countdown

I've been basically consumed by this excitement, fear, introspection and all around mentally preparing myself for this trip.

It's scary!

you gotta wait a minute wait a minute oh yeah

waiting.

it's such a commonplace activity that i do so often...back to square one i am, i am. always waiting for the next thing, next chapter, new news, new people. i've been doing really well lately, time has been flying, but i'm still looking off into the horizon at the sunset, wishing and waiting for tomorrow. i can't believe it's already mid-way through april!

i got my passport today while checking the mail (once of four times today), newly endowed with a Kenyan entrance visa. There are lions on it. Sweet.

I can't handle mystery. I'm expecting a letter and it's driving me nuts. Absolutely insane...what could possibly be in this letter? I feel like i'm on an episode of This American Life:

"[Begin Ira Glass voice] Today on our show, a story in only one act. About a girl. A girl who's waiting for a letter from someone she'd waited literally months to hear from. But why is she thinking about this when her adventure of her youth is impending, only weeks away? Why does this one letter receive so much attention? What could it possibly contain? After the break, we examine life from her perspective this episode on This American Life. [end Ira Glass voice]"

kenya seems impossibly close. it seems like it's just some wish that i made up and now it's coming to fruition and i just can't think about it. i get overwhelmed by the thought of it, so much thinking involved. i find that so many people ask me why i'm going...and it's made me really examine myself and think about it because that is such a great question. why? honestly, i want to help people. i want to be motherly, caring, and helpful, and ultimately offer my support from my privileged background to those who are less fortunate than i am. why i can't do that here in the states? i guess it's just too small of a leap for me.

one thought that crosses my mind every night nowadays is how lovely my bed is. I love my comforter and the sheets and all the pillows i surround myself with...I know I'll miss it and yearn for it while I'm sleeping on some cot with a net around me listening to who knows what crawling around me.

It scares me, you know. I'm not fearless, but I put myself in these situations in which I force myself to push my limits, to test my boundaries, to discover my fears. It's not even a test of those around me and their attention or competition...it's for myself. I don't surprise myself anymore and I am not pushed or challenged by my life. I want to feel that challenge, feel the thrill of doing something that serves as a complete curveball to those around me before I get older and settle down. I always wanted to experience the world when I was growing up, I've always loved learning about places other than here...other than Madison. In second grade, I remember I'd always be so excited and enthusiastic when we'd have these passport days where we'd get to explore different 'countries' in other classrooms around the hallway. I loved those days. I think all this wanderlust might just stem from there.

A wise man once told me that I was the smart girl in the film "Taken." I don't know if I believe that. I believe that I am probably just the dumb girl who thinks about things, but might just get herself into an unfortunate situation and fall into some horrible nightmare that I can't escape from. But hey, these are just risks I [feel like I] have to take. And it will be worth it in the end.

[sparing some unfortunate contraction of aids, rabies or any other of a plethora of diseases unique to Africa. Also sparing my sale into a slavery ring or underground prostitution ring, rape or murder. some restrictions may apply.]

The Joke I Made up at the Library Tonight

Two lady plasmids are chatting, and one says to the other, "That restriction endonuclease last night was a real BAMF." The second replies, "Yeah, he was a shear pleasure to be around."

almost famous

Being famous must get highly annoying. It's probably a big rush at first--people lining up to comment on your twitpics or facebook updates, but it must get old. If you're someone like Zach Braff, it must get old to have people call you J.D. all the time or ask what you're thinking to yourself in there. I can only imagine how irritating it must be to have someone discredit all further work as never measuring up to the good old days. The pressure those people must feel to be in the public eye like that...it's respectable.

A worthy case is Donald Glover. I'm 150% positive that he's loving the attention, but what about when that wears away, when people get over this phase and he fades into oblivion...or what if he stays in the spotlight with less than stellar work? eh.

I guess what it really boils down to is...who the hell cares? Who cares what these people feel or think or that they can't get any privacy. For all we know they could have private accounts that only their personal friends have access to, which I guess kind of feeds into another discussion of if you are at that level of famous, how do you know that people like you for you and not for your fame?

For the record, I've been crushing on Donald Glover for like a year and a half now...longer than most people. #ilovedhimbeforehewasborn

of note:

rushi and i had parallel blog posts yesterday (mindfuck)
i don't like my layout anymore, time to change it
i'm going to kenya in a month
how i think has changed:
now: primarily thinking about other people/other people in relation to myself
then: depressing universe stuff
somethings never change
other things change too much right before your eyes
still love german
if people would just look out for each individual more often, this world would be better.
money and love lead people to do crazy shit.
wondering if everyone is really out for themselves
cliches aren't false and may not even be overused (an invention of aristocracy?)
lists are more fun for people to read than stream of consciousness
when i say 'people' i mean 25 year old me looking back on stupid 20 year old me
i really like running
city running>lake running IFF windy conditions
i also enjoy smoking cigarettes (on rare occasions)
while smoking cigarettes i judge people who smoke
a little.
flaming liberals simultaneously scare me and piss me off
flaming conservatives simultaneously piss me off and astound me
taking oral typhoid vaccine would make anyone feel special
losing the vote for president today in german club sucked.
VP is a better job
when i think now i often think in SOs and hashtags
wondering if i've gotten dumber or just think about practical things now
miss whining all the time a little
funny how when everything's going well, one thing isn't
i wonder if that's the way the world will always work
as in: we're paying a price for all this technological advancement (end of days)
my bed is ultra comfortable
puns make me extremely happy
people think too much about things
planning usually backfires
applying topics learned in class to everyday situations is helpful
it should be easy to talk to friends
wondering what other people think about while they walk
wish i could remember what i think about when i walk
stopped writing in a planner...memory issues already ensuing
articulate people do better
rushi should apply to j school
3.00am is soo fucking late
can't stop obsessing about the 5-7 units of working memory
feel like i'm always forgetting something
(does everyone always feel that way?)
wondering if i'll ever grasp how lucky i am
wish people would stop looking down on nurses
wish i knew more about other people (and pretty much everything)
if i could i would never sleep
eyelids are droopy
wish i knew other people as well as i know my best friends
generally pretentious: music snobs, subscribers of fashion, people who are born
into a LOT of money, others.


MUST SLEEP: DELIRIOUS

never let me go

i really loved that book, you know. and the movie is good, too, but they both really shook me up. all i feel lately is this great sense of futility, as if nothing i've done or can do has an impact on much.


in every situation, really. i mean, school, family, romance, friends, bad choices/good choices, drugs, alcohol....

it's the same no matter what, i feel as if i would be the same no matter what.

no matter what.