morning

you know you've done something serious with your feelings when this happens to you. when you wake up lonely and sad, wanting only one thing. it's sad. i mean, i make myself sad. like some sort of a pity party. and don't get me wrong, this isn't like depression or anything bad like this, it's just missing someone. i mean, really, really missing someone. it's when all those songs you've been avoiding you play purposefully to make yourself feel "better" when really you're just wallowing. you're reveling in their feelings that are somewhat similar to yours. and even if the lyrics are meant to mean something completely different, you twist them to fit perfectly with your situation.
it's when you get dressed in vain, knowing that that one person you desperately want to see you won't. and it's traumatizing. i mean, you start peeking around corners hoping that by some miracle that person is hiding there. not like you're living your life solely for one thing, or obsessive, or crazy, but it's gotten to be a huge part of how you think, so the effects are spreading through your everyday.
you can't concentrate on anything...it's ignorant bliss almost. the memories keep you happy, but you're just kind of treading water at this point until the next time you can focus on them.
you want the person to see how you are--you wonder what they are doing. such mystery is involved! it's a guessing game that you don't want: you need to know but you can't.
and the worst part is the over-analyzation: you recall your conduct and wonder how you were perceived, and although you may not care on any given day how those around you perceive you, you care about this. you care about how this goes. how you are perceived then. now that's an unsettling feeling, let me tell you.
but that is not to say that all of this is bad. it's just a matter of circumstances. some are luckier than others with those they find, and others are not. when you're the one who found the one who can never see you, you're a little unlucky, but at least you found them at all. and all the work you put into it just makes you appreciate it all the more.
now then.
on to another day.
it's going to be a long few weeks.