waiting.
it's such a commonplace activity that i do so often...back to square one i am, i am. always waiting for the next thing, next chapter, new news, new people. i've been doing really well lately, time has been flying, but i'm still looking off into the horizon at the sunset, wishing and waiting for tomorrow. i can't believe it's already mid-way through april!
i got my passport today while checking the mail (once of four times today), newly endowed with a Kenyan entrance visa. There are lions on it. Sweet.
I can't handle mystery. I'm expecting a letter and it's driving me nuts. Absolutely insane...what could possibly be in this letter? I feel like i'm on an episode of This American Life:
"[Begin Ira Glass voice] Today on our show, a story in only one act. About a girl. A girl who's waiting for a letter from someone she'd waited literally months to hear from. But why is she thinking about this when her adventure of her youth is impending, only weeks away? Why does this one letter receive so much attention? What could it possibly contain? After the break, we examine life from her perspective this episode on This American Life. [end Ira Glass voice]"
kenya seems impossibly close. it seems like it's just some wish that i made up and now it's coming to fruition and i just can't think about it. i get overwhelmed by the thought of it, so much thinking involved. i find that so many people ask me why i'm going...and it's made me really examine myself and think about it because that is such a great question. why? honestly, i want to help people. i want to be motherly, caring, and helpful, and ultimately offer my support from my privileged background to those who are less fortunate than i am. why i can't do that here in the states? i guess it's just too small of a leap for me.
one thought that crosses my mind every night nowadays is how lovely my bed is. I love my comforter and the sheets and all the pillows i surround myself with...I know I'll miss it and yearn for it while I'm sleeping on some cot with a net around me listening to who knows what crawling around me.
It scares me, you know. I'm not fearless, but I put myself in these situations in which I force myself to push my limits, to test my boundaries, to discover my fears. It's not even a test of those around me and their attention or competition...it's for myself. I don't surprise myself anymore and I am not pushed or challenged by my life. I want to feel that challenge, feel the thrill of doing something that serves as a complete curveball to those around me before I get older and settle down. I always wanted to experience the world when I was growing up, I've always loved learning about places other than here...other than Madison. In second grade, I remember I'd always be so excited and enthusiastic when we'd have these passport days where we'd get to explore different 'countries' in other classrooms around the hallway. I loved those days. I think all this wanderlust might just stem from there.
A wise man once told me that I was the smart girl in the film "Taken." I don't know if I believe that. I believe that I am probably just the dumb girl who thinks about things, but might just get herself into an unfortunate situation and fall into some horrible nightmare that I can't escape from. But hey, these are just risks I [feel like I] have to take. And it will be worth it in the end.
[sparing some unfortunate contraction of aids, rabies or any other of a plethora of diseases unique to Africa. Also sparing my sale into a slavery ring or underground prostitution ring, rape or murder. some restrictions may apply.]
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