strength

when i can't be strong and responsible anymore, who will be? who will tell my parents and my family that things will be okay? who will tell me that things will be okay? how will i keep myself occupied and feeling like i'm worth something to someone (even if that someone is me)? who will clean up little messes silently?

i feel like i've been through so many of these bad-news type situations, i just brace myself for bad news every time i talk to someone. i think it's some sort of defense mechanism that started when i was very young when my mother would regularly have to go into the hospital. i remember always thinking, 'please let it not be her, please let it not be her.' and for the past few years, i've been blessed with having to worry about her very little, she's been stable and save for the occasional slip-up pretty with-it. i still have that though, every time the phone rings and it's a family member or a random number all i think is, 'please let it not be her.' and lately i've extended the 'her' to every other person out there that i love because it seems like everywhere i look something is going wrong with my family and loved ones.

there have been few times in my life where the bad news was really, really bad. like, the person i love might not survive bad. but that news is the hardest, the kind of news where you have to prevent yourself from falling down by locking your knees with every muscle in your body. the kind of news where tears just start streaming and you can't do anything about it. the sinking feeling you get when someone says, "Now Rebecca, don't freak out but..."