the return of the whiny self loathing post

Disclaimer: if you are unprepared for a whiny self-loathing post, please, do not continue, because that is precisely what you are about to get.


Tonight, a conversation turned me introspective and regretful. I am regretful of so many things--big things. Not petty ones. And it's really depressing. I wish I weren't so impulsive about some things, and more impulsive about others. For instance: I hate what I have made my love life into, and I haven't even gotten completely through one semester of college. And it's not the real relationships I regret, because those were legitimate and secure. It was the others...those I don't often mention, that I really, really, really wish would just strike from my record. Tonight I felt like such a slut. Seriously. And it was NOT a good feeling, especially because I'm struggling to be single. I mean, I'm enjoying being away from that which has possessed my attention for so long, but the feeling of being single still boasts a dull ache. A dull ache which has been lasting years already...and nothing is really covering the void now. It's kind of depressing.
Also, on the flip-side of that note, I wish I were more impulsive about other things. Like flirting. And socializing. I'm sooo shy and just uncomfortable with myself, I really need to grow up. I feel like my time is so limited and guys are soooo evanescent, I'll never find the right one. And I want him. I want him so baaad it's driving me mad.

Tonight was just one of those nights I came home feeling less about myself than when the day began. I know this feeling; it's been around before; I don't want it to continue. I know what this turns into. Tomorrow is a new day, and hopefully I can brush off my shoulders and start new. I feel like Bandura's Bobo Doll...we'll not get started on that analogy, as it could get overly complicated and I'm extremely tired right now.

Also, I've become so conflicted about Germany...I want to go SO bad and every time I hear the language, I want to leave more. I want to find myself somewhere else, because I feel like Madison is such a part of me. I feel like I'll never really escape if I don't leave! For sure I'll go, just maybe not next year, I'll go as a junior. It's just such a long, long time away. I want to go. I want to get out. I want to find something, I just don't know what yet.

Finals are this week. I've been putting minimal effort in. Not a good plan. I wish I had more sticktoitiveness. I wish so many things for myself. I wish on pennies, I wish on stars, I wish on 11:11s. I want happiness so badly for myself, and I regret not giving it to myself earlier. I regret all those nights I cried myself to sleep, so emotional, for those things that at the time seemed valid. I also regret only being somewhat superficially happy, as I am just in a kind of unknowing stupor. I feel like I've been pretty happy because I've neglected my thought processes that make my life have depth...I wish I could have depth and be happy. What a strange concept.

Bottom line here, I suppose, is I'm not happy now. I'm not optimistic, I'm not looking forward to tomorrow, winter break, or next semester. Another thing I came to realize tonight is I really enjoy being depended on, it gives my life purpose. I just wish people would be more polite about it sometimes. This, I believe, is why I want children so badly, I need people to depend on me...but I feel like what has been fundamentally missing in my life thus far is having someone to depend on.

breakthrough. whoa.

i can't depend on my parents...i seldom depended on the boy...i can't depend on normalcy, i can't depend on anything. i want someone to depend on equally as much as they depend on me. that's all I want. find me that person.