that one thing that you want to do but don't

Do you ever want to do something so badly you can imagine yourself doing it, but you can't actually do it? Like, sometimes I want to say things so bad I imagine that I actually said them, but never did. Which is frustrating, and with this particular personality trait, it quickly gets hard to keep track of what I actually said versus what I just thought I might possibly have said.

Today, I heard via Sarah's blog that this kid I went to school with committed suicide. That's scary. It's scary to me because I just saw him this summer. That's so recently. To commit suicide you have to be somewhat brave. I mean, I've known several people who have attempted suicide, but that I often feel is a cry for attention, or help. To actually commit suicide takes determination; it's acting against your own reflexes. It's scary to believe that life is that hard for some people. Maybe the key to keep from falling into the same fate is to keep it all in perspective.
I think one of the most likely reasons that people commit suicide is that they feel they have no one to turn to. My goal, I guess, in life, is to always be there for people to turn to. I really don't want anyone I know to feel like they have no one who cares about them, because I know what that feels like and it's tough. I mean, I don't know if there is a large amount of truth in that I had absolutely nowhere to turn when life gave me lemons, but I have in the past felt and still oftentimes feel very startlingly alone. I think having people to care for you and you being able to let your walls come down around someone is extremely important. I hope I can be one of those people for the people I care about.

Right now, my life is mainly being consumed by two emotions: dread (of school and responsibility in general) and hope. I just hope for everything to be better than it is (not that my life is terrible or anything).

I've been listening to Kanye West heavily recently. I think he works well for me because I am the antithesis of Kanye West. He is self confident, successful, comfortable with himself completely, emotive, exciting, black, he respects his mother more than life, he's creative, talented musically, kind of a douchebag...many things I am not. When I listen to his music, I feel like I'm making up for the things I lack. And it makes me feel good, and also kind of badass.