stressed out as usual. feel like this is an important part in my life to document but just have no energy for much other than the fundamental things that need to be done. which, occasionally, includes going out with my friends. i'm so tired but just don't want to sleep. i value this alone time at night so much i don't like it to end.
i'm slowly trying to work toward my goals, this includes ending my sloth like tendencies and replacing them with 'fleißig' like tendencies, like always volunteering to get things for people and get out of my chair as much as possible. and drinking coffee. i'm officially addicted to caffeine now, so that's cool.
i'm looking forward to maja coming in just 10.5 short days. sometimes i think about it and just smile because it's so geil that she'll be here! even though i won't really be able to entertain her too much. sadly.
i guess a recurrent thought in my head lately has been this preoccupation with how when girls are aloof, boys are so attracted. as soon as they become used to the attention and begin having feelings for this pursuer, he backs off. why is this? i feel like this almost universally true...i understand the idea of the chase but fuuuuuuck me it's hard for me to follow these policies. not getting attached to someone who is adorable to you and then kind of leaves you high and dry is hard. not that there are any love interests in my life right now...
that's another weird part of my life. usually i at least have someone to gush about and have a crush on. now i have nooooo one! it's liberating in a really lonely way. it's especially hard with this mom shit, but it's been great to get out of the box and hang out with new people and people that i probably wouldn't make such an effort for if i had a boyfriend. it's really nice to realize that there are many people out there that care about me and my family, even if i don't have that one that i can always count on. it's like a safety net rather than a safety ladder. gotta stay positive.
nursing is amazing. i love taking care of people and getting to know them and what helps and hinders them. i love feeling like i'm actually making a difference in one person's life...just like i always thought about in high school. you can't change the world, but you can change one person's world. it's a lot of responsibility, and it's so fulfilling. it's like...selfish somehow because maybe i just do it to make me happy...but is that a thing? that's like how i love giving people things because i like seeing them happy. does that qualify as selfish? sometimes i want them to remember me and i get disappointed in people when they don't reciprocate such things, but i guess that just comes with the territory. i think this is what is qualified as 'a pushover.'
alright, time to try to fall asleep in my freezing cold bed. i can't feel my toes and i'm constantly stiff from freezing. i hate this part of the winter, when i just want it to end. may can't come fast enough, but somehow now i feel like i'm dreading it because my family is secretly judging me and i have things about my way of life in germany that i'd like to change...seems unlikely that it will change but i'll be damned if i ruin a summer abroad over some dumb emotions.
ich danke euch für ihre Geduld, ich sage so viele Sachen so selten und ich fühle mich, als ob die Sachen eine Zusammenhang fehlen.
ich hab nie mal das Gefühl, dass ich nicht mehr kann aber ich bin manchmal überfordert mit meiner Situation hier...ich weiß manchmal nicht was nach A, B, C kommen sollte. ich weiß nicht wie ich meine Gedanken äußern soll also am Ende bin ich hier gelandet. keine ahnung.
bis dann, leute.
i'm slowly trying to work toward my goals, this includes ending my sloth like tendencies and replacing them with 'fleißig' like tendencies, like always volunteering to get things for people and get out of my chair as much as possible. and drinking coffee. i'm officially addicted to caffeine now, so that's cool.
i'm looking forward to maja coming in just 10.5 short days. sometimes i think about it and just smile because it's so geil that she'll be here! even though i won't really be able to entertain her too much. sadly.
i guess a recurrent thought in my head lately has been this preoccupation with how when girls are aloof, boys are so attracted. as soon as they become used to the attention and begin having feelings for this pursuer, he backs off. why is this? i feel like this almost universally true...i understand the idea of the chase but fuuuuuuck me it's hard for me to follow these policies. not getting attached to someone who is adorable to you and then kind of leaves you high and dry is hard. not that there are any love interests in my life right now...
that's another weird part of my life. usually i at least have someone to gush about and have a crush on. now i have nooooo one! it's liberating in a really lonely way. it's especially hard with this mom shit, but it's been great to get out of the box and hang out with new people and people that i probably wouldn't make such an effort for if i had a boyfriend. it's really nice to realize that there are many people out there that care about me and my family, even if i don't have that one that i can always count on. it's like a safety net rather than a safety ladder. gotta stay positive.
nursing is amazing. i love taking care of people and getting to know them and what helps and hinders them. i love feeling like i'm actually making a difference in one person's life...just like i always thought about in high school. you can't change the world, but you can change one person's world. it's a lot of responsibility, and it's so fulfilling. it's like...selfish somehow because maybe i just do it to make me happy...but is that a thing? that's like how i love giving people things because i like seeing them happy. does that qualify as selfish? sometimes i want them to remember me and i get disappointed in people when they don't reciprocate such things, but i guess that just comes with the territory. i think this is what is qualified as 'a pushover.'
alright, time to try to fall asleep in my freezing cold bed. i can't feel my toes and i'm constantly stiff from freezing. i hate this part of the winter, when i just want it to end. may can't come fast enough, but somehow now i feel like i'm dreading it because my family is secretly judging me and i have things about my way of life in germany that i'd like to change...seems unlikely that it will change but i'll be damned if i ruin a summer abroad over some dumb emotions.
ich danke euch für ihre Geduld, ich sage so viele Sachen so selten und ich fühle mich, als ob die Sachen eine Zusammenhang fehlen.
ich hab nie mal das Gefühl, dass ich nicht mehr kann aber ich bin manchmal überfordert mit meiner Situation hier...ich weiß manchmal nicht was nach A, B, C kommen sollte. ich weiß nicht wie ich meine Gedanken äußern soll also am Ende bin ich hier gelandet. keine ahnung.
bis dann, leute.
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