A Day in the Life

Yesterday was the fourth of July...it was a nice day. I made Parmesan chicken on the grill which turned out pretty well. Also I threw a frisbee that landed in almost the right place.

I've had a rough couple days. I had a really bad experience on Sunday with that CNA job that I was just so happy to land. So excited to help someone and actually make a difference other than taking people's money in exchange for their groceries or making quasi-acceptable petri dishes for a laboratory where I understand very little of the science. But, as my life would go, it quickly turned into a nightmare. I felt shamed and humiliated, horrified and guilty. No one should make me feel that way. The worst of it is that I just can't manage to clear my head of the whole experience. I find myself hurrying up with asinine tasks and snapping at myself to go faster, that I'll never be a nurse if I can't go faster. I'm worried that I really fucked that lady up because she made me do things that no one with my qualifications should have been doing, and yelling that I wasn't going fast enough. I know that it's probably not my fault but it's just so hard for me to forget those emotions and let it go, so it's been really rough.

In other news, the preoccupation with my single life continues. Now each of my friends has found someone. Every single one without exception. And I know it really shouldn't be a big deal, but I feel because I've been put into this situation of being literally the only single person I interact with on a daily basis I think about it a lot. I hate going to functions stag because I feel this loneliness, but also this strange pressure to remedy a situation that I really don't want to "fix" right now. I feel this stupid pity from people because I feel like people go out of their way to talk with me and be friendly even though they have their significant other there. It humiliates me. And I feel stupid for thinking that.

It's crazy that I feel sorry for myself at moments like this. It's just childish and stupid and I have a great life. I love so many things about it and I'm ridiculous for making a blog post that suggested otherwise. I'm just whiny in the mornings maybe.