Everyone is supposed to go through some sort of adjustment struggle when they study abroad, right? There's the predicted drop in morale after a certain amount of time...the realization that it's no longer fun and games, the moment when you realize life as an expat isn't all you cracked it up to be. Well, I guess that moment passed me by, but what came instead was in my opinion worse. This weekend, from Thursday through today, has been rough. I've been faced with this (what seemed/seems like a world shaking life changing) decision about what to do with my life from now out. I've fallen so deeply and madly in love with Germany, environmentally, socially, politcally...developed good friendships, close friends, that live here, and now I'm being faced with the reality having to give it all up, go home, and return to my life. The life that I love and have laid out for myself, but nonetheless, giving up the place (and the people) I love. So: I came up with options. Defer nursing school to come here and bum around for a year or so.
Graduate with a German degree in December, come back and do a midwifery program that also has a bachelor's degree attached. (starting in 2014 anyway). Then maybe come back and do American nursing school.
Graduate and come back, try to find an internship and a job. Then midwifery thing. Or master's program.
Graduate, do a nursing Ausbildung. Do the midwifery thing...
Variations on a theme.
Well, those options sound nice and free and like I have time to do it while I'm young. Like I'm doing something that takes strength and stick-to-it-tiveness. While I still know people in Bonn. Buuttttt...as idealistic and nice as that all would be, it makes more sense for me to get a nursing degree first so I can have a viable job...and I can still become a midwife in Germany (or in the states) and practice in either place. I assume the demand for English speaking midwives is probably high-ish here or maybe there's at least a niche. So that's my new plan. And, to top it off so I can try to have my cake and eat it too, I'm going to try to come back next summer for a few months to do a Praktikum at a Krießsaal in Köln. Or in Bonn. The way I see it, that's pretty necessary if I don't want to lose my German speaking ability.
Part of me (a large part if not a majority) feels really sad that I don't have the will and spontaneousness to just pack up and leave. To start a new romantic life in a new place without even looking back. I know I'm strong enough to do that, but the rational part of my brain just won't let me. I think that's what has been so hard about this decision: comparing the sane, responsible Becca with the independent, free idealistic vision of myself in my head. I don't want to be ruled by rules and regulations, but rather what makes me happy. I guess where it gets complicated is that sometimes what makes me happy is the success that comes from following the natural, responsible order of things. It means too much to me to just toss it to the wayside.
So anyway, now that I have that all off my chest...this weekend was fun-ish when I wasn't obsessing about my future. On Thursday I went out with a few girls to drink Sangria at a bar and called it an early night, Friday was the earth shattering political Euro Cup game where Germany kicked Greece's ass in football (4:2). It was crazy because a lot of the public transportation was completely shut down because of fans bumrushing the streets. Incredible feeling! Saturday was another of those notorious Ferdi parties...I found the whole experience a little creepy this time because of the creepy men and the drama...Today Amy and I spent the whole day up at Starbucks and I finished working on my Referat for my Geography class. I'm presenting about the German versus the American healthcare system when it comes to reproductive health, pregnancy and birth. Tomorrow is an exciting Monday full of studying.
Hope all's well that ends well...
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