winning blackjack

i got to 21. i survived the weekend after i turned 21 too, which is really saying something. my birthday was amazing, i had a great time out at the bars with friends, and even in the last couple hours i learned a lot about the people who actually care about me (special love goes out to sarah, shaina, dhanze and my dad, and sarah's mom too while I'm at it). I'm fine, I survived and learned a couple valuable life lessons that I've learned before, but I guess it was nice to get a little refresher.
Friday night I went out with Jerry, which was a great time. We went to the Willy Street bars, they were interesting and it was fun just to spend some one-on-one time with him. I love people watching in bars, I think that's the new gold that comes with this whole, old enough to drink business. Just watching the ridiculousness unfold.
Last night, I had a gathering here until midnight at which time we took Janet out for her inaugural birthday drink at Wando's. I hate Wando's. Honestly, it's like 3 floors of douchebaggery and overpriced drinks. (also, like the badass that I am, I got kicked out of there on Thursday night, so that was cool). It's nice that Janet is 21+ now, so we will have a groovy time learning about all the local bars and finding our favorites. So far, I'm digging the Blue Velvet as my first choice and coming in at a close second is Paul's. (There's a tree in there!)

One thing that really did get to me this weekend, however, was the very inappropriate behavior of one of my friends. I think friends should be loyal, considerate, should watch out for you, be concerned and careful.

what an asshole. (to be said in Woody Allen's tone in Annie Hall)

Basically, what this leads to is: I need to be alone. I need to recluse like my usual self and slip back into the lifestyle I like best. I'm excited to move home because it will be easier for me to make the transition. In addition, Sarah's leaving so that will make things easier too. I miss her so much already and smeared my mime makeup when I cried after I realized she was leaving today. Some people are just people that click and stick. She's one.

the time in your life where you learn (?)

so, i realize/think about often that college is this pretentious limbo where students learn things that will 'help them pursue later careers' etc. but really, all's we learn are these really heady conceptual lessons that are applicable in thought only. or at least, that's the lion share of what we learn. like, for instance, tragedy of the commons. interesting to learn about, staple of many classes, completely useless except as a thought exercise. or organic chemistry. or a cursory look at physiology. anyone who's going to actually need to know any of those concepts will be reintroduced (time and time again) to the salient concepts. or statistics: great for interpreting things you'll see later in schooling, useless except for what you actually need to know and will doubtlessly be introduced to again in your post-graduate school career.
there are those useful subjects that will be the only time you'll learn something and will use it over and over again...but i think that's probably isolated and maybe only in one lecture of a whole semester of heady talking.
(okay, i do have to amend this to reflect something i learned in my nursing class that was actually super informative and useful: how to read my insurance policy and know what is and isn't covered...one of the most useful, applicable things i think i've ever learned in school)
seriously, how many people actually do what they learn how to do in undergrad as a career? i mean, nursing, sure, i mean is technically an undergrad degree, but i'll (re)learn everything i actually need to apply later in my schooling when i'm actually in the nursing school.
whatever. maybe college is that time when you're supposed to learn how to write. i certainly haven't learned that yet. or how to juggle social and professional life. on the whole, i'd say college is way more about out of classroom experience than in. but i think the issue with that, going backwards, is that you really have to sculpt and create the lessons outside the classroom; explore the world around you more than just going to class, and that's all in your hands...no one tells you how or why or what you should be doing.
which is why i'm seriously considering being a flight attendant. i'd use my german degree and could put my nursing degree on hold...lufthansa is hiring...
if i don't get into nursing school (totally plausible).

portrait of a good mood

Things you probably shouldn't have done when you were young:
    excuse the double negatives.

• made out through that concert
• not listened to more genres of music
• slept in your contacts
• not "gone for it"
• flirted too lightly
• stayed in and wrote that paper
• stressed out so much
• looked forward to being older
• focused on self-conciousness
• cared what other people thought
• second guessed yourself
• worked so much
• spent all your money on restaurants
• worn your glasses so much
• thought about your ex-s.o.
• wasted the day inside
• told off your parents

List terminus.

So it's October, and it's fantastic, as always. I feel like my bad mood frequency dips really low through the whole month...I'm not actually this jolly. School work is piling up, but fun is too! (Cliche ftw!) I want to get to a pumpkin patch and a corn maze...hopefully next weekend after I work at Woodman's. Also, for some reason, I'm just pleased without being overly analytical. A first in a long time. Seriously and repeated for the umteenth time, life is so much better when enjoyed without worrying so damn much.
Sarah's home!! I saw her and Indica today on my lunch break. I was so happy it was almost embarrassing. I kept telling my bagger that Sarah was coming and she was almost as excited as I was by the time she got there. It was really nice seeing her, but kind of hard realizing that she had other people to see and places to go than just spending every waking moment with me. We just sat in her car with her puppy. I gotta start carrying my actual camera around again, and not just my phone. But these pictures will do for a start.

Other things that have been happening in the realm of becca...my birthday! I'm not usually this excited (lies) but Jason the Seattlian is coming, too! There will be alcohol! I will be legally able to drink! Enough. Jolliness is just happening right now thinking about it (not the drinking, really, just all the excitement that comes with a birthday). My grandma is taking me out for a lunch drink, so I'm also looking forward to that because we've been talking about it for a good 11 years, it's about time.

Finally finished all the Harry Potter books and watched a couple of the movies. I now remember why I didn't want to watch the movies in the first place; they completely edit your memory of the book and the characters, they alter your perception of how the they conduct themselves and what the setting looks like. I prefer my imagination (but I do enjoy watching Tom Felton and that Rupert Grint guy). I feel like the movies especially ruined the idea of a patronus for me, I have such a clear image of what they're supposed to look like, but it has been getting marred every second since I set my eyes on the director's version of them. I hate that. That's why I never saw the Time Traveler's Wife, and never will.

Alright, time to close this thing up. Hope everyone's weekend is going well, enjoy Sunday (in truth, no one ever does. Sundays are far worse than Mondays because of the whole sense of foreboding thing. Fuck Sundays.)

sub-let me go

Today a potential subletter looked at our apartment...not only did my self-deprecating alter ego rear her ugly head, but I realized how much I'm going to miss this place.
This has been my first solo-home. I mean, from when I was two years old until I moved into this apartment I always had two "homes," but when I moved in here, I honestly just had ONE home. One place where all my stuff was. That's sad. Germany is just temporary so it will be another almost year before I have my own home again.
Anyway, the guy was pretty chill. He was older than us, but really buff and apparently gets up every morning at 5:30 to go to the gym, and goes to work way out by the interstate. I hope he sublets it, I'm beginning to worry that the un-sublet-able-ness of my apartment will prevent me from going to Germany. We can't have that, can we?

The change in the wind has me worried. Today I'm fairly sure the sun didn't even peek out a little, and it's so gloomy outside. Hope it looks up.

rose colored glasses

It's not that we always see something from old times and think that it was positively the best time of our life, but it always seems as though whatever happened in the past, looking back on it now, seemed much more romantic/significant/devastating than it was in the present. In the now, we're all filled with doubt and worry and other emotions that just won't be stifled by the moment. Looking back on them, they always feel different and more severe. Is it that we have a clearer head with which to think through these social exchanges or adventures or other memorable memories (redundancy or pun? you be the judge)? Is it that our heads are filled with other and more/less pertinent information than they were at the moment we're reliving? Are our brains just not that great at remembering and therefore fill in those not so pleasant memory bricks with a mortar of projection?

The strange thing for me is, yes, I've always heard about romanticizing the past, and of course I fall victim to that (okay, let's be honest, that first kiss wasn't so great, but now looking back on it it was incredible) but I also fall victim more often to creating the past in my head a great deal worse than it really was. Like, wow, that person probably thinks I'm ridiculous and ditzy now that I made that one comment, when honestly the other person in question probably didn't even notice what you were babbling on about in the first place. Or maybe that's just me being ridiculous.

And then there's the girl thing. The I'm-going-to-pick-apart-every-action-and-reaction-and-determine-what-it-really-means trap that when you fall into it, it's so hard to pry yourself away from that irrational mindset that it's almost painful. But honestly those little interchanges have such little significance it's inconceivable and by analyzing it like that you're (I'm) doing more harm than good. Actually, I'm doing no good whatsoever, but yet, I do it. And so do 75% of girls. Or at least, that's my ballpark estimation, I guess it's probably fairly inaccurate, but we'll go with it.

Anyway, October is still amazing. There's something heartwarming and warm in general about October. Warmer than September. I just want to bask in the last shreds of warmth and forgo the stress of my life before the sun all but disappears from my life for 8 months and I'm forced to come to terms with reality.

Well that was pretentious as all fuck.

focus pocus

I have no focus. I have so many tests to study for and freak out about I'm going to lose my mind...but, alas, I do not think of these things. Those damn consequences are heavily outweighed by the time I am spending NOT doing my schoolwork.
Also, I totally overestimate my abilities and underestimate the amount of coursework I have, so that helps things.
Lots of drama in my life lately ("lots" being a relative term meaning a little more than none) so that's been entertaining. It's nice to get out and do social stuff, even if it means waking up and going to class with a hangover once (maybe twice, I will be enjoying my first legal drink in less than one month). Experiences that will never be socially acceptable again at any other point in my life: that.


Also, today's the first day of my favorite month! Let the good times (and the pumpkins) roll.