closed doors

Two interviews and no jobs later, I'm feeling kind of crappy about myself. No, really crappy about myself. I'm going to work as a waitress all summer. And as a construction girl.

Someone recently told me that closed opportunities were usually just creations of new and better ones. I'm not sure if that's true...although maybe it is. If I get this visa next week (which I am crossing my fingers hard for) then maybe it's just the universe's way of telling me to enjoy my last summer in the US for a while. I hope that's what it is.

The worst part is that I don't even know what I did wrong. I had a good feeling after the interview and I don't know how I could've improved. The lady said the competition was really tough, but honestly, can it be that tough?? They were two other nursing students! There were only three of us! This means I couldn't even beat out one person. Not even one. That's just depressing.

Things have been hectic lately, I had a presentation and a project due yesterday (on a Monday! the world is cruel insanity). I'm on the home stretch, only three more weeks of class. Ever. It's a scary, but exciting world out there post-grad. crazy.

If I don't get this visa for next year (knock on very nice expensive rare cherry wood) I'm going to take out loans, quit my jobs and just go travel. Just go (obviously to places other than Europe). Worry about it later, come back and apply for a job as a nurse somewhere attainable, in a rural hospital. Live my life and try not to let the disappointment melt my spirit and destroy it. Maybe I'll get a dog.

The sad part, is with my luck I can see that happening. Lately I've been thinking a lot about the phrase 'if you don't like what they're saying, then change the conversation.' With my life. Instead of competing in the nursing field, I'm just flipping it up and doing something completely different and moving to Germany. Instead of trying to get a visa (which I'm terrified for, this streak of not getting what I want is scary!) and fighting a decision, I'll just go do something completely different. That's me. That's just how I am. Instead of doing things I don't enjoy, I just flip it on it's head and do something completely different. I don't know if that's a strength or a weakness...but for me it's kind of a fact. I have too much pride to not succeed in things, and if I can't succeed at something I care about I just...find something that I can succeed at. That's not really a good thing, typing it out like that, I suppose.

Now that I look at that paragraph and really analyze it, it's only true for professional endeavors. In social situations, I'll go out of my way to make things work and not give up on people or relationships for years. I wonder if that's the delicate balance I walk...and if that says something about where my priorities lie. And again the conversation changes--I wish what I wanted wasn't so dependent on other people.

So now...after all that psychobabble...I'm still sitting in a car place, waiting for tires and brakes. Thoughts can alter and distort reality so much, sometimes I forget that.

crumbling

Sometimes I wonder how normal girls in nursing school live. I wonder about those people that wake up in the mornings and shower, put foundation on, and blow dry their hair. I wonder what they think about as they pull on all their winter gear and head out the door to bike to class. I wonder what they think about as they sit there and pay attention without letting their mind wander across an ocean. I wonder what happens at lunch when they chat with all their friends about their school work, their boyfriends, they're super diets to save up the calories for Thanksgiving. I wonder what they do after school, do they go to the library to actually read the assigned chapters? Do they read extra, above and beyond what's required for the quizzes? After studying, do they go home to their friends and boyfriends and do fun things? Do they work sometimes? Do they call their parents? Do they go to the gym?

I feel so alienated from normalcy lately. I feel like I've (surprise surprise) been thrust into that corner of grown-up responsibility compounded by many too many previous responsibilities that just seem to grow like insatiable raccoons hiding in the garbage cans outside my window. Yep, I think they're out there, I hear rustling sometimes. Raccoons, if you're reading, kindly leave our backyard.

When I read back on what I think normal people do, I guess it's not so far from what I do usually, except for the constantly thinking about escaping this place and worrying that I'm going to die or my family is going to die. I feel like my hypochondria is waning lately...replaced with constant worry about my mom. I guess I've never really been confronted by someone dying before. Or possibly dying. I tried to keep that thought at the very, very back of my mind. Tried to keep my chin up. I convinced myself that my mom will survive this, obviously, there's very little risk here. When I hear the risks, I just kind of assume that she'll be in the upward swing of that statistic, that death won't find her after she's run so feistily after all these years. But I guess the truth of the matter is that there is a very real and scary chance that I could lose my mother really soon. That she won't respond very well to the chemo and it will kill her faster than the cancer would have. I don't know how to think of that. I guess it's like trying to imagine a googolplex things...unfathomable basically. I'm not sure how I would take it. I guess the chances of my outliving my mom are pretty reasonable, so I'm not sure how I will take it. I have this grand plan that if that happens, I'm just going to uproot and forget my life here. Just start over. Take it as a sign of being free to do what I want.

I'm so confused and trying to stay strong to show everyone else that it will be okay too. I was doing a great job, and I hope to still be, but is it at the cost of reality? At the cost of accepting my mothers mortality?

never let me go

i really loved that book, you know. and the movie is good, too, but they both really shook me up. all i feel lately is this great sense of futility, as if nothing i've done or can do has an impact on much.


in every situation, really. i mean, school, family, romance, friends, bad choices/good choices, drugs, alcohol....

it's the same no matter what, i feel as if i would be the same no matter what.

no matter what.

the dream

i know this is a weird forum to share a dream like this, but here it goes.

it's recurring, and it's been happening for about a week now, ever since i saw that baby in the peds ward last wednesday.
i guess it's pertinent information that i want to be a mother and it's scary the thought that that dream can be taken away for so many reasons. or that i won't be a good one.
it always worries me when babies squirm in my arms because i feel like i'm not good enough to hold them or they don't like me. i'm scared my own children will feel that way too.

so, it starts with me being given someone's baby, who isn't well. he's premature and tiny. i never really see his face. they tell me that they need time away from him, they need time for themselves. they hand him to me and he immediately begins to squirm as if he doesn't like my touch. he calms down, but i fear i'm using too much force on the delicate bundle in my arms. i take the baby away, and the details get foggy at this point. he's so small and i'm scared to take him anywhere too dangerous, but for some reason i think if he's happy, he'll get better and be healthy and things will be better. so, of course, i take him to disney world which seems so insane to me right now, when i'm not dreaming, to take such an ill child to such a busy place. but anyway, i take him, and i guard the little bundle with my heart and soul. now the dream gets frantic. he needs his diaper changed, and in my dream they provide free diapers near the bathrooms, so i go to get one, but somehow i leave him, just abandon him in some sort of excitement. i need to get something from the bathroom and get back to where i left him in a huge rush, and this woman comes up to me with my bundle, where i can see the pink of his little malleable head covered by a thin blanket with a sizable dent in it and she says, 'oh, i'm sorry, was this yours?'

and i just wake up panting and scared and sad.