Sometimes I wonder how normal girls in nursing school live. I wonder about those people that wake up in the mornings and shower, put foundation on, and blow dry their hair. I wonder what they think about as they pull on all their winter gear and head out the door to bike to class. I wonder what they think about as they sit there and pay attention without letting their mind wander across an ocean. I wonder what happens at lunch when they chat with all their friends about their school work, their boyfriends, they're super diets to save up the calories for Thanksgiving. I wonder what they do after school, do they go to the library to actually read the assigned chapters? Do they read extra, above and beyond what's required for the quizzes? After studying, do they go home to their friends and boyfriends and do fun things? Do they work sometimes? Do they call their parents? Do they go to the gym?
I feel so alienated from normalcy lately. I feel like I've (surprise surprise) been thrust into that corner of grown-up responsibility compounded by many too many previous responsibilities that just seem to grow like insatiable raccoons hiding in the garbage cans outside my window. Yep, I think they're out there, I hear rustling sometimes. Raccoons, if you're reading, kindly leave our backyard.
When I read back on what I think normal people do, I guess it's not so far from what I do usually, except for the constantly thinking about escaping this place and worrying that I'm going to die or my family is going to die. I feel like my hypochondria is waning lately...replaced with constant worry about my mom. I guess I've never really been confronted by someone dying before. Or possibly dying. I tried to keep that thought at the very, very back of my mind. Tried to keep my chin up. I convinced myself that my mom will survive this, obviously, there's very little risk here. When I hear the risks, I just kind of assume that she'll be in the upward swing of that statistic, that death won't find her after she's run so feistily after all these years. But I guess the truth of the matter is that there is a very real and scary chance that I could lose my mother really soon. That she won't respond very well to the chemo and it will kill her faster than the cancer would have. I don't know how to think of that. I guess it's like trying to imagine a googolplex things...unfathomable basically. I'm not sure how I would take it. I guess the chances of my outliving my mom are pretty reasonable, so I'm not sure how I will take it. I have this grand plan that if that happens, I'm just going to uproot and forget my life here. Just start over. Take it as a sign of being free to do what I want.
I'm so confused and trying to stay strong to show everyone else that it will be okay too. I was doing a great job, and I hope to still be, but is it at the cost of reality? At the cost of accepting my mothers mortality?
I feel so alienated from normalcy lately. I feel like I've (surprise surprise) been thrust into that corner of grown-up responsibility compounded by many too many previous responsibilities that just seem to grow like insatiable raccoons hiding in the garbage cans outside my window. Yep, I think they're out there, I hear rustling sometimes. Raccoons, if you're reading, kindly leave our backyard.
When I read back on what I think normal people do, I guess it's not so far from what I do usually, except for the constantly thinking about escaping this place and worrying that I'm going to die or my family is going to die. I feel like my hypochondria is waning lately...replaced with constant worry about my mom. I guess I've never really been confronted by someone dying before. Or possibly dying. I tried to keep that thought at the very, very back of my mind. Tried to keep my chin up. I convinced myself that my mom will survive this, obviously, there's very little risk here. When I hear the risks, I just kind of assume that she'll be in the upward swing of that statistic, that death won't find her after she's run so feistily after all these years. But I guess the truth of the matter is that there is a very real and scary chance that I could lose my mother really soon. That she won't respond very well to the chemo and it will kill her faster than the cancer would have. I don't know how to think of that. I guess it's like trying to imagine a googolplex things...unfathomable basically. I'm not sure how I would take it. I guess the chances of my outliving my mom are pretty reasonable, so I'm not sure how I will take it. I have this grand plan that if that happens, I'm just going to uproot and forget my life here. Just start over. Take it as a sign of being free to do what I want.
I'm so confused and trying to stay strong to show everyone else that it will be okay too. I was doing a great job, and I hope to still be, but is it at the cost of reality? At the cost of accepting my mothers mortality?
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