...open doors!

So...after the third interview, I did, in fact, land a FANTASTIC job as a Resident Care Coordinator. At a privately funded Assisted Living Community (and Independent 55 and older Community) ten minutes (BY FOOT!) from my front door. Maybe closed doors really are just a way for life to tell you to open a window. I really can't imagine my good fortune, I got to quit my (not so) lovely cocktail waitressing job and am now working an administrative role in one of the more prestigious facilities in the area. Today I went to a Forum for families to come and talk with the staff and leaders in the community there, which was not only informative but also inspiring. It was so...reassuring to go to a meeting where they were discussing matching families up with resources in the community, namely, funding resources. It was amazing to be part of something that not only took care of patients on their worst days, but also followed them and helped them be healthy in between the check-ups and doctor's visits. And helping those families...and just watching the families caring for their parents, aunts and uncles. I felt like I was really doing something (or learning to do something!) to help. It was a great day.


In other news, I'm graduating THIS WEEK. I picked up my cap and gown today. And my red stole. And my Germany stole. And I got butterflies because I'm no longer going to be a student! I'm going to have to pay to buy beer at the Union (totally worth the lifetime membership, I must say).

And, in other other news, Marco is coming in two and a half weeks! I'm soo looking forward to that. We're going to camp in Yellowstone and the Badlands, but I'm having trouble reserving a campsite. Any suggestions??

closed doors

Two interviews and no jobs later, I'm feeling kind of crappy about myself. No, really crappy about myself. I'm going to work as a waitress all summer. And as a construction girl.

Someone recently told me that closed opportunities were usually just creations of new and better ones. I'm not sure if that's true...although maybe it is. If I get this visa next week (which I am crossing my fingers hard for) then maybe it's just the universe's way of telling me to enjoy my last summer in the US for a while. I hope that's what it is.

The worst part is that I don't even know what I did wrong. I had a good feeling after the interview and I don't know how I could've improved. The lady said the competition was really tough, but honestly, can it be that tough?? They were two other nursing students! There were only three of us! This means I couldn't even beat out one person. Not even one. That's just depressing.

Things have been hectic lately, I had a presentation and a project due yesterday (on a Monday! the world is cruel insanity). I'm on the home stretch, only three more weeks of class. Ever. It's a scary, but exciting world out there post-grad. crazy.

If I don't get this visa for next year (knock on very nice expensive rare cherry wood) I'm going to take out loans, quit my jobs and just go travel. Just go (obviously to places other than Europe). Worry about it later, come back and apply for a job as a nurse somewhere attainable, in a rural hospital. Live my life and try not to let the disappointment melt my spirit and destroy it. Maybe I'll get a dog.

The sad part, is with my luck I can see that happening. Lately I've been thinking a lot about the phrase 'if you don't like what they're saying, then change the conversation.' With my life. Instead of competing in the nursing field, I'm just flipping it up and doing something completely different and moving to Germany. Instead of trying to get a visa (which I'm terrified for, this streak of not getting what I want is scary!) and fighting a decision, I'll just go do something completely different. That's me. That's just how I am. Instead of doing things I don't enjoy, I just flip it on it's head and do something completely different. I don't know if that's a strength or a weakness...but for me it's kind of a fact. I have too much pride to not succeed in things, and if I can't succeed at something I care about I just...find something that I can succeed at. That's not really a good thing, typing it out like that, I suppose.

Now that I look at that paragraph and really analyze it, it's only true for professional endeavors. In social situations, I'll go out of my way to make things work and not give up on people or relationships for years. I wonder if that's the delicate balance I walk...and if that says something about where my priorities lie. And again the conversation changes--I wish what I wanted wasn't so dependent on other people.

So now...after all that psychobabble...I'm still sitting in a car place, waiting for tires and brakes. Thoughts can alter and distort reality so much, sometimes I forget that.

the first day

So, I'm sitting here at the Health Sciences Learning Center after my first morning working/shadowing up on the Oncology Floor at the University Hospital. It was a really interesting experience, which I will try to sum up here in thoughts and actual events. So. Here's how it went:

I woke up at 5am (heeeyyyy it's still pitch black, are you kidding me?!) shivering and kind of just accepted my fate, hopped in the shower, and got ready in record time to leave the house. The bike ride to the hospital was interesting, cloaked in a stylish UW Nursing School Uniform, I kept worrying that I would fall and eat cement, ruining my bleach white scrub top. Luckily, I made it all the way to the floor relatively problem free. When we arrived, we received our assignments, the first hour we followed around a nursing assistant (which I am technically licensed to do, so it was no new exciting experience, but a nice ease in to the rest of the morning). One challenging part of shadowing the Nurse's Aide was knowing that I am going shortly going to be in a position that is above her even though she was so much older an more experienced than I feel right now. It was weird because when we asked her questions about passing meds or some of the technology around the ward, she really had no idea because that wasn't in her scope of practice. It was nerve wracking knowing that I will have more responsibility than someone and will be responsible for bossing people around at some point in the very, very near future. Especially people who are older than me...it shows I'm going to have to have some authority and really know what I'm talking about in these situations. I should probably start studying more.

Anyway, after following around the NA for the first part, we switched to shadowing an RN, my potential future career. She was passing medicines, which was really interesting to watch. She was so knowledgeable about all of the meds she was giving and knew so much about her patient's dispositions...she knew how they would react to taking the medicines, who was a nice patient, who was grumpy...and she had all these tricks to help her patients feel special and unique even though her world was so complicated and she had so many patients to take care of. I want to be that type of person, the warm, caring person that makes each patient feel loved and taken care of, safe and trusting. It's really inspiring, especially when we would go into rooms that she would preface with: "this one isn't looking so good...the cancer has basically spread to his whole body" or "this family is going through a lot right now" or "he really wants to go home today, but we don't know if it'd be such a good idea." She had the perfect balance of not being too invested in these people's lives that she was going to get hurt, but still careful and warm to the patients and their families. I can't say enough about that.
So after some debriefing and charting practice (it's surprising how much of nursing is just knowing what and how to write things on charts for patients for other people to read and understand without having too much information or too little...) I'm sitting here waiting for my afternoon clinic, which I'll be visiting the Infusion Clinic. I'm not quite sure what that's about yet, but I will keep you all updated should anyone want to know.

I'm loving this job. Sometimes I get scared that I'm not doing enough to keep up. I feel like I've become a more average student since returning from Germany...I tend to put off doing work and just don't do extra work at all...which needs to change. I want to excel and be passionate and knowledgeable just like the other nurses. I have aspirations! I need to get my head in the game. One thing I've been working on more is focus. Do you have have those days where you just feel like you are somewhere else mentally? I need to actually have my head where I am, which I think will be helped out a lot once I get this whole internship stuff figured out for next summer. Things are looking good, the e-mail stuff and actual work in German should be greatly decreased for now. I'm literally still counting days though. I just want to go back...it's been weird since I've been home, this whole month. I feel like I had some weird switch go off in my brain and now I just try to fill my life with as much German stuff as I can so I can keep it all from slipping right through my fingers. I don't want to be the German obsessed girl here, but I am. It'll fix itself soon...things will balance out, but for now, the small things like blasting Peter Fox and CRo in my car make me happy, the big things like keeping in contact with my friends from Europe make me really happy, and connecting with other people in Madison also affiliated with Germany are nice additions to this school year. Being on a different continent also affected the way I deal with my family, which is an interesting side effect I didn't expect. I think it's improved many things about my outlook on that kind of stuff too.

Wednesday was a terrible day to learn from; among other terrible things, I lost my keys, had a little stress breakdown, and felt so crappy. Some days are like that though, I suppose. It feels good to be on the upswing of that, yesterday I FOUND my keys on my way to test drive cars for fun (buy Volkswagens, people!!) I try to keep positive and am just waiting for the next stress wave to roll over me and make me that much stronger.

I'm still hungry after 2 granola bars, an apple, and a sandwich. Metabolism problems or just legit super hungry? you be the judge.

mid-November

November is one of those depressing months...like March. Ever since my recovery, I have been taking very poor care of my body...(living hedonistically). I don't know if I blogged about this before, but if not, I'm covering my bases. I am a firm believer that my body is really only a vessel for my brain to be carried around in. That's all I really wanted to say about that.
I went back to the apartment for the first time in a week or so today. It was freezing, the hallway smelled like burnt vagina, but the apartment itself felt home-y enough. Found out I'm not moving back to the house officially until January, takes some stress off before finals, I suppose. (are they really only a few weeks away already?) My crystal ball says I'll probably be living mostly from home very shortly, as the food is free, the bed is warm and filled with cats and the internet is faster. And there's no blaring music every single night, gotta love the 'burbs.
Campus takes on this seriousness this time of year. Kids get real right around now...start remembering that school is extant and has serious consequences for your future. My classes are hard and I'm just not ready to work that hard, so I guess I don't feel so much a part of that as I have in the past.
For a long time I whole heartedly believed I was going to Colorado next week for Thanksgiving, but I am not. I am going to Fort Lauderdale (THANK GOD) because it's warm down there. Florida is like my second home anyway, I really should just suck it up and move there for my last two years of college. That was one of my college-age goals (albeit it was working for Disney, but that's just not going to happen). But I could theoretically purchase a Florida resident annual pass which would be just as good (if not better) in my books. Then the magic wouldn't be ruined. Who knows, but I'm seriously considering it, as I hate the winter and the cold and the ice and the snow and the miserable gray skies that only allow the sun to peek out for 20 minutes every day (and it's still in the 50's here...bad sign for the coming months).
Anyway, stress will ensue for the next few days, I wrote one paper today (only 3 pages) have another due on Friday (only 3 pages) and one due next Tuesday which I should finish promptly. I have a stats project and a quiz on Thursday...and then it's off to the homeland.

this is the bad mood that never ends

I don't know why I've been in such a horrible mood lately. Today, I couldn't even work up the motivation to do homework.

I hate being one of those people who takes pity on herself and thinks that everything in her life is horrible. I'm not one of those people, or at least, I am trying my hardest not to be one of those people. My life, at it's core, is great. I have lots going for me.

But there is just this sadness that's beginning to creep in around the edges again lately. It's a real sadness and I can't shake it and it's been making my life pretty miserable. I wish I could just look on the bright side of everything and never complain, but I'm just not that good of a person.

I'm scared. I'm so scared primarily because my goals for my life are so different from everyone that I know...and the really frightening part is that a major part of my life plan/goal is that it hinges on one other person. That is NOT a good position to be in. I mean, I need one other person to build a loving family. When people set out in a career path, they only need to depend on themselves. But, I mean, I can achieve in school and I can get great grades and excel in school but never achieve what I want to with my life. That's a really scary thought, especially when I have such a scroogy attitude about life lately.

Another issue with this family building goal of mine is that I tend to just wait and hope and wish for him to come along. And that's not a way to be. That quickly turns to desperation and leads to a fragile heart. And I have a really bad habit of getting my heart broken because I want it to work out so badly, always. It's an issue.