organics

Well, after a two year hiatus, I'm back and blogging! Ok, back to my college ways.

I guess I'll just rationalise it by saying that I wasn't actually IN school for a year and a half and blogging just doesn't work as well when you're not procrastinating on something you should be doing.

A rather fast recap of what's going on with my life:

I'm living in Germany now. I successfully uprooted and replanted in September 2014, worked as an Au Pair for a hellish year in which my mother died, my dad got married, I went to Greece, and I was randomly accepted to medical school in Bonn (on a whim). It was a big year. And a hard year.

So now I'm back in full student mode, in a new country, studying something more intense than I've never studied before. I'm older now, 25, and it's not as easy as the first time around. Or maybe it's a language thing. Whatever it is, learning stuff about medicine is hard.

The university system in Germany is quite different from ours back in the States. All grades are based on one exam at the end of the semester (sometimes also at the beginning of the next). You can take a test for a class you never attended. You basically are your own....is what I'm figuring out. They use this "sink or swim" tactic, and if you don't teach yourself the material on your own time, you fail. Unique to medicine though, (thankfully) is that we don't get grades. Everything is purely pass/fail, which is helpful. I thought, yeah, 60%, easy smeazy. Nooooo. It's not. Try remembering every sulcus and tuberculum and ligament and what they do and how they can get hurt. A whole semester worth of only BONES and I can barely manage to get 60%. Next up on the challenge list is organic chemistry (which I stupidly never took in the US). That exam is on Friday and I'm pretty behind because it's just SO MUCH. And it's super tailored toward medicine so it's like an overview of the important things and then they dropped right into biochemistry with amino acids and DNA. It's just a lot. On the bright side, I learned so much by myself and it really gives me something to be proud of, where as in the US it's more like I feel like I had been "taught" so much and the sense of accomplishment wasn't as high I think.

So that's what's going on. What's coming up?

After the embryology and chemistry exams this week, I'm flying to Madrid to meet up with my dad on Saturday. I'm really looking forward to seeing him...and maybe working on my Spanish? I would love to learn Spanish! Marco and I started on Narcos last night on Netflix and it just made me want to be able to speak Spanish SO BAD.

Anyway, after that, at the beginning of March, I'm embarking on my next adventure to Vietnam. I'm heading over there with Marco, Maja and Nick. I'm pretty excited but a bit nervous about the budget. As a non-working full-time medical student living abroad the finance situation is a bit tight. I booked those tickets nervously and thought, yeah, until then I can find a job...but unfortunately learning all this stuff takes a bit more time up than I would've expected which doesn't leave a lot of time for employment. Ah, c'est la vie. You're only young once.

And then it all starts up again in April: this time with developmental neurobiology, physics lab, biochemistry, and histology. (And maybe more? Stay tuned to find out!)

Alright, I think it's time to get back to peptide bonding and kinetics. But this was therapeutic. Maybe I'll try to get back into the groove...

2013 in Photos

2013 wasn't a year for blog posts, but I did take a lot of pictures...so there's that. 

boah

This past week has been amazing. I was present at two more births after the first, and then got to go home early yesterday because there was nothing to do. :) One was a vacuum birth, which was rather traumatic and the other also wasn't the most 'beautiful' birth...the hebammen promise me that I'll get to see a pretty birth soon though. I think they do it really naturally as it is, but apparently it gets even more natural than this (and it usually is!)

Yesterday was Maja's birthday and I drank waaaaay too much. I only get two days free, and today I was in bed until 2 pm. Just what I needed. :) But it was reallllly embarrassing last night and I made a pretty large fool of myself. Ah, well, alcohol will do that to your inhibitions...just snatch 'em right up from under you.

Things I'm noticing about Germany: The smell. Germany smells like Germany. It's a mixture of cologne (which EVERYONE wears here--doctors, nurses, midwives, people in the subway, my friends), bread, rain, and something that's just indescribably Germany. I can smell it in my clothes, in the air...and I smile whenever I smell it. I love it. What I don't love so much about this whole time in Germany is how much I'm working. It's a lot. I suppose I'll get used to it, but I'm really wiped out and it makes my social life a little hard because I can never stay out past midnight. I think that will change though because sometimes I'll have Spätdienst (the PM shift) and sometimes I'll have Nachts (Nights). It's interesting because in America healthcare workers (for the most part) stay on their shift and all earn shift differentials. For instance, if you work a PM, you'll get an extra 10% or something per hour. And nights you usually make much more. Here, in this socialized health care crazy world, every midwife works all shifts all the time. It's just the unluky draw when. To me it seems really crazy, but when you think about where it's coming from, it makes a lot of sense.

Tonight is the football game of the year---two German teams battling it out in London for the Champion's League. I'm going over to Marc's to watch it with his friends. Today I went to Entwicklungs Tag (Development Day) in Bonn, which was super cool. There were a bunch of NGOs and Maja was there representing CARE. CARE was the organization that had originally sent care packages to the people in war torn Europe after WWII, and she said it was really cool because she met people who had received the packages as children. That is so cool!

Bonn is really cold today, and I need to leave. I'm pretty tired. This game will go late too... >:(

anfang

So: I guess I'm already on day 3 here in Germany...it's hard to believe how fast the time flies. I got here Friday after a long and ridiculous flight. I arrived super early in the morning to find Maja, the best, waiting for me with a very cool sign (I wanted to take a picture, but I didn't, and now my back hurts and I'm just too lazy to get up). We picked up the key to my new boss apartment. The house is located in a really swanky area of Bonn, where apparently a lot of rich people live. It's really close to a bus station.  I live on third floor with a slightly odd roommate named Sebastian. He is studying law at the University and apparently just broke up with his girlfriend of 6 years. It's kind of an odd living situation I have to say but I'm pretty happy with my room as of yet. Maja, Aleks and I went to Ikea yesterday and got some stuff for it: I bought mirrors, and then installed them last night (too far apart from one another, but they'll do), a lamp, and other assorted necessities. I also bought a sheet for this quasi bed that I have (it's actually not so uncomfortable, but I think I really broke my back yesterday carrying all the stuff back from Ikea across the city).

After picking up the key, we went to brunch with a couple other people here in Bonn, it was so great to see them all! And go back to Cartoon. I love that place. After that, I went home and slept for a couple hours and went directly off again to a comedy show! It was SOO funny, and the best part about it was that I was understanding jokes in German! How crazy is that? And they were hilarious. One was like: "My friend was recently very drunk and having sex with his girlfriend. He asked her in the middle of it all, "Who are you?" She kept her cool and replied in all seriousness, "I'm Batman." I thought it was so funny I laughed so hard I almost dropped the camera." I think that's hilarious. There were some jokes that I didn't get, especially about famous Germans because I don't watch TV really and definitely not German TV. They also picked on me publicly because I was from the USA, the host asked if anyone came from farther than Düsseldorf, and I of course raised my hand. It was so embarrassing, I couldn't really mutter a word after a while because I was laughing so hard. After the show we got interviewed and they encouraged me to meet the comedians so I did. It turns out Luke, who was the emcee, is from Toronto and speaks perfect English. (He's the one on the left of the picture. Sehr hübsch ;) Then Svenja [maja's roomie] another comedian me and then another comedian) But it was a great time, it was nice to get to know Maja's roommate and her boyfriend. Her boyfriend (I already forgot really how to spell his name...Toljan?) has this name and I always confuse it for other German words. So that was embarrassing. Yesterday I woke up at Maja's (I didn't have a blanket or sheets or anything here) and went shopping. I love shopping in Germany! It was kind of weird though because I feel like the last time I was here there were so many things that were new to me and I really had no idea what I was doing in the supermarket, or what to buy, but this time, I felt just the opposite. I was so happy to be able to buy stuff that I hadn't been able to buy for 9 months and take it home and look forward to it. I felt so german eating my salami and frischkäse brotchen yesterday. And it was delicious! :)
Living here provides a new kind of freedom. It's a different type of freedom from studying abroad because I have my own apartment and I feel like I'm pretty independent so far. I have this unbelievable sense of accomplishment going on.

Meanwhile, I feel bad because I feel like I've lost track of what's going on in other people's lives sometimes. I feel like I've been so busy trying to arrange this and make it happen that I really forgot so many other things, even things in my own life. Hopefully that will change as everything settles down (will things really settle down though??)

Anyway, after shopping and Ikea yesterday, I went over the the old WG. I love them so much! We had a good time doing pretty much nothing, but I have to say it was a little weird to leave at the end of the night. I think that was weirder than having Marc not be there at all. I just feel so at home there it's strange to have to leave...Although I did steal a blanket :P

I hope everyone is doing well, miss you all. I'll keep you updated on stuff around here, you all keep me updated on what's going on over there!

bis später alle

whiny but not quite as self-loathing post

I don't even know where to begin. I just feel so many things and think so many things and experience the same things over and over again and feel like I'm drowning.

Last week Maja was here--it was a blast. It was great to see her and spend time not doing so much stuff for school. I managed to get an A on a test while she was here so that was pretty awesome too. It was a nice change to being so lonely all the time. I know this sounds whiny and depressing but honestly I feel so alone lately. I think that if I had a better support system where I didn't feel like I was burdening everyone I talked to, I would probably handle this situation a lot better (this situation being the mom thing among other various challenges that are compounded by that). I don't like burdening people, I like taking care of them and helping them with their problems; I think I come out of my comfort zone when that role reverses itself.

So here's the lowdown on being alone:

I feel like for some reason, everyone I know has gotten into a relationship or has someone to turn to. In some ways, I feel this horrible sense of abandonment at a really difficult time in my life. It extends to leaving Germany, it extends to my best friends having significant others, it extends to my dad finding a girlfriend, it extends to my mom being sick, it extends to just everyone who has left me here, feeling sad, and alone, and me not wanting to ask for help because I am genuinely happy for their happiness. I don't want to bring them down! And seriously, this whole situation is so fucked up and sad and I wouldn't know how to process this information if someone I wasn't best friends with tried to confide some of this stuff to me. I also feel like there's so much pressure on me to not let myself and others down, but who is there to not let me down? You know? I feel like almost everyone has let me down in some way or another, of no fault of their own. I don't even expect things out of people, but I get hopeful that someone will contact me and ask me how I am, or that someone will just show an ounce of interest in me. It's just a hope, it's not an expectation, I'm not angry, I'm just sad that I feel forgotten somehow. Down in the cracks of everyone else's life, them knowing that I'm strong enough to deal with this. Which I am, but it would be nice to have steady support. Sarah is always there for me, but even she leaves and she has a boyfriend and I don't want to burden her more. I feel like I'm letting down people who know me as this happy party going person. I feel like I'm letting down people who think I'm a good student (I'm not getting good grades). I feel like I'm letting down people who think I'm a great daughter by fleeing to Germany this summer. I feel like I'm letting down myself for wanting to retreat to a time where things weren't so difficult and by knowing that it will never be the same no matter if I go back to Bonn or not. That time of my life is gone, and it's so hard sometimes to accept that. It's just so, so so hard.

Today I went to visit my mom in between classes and more classes and office hours. She was sick. My mom was sick. It's amazing how quickly things can get bad for her. I'm worried--she can't have chemo when she's sick like this, or when her blood counts are low (which they've been for a few weeks now) and if she doesn't have chemo, she'll die. She'll die. That is what her doctor told us, that "not getting chemo is the greatest threat to her life." What if she dies unexpectedly while I'm in Germany? And this whole apartment thing...so many levels of a bad idea. I can see my summer going in an even worse and more lonely direction than my life here. I hate that my last carefree and happy memories involve something so impossible. And at the same time it would be so convenient and an opportunity for so much good.

Anyway, I'm just so worried about my mom. I'm worried about her mentally, about her physically, emotionally. I'm so drained from seeing her sick like this. When it's not one thing, it's another thing, it's another hurdle to overcome, it's another thing to juggle, it's another time I have to reassure her that it's okay, it's another time I have to see her so sick and helpless and scared. I hate lying---I want to believe every word I tell her and others about how she's going to be okay, I want to believe these things that come out of my mouth, I want to be strong and stop weeping all the time. I want to stop having to run to the bathroom to stop crying, I want to stop having to think about her every time I hear about cancer (which happens EVERY DAY when you're a nursing student). I want to get through this!

I had my doula class this weekend--I am so sure that this is the profession for me. I'm so willing and happy when I see people who need help. I'm so full of love and hope for these families, and so happy. Just so, so so happy. At the same time, I'm scared that I will never share this experience. I'm scared that my life is so scary and untouchable for people that I will be alone. I feel like I've gotten to a point of desperation when my dad sends me text messages about how I should get set up with someone from the hospital. When even he is concerned about how alone I've been for so long. Guess that's just one more red flag in the line of "becca's going to die alone" warning signs.

I realize this whole post is just really messed up, scary, alienating, and getting published publicly online, but somehow I take comfort that I can just write this, not know who reads it, and use it as kind of just a call for help. Not in the way that I need so many more people asking me superficially how my mom is, but just being a little understanding that I am going through a LOT right now. Just...a lot. In fact--I discourage this; I don't like giving half problem stories to people. There is so much going on, the "how are you?" question becomes so loaded. I don't need more time commitments, coffee dates...I barely have time to breathe anyway...I don't know what kind of help I need, but this is a good first step toward getting that for myself, I feel. Attention? I don't know. Also, I've taken to watching TV shows where people are there for each other--How I Met Your Mother and Friends being good examples. It gives me hope in people in a way that is really hard to explain. I've really gotten myself into a conundrum. I wouldn't know where to begin with myself if I were reading this, and for that I apologize.

This time last year I was having the time of my life with the greatest people on earth. It's so amazing how quickly life comes at you...

freeeeeeeeeeeezing

stressed out as usual. feel like this is an important part in my life to document but just have no energy for much other than the fundamental things that need to be done. which, occasionally, includes going out with my friends. i'm so tired but just don't want to sleep. i value this alone time at night so much i don't like it to end.

i'm slowly trying to work toward my goals, this includes ending my sloth like tendencies and replacing them with 'fleißig' like tendencies, like always volunteering to get things for people and get out of my chair as much as possible. and drinking coffee. i'm officially addicted to caffeine now, so that's cool.

i'm looking forward to maja coming in just 10.5 short days. sometimes i think about it and just smile because it's so geil that she'll be here! even though i won't really be able to entertain her too much. sadly.

i guess a recurrent thought in my head lately has been this preoccupation with how when girls are aloof, boys are so attracted. as soon as they become used to the attention and begin having feelings for this pursuer, he backs off. why is this? i feel like this almost universally true...i understand the idea of the chase but fuuuuuuck me it's hard for me to follow these policies. not getting attached to someone who is adorable to you and then kind of leaves you high and dry is hard. not that there are any love interests in my life right now...

that's another weird part of my life. usually i at least have someone to gush about and have a crush on. now i have nooooo one! it's liberating in a really lonely way. it's especially hard with this mom shit, but it's been great to get out of the box and hang out with new people and people that i probably wouldn't make such an effort for if i had a boyfriend. it's really nice to realize that there are many people out there that care about me and my family, even if i don't have that one that i can always count on. it's like a safety net rather than a safety ladder. gotta stay positive.

nursing is amazing. i love taking care of people and getting to know them and what helps and hinders them. i love feeling like i'm actually making a difference in one person's life...just like i always thought about in high school. you can't change the world, but you can change one person's world. it's a lot of responsibility, and it's so fulfilling. it's like...selfish somehow because maybe i just do it to make me happy...but is that a thing? that's like how i love giving people things because i like seeing them happy. does that qualify as selfish? sometimes i want them to remember me and i get disappointed in people when they don't reciprocate such things, but i guess that just comes with the territory. i think this is what is qualified as 'a pushover.'


alright, time to try to fall asleep in my freezing cold bed. i can't feel my toes and i'm constantly stiff from freezing. i hate this part of the winter, when i just want it to end. may can't come fast enough, but somehow now i feel like i'm dreading it because my family is secretly judging me and i have things about my way of life in germany that i'd like to change...seems unlikely that it will change but i'll be damned if i ruin a summer abroad over some dumb emotions.

ich danke euch für ihre Geduld, ich sage so viele Sachen so selten und ich fühle mich, als ob die Sachen eine Zusammenhang fehlen.
ich hab nie mal das Gefühl, dass ich nicht mehr kann aber ich bin manchmal überfordert mit meiner Situation hier...ich weiß manchmal nicht was nach A, B, C kommen sollte. ich weiß nicht wie ich meine Gedanken äußern soll also am Ende bin ich hier gelandet. keine ahnung.


bis dann, leute.

remember, remember, the middle of september

It's so busy here, but my life is filled with little rewarding moments that sometimes make it all worthwhile.

I must say this juggling act I've been putting up has to end soon (unfortunately). Or maybe I just have to find a better way to balance it. I spend a lot of time preoccupied with things that aren't even happening in my immediate life, things that are happening around the world, with friends, on TV, or even just random things happening on the side of the road that have little to do with me at all. Sometimes I just feel like I'm watching myself live a charade of a life...it's weird.

Nursing is proving to be interesting...not so different from what I expected. After reevaluating the social dynamics of 150 girls being together all the time, I think that it is a) a lot like an all girl's high school b) full of really beautiful, high intensity girls c) sometimes disorienting, because no matter how hard I try (well, I don't try that hard, let's be honest) I sometimes feel like I don't fit in all that well. I feel like I'd be better suited amongst a group of strange doctor types or weird pharmacists. Many of the girls I feel are so normal...wear PINK, or hip-indie clothes, or look glamourous even when they're wearing sweatpants type of girls. Part of me feels really out of place there and scared that everyone is judging me or something, but the other part of me wants to be accepted into that and look like they do and behave like they do. It's a really strange sensation and I'm not sure weather to swim into the waves or retreat back to shore.

Nursing itself is so right for me...in the way that I'm a caring and compassionate person. On the first day of class the Dean of Students for the School of Nursing gave a really inspiring speech about how we are going to be the people to take care of someone on the worst day of their life. It is a big responsibility and it's a challenge to make people feel loved, wanted, safe and calm when they're in a situation so other than normal. It's also called my inner hypochondriac to the surface (yes, I think I have hypertension, diabetes, am dying and at risk for a myriad of other diseases).

Homework is more than I had anticipated. There are many different places I have to check to find my homework...different syllabi, websites, resources, etc. and it can get overwhelming at times. I think that as long as I jump rope long enough and avoid missing anything that's actually due I'll be okay. We'll see how it goes.

Other things? Sarah's home. It's nice because I feel like I have someone who I can be attached at the hip to. I'm trying to get out more, but it's not going as well as I'd hoped...Madison night life is boring and trite and I don't know if I'm going to meet anyone worthwhile at the bars after giving out all that money anyway. Not entirely worth it.

Counting down the days before we go to Hawaii! I'm so excited to see Hanna. And Maja is probably coming to Madison in March! I couldn't stop smiling for a couple days when we hatched that whole plan. It's nice to have something to look forward to...before next summer. Which I'm getting worried about sending these letters/CVs/diplomas out. What if I don't get an internship? I was thinking about it and maybe I'd just go to Germany to work. Why not? I'm young, wild, and free (not so wild but we'll go with it in the spirit of things) and have the summer off. Perfect.