closed doors

Two interviews and no jobs later, I'm feeling kind of crappy about myself. No, really crappy about myself. I'm going to work as a waitress all summer. And as a construction girl.

Someone recently told me that closed opportunities were usually just creations of new and better ones. I'm not sure if that's true...although maybe it is. If I get this visa next week (which I am crossing my fingers hard for) then maybe it's just the universe's way of telling me to enjoy my last summer in the US for a while. I hope that's what it is.

The worst part is that I don't even know what I did wrong. I had a good feeling after the interview and I don't know how I could've improved. The lady said the competition was really tough, but honestly, can it be that tough?? They were two other nursing students! There were only three of us! This means I couldn't even beat out one person. Not even one. That's just depressing.

Things have been hectic lately, I had a presentation and a project due yesterday (on a Monday! the world is cruel insanity). I'm on the home stretch, only three more weeks of class. Ever. It's a scary, but exciting world out there post-grad. crazy.

If I don't get this visa for next year (knock on very nice expensive rare cherry wood) I'm going to take out loans, quit my jobs and just go travel. Just go (obviously to places other than Europe). Worry about it later, come back and apply for a job as a nurse somewhere attainable, in a rural hospital. Live my life and try not to let the disappointment melt my spirit and destroy it. Maybe I'll get a dog.

The sad part, is with my luck I can see that happening. Lately I've been thinking a lot about the phrase 'if you don't like what they're saying, then change the conversation.' With my life. Instead of competing in the nursing field, I'm just flipping it up and doing something completely different and moving to Germany. Instead of trying to get a visa (which I'm terrified for, this streak of not getting what I want is scary!) and fighting a decision, I'll just go do something completely different. That's me. That's just how I am. Instead of doing things I don't enjoy, I just flip it on it's head and do something completely different. I don't know if that's a strength or a weakness...but for me it's kind of a fact. I have too much pride to not succeed in things, and if I can't succeed at something I care about I just...find something that I can succeed at. That's not really a good thing, typing it out like that, I suppose.

Now that I look at that paragraph and really analyze it, it's only true for professional endeavors. In social situations, I'll go out of my way to make things work and not give up on people or relationships for years. I wonder if that's the delicate balance I walk...and if that says something about where my priorities lie. And again the conversation changes--I wish what I wanted wasn't so dependent on other people.

So now...after all that psychobabble...I'm still sitting in a car place, waiting for tires and brakes. Thoughts can alter and distort reality so much, sometimes I forget that.

the first day

So, I'm sitting here at the Health Sciences Learning Center after my first morning working/shadowing up on the Oncology Floor at the University Hospital. It was a really interesting experience, which I will try to sum up here in thoughts and actual events. So. Here's how it went:

I woke up at 5am (heeeyyyy it's still pitch black, are you kidding me?!) shivering and kind of just accepted my fate, hopped in the shower, and got ready in record time to leave the house. The bike ride to the hospital was interesting, cloaked in a stylish UW Nursing School Uniform, I kept worrying that I would fall and eat cement, ruining my bleach white scrub top. Luckily, I made it all the way to the floor relatively problem free. When we arrived, we received our assignments, the first hour we followed around a nursing assistant (which I am technically licensed to do, so it was no new exciting experience, but a nice ease in to the rest of the morning). One challenging part of shadowing the Nurse's Aide was knowing that I am going shortly going to be in a position that is above her even though she was so much older an more experienced than I feel right now. It was weird because when we asked her questions about passing meds or some of the technology around the ward, she really had no idea because that wasn't in her scope of practice. It was nerve wracking knowing that I will have more responsibility than someone and will be responsible for bossing people around at some point in the very, very near future. Especially people who are older than me...it shows I'm going to have to have some authority and really know what I'm talking about in these situations. I should probably start studying more.

Anyway, after following around the NA for the first part, we switched to shadowing an RN, my potential future career. She was passing medicines, which was really interesting to watch. She was so knowledgeable about all of the meds she was giving and knew so much about her patient's dispositions...she knew how they would react to taking the medicines, who was a nice patient, who was grumpy...and she had all these tricks to help her patients feel special and unique even though her world was so complicated and she had so many patients to take care of. I want to be that type of person, the warm, caring person that makes each patient feel loved and taken care of, safe and trusting. It's really inspiring, especially when we would go into rooms that she would preface with: "this one isn't looking so good...the cancer has basically spread to his whole body" or "this family is going through a lot right now" or "he really wants to go home today, but we don't know if it'd be such a good idea." She had the perfect balance of not being too invested in these people's lives that she was going to get hurt, but still careful and warm to the patients and their families. I can't say enough about that.
So after some debriefing and charting practice (it's surprising how much of nursing is just knowing what and how to write things on charts for patients for other people to read and understand without having too much information or too little...) I'm sitting here waiting for my afternoon clinic, which I'll be visiting the Infusion Clinic. I'm not quite sure what that's about yet, but I will keep you all updated should anyone want to know.

I'm loving this job. Sometimes I get scared that I'm not doing enough to keep up. I feel like I've become a more average student since returning from Germany...I tend to put off doing work and just don't do extra work at all...which needs to change. I want to excel and be passionate and knowledgeable just like the other nurses. I have aspirations! I need to get my head in the game. One thing I've been working on more is focus. Do you have have those days where you just feel like you are somewhere else mentally? I need to actually have my head where I am, which I think will be helped out a lot once I get this whole internship stuff figured out for next summer. Things are looking good, the e-mail stuff and actual work in German should be greatly decreased for now. I'm literally still counting days though. I just want to go back...it's been weird since I've been home, this whole month. I feel like I had some weird switch go off in my brain and now I just try to fill my life with as much German stuff as I can so I can keep it all from slipping right through my fingers. I don't want to be the German obsessed girl here, but I am. It'll fix itself soon...things will balance out, but for now, the small things like blasting Peter Fox and CRo in my car make me happy, the big things like keeping in contact with my friends from Europe make me really happy, and connecting with other people in Madison also affiliated with Germany are nice additions to this school year. Being on a different continent also affected the way I deal with my family, which is an interesting side effect I didn't expect. I think it's improved many things about my outlook on that kind of stuff too.

Wednesday was a terrible day to learn from; among other terrible things, I lost my keys, had a little stress breakdown, and felt so crappy. Some days are like that though, I suppose. It feels good to be on the upswing of that, yesterday I FOUND my keys on my way to test drive cars for fun (buy Volkswagens, people!!) I try to keep positive and am just waiting for the next stress wave to roll over me and make me that much stronger.

I'm still hungry after 2 granola bars, an apple, and a sandwich. Metabolism problems or just legit super hungry? you be the judge.

walking through molasses

that's what my days feel like. I'm overwhelmed and want to accept defeat. This shit is hard. I mean, I'm doing mediocre in school, but this econ grade felt like a final blow. Like, a "what the hell are you doing" blow. I need to expand my horizons and find something I'm good at, because International Studies is not it. Watch this get really depressing when I start taking other classes and find out I kind of sort of am semi-qualified in everything but good at nothing.
And this is how I feel.
But I'm good at German, which was canceled today due to my professor being ill. Thank god, except for the fact that I woke up extra early to get to a class that just didn't exist.
And now to whine:
I have no interest in economics, I hate this class, I don't really even care how poorly I did on that test or the fact that there is no way to recover my grade at this point. I have no intention of studying harder for the second one or the final because honestly at this point it just makes me miserable. To hell with it. I'll never get econ, it's boring, it's annoying, and even my professor, the most enthusiastic person about economics I know, doesn't seem very excited about it anyway. Also, environmental studies isn't really tickling my fancy either, or at least this environmental conservation class isn't. I feel like it's redundant, and I'm definitely taking big ideas away from the lectures, but the little nit picky exams can go take a hike. (Hahah, I don't know about you, but I thoroughly enjoyed my nature pun.)

Yesterday I went out with Sarah to dinner, which was fun. She forgot her buns. (Sorry, love, they're gone :)) Tonight I'm going back home to do my laundry and be away from school, which I think I need to be. I work all weekend at Woodman's, and I'm not so upset about it, as I desperately need the money. I would also like to get my taxes done, ideally. If that happens, I will almost consider this weekend productive.
Also: Bursar's Office is completely useless to help me with my taxes. Fuck.
Now, I'm sitting in Rheta's, waiting to go to WSUM. I should see a counselor about my life. Aarushi and I are shadowing Maureen's movie music show, which I'm pretty psyched about.
Anyway.
I think I'm going to read some and get some ice cream to calm my nerves. It might also help to get some of this reading done...