today was one of those days. those days when you feel like nothing, absolutely nothing, i do isn't good enough. i studied FOREVER for my anatomy exam. (well, not forever because that means the time spent studying should be infinite and it wasn't) (also, there should be a function on a keyboard where you highlight a sentence and it puts it in parenthesis. or quotes. i should be rich) anyway, so i studied a lot for this exam, and i learned SO much! i'm so impressed with how much better i know the human body now, and not just superficially-i'll-forget-it-tomorrow kind of stuff, but i actually learned and taught myself and took time. (which I do feel good about, don't get me wrong) but it just wasn't good enough. merely mediocre.
then there was my german exam. i even read all the material and studied and i finished early, which made me feel like i missed the point. i felt like a big crappy pants (yes, a big crappy pants) and like i'm really going to struggle next year in Germany because I can't think of the word for "priest" right off the top of my head. Das Wort ist Pfarrer, wenn sie wollten.
I am mediocre in other ways too. I'm just not good enough. I have little self control. I can't help doing things that I know I shouldn't do at times I shouldn't do them; reading a book that's not for school, munching on Scott's delicious bakery items left out on my table, procrastinating, buying that thing that's high in convenience but expensive, or ordering something at a restaurant that I know I'll finish and regret. I'm bad at getting myself out of mental holes I dig myself, like this one, where I honestly believe that I'll never be good enough for what I want to do. That I'll never be good enough for anybody else.
And then, driving to what turned out to be a really shit-tastic drunken (on her part) time with my mom, I was listening to Jay-Z, and I was thinking: had I come from a situation in which I was not destined to lead a life of mediocrity things would be different. Had I come from Jay-Z's world, I would be lauded for getting Bs in anatomy and German, for even being able to come to UW at all. If I had been born into destitution, I would be fucking stellar. But I wasn't. So I'm luke-warm mediocre at everything I do, at best.
And being mediocre is worse than being horrible, in my opinion, right now. take it with a grain of salt.
self deprecation for the win!
Also, new facts from my favorite class: Kanye West's mother had a Ph.D. Producers pay for the beats in songs, that's how rappers really make money. You can also tell who produced a song based on the style of the song (Kanye West productions tend to sample a lot of older music, Eminem's beats are hard and driven, etc.) Hip-Hop music came from Jamaica. Run DMC was a babe and is now a pastor. Flavor Flav was actually super legit back in his prime. Beyonce may or may not actually write her own songs, but she gets credit for it because she pays for the writers and the studio. Before sampling songs was a big thing, there was no law against it, so lots of artists just got sampled without getting paid.
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