the dream

i know this is a weird forum to share a dream like this, but here it goes.

it's recurring, and it's been happening for about a week now, ever since i saw that baby in the peds ward last wednesday.
i guess it's pertinent information that i want to be a mother and it's scary the thought that that dream can be taken away for so many reasons. or that i won't be a good one.
it always worries me when babies squirm in my arms because i feel like i'm not good enough to hold them or they don't like me. i'm scared my own children will feel that way too.

so, it starts with me being given someone's baby, who isn't well. he's premature and tiny. i never really see his face. they tell me that they need time away from him, they need time for themselves. they hand him to me and he immediately begins to squirm as if he doesn't like my touch. he calms down, but i fear i'm using too much force on the delicate bundle in my arms. i take the baby away, and the details get foggy at this point. he's so small and i'm scared to take him anywhere too dangerous, but for some reason i think if he's happy, he'll get better and be healthy and things will be better. so, of course, i take him to disney world which seems so insane to me right now, when i'm not dreaming, to take such an ill child to such a busy place. but anyway, i take him, and i guard the little bundle with my heart and soul. now the dream gets frantic. he needs his diaper changed, and in my dream they provide free diapers near the bathrooms, so i go to get one, but somehow i leave him, just abandon him in some sort of excitement. i need to get something from the bathroom and get back to where i left him in a huge rush, and this woman comes up to me with my bundle, where i can see the pink of his little malleable head covered by a thin blanket with a sizable dent in it and she says, 'oh, i'm sorry, was this yours?'

and i just wake up panting and scared and sad.