those concerns, I do. I realize what I'm doing is minuscule, is petty, and honestly may be pretty self absorbed. But I see it like this: I have wanderlust. Serious, serious wanderlust. And if I'm going to travel somewhere, might as well make myself useful and try at least to do something productive for someone other than myself. And that's all there is to it!

I'm especially looking forward to the safaris. Seriously! I'm going on safari!!! Lions! Elephants! Giraffes! Zehbrahs!

Anyway. I guess I've been pretty absorbed with this and been letting a lot of other stuff slip through the cracks. I've gotten pretty behind on my readings for school, but I figure I'll catch up. There is so much hassle involved with going to Africa, so much more than I would have imagined. There are visas to be gotten, shots (oy, that's tomorrow...my poor arms), plane tickets (I paid $84.20 round trip...yes, I realize I am one of the luckiest people in the world, thank-you so much Uncle Kevin), forms, health forms, insurance, travel plans, malaria nets, bug spray, toilet paper...

SO much to think about. I'll just try to get my head in the game for the rest of the semester and I think I should be set.

Sept. 3rd, 2006 revisited

Took this from my xanga from years ago, thought it would be interesting to refill in all the answers with 2011 answers. my previous answers suggest that i was an angsty kid, let me tell you. For the original answers, you can visit here.

[ B A S I C ]:

I WANT: someone to love
I HAVE: so many reasons to be happy!
I WISH: on 11:11s
I HATE: the way I think
I MISS: better times
I FEAR: dying alone
I HEAR: the whizzing of hannah's computer
I REGRET: spending so much time regretting things
I LOVE: watching scrubs curled up in my bed
I ACHE: when i run
I ALWAYS: find what i don't like the most
I AM NOT: who i used to be
I DANCE: rarely, if you're lucky
I SING: in my car
I CRY: once in a while
I LOSE: never.
I CONFUSE: plenty of people, i'd guess
I NEED TO LEARN: how to keep my mouth shut
I SHOULD: go to bed soon

[ Y E S O R N O , Y O U ]

1. KEEP A DIARY?: yes
2. KEEP A SECRET JOURNAL?: i guess it's secret
3. SET YOUR WATCHES A FEW MINUTES AHEAD?: yes
4. BITE YOUR FINGERNAILS?: too much
5. BELIEVE IN LOVE: yes, still.

[ D O Y O U ]:

1. HAVE A/ANY CRUSH(ES)?: not right now
2. THINK YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN IN LOVE?: yeah, i think so.
3. HAVE ANY TATTOOS?: nope
4. PIERCINGS?: 6
5. THINK YOU ARE A HEALTH FREAK?: nah

[ W H E N Y O U S E E T H I S N A M E Y O U T H I N K O F ? ]

RYAN: gosling...hottie!

DOUG: quailman/the guy who works with me at my lab who just got back from the Keys

WILL: shortz? the puzzle master

VICTORIA: beckham/posh spice

SCOTT: connie's boyfriend

BEN: the word in between hebrew names (ex. Mendel ben Yakov)

[ F A V O U R I T E ]:

NUMBER: 17
COLOUR: red?
MONTH: october
SONG: I'm Only Sleeping/The District Sleeps Alone Tonight??
FOOD: pasta
DRINK: chai
VEGGIE: broccoli
FRUIT: raspberries
[ I N T H E L A S T 4 8 H O U R S , H A V E Y O U ? ]

CRIED?: no, i don't think so
HELPED SOMEONE? i hope so, at least cursorily
BOUGHT SOMETHING?: yeah
GOTTEN SICK?: no
GONE TO THE MOVIES?: no, don't think so
GONE OUT FOR DINNER?: yes, Quizno's tonight!
WRITTEN A REAL LETTER?: I paid a bill and sent it via snail mail
SAID "I LOVE YOU"?: to my mom!

WRITTEN IN A JOURNAL?: yeah
MISSED SOMEONE?: of course
FOUGHT WITH YOUR PARENTS?: no, i don't think so
FOUGHT WITH A FRIEND?: nope, just the usual bickering

[ W O U L D Y O U E V E R ]:

1. EAT A BUG?: yeah
2. BUNGEE JUMP?: NEVER you can behead yourself with the cord
3. HANG GLIDE?: For sure!
4. KILL SOMEONE?: no, never.
6. PARACHUTE FROM A PLANE: probably not.
8. WALK ON HOT COALS?: yes.
9. GO OUT TO EAT WITH A COMPLETE STRANGR? yeah, probably, why not?
11. BE A VEGETARIAN?: yes, i should go back to it.
12. WEAR PLAID WITH STRIPES?: yeah, probably!
14. SING KARAOKE?: yesh
17. RUN A RED LIGHT?: i did that today on accident
18. DYE YOUR HAIR BLUE?: i think that ship has sailed
19. BE ON SURVIVOR?: yeah, why not? but they probably wouldn't take me because i'm boring
22. MAKE SOMEONE CRY?: i hope not
23. KICK A BABY?: hell no
24. DATE SOMEONE MORE THAN TEN YEARS OLDER THAN YOU? yeah, probs
25. STAY UP ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT?: been there done that

[ T H E L A S T P E R S O N W H O ]:

1. SLEPT IN THE SAME BED WITH YOU? not in a public forum
2. SAW YOU CRY? aarushi?
3. MADE YOU CRY? some boy in florida probably
4. WENT TO THE MOVIES WITH?: sarah! Eagle vs. Shark!
5. WENT TO DINNER/LUNCH WITH? Jason!
6. YOU TALKED ON THE PHONE WITH?: Sash
7. SAID "I LOVE YOU" TO YOU AND REALLY MEANT IT?: my mom, for sure.
8. MADE YOU LAUGH?: Janet and Hannah and our awkward family photo
9. HUGGED YOU: my mom :)

[ T E N E M O T I O N S ]:

1. Are you missing someone right now?: yes, as always.
3. Are you talking to anyone right now?: Janet, Hannah and Jason, but we're not really talking, just hanging out.
4. Are you bored?: not quite
5. Are you German?: So bad
6. Are you Irish?: a little?
7. Are you French?: non
8. Are you Italian?: no...
9. Are your parents still married?: hell nah
10. Do you like someone right now? I like many people

[ T E N F A C T S ]:

1. Hometown: Madison.
2. Hair color: brunette
4. Hair style: longer than shoulder length and recently banged
5. Eye color: blue/green
6. Shoe size: 7.5
7. Mood: mediocre/tired
8. Skin color: tanish, but pasty
9. Available?: at the moment
10. Lefty/righty: righty

ze plan/random comments

2011- Get CNA job at UW hospital, Israel, summer school, fall semester in Madison.
2012- Germany, move to NY (Becca? In NEW YORK?), get job.
2012-2014-Nursing school in NY.

Been thinking a lot about that. It just feels like everything now has changed so drastically, and I miss a lot of what has been. Missing the past is a recurring curse in my and so many other people's lives. I think I get it from my mom.

It's funny how things can change so drastically within a week or two. Or a year. I think it's not as crazy to mention that things change so drastically over a decade, but hey, I'll put it out there anyway. As crazy as the constant changes and ups and downs may seem, however, it is also equally important to note that so many things stay constant. So many changes are just so frequent they become constant (if that makes any sense). I guess that's wholly vague but I guess I'll just leave it at that to at least pretend to conceal the fact that the pervading thought pattern for me now involves the opposite sex. Pathetic, I know, but somehow unavoidable. It's like my actual biological clock is screaming, "get on with it!" Sounds asinine considering my youthful age, but had I been born just a few decades earlier I'd probably already have a couple kids.

Sasha came up with this wonderful hypothesis about people on the east coast versus midwesterners. SO: Midwesterners are all outwardly nice, polite and welcoming, we have manners and can be quite talkative and outgoing. But when you get down to it, we all gossip and hate each other, find feuds and dwell on pettiness. East coasties are huge assholes on the outside, terse and businesslike, but they're actually really nice people who are caring and loving to their families and friends. It makes total sense to me.

I believe in nursing I've found my calling. Taking care of people is something that I feel like I am cut out for, and I love doing it. I'm a little sad that clinicals for my CNA class are over, I can't take care of anyone. I feel dumb for coming to this realization so late in my life because seriously, it's such an obvious choice for my career. Everyone who knows me knows it too. I've been watching Scrubs heavily, and it's interesting to watch how Elliott has to grow into taking care of people: she's not too intuitive and she often has issues connecting with her patients. I feel like there are so many people who want to go to med school who are like that. They really care about the patients and want to help them, but it's just not second nature for them. That's not to say they won't make great doctors because their heart is most certainly in the right place. It's just an interesting dichotomy to observe in people.


Sleep schedule is whacked. It's awful, falling asleep before two is a blessing. I wish I had some time off. Today at the lab Douglas was talking about his trip to Miami/Keys and I just felt like I needed some time in the tropics. It's been like...3 months-ish? Four months?! It sounds spoiled but Florida seriously sounds delightful right now. I wish I could just have a whole ONE day to do nothing. JUST ONE DAY OFF would be WONDERFUL.

friday night

Sometimes I wonder what is a normal Friday night for some people...just like I wonder what constitutes 'awkward' eye contact versus just 'eye contact' for other people. I never know. Like tonight, no one is back on campus really, so it's still pretty quiet. I'm spending tonight alone, just reading and surfing the interwebs, perhaps watching a movie or two. It will be a good night, one that I've really been needing this spring break anyway.
So: my general feeling is that there are three major types of people here on campus, of which I feel like I have been spreading myself pretty evenly between.
-There are the party-goers, those that go out to the bars or to the wild parties with the kegs and the hooking up and the late night Taco Bell runs one or both weekend nights. These are the people who give public universities the party image and make people wonder why our test scores are so great. In their defense, many of them are super smart without trying (a trait which I envy)
-There are the couples. These are the people who just hang out with each other on weekends, or the single people who hang out with like their best friend or one other person watching movies or something. And sprinkle some homework in or baking or things like that. (I feel like I'm probably mostly in this category)
-Then there are those people who hole up on weekend nights doing homework and studying. Solitary people. I respect those people and envy their discipline, but also feel sorry for them because they are missing out on lessons that aren't taught in classrooms, but can only be learned from youth (man oh man that sounds cliche, but you know what, I'm going with it.) I like doing it every once in a while, like tonight, but too much and I think I might go nuts.

I also wonder how much of what I just take as fact about people I don't know is actually true. I mean, I don't make super hard and fast decisions about many people, but I just wonder about those that I do...do they really act like I think they do? So many I statements...that needs to stop too.

spring break 2011: the beginning

I'm leaving for Minnesota today...I'm excited but sore. I'm so sore. I 'worked' my first shift as a CNA last night (buses don't come to the hospital after 10? are you kidding me?!), and by worked I mean I paid them to have me help them out. I helped people. I loved it, but I almost fainted for some reason. Maybe just intense time on my feet. It was so enjoyable to help people though, especially people who are going to get better. I am about 200% sure I want to be a nurse at this point...people honestly don't give them enough credit. They go through so much to keep all of their patients comfortable and safe, and the doctors get all the glory. It's a sad system because I don't think people who are outside of the health care system really understand the role of a nurse, and I think those in the health care system take the nurses for granted. Honestly, I bet nurses could diagnose patients just as easily after a few years as doctors who went through med school because they interact with patients so much on a one to one basis.
So spring break. Minnesota for the weekend, then just working. I skipped out on the Klein Lab all week in favor of studying for tests, one of which went quite well the other of which I made an 8 point improvement over the last one, but still not even up to an AB. It's frustrating when you take those tests that don't test whether you studied or you know the material, but rather if you studied and remembered each sentence the professor said or wrote down. Frustrating stuff right there. Over the week, it's not really going to be a break at all because I have work all morning, then clinicals at night. On Wednesday (my only day off) I volunteer at the hospital anyway, but that's just another part of my week that I always look forward to anyway. Ah, busy.
I find myself thinking about disappointments a lot lately. I try really hard not to get by hopes up and excited about social things because they always disappoint me anyway. I see two types of people: those who get their expectations up so high they end up falling on their ass and those who expect nothing and are always pleasantly surprised when something goes well.
And of course as hard as I may try, I usually end up disappointed.

Wish we could rewind a year.

becca land

things are good here. busy constantly. need more sleep.

life is good.

wisconsin up in flames

what is up with this place lately? i'm considering moving to a different city for nursing now more seriously than pursuing Madison because people here can't see the err of their ways...everyone is right and no one sees the other side of it. ignorance never lead to less bliss.

Senators AWOL? Self righteous liberals and right-wingers? UW-Madison becoming privately funded? Seems all very political, but it trickles down socially too. People's beliefs are so...strong here, and a lot of them are founded in nothing but rumor and fitting in with one of two masses. it just bothers me. so much bothers me lately...


deep breaths. deep breaths.