march on til spring

This winter is just so long and horrible. I haven't been any where warm for a while (first world problems, right?) and I've been working and going to school. It's actually refreshing, after a whole semester of only going to school without employment. I enjoy the busy-ness.

I'm teaching German to little children, and it is AMAZING. I always go there after a long day though, unfortunately, so that's kind of a bummer. And rather than taking a German class I'm filling that hole by teaching and working at the Essen Haus. Love the dirndl.

I feel like I want to blog this crazy time in my life after I've made this insane decision to flee the country. I hear people around me talking about their life prospects and how much money they'll make right out of school and I'm choosing the European bohemian life over all things material (including paying off my college debt). It's such a me decision, I feel like I'm making the right one. I have so many ideas and open roads to follow, so when I think long and hard about it I am 100% sure I'm making the absolute right choice. It's just when I hear everyone else talk about their life plans when doubts crawl into my mind. It's like jumping off a cliff when no one else is. About not following people on the straight and narrow.

March is my least favorite month. It drags on forever. It's cold. There's snow. Spring still seems distant. The only holidays suck (St. Patrick's day? That's pretty weak, let's be honest). And to boot I feel like I'm coming down with a cold.

I wish I had some deep and profound observation about the world around me, but today I guess I don't. How many of those can one person have anyway? Can everyone's conversations be riddled with depth and ponderences about the complexity of life? Sometimes things are just mundane and we need to accept that. 

praktikum details

I thought it would be cool to write a little bit about what I do really in my Praktikum instead of just write, "yeah, I'm there when babies are delivered...nbd"

So first of all, let me just start of by saying I feel much more comfortable (at the moment) just watching babies be born. It's a comfortable place. I can observe without having to say much, I am sometimes needed (to hold this leg or that wash cloth or hold the baby's head or cut the umbilical cord) and am always happy at the end of the birth because there's a new little baby! I've learned some new vocabulary to help me, "ruhig und tief atmen...durch die Nase ein und durch den Mund aus" or "Sie können das schaffen! Das Baby ist gleich da! Ich kann das Köpfchen schon sehen!" [Breathe deeply and peacefully...in through the nose and out through the mouth" or "You can do this! The baby is going to be here very soon. I can already see the little head!] And I think gently touching the woman or offering something cold for her forehead is always appreciated. I try. I did see one really horrifying birth though...the hebamme was also mortified because the doctor just came in and kind of imposed his ideas on how the birth should run. I felt helpless. It turned out good in the end though, the baby girl was beautiful and healthy and very cuddly :)

What is really scary for me still is meeting people at the door when they ring the bell. I always have to ask how I can help them, and when they reply, chances are that I will 90% understand them, but not be able to repeat a word back to the Hebammen. And no one really explained much to me all at once, I've kind of had a slow learning curve so far (or at least to me it seems that way). Most often, women seem to come either for a "Termin zur Kontrolle" like...just to make sure everything is okay when they reach their errechneter Termin [due date], or an "Einleitung" which is an induction. Being induced in Germany is really much different than in the US: the women receive a "cocktail" made up of two tablespoons Rizinusöl (castor oil), two tablespoons Mandelmus (almond butter) and a bottle of carrot juice. If this doesn't work on the first day, they receive two cocktails on the second day. On the third day, I think they get three cocktails. On the fourth day after beginning induction if they haven't had any contractions, they finally receive one 500 mg (?) Cytotec tablet (usually the first line in the US, correct me if I'm wrong). If that doesn't work, they continue with cytotec...I haven't seen any invasive measures used quite yet, excluding breaking the bag of waters but they only do that when a birth is imminent as far as I can tell. Svenja, one of the hebammen, told me today that although they start inducing the births as early as 7 days after their due date, it really isn't an issue until later because at +7 days the baby may still not even be ready to be born. Giving birth past a due date only becomes a real issue when the placenta starts to break down and stops providing the baby with nutrients. Then is an induction really necessary.

Anyway, I usually lead these women, whether they are there for an Einleitung or a Kontrolle Termin, into a CTG Zimmer (EFM=electronic fetal monitor in English! I finally figured out the proper translation, more info can be found here) and I put the CTG on them. This involves placing two round discs on the woman's belly, one at the top of the fundus (where the top uterus is) to measure the force of the contraction, and one where the fetal heartbeat can be monitored (done through ultrasonic waves, so usually placed somewhere on the back of the child or near the child's head). I learned how to feel a pregnant woman's stomach to tell where the baby is laying (in welcher Stelle=in which position). It's so crazy because you can feel EVERYTHING. It's just a matter of being able to distinguish which lumps are which. I must admit I feel kind of boss when I ask (in German) if I can touch their belly and magically find a heartbeat in one try with the CTG Knopf. It's a good feeling.

One thing I find extraordinarily difficult in Germany is measuring blood pressure. I have done it a thousand times in America manually and with a machine. Here, first off, everything is manual. So, not only do I have to properly hear the two blood pressure measurements (systolic and diastolic), but I also have to remember the numbers in German. I'm not good at remembering them in English. it's really, really difficult. So like, if I think to myself..."ok, one hundred and twenty two over seventy eight" it's not so difficult. But THEN, I have to remember those numbers long enough to translate them, repeat them to the patient, "ein hundred zwei und zwanzig zu acht und siebzig" and write them down on a piece of paper. It's really difficult for me, I must say. In my opinion, made only worse by the fact that in German the number order is reversed, so rather than saying "seventy eight" I effectively have to say "eight and seventy."

Another one of my menial tasks is to "urine tasten" or test urine. The women all pee in a cup (really unscientific, it's not collected by a lab or anything, they just simply leave the urine cups in one of the two bathrooms and I come on by) and then I stick a stick into it which tests for leukocytes, erythrocytes, pH (pay-hah in German :D ) glucose, protein and a host of other possibilities which I can't pronounce in German. I then report this back to the Hebammen too, usually also written on the paper that the CTG machines spit out with the results. Yep. The vocab for all the stuff I am learning. No biggie.

Other things I do: clean the Kreißsaale after births, help the hebammen do random stuff, hang IV bags/prime tubing, change pillow cases, fold towels, run blood down to the lab (no, there is no tube system, I run it down wearing a white lab coat...usually because it's raining and I have to actually leave the building to get to the lab), pick up Steri from the autoclave people (that's also on a different floor), weigh, measure, dress and give vitamin k to newborns, make Bändchen for the babies (little bracelets for their wrists), set the table for breakfast, make Wehencocktails (for the inductions). It's so much, it's so different every day, and I am absolutely beside myself because I love it so much.


In other news...things have been good. I had a sore throat yesterday but slept forever and it went away. today it's back a little, but it's alright. Hopefully I'll survive. I'm still trying to figure out the insurance thing...working on it. Over the weekend I didn't do much in the way of social things...had to work both days. Marco and I had a lovely Sunday afternoon today though, wandering around Bonn, eating ice cream, pizza and drinking beer. He has some free time now, which is awesome because every second I'm not working I'm basically free. Maja is reading some paper or making some bizarre youtube video about cats, god only knows, and everyone else is working on some presentation or another. Excited for the upcoming week :D :D

Goodness I love it here! Words can't even describe. Apart from having to wake up at 6 this morning, the day was perfect. Absolutely perfect.


Bis nachher...
Becca
{geburtszahl: 7}

the poor decision to wear a thong, flowers, and getting past the past

My birth total has increased to six now. Today is a good day to recap because I have it off. I slept in until like 8 (ok, then 10). Yesterday I saw one beautiful birth with a woman who had a personality similar to mine I think. In the breaks between contractions, she would say funny and/or somewhat awkward things. It was cute. She was sweet, and her husband cried. Hell, I almost cried (yeah, not very professional, but THERE WAS A NEW BABY IN THE ROOM!) It occurred to me that before every birth I've seen, there are usually 4 people in a room, and then the room population actually INCREASES! How crazy of an idea is that? I guess not that crazy when you say it like that, but when you think of it, at least to me, it's a little mind blowing.
I got my first gift! A woman from a couple days ago and her husband came in with their little girl and gave me and the other hebamme flowers! I couldn't stop smiling, my day was totally made! They are so pretty and that meant absolutely so much to me...I can only imagine what I meant to them. It's weird because I might be in their stories about their kids for years to come! The American intern :D

Here's a picture of the cupcakes I baked for Maja's party last week. I am proud. :D

 Here's a picture of breakfast we get every morning in the break room at the Kreißsaal.

 This is what I did after work the other day. It was amazing.

I've met most of the Hebammen that work there, they are all so sweet and have this unbelievable quality about them. I went to a Besprechung (basically just a meeting with all of them that work there) and they are all really beautiful and elegant in their own way, confident, and have large eyes that hold on to your every word. They're all caring in their own ways, but each has their own way about them. I love it. I realize I am idealizing them, but I respect them all not in a way that they each accomplished something great, but in the way that their natural state of being is so conducive to the profession.

The day before yesterday I went to my first c-section. It was an experience because I've been to surgeries in the US before and this was just a variation on the theme. Sterile technique was the same (if not more sterile here, but they use all autoclaved metal instruments whereas we throw everything plastic away). However, what was very bizarre was changing! There was this bench thing that, once you had stripped down to your skivvies, you had to climb over to get into the sterile area where the surgery scrubs were and then seek out your size of scrubs and shoes and dress there. Butt naked. Needless to say, wearing a thong turned out to be a bad choice.

We saw the Great Gatsby auf deutsch last night. I wish I could identify less with Gatsby and just let the past stay there.
And, with that I shall leave you.

Bis gleich :)

adjustments continue

It's been a long two weeks, but also I guess a short two weeks. (Totally going for that Charles Dickens vibe right now). I've started my new (incredibly time consuming) job at Oakwood, which I love and gives me the experiences I want and reminds me why I want to be a nurse every day. I worked a lot this week: 35+ hours, plus school, plus working with the guy I work with in home. I didn't get much homework done, but I did try to get things turned in on time. One big regret from last weekend was letting social time get in the way of a good grade (may have ruined my chances at getting an A in that class at all, but hey, maybe this is just a sign from god for me to just not give so much of my soul to school anymore...)

I'm 22 now, and feel like I'm getting older. It's harder to concentrate. It's harder to retain information. It's harder to learn things. It's harder to have patience for slowly but surely becoming a cat lady.

All this work lately with dying/elderly people has me thinking about so many things in such a major way. First of all, I am scared of dying alone, still, after all these years, I'm pretty sure my worst fear is still dying alone. Watching people care for their loved ones while they are in the last hours/days/months/years of their lives is touching and makes me happy for them, sad for them, and oddly jealous all at the same time. Happy because there is so much love out there, so many people full of life and hope that they want to remind people how much they're loved right up until their last breaths. Remind them of their lives worth living. There is so much life and energy and humor in these people (the families...not always the patients. Patients can be rather frightening at times and also to all those who believed that dying was a graceful passage into the great beyond, spoiler alert! it's not.) Sad for them in that these types of events can tear apart families. It ends marriages. The death of a spouse seems like one of the most traumatizing experiences that one could experience...It's nice to see the strength of humanity but terribly depressing all at the same time to know that as humans we have to endure such pain. Jealousy happens only because part of me, somewhere deep down, has a strong sneaking suspicion that I will die alone blah blah blah because of all the aforementioned reasons in this blog (blah blah blah I want it so bad that it'll never happen to me, etc, etc, etc). Not to steal a line from Mr. Gibbard again, but who's going to watch you die?


Anyway, off of that depressing business. Life here has also felt antsy. Lost. In the way that I know that something isn't right but I can't pinpoint it at all. I feel like my experiences recently have ruined me for real life. I feel like this is no longer my life, but rather some bookmarked page in a book that I put down for a year and picked back up and only vaguely remember the plot and main characters mid-way through the story. I wonder if this feeling will ever alleviate itself.

I'm going to Germany in 38 days. I literally count the hours. I look at somewhat torturous tasks as just ways to make it hours closer to my deparature. Anything to get away from here again...so much stress and worrying and not enough (but somehow all at once way too much?) socializing.



My life has taken a turn for the extremely weird and incredibly disorganized.

shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots

That has been my life this week! Starting with tequila shots in Milwaukee on Saturday evening. It was a good weekend even though I totally missed out on seeing Obama on Saturday. I hope that he'll come to Madison again before his time as President is through, as I haven't really properly gotten to see him. I really hope Obama wins this election, he's so accessible although he has his flaws as do all politicians, I can't help but wonder what terrors this country would be subjected to should Romney actually win. I can't even imagine how far backwards we could fall.

So, getting out of the whole political business, this week is getting real in Nursing School. It's been difficult to keep up with all the information I need to know for all the different classes, but I'm starting to get the hang of it. There are so many little assignments and things that can really easily be missed or overlooked it can get a little overwhelming at times. Not to mention when you wake up so early in the morning, 10 o'clock in the morning feels like lunchtime and I seem to have this insatiable hunger.

Today, after my pharmacology exam (first exam of the semester, didn't study enough, was a little bumpy but too late to sweat it now) there were shots to celebrate! Not the tequila sort, of course, but rather the type given intradermally or muscularly. I think that's the moment that every nurse remembers...maybe? Giving her first shot. I was the first person in the class to do it, and I was pretty frightened. I can't really explain the sensation...at first we had to give them to ourselves in our tummies, which HURT. I think I did it too slow when I did that one and it was rather painful. The second shot I administered was on one of my lab mates...I also went to slow on her and she said that wasn't so pleasant. But on the bright side, I managed to pull of a beautiful intradermal injection without a hitch! We practiced further on a 'fat bag' (yep, just a bag of fat) so I think I'm better at it now. The whole trick is to know that you have to stick someone with confidence and decision. You aren't going to hurt them if you're quick, but you will if you coddle them too much! It's really an opposite type situation. My lab instructor said that a lot of times nurses will hit bone, but luckily that didn't happen to me. The main goal was to act confident and not say 'oops' or other goofy comments to make your patient doubt your abilities. It's hard to keep things to myself sometimes and not give full disclosure about how inexperienced I am.

Other things that happened...I got a second job! All is back to normal now. I hope it's not a problem that I'm going to Germany this summer. (Although I am a little worried, hospital in Bonn hasn't gotten back to me after a week, do I e-mail again?) It will be a huge time suck and I'm probably missing out on a trip to Florida because of it, but ultimately it's worth it and I need the money. And the experience. It's a wonderful place to have a first CNA (as a team) job.

Half an hour nap on this desk before German? Sounds about right to me.

ciao

Bonn-ding

I'm in love with Bonn. It's like the Madison of Europe.
Classes started this week, I went to a really scary and intimidating lecture on Monday with Janina...she said it was really interesting, which it probably would've been had I understood more than 40% of what the teacher was saying. I did find out, however, that a famous German actor is in that class...so I was graced with fame on my first day of school!

I went to two classes yesterday, one was an actual German class and the other was from the International Office covering German politics and geography, etc. It was really interesting, but I'm having trouble actually enrolling in the class so I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to take it. I also went to a class called "Bilder in den Köpfen" which is about stereotypes and identities...it's a smaller class and it seems really interesting and thankfully the Dozentin said that the 5 American students who want to be in the class could work together on a Refarat. It's 15 pages long and a 10 minute verbal presentation...I might ask her if I can write the paper in English just because it sounds so intimidating.

Today I had a Conversation and Vocabulary class from the International Office, which was really helpful. The teacher just makes us describe things in German. It sounds easy, but it's kind of hard in English when you think about describing what the difference between a list and a form is.
I've been spending a lot of time just exploring Bonn these past few days...it's weird to be in school and yet still have so much time on my hands. Today I'm going to try to find a job around here teaching English, not only because I need the money but I also feel like I need something to do.

I'm getting over the drinking and partying phase of my time here, although I understand I am on an extended vacation and I should live it up more than I think I want to right now. It's not good for my health and it's kind of a nasty, expensive little habit to keep up with. I always overestimate how much partying I'm doing though, so I'm still trying to be at least a little outgoing and open to those kind of experiences. I'm going to Barcelona this weekend though, and I assume there will be some partying going on so I'm not too worried about missing out on the Europe-in-your-early-twenties experience. I've been doing a lot of exploring and walking/running around the city. I ran over the Rhein a couple times now, and today after class Zerina and I took a leisurely stroll around the UN Campus and all the way back to the center of Bonn. I feel like my experiences here are mostly contained in the Innenstadt (equivalent to the campus/downtown Madison area, probably, maybe smaller) even though Bonn is a little bigger than Madison.

Tomorrow I have a super long day, class until 7:30pm or something, but I'm happy to be flying to Barcelona on Friday to see Sarah! There have been some problems with the plans, but hopefully everything will work out well. And I'm also really, really looking forward to a big hug from my Dad on Tuesday :)

ze plan/random comments

2011- Get CNA job at UW hospital, Israel, summer school, fall semester in Madison.
2012- Germany, move to NY (Becca? In NEW YORK?), get job.
2012-2014-Nursing school in NY.

Been thinking a lot about that. It just feels like everything now has changed so drastically, and I miss a lot of what has been. Missing the past is a recurring curse in my and so many other people's lives. I think I get it from my mom.

It's funny how things can change so drastically within a week or two. Or a year. I think it's not as crazy to mention that things change so drastically over a decade, but hey, I'll put it out there anyway. As crazy as the constant changes and ups and downs may seem, however, it is also equally important to note that so many things stay constant. So many changes are just so frequent they become constant (if that makes any sense). I guess that's wholly vague but I guess I'll just leave it at that to at least pretend to conceal the fact that the pervading thought pattern for me now involves the opposite sex. Pathetic, I know, but somehow unavoidable. It's like my actual biological clock is screaming, "get on with it!" Sounds asinine considering my youthful age, but had I been born just a few decades earlier I'd probably already have a couple kids.

Sasha came up with this wonderful hypothesis about people on the east coast versus midwesterners. SO: Midwesterners are all outwardly nice, polite and welcoming, we have manners and can be quite talkative and outgoing. But when you get down to it, we all gossip and hate each other, find feuds and dwell on pettiness. East coasties are huge assholes on the outside, terse and businesslike, but they're actually really nice people who are caring and loving to their families and friends. It makes total sense to me.

I believe in nursing I've found my calling. Taking care of people is something that I feel like I am cut out for, and I love doing it. I'm a little sad that clinicals for my CNA class are over, I can't take care of anyone. I feel dumb for coming to this realization so late in my life because seriously, it's such an obvious choice for my career. Everyone who knows me knows it too. I've been watching Scrubs heavily, and it's interesting to watch how Elliott has to grow into taking care of people: she's not too intuitive and she often has issues connecting with her patients. I feel like there are so many people who want to go to med school who are like that. They really care about the patients and want to help them, but it's just not second nature for them. That's not to say they won't make great doctors because their heart is most certainly in the right place. It's just an interesting dichotomy to observe in people.


Sleep schedule is whacked. It's awful, falling asleep before two is a blessing. I wish I had some time off. Today at the lab Douglas was talking about his trip to Miami/Keys and I just felt like I needed some time in the tropics. It's been like...3 months-ish? Four months?! It sounds spoiled but Florida seriously sounds delightful right now. I wish I could just have a whole ONE day to do nothing. JUST ONE DAY OFF would be WONDERFUL.