...open doors!

So...after the third interview, I did, in fact, land a FANTASTIC job as a Resident Care Coordinator. At a privately funded Assisted Living Community (and Independent 55 and older Community) ten minutes (BY FOOT!) from my front door. Maybe closed doors really are just a way for life to tell you to open a window. I really can't imagine my good fortune, I got to quit my (not so) lovely cocktail waitressing job and am now working an administrative role in one of the more prestigious facilities in the area. Today I went to a Forum for families to come and talk with the staff and leaders in the community there, which was not only informative but also inspiring. It was so...reassuring to go to a meeting where they were discussing matching families up with resources in the community, namely, funding resources. It was amazing to be part of something that not only took care of patients on their worst days, but also followed them and helped them be healthy in between the check-ups and doctor's visits. And helping those families...and just watching the families caring for their parents, aunts and uncles. I felt like I was really doing something (or learning to do something!) to help. It was a great day.


In other news, I'm graduating THIS WEEK. I picked up my cap and gown today. And my red stole. And my Germany stole. And I got butterflies because I'm no longer going to be a student! I'm going to have to pay to buy beer at the Union (totally worth the lifetime membership, I must say).

And, in other other news, Marco is coming in two and a half weeks! I'm soo looking forward to that. We're going to camp in Yellowstone and the Badlands, but I'm having trouble reserving a campsite. Any suggestions??

closed doors

Two interviews and no jobs later, I'm feeling kind of crappy about myself. No, really crappy about myself. I'm going to work as a waitress all summer. And as a construction girl.

Someone recently told me that closed opportunities were usually just creations of new and better ones. I'm not sure if that's true...although maybe it is. If I get this visa next week (which I am crossing my fingers hard for) then maybe it's just the universe's way of telling me to enjoy my last summer in the US for a while. I hope that's what it is.

The worst part is that I don't even know what I did wrong. I had a good feeling after the interview and I don't know how I could've improved. The lady said the competition was really tough, but honestly, can it be that tough?? They were two other nursing students! There were only three of us! This means I couldn't even beat out one person. Not even one. That's just depressing.

Things have been hectic lately, I had a presentation and a project due yesterday (on a Monday! the world is cruel insanity). I'm on the home stretch, only three more weeks of class. Ever. It's a scary, but exciting world out there post-grad. crazy.

If I don't get this visa for next year (knock on very nice expensive rare cherry wood) I'm going to take out loans, quit my jobs and just go travel. Just go (obviously to places other than Europe). Worry about it later, come back and apply for a job as a nurse somewhere attainable, in a rural hospital. Live my life and try not to let the disappointment melt my spirit and destroy it. Maybe I'll get a dog.

The sad part, is with my luck I can see that happening. Lately I've been thinking a lot about the phrase 'if you don't like what they're saying, then change the conversation.' With my life. Instead of competing in the nursing field, I'm just flipping it up and doing something completely different and moving to Germany. Instead of trying to get a visa (which I'm terrified for, this streak of not getting what I want is scary!) and fighting a decision, I'll just go do something completely different. That's me. That's just how I am. Instead of doing things I don't enjoy, I just flip it on it's head and do something completely different. I don't know if that's a strength or a weakness...but for me it's kind of a fact. I have too much pride to not succeed in things, and if I can't succeed at something I care about I just...find something that I can succeed at. That's not really a good thing, typing it out like that, I suppose.

Now that I look at that paragraph and really analyze it, it's only true for professional endeavors. In social situations, I'll go out of my way to make things work and not give up on people or relationships for years. I wonder if that's the delicate balance I walk...and if that says something about where my priorities lie. And again the conversation changes--I wish what I wanted wasn't so dependent on other people.

So now...after all that psychobabble...I'm still sitting in a car place, waiting for tires and brakes. Thoughts can alter and distort reality so much, sometimes I forget that.

assessment versus exam

It's been a while. Germany was amazing but somewhere along the line I just didn't want to write anymore.

On to the next thing:

So I'm sitting in a mental health class, and each week I become more and more frustrated by my professor. To hear her stereotype people with mental illness with statements such as, "people with mental illness can't hold a job for 40 hours a week" or "people don't like the terms 'normal' and 'not normal' but I'm going to use them anyway" frustrate me. As someone who has dealt extensively with mental illness on a personal basis, I take great offense to the way she treats us. I find her behavior unprofessional and a lot of the time very unhelpful when it comes to learning anything at all about mental health nursing. Many times when I walk into that class I feel as though I am sitting down in front of someone who has 'seen it all' and is calloused by her experiences. I feel like she looks down on her students as though we don't have the potential to learn and intrinsically accepts the fact that we will never be as skilled at mental health nursing as she is.

I go to that class every morning and am constantly reminded of my inability as a nurse. My presence there is rewarded with 5 points for attendance, however there are no lecture slides, no readings and no other supports set up to guide her tirades at us. She presents personal stories about what a great practitioner she is: "he spent $200 and did what no one suffering from mental illness should do, got a debit and credit card. but, I have to give myself a pat on the back, he no longer has them, he gave them to a friend."

This is an example of a poorly controlled mental illness, and in my opinion, a poor mental health practitioner. I, as a nursing student, do not need to know these embarrassing intricacies from her "practice" and I can't help but wonder what would happen if my mother was one of the people this woman was counseling. would she be put up on a metaphorical cross, too? Used as an example for...what? What was the point of her story today, about this schizophrenic man with an addiction problem who went on a rampage with his debit card? We were supposed to be learning about the mental health exam and assessment (mind you, you are measured against "normal" and "not normal" in her eyes when she gives you an exam!) I don't see the connection here. As one student so astutely pointed out, "it seems like your assessment is using a lot of "I" language and is very subjective."



This semester of nursing school has been one frustration after another as far as I'm concerned. The class I was least looking forward to, Geriatrics, is actually the most completely structured and interesting class I'm taking. Mental health nursing, as described above, is a disaster, and community health nursing isn't all that bad except for it's a lot of common sense. Nice for the studying, a good time to get caught up on watching all 6 episodes of Star Wars back to back in German.

Hope all are well, keep in mind (haha) that mental illness can affect anyone and they are people, too.

praktikum details

I thought it would be cool to write a little bit about what I do really in my Praktikum instead of just write, "yeah, I'm there when babies are delivered...nbd"

So first of all, let me just start of by saying I feel much more comfortable (at the moment) just watching babies be born. It's a comfortable place. I can observe without having to say much, I am sometimes needed (to hold this leg or that wash cloth or hold the baby's head or cut the umbilical cord) and am always happy at the end of the birth because there's a new little baby! I've learned some new vocabulary to help me, "ruhig und tief atmen...durch die Nase ein und durch den Mund aus" or "Sie können das schaffen! Das Baby ist gleich da! Ich kann das Köpfchen schon sehen!" [Breathe deeply and peacefully...in through the nose and out through the mouth" or "You can do this! The baby is going to be here very soon. I can already see the little head!] And I think gently touching the woman or offering something cold for her forehead is always appreciated. I try. I did see one really horrifying birth though...the hebamme was also mortified because the doctor just came in and kind of imposed his ideas on how the birth should run. I felt helpless. It turned out good in the end though, the baby girl was beautiful and healthy and very cuddly :)

What is really scary for me still is meeting people at the door when they ring the bell. I always have to ask how I can help them, and when they reply, chances are that I will 90% understand them, but not be able to repeat a word back to the Hebammen. And no one really explained much to me all at once, I've kind of had a slow learning curve so far (or at least to me it seems that way). Most often, women seem to come either for a "Termin zur Kontrolle" like...just to make sure everything is okay when they reach their errechneter Termin [due date], or an "Einleitung" which is an induction. Being induced in Germany is really much different than in the US: the women receive a "cocktail" made up of two tablespoons Rizinusöl (castor oil), two tablespoons Mandelmus (almond butter) and a bottle of carrot juice. If this doesn't work on the first day, they receive two cocktails on the second day. On the third day, I think they get three cocktails. On the fourth day after beginning induction if they haven't had any contractions, they finally receive one 500 mg (?) Cytotec tablet (usually the first line in the US, correct me if I'm wrong). If that doesn't work, they continue with cytotec...I haven't seen any invasive measures used quite yet, excluding breaking the bag of waters but they only do that when a birth is imminent as far as I can tell. Svenja, one of the hebammen, told me today that although they start inducing the births as early as 7 days after their due date, it really isn't an issue until later because at +7 days the baby may still not even be ready to be born. Giving birth past a due date only becomes a real issue when the placenta starts to break down and stops providing the baby with nutrients. Then is an induction really necessary.

Anyway, I usually lead these women, whether they are there for an Einleitung or a Kontrolle Termin, into a CTG Zimmer (EFM=electronic fetal monitor in English! I finally figured out the proper translation, more info can be found here) and I put the CTG on them. This involves placing two round discs on the woman's belly, one at the top of the fundus (where the top uterus is) to measure the force of the contraction, and one where the fetal heartbeat can be monitored (done through ultrasonic waves, so usually placed somewhere on the back of the child or near the child's head). I learned how to feel a pregnant woman's stomach to tell where the baby is laying (in welcher Stelle=in which position). It's so crazy because you can feel EVERYTHING. It's just a matter of being able to distinguish which lumps are which. I must admit I feel kind of boss when I ask (in German) if I can touch their belly and magically find a heartbeat in one try with the CTG Knopf. It's a good feeling.

One thing I find extraordinarily difficult in Germany is measuring blood pressure. I have done it a thousand times in America manually and with a machine. Here, first off, everything is manual. So, not only do I have to properly hear the two blood pressure measurements (systolic and diastolic), but I also have to remember the numbers in German. I'm not good at remembering them in English. it's really, really difficult. So like, if I think to myself..."ok, one hundred and twenty two over seventy eight" it's not so difficult. But THEN, I have to remember those numbers long enough to translate them, repeat them to the patient, "ein hundred zwei und zwanzig zu acht und siebzig" and write them down on a piece of paper. It's really difficult for me, I must say. In my opinion, made only worse by the fact that in German the number order is reversed, so rather than saying "seventy eight" I effectively have to say "eight and seventy."

Another one of my menial tasks is to "urine tasten" or test urine. The women all pee in a cup (really unscientific, it's not collected by a lab or anything, they just simply leave the urine cups in one of the two bathrooms and I come on by) and then I stick a stick into it which tests for leukocytes, erythrocytes, pH (pay-hah in German :D ) glucose, protein and a host of other possibilities which I can't pronounce in German. I then report this back to the Hebammen too, usually also written on the paper that the CTG machines spit out with the results. Yep. The vocab for all the stuff I am learning. No biggie.

Other things I do: clean the Kreißsaale after births, help the hebammen do random stuff, hang IV bags/prime tubing, change pillow cases, fold towels, run blood down to the lab (no, there is no tube system, I run it down wearing a white lab coat...usually because it's raining and I have to actually leave the building to get to the lab), pick up Steri from the autoclave people (that's also on a different floor), weigh, measure, dress and give vitamin k to newborns, make Bändchen for the babies (little bracelets for their wrists), set the table for breakfast, make Wehencocktails (for the inductions). It's so much, it's so different every day, and I am absolutely beside myself because I love it so much.


In other news...things have been good. I had a sore throat yesterday but slept forever and it went away. today it's back a little, but it's alright. Hopefully I'll survive. I'm still trying to figure out the insurance thing...working on it. Over the weekend I didn't do much in the way of social things...had to work both days. Marco and I had a lovely Sunday afternoon today though, wandering around Bonn, eating ice cream, pizza and drinking beer. He has some free time now, which is awesome because every second I'm not working I'm basically free. Maja is reading some paper or making some bizarre youtube video about cats, god only knows, and everyone else is working on some presentation or another. Excited for the upcoming week :D :D

Goodness I love it here! Words can't even describe. Apart from having to wake up at 6 this morning, the day was perfect. Absolutely perfect.


Bis nachher...
Becca
{geburtszahl: 7}

aimless on sunday

I am refusing to leave my bed today.
I've pretty much checked out for the semester---I had like a month of really intense and stressful work and am now rewarding myself with less stressful (albeit still stressful) leisure time. I still have two exams (a pathology one and a nursing one) and I am going to make an effort to go to class in the future just to learn something...but--I've quit my job and I'm excited to continue on to Germany in 3 weeks! (ok, 25 days but who's counting?)

I've been trying to simultaneously sublet an apartment in Madison and find one to sublet in Bonn...no easy feat let me tell you! It's hard to do both of those things...
I ran my mom's run last Saturday, it was FREEZING COLD (and snowing) but we persevered, and I ran the 5k with Sarah and Karissa (my ITB whatever thing hurts still...) and everyone else managed the 10k. I wish I could've done the 10k! I also wish I could run now. I signed up to run the Disney Half Marathon in January (!!!!!!) but I need to get better first before I can start even thinking about that one. I'm so excited to cross a life goal off of my list!
The ladies from study abroad and I went to Ripon on Friday and visited Amy---it was fun! I love hanging out with those girls and it was really just a great time. Yesterday was also a fun night, I went out with a couple of nursing student friends and Karissa and we had a small adventure. I like living like this...22 years old and actually doing stuff! It's nice to sprinkle normalcy into a really strange life situation. I've been realizing lately though how cool my life is: I have so much freedom, anonymity, spontaneousness and want for adventure that my life is actually pretty awesome. And I've like...climbed the mountain of stress and bad luck so I feel like I have the ability to just be like FFFFF this and do what I want. And make the most out of my life.

Things that are happening [in attenuated list form]:

-i am moving to germany for three months for an internship as a midwife. combining loves right there.
-i am running a half marathon in disney world. [life goal: accomplishment in my favorite place on earth]
-tattoo this summer in germany...
-my mother is getting chemo and will be for the summer. i will have to deal with that while i am in germany.
-i am going to nursing school and get to choose my rotation next week.
-i want to do something crazy after i graduate, but will probably just end up working.

WHAT MY LIFE WILL LOOK LIKE TWO YEARS FROM TODAY [a prediction]:

I bet I will be working somewhere in Madison as an RN, trying to gain enough experience to join the peace corps. Or doctors without borders. Or just get a better job. I will be saving up money to travel. I will maybe be considering midwifery programs, or going to Germany to do that. I will still be very single, and occasionally still be very lonely, but I will continue to bury such feelings with doing distracting things like globetrotting and working. I will still be stoic and refuse to join a dating website. I will probably be preparing to be some bridesmaid in some wedding or another. Maybe I will still be arranging stuff for my mom--maybe she'll need help in her apartment. I'll have my own apartment: I will have gone through that awkward transitional phase of living at home for the 9 months before I get a job as a nurse...maybe my dad will be married? Jerry and Melody will be married. I will have run a half marathon in Disney World. I will be a member of a gym? Or just an avid worker-outer. I will see movies at my leisure and drink wine in the evenings. I will read more--no school, need to entertain myself somehow! I'll have bought a new MacBook (or an iPad?), I might be donning an iPhone 6. I'll start actually buying music from iTunes. I will have traveled to somewhere I've never been before by then--ideally somewhere rather exotic. I'll have a new tattoo. And a new wardrobe. (That's one of my first goals once I get a job!)

freeeeeeeeeeeezing

stressed out as usual. feel like this is an important part in my life to document but just have no energy for much other than the fundamental things that need to be done. which, occasionally, includes going out with my friends. i'm so tired but just don't want to sleep. i value this alone time at night so much i don't like it to end.

i'm slowly trying to work toward my goals, this includes ending my sloth like tendencies and replacing them with 'fleißig' like tendencies, like always volunteering to get things for people and get out of my chair as much as possible. and drinking coffee. i'm officially addicted to caffeine now, so that's cool.

i'm looking forward to maja coming in just 10.5 short days. sometimes i think about it and just smile because it's so geil that she'll be here! even though i won't really be able to entertain her too much. sadly.

i guess a recurrent thought in my head lately has been this preoccupation with how when girls are aloof, boys are so attracted. as soon as they become used to the attention and begin having feelings for this pursuer, he backs off. why is this? i feel like this almost universally true...i understand the idea of the chase but fuuuuuuck me it's hard for me to follow these policies. not getting attached to someone who is adorable to you and then kind of leaves you high and dry is hard. not that there are any love interests in my life right now...

that's another weird part of my life. usually i at least have someone to gush about and have a crush on. now i have nooooo one! it's liberating in a really lonely way. it's especially hard with this mom shit, but it's been great to get out of the box and hang out with new people and people that i probably wouldn't make such an effort for if i had a boyfriend. it's really nice to realize that there are many people out there that care about me and my family, even if i don't have that one that i can always count on. it's like a safety net rather than a safety ladder. gotta stay positive.

nursing is amazing. i love taking care of people and getting to know them and what helps and hinders them. i love feeling like i'm actually making a difference in one person's life...just like i always thought about in high school. you can't change the world, but you can change one person's world. it's a lot of responsibility, and it's so fulfilling. it's like...selfish somehow because maybe i just do it to make me happy...but is that a thing? that's like how i love giving people things because i like seeing them happy. does that qualify as selfish? sometimes i want them to remember me and i get disappointed in people when they don't reciprocate such things, but i guess that just comes with the territory. i think this is what is qualified as 'a pushover.'


alright, time to try to fall asleep in my freezing cold bed. i can't feel my toes and i'm constantly stiff from freezing. i hate this part of the winter, when i just want it to end. may can't come fast enough, but somehow now i feel like i'm dreading it because my family is secretly judging me and i have things about my way of life in germany that i'd like to change...seems unlikely that it will change but i'll be damned if i ruin a summer abroad over some dumb emotions.

ich danke euch für ihre Geduld, ich sage so viele Sachen so selten und ich fühle mich, als ob die Sachen eine Zusammenhang fehlen.
ich hab nie mal das Gefühl, dass ich nicht mehr kann aber ich bin manchmal überfordert mit meiner Situation hier...ich weiß manchmal nicht was nach A, B, C kommen sollte. ich weiß nicht wie ich meine Gedanken äußern soll also am Ende bin ich hier gelandet. keine ahnung.


bis dann, leute.

adjustments continue

It's been a long two weeks, but also I guess a short two weeks. (Totally going for that Charles Dickens vibe right now). I've started my new (incredibly time consuming) job at Oakwood, which I love and gives me the experiences I want and reminds me why I want to be a nurse every day. I worked a lot this week: 35+ hours, plus school, plus working with the guy I work with in home. I didn't get much homework done, but I did try to get things turned in on time. One big regret from last weekend was letting social time get in the way of a good grade (may have ruined my chances at getting an A in that class at all, but hey, maybe this is just a sign from god for me to just not give so much of my soul to school anymore...)

I'm 22 now, and feel like I'm getting older. It's harder to concentrate. It's harder to retain information. It's harder to learn things. It's harder to have patience for slowly but surely becoming a cat lady.

All this work lately with dying/elderly people has me thinking about so many things in such a major way. First of all, I am scared of dying alone, still, after all these years, I'm pretty sure my worst fear is still dying alone. Watching people care for their loved ones while they are in the last hours/days/months/years of their lives is touching and makes me happy for them, sad for them, and oddly jealous all at the same time. Happy because there is so much love out there, so many people full of life and hope that they want to remind people how much they're loved right up until their last breaths. Remind them of their lives worth living. There is so much life and energy and humor in these people (the families...not always the patients. Patients can be rather frightening at times and also to all those who believed that dying was a graceful passage into the great beyond, spoiler alert! it's not.) Sad for them in that these types of events can tear apart families. It ends marriages. The death of a spouse seems like one of the most traumatizing experiences that one could experience...It's nice to see the strength of humanity but terribly depressing all at the same time to know that as humans we have to endure such pain. Jealousy happens only because part of me, somewhere deep down, has a strong sneaking suspicion that I will die alone blah blah blah because of all the aforementioned reasons in this blog (blah blah blah I want it so bad that it'll never happen to me, etc, etc, etc). Not to steal a line from Mr. Gibbard again, but who's going to watch you die?


Anyway, off of that depressing business. Life here has also felt antsy. Lost. In the way that I know that something isn't right but I can't pinpoint it at all. I feel like my experiences recently have ruined me for real life. I feel like this is no longer my life, but rather some bookmarked page in a book that I put down for a year and picked back up and only vaguely remember the plot and main characters mid-way through the story. I wonder if this feeling will ever alleviate itself.

I'm going to Germany in 38 days. I literally count the hours. I look at somewhat torturous tasks as just ways to make it hours closer to my deparature. Anything to get away from here again...so much stress and worrying and not enough (but somehow all at once way too much?) socializing.



My life has taken a turn for the extremely weird and incredibly disorganized.

the first day

So, I'm sitting here at the Health Sciences Learning Center after my first morning working/shadowing up on the Oncology Floor at the University Hospital. It was a really interesting experience, which I will try to sum up here in thoughts and actual events. So. Here's how it went:

I woke up at 5am (heeeyyyy it's still pitch black, are you kidding me?!) shivering and kind of just accepted my fate, hopped in the shower, and got ready in record time to leave the house. The bike ride to the hospital was interesting, cloaked in a stylish UW Nursing School Uniform, I kept worrying that I would fall and eat cement, ruining my bleach white scrub top. Luckily, I made it all the way to the floor relatively problem free. When we arrived, we received our assignments, the first hour we followed around a nursing assistant (which I am technically licensed to do, so it was no new exciting experience, but a nice ease in to the rest of the morning). One challenging part of shadowing the Nurse's Aide was knowing that I am going shortly going to be in a position that is above her even though she was so much older an more experienced than I feel right now. It was weird because when we asked her questions about passing meds or some of the technology around the ward, she really had no idea because that wasn't in her scope of practice. It was nerve wracking knowing that I will have more responsibility than someone and will be responsible for bossing people around at some point in the very, very near future. Especially people who are older than me...it shows I'm going to have to have some authority and really know what I'm talking about in these situations. I should probably start studying more.

Anyway, after following around the NA for the first part, we switched to shadowing an RN, my potential future career. She was passing medicines, which was really interesting to watch. She was so knowledgeable about all of the meds she was giving and knew so much about her patient's dispositions...she knew how they would react to taking the medicines, who was a nice patient, who was grumpy...and she had all these tricks to help her patients feel special and unique even though her world was so complicated and she had so many patients to take care of. I want to be that type of person, the warm, caring person that makes each patient feel loved and taken care of, safe and trusting. It's really inspiring, especially when we would go into rooms that she would preface with: "this one isn't looking so good...the cancer has basically spread to his whole body" or "this family is going through a lot right now" or "he really wants to go home today, but we don't know if it'd be such a good idea." She had the perfect balance of not being too invested in these people's lives that she was going to get hurt, but still careful and warm to the patients and their families. I can't say enough about that.
So after some debriefing and charting practice (it's surprising how much of nursing is just knowing what and how to write things on charts for patients for other people to read and understand without having too much information or too little...) I'm sitting here waiting for my afternoon clinic, which I'll be visiting the Infusion Clinic. I'm not quite sure what that's about yet, but I will keep you all updated should anyone want to know.

I'm loving this job. Sometimes I get scared that I'm not doing enough to keep up. I feel like I've become a more average student since returning from Germany...I tend to put off doing work and just don't do extra work at all...which needs to change. I want to excel and be passionate and knowledgeable just like the other nurses. I have aspirations! I need to get my head in the game. One thing I've been working on more is focus. Do you have have those days where you just feel like you are somewhere else mentally? I need to actually have my head where I am, which I think will be helped out a lot once I get this whole internship stuff figured out for next summer. Things are looking good, the e-mail stuff and actual work in German should be greatly decreased for now. I'm literally still counting days though. I just want to go back...it's been weird since I've been home, this whole month. I feel like I had some weird switch go off in my brain and now I just try to fill my life with as much German stuff as I can so I can keep it all from slipping right through my fingers. I don't want to be the German obsessed girl here, but I am. It'll fix itself soon...things will balance out, but for now, the small things like blasting Peter Fox and CRo in my car make me happy, the big things like keeping in contact with my friends from Europe make me really happy, and connecting with other people in Madison also affiliated with Germany are nice additions to this school year. Being on a different continent also affected the way I deal with my family, which is an interesting side effect I didn't expect. I think it's improved many things about my outlook on that kind of stuff too.

Wednesday was a terrible day to learn from; among other terrible things, I lost my keys, had a little stress breakdown, and felt so crappy. Some days are like that though, I suppose. It feels good to be on the upswing of that, yesterday I FOUND my keys on my way to test drive cars for fun (buy Volkswagens, people!!) I try to keep positive and am just waiting for the next stress wave to roll over me and make me that much stronger.

I'm still hungry after 2 granola bars, an apple, and a sandwich. Metabolism problems or just legit super hungry? you be the judge.

influence

I've been doing a lot of people thinking lately...my German class today really made me think about interactions with people that can change lives, moments of lives, outcomes of lives...or have so many immeasurable influences on others. We're reading a book called, "Wenn gefährliche Hunde lachen" which is about two Africans trying to flee to Europe...not necessarily seeking asylum, just looking for a better life. I find it so interesting their deep reliance on other people to reach their goal of immigrating to a country which offers better prospects. How deeply trust has to go, and how much money can really buy.

In other aspects of my life, I feel like I meet people often who make me reevaluate myself and mold me into the Becca I am today. I've met people one time that affect me, I've met people several times who I give very little thought to. I think it's interesting that the intensity of a friendship isn't always determined by duration...nor proximity. In our time lines, we have people cross in and through and out and back in again...and their lives our linear, our lives are linear, but somehow for some amount of time we end up together. I've always been fascinated with that...the whole "your reality is very different from someone else's reality" phenomenon.

Anyway, today was my first day up on the ward for nursing school. I have to admit it was really cool to be wearing all professional clothes and be touring around the Oncology Unit...feeling like I was somebody. It's so nice that they try to make people feel like home there, but at the same time, there's something almost pathetic and sad, almost wilted, if you will, about trying to make being in the hospital for cancer any more enticing than it actually is. Which it's not. I couldn't help but take a deep breath when I walked into the first room as I imagined that I was the person entering the room to be taken care of. That I was the person who was probably not going to make it. That I was a part of the family who had to hear that their loved one was dying. It's a totally different experience walking in with a white coat, clipboard, and the power to tell people what to do. It's totally anders. I think my biggest fear at this point skills/learning wise is the inability to insert a Foley Catheter, which was a skill we learned today. The last time I saw it done I almost fainted and even when my professor nurse lady was demonstrating putting one into thin air I felt a little light headed. Something about sticking something backwards into a hold that's supposed to drain forwards scares me waaay more than drawing blood, injections, pushing babies out, or even cutting through skin. Something about it just sits wrong with me.

I must admit it was nice though to be in a hospital without laying there. In that German hospital, first of all, things were soooo much different. Like, the whole time I was there they didn't change my linens (they do it every day at UW) and the nurses couldn't do much...there was so much less going on in the hospital in Germany. AND SO MUCH LESS KLIMAANLAGE (air conditioning). The hospital is absolutely frigid. I had to wear my white coat just to keep from shivering (I was already wearing a sweater and long dress pants, mind you...)

So, life has officially restarted and all. I'm going to the Badger Game against Utah on Saturday (it's a night game, won't interfere with my work schedule!) and working on homework the rest of the weekend. I'm having a little trouble keeping caught up but getting organized was certainly a third of the battle. And I applied to my first Praktikum position today!! In Köln! Next summer! I didn't have time to apply to any of the other ones (seeing as I was in class when I applied to the one anyway) so hopefully I'll start up that whole process over the next week/weekend.

Nice to get things off my chest and keep thoughts organized. Had a good couple radio shows too which are therapeutic and I always enjoy getting callers and hearing that my friends are listening. It reassures me that sometimes people are great and do care a lot about me and the things I do...despite how I feel most of the time. Things are good. 

remember, remember, the middle of september

It's so busy here, but my life is filled with little rewarding moments that sometimes make it all worthwhile.

I must say this juggling act I've been putting up has to end soon (unfortunately). Or maybe I just have to find a better way to balance it. I spend a lot of time preoccupied with things that aren't even happening in my immediate life, things that are happening around the world, with friends, on TV, or even just random things happening on the side of the road that have little to do with me at all. Sometimes I just feel like I'm watching myself live a charade of a life...it's weird.

Nursing is proving to be interesting...not so different from what I expected. After reevaluating the social dynamics of 150 girls being together all the time, I think that it is a) a lot like an all girl's high school b) full of really beautiful, high intensity girls c) sometimes disorienting, because no matter how hard I try (well, I don't try that hard, let's be honest) I sometimes feel like I don't fit in all that well. I feel like I'd be better suited amongst a group of strange doctor types or weird pharmacists. Many of the girls I feel are so normal...wear PINK, or hip-indie clothes, or look glamourous even when they're wearing sweatpants type of girls. Part of me feels really out of place there and scared that everyone is judging me or something, but the other part of me wants to be accepted into that and look like they do and behave like they do. It's a really strange sensation and I'm not sure weather to swim into the waves or retreat back to shore.

Nursing itself is so right for me...in the way that I'm a caring and compassionate person. On the first day of class the Dean of Students for the School of Nursing gave a really inspiring speech about how we are going to be the people to take care of someone on the worst day of their life. It is a big responsibility and it's a challenge to make people feel loved, wanted, safe and calm when they're in a situation so other than normal. It's also called my inner hypochondriac to the surface (yes, I think I have hypertension, diabetes, am dying and at risk for a myriad of other diseases).

Homework is more than I had anticipated. There are many different places I have to check to find my homework...different syllabi, websites, resources, etc. and it can get overwhelming at times. I think that as long as I jump rope long enough and avoid missing anything that's actually due I'll be okay. We'll see how it goes.

Other things? Sarah's home. It's nice because I feel like I have someone who I can be attached at the hip to. I'm trying to get out more, but it's not going as well as I'd hoped...Madison night life is boring and trite and I don't know if I'm going to meet anyone worthwhile at the bars after giving out all that money anyway. Not entirely worth it.

Counting down the days before we go to Hawaii! I'm so excited to see Hanna. And Maja is probably coming to Madison in March! I couldn't stop smiling for a couple days when we hatched that whole plan. It's nice to have something to look forward to...before next summer. Which I'm getting worried about sending these letters/CVs/diplomas out. What if I don't get an internship? I was thinking about it and maybe I'd just go to Germany to work. Why not? I'm young, wild, and free (not so wild but we'll go with it in the spirit of things) and have the summer off. Perfect.

2011: the lists

top ten experiences of 2011:
1. Watching the expansive sky/clouds every day in Kenya.
2. Seeing the Old City of Jerusalem in Israel and its vibrant life and cohabitation.
3. Safari! Listening to the Lion King soundtrack crossing the savannah was epic.
4. NFC Championship Game with the family. Soo much fun!!
5. Swimming in the Mediterranean Sea/Snorkeling in the Red Sea/Swimming in the Indian Ocean
6. Dancing at Izzy's Wedding (Izzy and Jessica's wedding. Force of habit.)
7. Getting accepted to Study Abroad in Germany.
8. Walking in to a class and watching a Beyonce music video (every other moment of that class)
9. Hiking up Masada/in the Golan Heights//Hiking up the Ngong Hills (never huffed/puffed/sweated so much in my LIFE)
10. Sitting in the tree at the end of Picnic Point and watching the waves crash up on the shore. There's a whole bunch of new human-stuff there now so I'll never have that back.

best things about 2011:
1. the experiences.
2. my classes this fall. (especially black music and stats!)
3. actually applying to nursing school!
4. learning a lot about myself through travel.
5. living in my apartment. my home. :)
6. being legally allowed to order a drink.
7. my friends and family. being surrounded with people!
8. harry potter world! hell yes
9. the incredible weather
10. CNA classes with Sasha/becoming a CNA/being a CNA

songs that defined 2011 for me:
1. Someone Like You-Adele
2. Ambling Alp-Yeasayer
3. Run the World (Girls)-Beyonce (and I Was Here)
4. Runaway-Kanye West
5. You're Going to Make Me Lonesome When You Go-Bob Dylan
6. Lucifer-Jay-Z
7. Sitting on the Dock of the Bay-Otis Redding
8. Unpretty-TLC
9. My Mirror Speaks-Death Cab for Cutie
10. Ex Factor-Lauryn Hill
11. How Many Lovers-Jhameel

the worst:
1. sarah moving away (and jason, too!)
2. feeling so awful the weekend of izzy's wedding. being surrounded by my regrets.
3. miami during thanksgiving.
4. dating that asshole...and lord is he ever an asshole! 
5. that stomach flu I came down with...in Madison, but also when I was in Kenya after the exotic meat when I was missing home so much.
6. my dad's brush with cancer.
7. quitting a job. that was rough and embarrassing. tied with microbiology, the worst class ever.
8. my 21st birthday (after 2am before 2 it almost made the list for the most amazing things). and more specifically the hangover that only ended two days later.
9. my mom's deterioration...i know it's a little harsh to put it on here...and she does have great days, but still).
10. the awkwardness post-Israel when my two friends came with me on my 'spiritual' adventure. i wish things would've gone differently.

goals for next year:
1. Make Germany Count. Speak German whenever possible, be comfortable. See Europe.
2. be kinder. in thoughts, in actions.
3. improve on the romance. don't date losers. get over old flames. don't let the thoughts fester.
4. get into Nursing School (although I don't have much control over that now)
5. Find a TV show that parallels my interest in Mad Men. (Also, find a way to watch Mad Men in Germany without spending too much money)
6. Learn Spanish!
7. lose weight (as always). be overall healthier. stop smoking cigarettes completely. don't drive everywhere.
8. dress better. I should really, really cut out the sweatpants.

foods of the year:
1. nonfat lattes with sugar free vanilla syrup/med cafe tea
2. caribou coffee with rushi
3. bread pudding
4. bananas
5. homemade bakery from the minds and kitchen of connie and me (I?)
6. the "rabbit diet" of my dad and me
7. hazelnut chocolate bars
8. pumpkin pie! (That's an always food)
9. moscoto
10. pineapple curry from curry in a box

the love/hate relationship we have with the apartment:
1. it's freezing. the oven heats it though. in the summer it was unbearably hot.
2. it's dirty and cramped and cold
3. connie made a song about it
4. rushi's never there
5. the ridiculous skipping of class on all three of our parts
6. group outings/procrastination
7. late night chats in the kitchdiningroom
8. the power going out when the space heaters run
9. the S&M couple (wildebeast?) who live(s) next door
10. parking. good and bad. get exercise even though i drive?

top things i wore this year:
1. my yoga pants (depressing that I lost them in Israel)
2. my gap skinny jeans (warm!)
3. as usual, my Wisconsin State Bird shirt
4. braided bracelet and anklet from kids in Kenya
5. that trio of solid faded v-neck t-shirts from the gap
6. my blue polka dotted tank top
7. my brown moccasins
8. my turquoise coat
9. my green capris

top places i frequented this year:
1. the apartment
2. the house (toward the end)
3. airports
4. woodman's
5. the SAC (German Cubby, usually)
6. My mom's apartment
7. espresso royale
8. microbial sciences building

frequently visited websites:
1. gmail
2. facebook
3. twitter
4. wisc.edu
5. blogger
6. beolingus
7. sporcle
8. amazon
9. nytimes

my materialistikah christmakkah list:
1. digital slr camera
2. ipod
3. ipad
4. amazon gift card
5. contact lenses/glasses
6. this bag: http://tinyurl.com/7tjovq8
7. sperry's/nicer boots
8. Camp/4
9. frequent flier miles

read this year:
1. ender's game
2. a heartbreaking work of staggering genius
3. a good man in africa
4. harry potter 3-7 (finally)
5. many rolling stone magazines
6. nytimes.com/twitter feed
7. somebody scream!/our america
8. the help
9. anatomy/physiology/microbio textbooks
10. a whole bunch of 19th century german literature

ze plan/random comments

2011- Get CNA job at UW hospital, Israel, summer school, fall semester in Madison.
2012- Germany, move to NY (Becca? In NEW YORK?), get job.
2012-2014-Nursing school in NY.

Been thinking a lot about that. It just feels like everything now has changed so drastically, and I miss a lot of what has been. Missing the past is a recurring curse in my and so many other people's lives. I think I get it from my mom.

It's funny how things can change so drastically within a week or two. Or a year. I think it's not as crazy to mention that things change so drastically over a decade, but hey, I'll put it out there anyway. As crazy as the constant changes and ups and downs may seem, however, it is also equally important to note that so many things stay constant. So many changes are just so frequent they become constant (if that makes any sense). I guess that's wholly vague but I guess I'll just leave it at that to at least pretend to conceal the fact that the pervading thought pattern for me now involves the opposite sex. Pathetic, I know, but somehow unavoidable. It's like my actual biological clock is screaming, "get on with it!" Sounds asinine considering my youthful age, but had I been born just a few decades earlier I'd probably already have a couple kids.

Sasha came up with this wonderful hypothesis about people on the east coast versus midwesterners. SO: Midwesterners are all outwardly nice, polite and welcoming, we have manners and can be quite talkative and outgoing. But when you get down to it, we all gossip and hate each other, find feuds and dwell on pettiness. East coasties are huge assholes on the outside, terse and businesslike, but they're actually really nice people who are caring and loving to their families and friends. It makes total sense to me.

I believe in nursing I've found my calling. Taking care of people is something that I feel like I am cut out for, and I love doing it. I'm a little sad that clinicals for my CNA class are over, I can't take care of anyone. I feel dumb for coming to this realization so late in my life because seriously, it's such an obvious choice for my career. Everyone who knows me knows it too. I've been watching Scrubs heavily, and it's interesting to watch how Elliott has to grow into taking care of people: she's not too intuitive and she often has issues connecting with her patients. I feel like there are so many people who want to go to med school who are like that. They really care about the patients and want to help them, but it's just not second nature for them. That's not to say they won't make great doctors because their heart is most certainly in the right place. It's just an interesting dichotomy to observe in people.


Sleep schedule is whacked. It's awful, falling asleep before two is a blessing. I wish I had some time off. Today at the lab Douglas was talking about his trip to Miami/Keys and I just felt like I needed some time in the tropics. It's been like...3 months-ish? Four months?! It sounds spoiled but Florida seriously sounds delightful right now. I wish I could just have a whole ONE day to do nothing. JUST ONE DAY OFF would be WONDERFUL.