you know you work at woodman's too much when...

I've been wanting to make a list of things I think about while I'm working at Woodman's, so here it goes.

First and foremost, I'd like to introduce the joke I made up today:

How did the generic butter feel as it sat near the brand name butter?

Margarine-alized

So that was big.

I spend a lot of my time (the majority, maybe?) trying to figure out which type of person each customer is: paper, plastic or reusable? Cash, check, food stamps?

I guess second most frequent thought is "oh, that looks good. i gotta get that after work."

I'll continue in list form:

-How long will this hell last? (___hours and ___minutes)

-When is my next break?

-Is that guy single?

note: I spend an unhealthy amount of time staring at wedding rings.

-I will probably never have the luxury of shopping for my own family.

note: thoughts become more deeply depressing the longer I stand there

-What do I have to do tonight?

-Please, please let this soda be diet (only applicable for extremely obese customers)

-How many people is this person shopping for?

-I wonder how many degrees of separation I am from this person?

-What else happened to these people today?

-Please say I can go back to grocery and stock shelves now.

-This pinny is really unflattering. And it's hot in here, too.

The whole time I'm there I basically have an inner monologue a la JD from Scrubs. It's constant, sometimes I digress into song in my head which becomes problematic because I start to forget stuff and become really spacey.

TOEFL ist der Teufel

That means TOEFL is the devil in German, I thought it was clever.
I registered Amina for the exam this morning ($165 from the US), finally, after a bunch of stressing out about it because the passwords were wrong and I locked myself out of the system and the automated phone operators were so crazily condescending. I feel bad for people who aren't born speaking English, the world is so tilted against them in every way I can think of. If you want any upward mobility in these developing countries, I feel as though you have to be dealt the right hand and go to a school where teaching English was a priority. I suppose that having an 'international language' so to speak is a positive overall, but I can't help but feel awful for those disadvantaged millions (billions?) who just don't have that chance. There are so many bright young people who just never have a chance to express themselves or their worldview, and we never think of it. Just never ever think of it. Well at least I don't really, call me ignorant.
You know, I know I'm not really one of those people who are all "be so gracious that you have running water" and "you live such a privileged life," but sometimes, and especially since I returned from Africa, I've just been happy. Happy that I was dealt this particular hand of cards, born into a first world country, arguably the country to make your future into what you desire, and into not only this country but this state, and to these parents, and ended up having this life.
So, after all that preachy crap I will continue to say that just because we lead privileged lives doesn't mean that problems aren't problems. Our lives (well, I can't really speak for all of you, so my life, then) are so complicated and stressful it's really hard not to get down sometimes and troubled and all that. Depressed and anxious. I feel that way often, especially with all this bad luck business in my family. But lately and I hope for the rest of my life, I really have been making a stronger effort to put all that shit to the side.
There are so many worse fates than being lonely on a Friday night because all your friends have significant others.
And that's that.

a walk on the spiritual side

I found out I'm going to Israel on the 17th of August. Yes, that's right, 4 continents in 8 months.

I have always really wanted to go to Israel because I feel like it will clarify so much for me. Spiritually, I mean. I always knew that I wanted to go and that it meant something significant to me, but today when I was reading the itinerary I was literally overcome by tears. Tears of relief and happiness and excitement and graciousness for someone believing in me enough to give me this life changing experience. Literally giving it to me. I'm going to Israel for free.

From people I know who have either lived in Israel or been there on there on birthright, I have heard that birthright people don't have the best reputation there. I think many people just use the trip as a vacation or to let loose or something. I feel like it's so different for me (if that is why a lot of people go); I'm taking this trip primarily for a very spiritual reason, I feel like it's something that I desperately need to do. I'm kind of intimidated by the brainwashy type programming, but at the same time I feel like I need to learn something. I need to be moved.

The group I'm going with is apparently from Boston, so that should be kind of interesting. I'm not exactly sure how I ended up in a group with these people, but maybe I'll have some random east coast connections by the end of all this. That would be a huge bonus to this whole endeavor.

For those of you interested in the Maxwell Street Days saga, it was kind of a bust today. The line at Urban Outfitters was pretty insane, so I didn't even stop by there. The other shops on State St. seem to be overruled by hippies or Indian sub-continent region shopkeepers who overcharge for really ugly clothing. I did end up picking up Season 2 of Mad Men (HELL YES) and The Social Network at the video store, buy one get one free. I was marginally bummed that someone had snatched up the other seasons before I got to the stand, and am still wondering why it was the second season that was left. What was wrong with Season 2??

Franz, Pineapple Upsidedown Cake, and Maxwell Street Days

After a scary weekend and a hectic week, I'm looking forward to this weekend. Well, at least Friday night after Woodman's through Sunday afternoon. Working on Friday nights at Woodman's is always a little depressing, but hopefully it won't be too awful because I think I'm scheduled to stock, so that won't be too bad.
Tomorrow is Maxwell Street Days, I'm pretty excited because I feel like I need new clothes, or at least to change out the clothes I have now. I just feel like I'm ready for a change, a big change. It's weird to me because I feel like I've really started looking on the positive ends of things and thinking more positively about myself and my world, which is huge for me. I think I've really always been one of those Debbie Downers, and what's helped me is just this newly found knowing-what-kinds-of-things-inspire-negativity-in-me acumen. I like avoiding them. It's healthier for me in the long run and the distance is doing me good.
Although...I must admit I do miss humans. It's gotten kind of lonely these past couple days, hopefully the weekend will clear that up. My mom and I have gotten pretty close though, so that's interesting. I actually answer like 4 of her texts a day now. We baked a couple pineapple upside down cakes yesterday, well, she baked them really, let's be honest. And then she sent an ENTIRE cake home with me to my apartment. It magically disappeared within like 18 hours. (jason?)
And, summer class started. It's nice because I feel like my life has this weird, easy purpose from 1-3:30 Mondays through Thursdays. It's nice although the lecture is exceedingly boring and I really don't need that class to fulfill any requirements. Whatever. Something to do.
For the fall, I've already started reading the books for my German lit class, (Kafka). I'm about 1/4 of the way through The Trial and it's so bizarre. It's like...1984 mixed with The Metamorphosis. Kafka is strange, for instead of thinking that I want to kill myself because life is pointless, all I can think is, why the hell was this guy thinking this? what is the point of this thought pattern about futility? I think that reasoning may get me in trouble come fall but I guess we'll see.
The weather here has been absolutely amazing. (Just to throw a completely random curve ball out there to y'all). The sky, always cut off by silhouettes of buildings, has had some really amazing clouds and colors, especially at sunset. Hopefully if I go to Devil's Lake this weekend I'll be able to see the stars!! I'm scared for the weekend though, supposed to be a heat wave (heat wave, heat wave). Actually it'll probably be more like a humidity wave. Wait a tick...that'd just be a regular wave, right?

strength

when i can't be strong and responsible anymore, who will be? who will tell my parents and my family that things will be okay? who will tell me that things will be okay? how will i keep myself occupied and feeling like i'm worth something to someone (even if that someone is me)? who will clean up little messes silently?

i feel like i've been through so many of these bad-news type situations, i just brace myself for bad news every time i talk to someone. i think it's some sort of defense mechanism that started when i was very young when my mother would regularly have to go into the hospital. i remember always thinking, 'please let it not be her, please let it not be her.' and for the past few years, i've been blessed with having to worry about her very little, she's been stable and save for the occasional slip-up pretty with-it. i still have that though, every time the phone rings and it's a family member or a random number all i think is, 'please let it not be her.' and lately i've extended the 'her' to every other person out there that i love because it seems like everywhere i look something is going wrong with my family and loved ones.

there have been few times in my life where the bad news was really, really bad. like, the person i love might not survive bad. but that news is the hardest, the kind of news where you have to prevent yourself from falling down by locking your knees with every muscle in your body. the kind of news where tears just start streaming and you can't do anything about it. the sinking feeling you get when someone says, "Now Rebecca, don't freak out but..."

Yesterday was the fourth of July...it was a nice day. I made Parmesan chicken on the grill which turned out pretty well. Also I threw a frisbee that landed in almost the right place.

I've had a rough couple days. I had a really bad experience on Sunday with that CNA job that I was just so happy to land. So excited to help someone and actually make a difference other than taking people's money in exchange for their groceries or making quasi-acceptable petri dishes for a laboratory where I understand very little of the science. But, as my life would go, it quickly turned into a nightmare. I felt shamed and humiliated, horrified and guilty. No one should make me feel that way. The worst of it is that I just can't manage to clear my head of the whole experience. I find myself hurrying up with asinine tasks and snapping at myself to go faster, that I'll never be a nurse if I can't go faster. I'm worried that I really fucked that lady up because she made me do things that no one with my qualifications should have been doing, and yelling that I wasn't going fast enough. I know that it's probably not my fault but it's just so hard for me to forget those emotions and let it go, so it's been really rough.

In other news, the preoccupation with my single life continues. Now each of my friends has found someone. Every single one without exception. And I know it really shouldn't be a big deal, but I feel because I've been put into this situation of being literally the only single person I interact with on a daily basis I think about it a lot. I hate going to functions stag because I feel this loneliness, but also this strange pressure to remedy a situation that I really don't want to "fix" right now. I feel this stupid pity from people because I feel like people go out of their way to talk with me and be friendly even though they have their significant other there. It humiliates me. And I feel stupid for thinking that.

It's crazy that I feel sorry for myself at moments like this. It's just childish and stupid and I have a great life. I love so many things about it and I'm ridiculous for making a blog post that suggested otherwise. I'm just whiny in the mornings maybe.