I don't know why I've been in such a horrible mood lately. Today, I couldn't even work up the motivation to do homework.
I hate being one of those people who takes pity on herself and thinks that everything in her life is horrible. I'm not one of those people, or at least, I am trying my hardest not to be one of those people. My life, at it's core, is great. I have lots going for me.
But there is just this sadness that's beginning to creep in around the edges again lately. It's a real sadness and I can't shake it and it's been making my life pretty miserable. I wish I could just look on the bright side of everything and never complain, but I'm just not that good of a person.
I'm scared. I'm so scared primarily because my goals for my life are so different from everyone that I know...and the really frightening part is that a major part of my life plan/goal is that it hinges on one other person. That is NOT a good position to be in. I mean, I need one other person to build a loving family. When people set out in a career path, they only need to depend on themselves. But, I mean, I can achieve in school and I can get great grades and excel in school but never achieve what I want to with my life. That's a really scary thought, especially when I have such a scroogy attitude about life lately.
Another issue with this family building goal of mine is that I tend to just wait and hope and wish for him to come along. And that's not a way to be. That quickly turns to desperation and leads to a fragile heart. And I have a really bad habit of getting my heart broken because I want it to work out so badly, always. It's an issue.
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