I don't even know where to begin. I just feel so many things and think so many things and experience the same things over and over again and feel like I'm drowning.
Last week Maja was here--it was a blast. It was great to see her and spend time not doing so much stuff for school. I managed to get an A on a test while she was here so that was pretty awesome too. It was a nice change to being so lonely all the time. I know this sounds whiny and depressing but honestly I feel so alone lately. I think that if I had a better support system where I didn't feel like I was burdening everyone I talked to, I would probably handle this situation a lot better (this situation being the mom thing among other various challenges that are compounded by that). I don't like burdening people, I like taking care of them and helping them with their problems; I think I come out of my comfort zone when that role reverses itself.
So here's the lowdown on being alone:
I feel like for some reason, everyone I know has gotten into a relationship or has someone to turn to. In some ways, I feel this horrible sense of abandonment at a really difficult time in my life. It extends to leaving Germany, it extends to my best friends having significant others, it extends to my dad finding a girlfriend, it extends to my mom being sick, it extends to just everyone who has left me here, feeling sad, and alone, and me not wanting to ask for help because I am genuinely happy for their happiness. I don't want to bring them down! And seriously, this whole situation is so fucked up and sad and I wouldn't know how to process this information if someone I wasn't best friends with tried to confide some of this stuff to me. I also feel like there's so much pressure on me to not let myself and others down, but who is there to not let me down? You know? I feel like almost everyone has let me down in some way or another, of no fault of their own. I don't even expect things out of people, but I get hopeful that someone will contact me and ask me how I am, or that someone will just show an ounce of interest in me. It's just a hope, it's not an expectation, I'm not angry, I'm just sad that I feel forgotten somehow. Down in the cracks of everyone else's life, them knowing that I'm strong enough to deal with this. Which I am, but it would be nice to have steady support. Sarah is always there for me, but even she leaves and she has a boyfriend and I don't want to burden her more. I feel like I'm letting down people who know me as this happy party going person. I feel like I'm letting down people who think I'm a good student (I'm not getting good grades). I feel like I'm letting down people who think I'm a great daughter by fleeing to Germany this summer. I feel like I'm letting down myself for wanting to retreat to a time where things weren't so difficult and by knowing that it will never be the same no matter if I go back to Bonn or not. That time of my life is gone, and it's so hard sometimes to accept that. It's just so, so so hard.
Today I went to visit my mom in between classes and more classes and office hours. She was sick. My mom was sick. It's amazing how quickly things can get bad for her. I'm worried--she can't have chemo when she's sick like this, or when her blood counts are low (which they've been for a few weeks now) and if she doesn't have chemo, she'll die. She'll die. That is what her doctor told us, that "not getting chemo is the greatest threat to her life." What if she dies unexpectedly while I'm in Germany? And this whole apartment thing...so many levels of a bad idea. I can see my summer going in an even worse and more lonely direction than my life here. I hate that my last carefree and happy memories involve something so impossible. And at the same time it would be so convenient and an opportunity for so much good.
Anyway, I'm just so worried about my mom. I'm worried about her mentally, about her physically, emotionally. I'm so drained from seeing her sick like this. When it's not one thing, it's another thing, it's another hurdle to overcome, it's another thing to juggle, it's another time I have to reassure her that it's okay, it's another time I have to see her so sick and helpless and scared. I hate lying---I want to believe every word I tell her and others about how she's going to be okay, I want to believe these things that come out of my mouth, I want to be strong and stop weeping all the time. I want to stop having to run to the bathroom to stop crying, I want to stop having to think about her every time I hear about cancer (which happens EVERY DAY when you're a nursing student). I want to get through this!
I had my doula class this weekend--I am so sure that this is the profession for me. I'm so willing and happy when I see people who need help. I'm so full of love and hope for these families, and so happy. Just so, so so happy. At the same time, I'm scared that I will never share this experience. I'm scared that my life is so scary and untouchable for people that I will be alone. I feel like I've gotten to a point of desperation when my dad sends me text messages about how I should get set up with someone from the hospital. When even he is concerned about how alone I've been for so long. Guess that's just one more red flag in the line of "becca's going to die alone" warning signs.
I realize this whole post is just really messed up, scary, alienating, and getting published publicly online, but somehow I take comfort that I can just write this, not know who reads it, and use it as kind of just a call for help. Not in the way that I need so many more people asking me superficially how my mom is, but just being a little understanding that I am going through a LOT right now. Just...a lot. In fact--I discourage this; I don't like giving half problem stories to people. There is so much going on, the "how are you?" question becomes so loaded. I don't need more time commitments, coffee dates...I barely have time to breathe anyway...I don't know what kind of help I need, but this is a good first step toward getting that for myself, I feel. Attention? I don't know. Also, I've taken to watching TV shows where people are there for each other--How I Met Your Mother and Friends being good examples. It gives me hope in people in a way that is really hard to explain. I've really gotten myself into a conundrum. I wouldn't know where to begin with myself if I were reading this, and for that I apologize.
This time last year I was having the time of my life with the greatest people on earth. It's so amazing how quickly life comes at you...
Last week Maja was here--it was a blast. It was great to see her and spend time not doing so much stuff for school. I managed to get an A on a test while she was here so that was pretty awesome too. It was a nice change to being so lonely all the time. I know this sounds whiny and depressing but honestly I feel so alone lately. I think that if I had a better support system where I didn't feel like I was burdening everyone I talked to, I would probably handle this situation a lot better (this situation being the mom thing among other various challenges that are compounded by that). I don't like burdening people, I like taking care of them and helping them with their problems; I think I come out of my comfort zone when that role reverses itself.
So here's the lowdown on being alone:
I feel like for some reason, everyone I know has gotten into a relationship or has someone to turn to. In some ways, I feel this horrible sense of abandonment at a really difficult time in my life. It extends to leaving Germany, it extends to my best friends having significant others, it extends to my dad finding a girlfriend, it extends to my mom being sick, it extends to just everyone who has left me here, feeling sad, and alone, and me not wanting to ask for help because I am genuinely happy for their happiness. I don't want to bring them down! And seriously, this whole situation is so fucked up and sad and I wouldn't know how to process this information if someone I wasn't best friends with tried to confide some of this stuff to me. I also feel like there's so much pressure on me to not let myself and others down, but who is there to not let me down? You know? I feel like almost everyone has let me down in some way or another, of no fault of their own. I don't even expect things out of people, but I get hopeful that someone will contact me and ask me how I am, or that someone will just show an ounce of interest in me. It's just a hope, it's not an expectation, I'm not angry, I'm just sad that I feel forgotten somehow. Down in the cracks of everyone else's life, them knowing that I'm strong enough to deal with this. Which I am, but it would be nice to have steady support. Sarah is always there for me, but even she leaves and she has a boyfriend and I don't want to burden her more. I feel like I'm letting down people who know me as this happy party going person. I feel like I'm letting down people who think I'm a good student (I'm not getting good grades). I feel like I'm letting down people who think I'm a great daughter by fleeing to Germany this summer. I feel like I'm letting down myself for wanting to retreat to a time where things weren't so difficult and by knowing that it will never be the same no matter if I go back to Bonn or not. That time of my life is gone, and it's so hard sometimes to accept that. It's just so, so so hard.
Today I went to visit my mom in between classes and more classes and office hours. She was sick. My mom was sick. It's amazing how quickly things can get bad for her. I'm worried--she can't have chemo when she's sick like this, or when her blood counts are low (which they've been for a few weeks now) and if she doesn't have chemo, she'll die. She'll die. That is what her doctor told us, that "not getting chemo is the greatest threat to her life." What if she dies unexpectedly while I'm in Germany? And this whole apartment thing...so many levels of a bad idea. I can see my summer going in an even worse and more lonely direction than my life here. I hate that my last carefree and happy memories involve something so impossible. And at the same time it would be so convenient and an opportunity for so much good.
Anyway, I'm just so worried about my mom. I'm worried about her mentally, about her physically, emotionally. I'm so drained from seeing her sick like this. When it's not one thing, it's another thing, it's another hurdle to overcome, it's another thing to juggle, it's another time I have to reassure her that it's okay, it's another time I have to see her so sick and helpless and scared. I hate lying---I want to believe every word I tell her and others about how she's going to be okay, I want to believe these things that come out of my mouth, I want to be strong and stop weeping all the time. I want to stop having to run to the bathroom to stop crying, I want to stop having to think about her every time I hear about cancer (which happens EVERY DAY when you're a nursing student). I want to get through this!
I had my doula class this weekend--I am so sure that this is the profession for me. I'm so willing and happy when I see people who need help. I'm so full of love and hope for these families, and so happy. Just so, so so happy. At the same time, I'm scared that I will never share this experience. I'm scared that my life is so scary and untouchable for people that I will be alone. I feel like I've gotten to a point of desperation when my dad sends me text messages about how I should get set up with someone from the hospital. When even he is concerned about how alone I've been for so long. Guess that's just one more red flag in the line of "becca's going to die alone" warning signs.
I realize this whole post is just really messed up, scary, alienating, and getting published publicly online, but somehow I take comfort that I can just write this, not know who reads it, and use it as kind of just a call for help. Not in the way that I need so many more people asking me superficially how my mom is, but just being a little understanding that I am going through a LOT right now. Just...a lot. In fact--I discourage this; I don't like giving half problem stories to people. There is so much going on, the "how are you?" question becomes so loaded. I don't need more time commitments, coffee dates...I barely have time to breathe anyway...I don't know what kind of help I need, but this is a good first step toward getting that for myself, I feel. Attention? I don't know. Also, I've taken to watching TV shows where people are there for each other--How I Met Your Mother and Friends being good examples. It gives me hope in people in a way that is really hard to explain. I've really gotten myself into a conundrum. I wouldn't know where to begin with myself if I were reading this, and for that I apologize.
This time last year I was having the time of my life with the greatest people on earth. It's so amazing how quickly life comes at you...
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